Jumbled

My mind is in a jumble.

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.

I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.

I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.

I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.

Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).

Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.

Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas

I hope that the Holiday season has been Merry and Bright for all of you!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

ICLW

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page.

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

Baby Mine

Just ONE lil nug in there!!!

We saw AND heard the heartbeat and the Doctor said everything looks perfect!!! :)

I go in two weeks from now for one more ultrasound to make sure we're still right on track and then I'm released to a regular OB.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today I wrote my first blog post. I was on my second day of my first dose of clomid.

When I look back over this year and all that has happened and how far we have come I feel so humbled and blessed.

This last year has definitely had its ups and downs. I cried more tears than I thought possible but at the end of the day I ended up just where I wanted to be... with a husband I love more and more everyday and a baby in my belly.

What more can I ask for?

Thank you all for following my journey and for all the support and love I've gotten over the last year has astounded me. I love following your stories and I hope and pray that we all end up with our heart's desires.



Please feel free to follow and like me on Twitter and Facebook.

Because We Can

The other day I was walking through Target and I let myself do something that I haven't let myself do in a very long time.

I walked through the baby section.

At first, as I walked through I felt sad because I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to buy things from this section for myself and my baby.

And then I remembered... Oh yeah. I'm pregnant!

As I continued on through I really felt like an intruder. I felt like I was in trespassing and about to eat the forbidden fruit. I found myself glancing over my shoulder waiting for someone to tell me to get out because I obviously was not a mommy and not allowed. I felt like an intruder.

I reached out and was about to buy myself a plain pack of white onesies (gender neutral people) and I couldn't do it. I felt like I didn't deserve to buy something like that yet.

courtesy of google images

This pregnancy has not sunk in yet (despite the rapidly increasing morning sickness).

I don't feel like I belong in the pregnancy club.

But I don't feel like I belong in the infertility club either, anymore.

I feel like I am in a bit of a no man's land and I am hoping I find where I fit soon.

Both Sides Now

First, I want to thank all of you so much for all the love and support I've gotten over the last few days. I am truly overwhelmed and grateful to share my story with all of you.

For the last few days I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want to handle this pregnancy here on the blog. I want to handle it with sensitivity and I also want to rejoice and celebrate this time in my life.

Let's be honest here, there is a gushing pregnant woman inside me dying to get out. I want to celebrate this time in my life and be able to document the milestones of my pregnancy. And I feel like I deserve that. I worked for this pregnancy. I poured my heart and soul into the process of getting here and I earned it. I do not want to ignore that and I do not think I should have to.

At the same time, I know how much of a blow positive pregnancy tests are to all of you who are still in the trenches. I know how it makes you ache and ask 'why not me?' Even when it is someone who deserves that BFP it is still a hard blow. I know that. It is something that I struggled with for almost two years.

And I will be a little more honest here.... I have a bit of survivors guilt. I feel a little guilty that I got here when all of you wonderful women are still fighting to get here. I wish I could express how much I want this for all of you.

I also want to keep this blog true to what it started as. It started out as a way to document my journey with infertility and to parenthood. At it's core this blog is about infertility and the struggles that go along with it and while I want to recognize and revel in my pregnancy I do not want to forget my roots.

So, please, bear with me as I struggle to find the right line between pregnancy and the last two years that brought me to this moment.

Infertility Support Group

If any of you are in the Orlando area tomorrow night is our last Resolve Infertility Support Group of the year.

It is so helpful to meet with women/couples who truly understand what you are going through.

If anyone would like to attend please email me at sparklesandfairytales@gmail.com for more information.

We would LOVE to have you!!

Beta Time

2nd beta at 20 dpo: 1704!!

I think this lil nug is here to stay!! :)

Do you Believe in Magic?

Because I officially do!

That's right! I am PREGNANT!!

And in complete shock!!

I was SO convinced that this last cycle was just not going to work and I stopped caring. I literally had the next cycle planned all out and knew I could cycle without Christmas interfering. It's just how it was going to go. I didn't test once, didn't even think about it. So when I didn't start at exactly 17 dpo like I always do (I have a consistent 16 day luteal phase) I was also convinced that my body was messing with me and I was starting to get really pissed off.

But a tiny, tiny voice in my head said... what if?

So I waited it all out on Wednesday analyzing every twinge and cramp convinced that I would start any minute because I was cramping steadily... not hard or super painful, just constant.

I took a bubble bath with a good book and I took myself to bed.

I woke up at 5 am on Thursday and had to pee and made myself stay in bed as long as I could because I was trying to delay the inevitable negative.

The test turned positive before I even got the cap on it! I was in such SHOCK!!! I was just standing in my bathroom shaking and saying 'Holy sh*t!!' over and over and over again.

I went in for my first beta at 9:30 in the morning and when the nurse called she said, 'honey, you should lay down and take a nap because you are very, very pregnant.'

WHAAAAT?!?

First beta: 543
Progesterone: greater than 20
Due Date: August 16, 2011

I have my second beta on Saturday (and since I am setting this to auto-post I will already have those results and will update you all asap).

I wanted to share with all of you right away but now that this lil blog is so much more public and connected to facebook I didn't want my in-laws to see it because we are telling them in person this weekend.

I am so overwhelmed and this really does not seem real, yet. At all. But one thing I do know is I am so, so grateful.

After 21 months of trying my dream is finally coming true. Thank you God.

The Good Life

I've definitely calmed down after my angry rant the other day. I'm calmer and in a better place but I still stand behind that rant because those feelings were and are so real and I think it's important to recognize that anger that we've all felt going through this journey.

But, on a more positive note, this weekend I will be travelling to Savannah, GA to celebrate this man and his amazing accomplishments.

He is graduating with his Bachelor's degree this Sunday and I could not be more proud of him and how hard he has worked.

I cannot WAIT to watch my baby walk that stage!

I love my husband more and more each day and I will never know how I got so lucky to marry someone as amazing as he is!!

Can't Fight this Feeling

I am angry. Very, very angry.

And annoyed and irritated and frustrated and overwhelmed.

And I probably shouldn't be blogging and sending all this negativity out but I'm going to do it anyway.

I am angry at this stupid effing disease. It is all SO UNFAIR. I am angry that it affects me and is tearing the chance to be a mommy away from me. I am angry that it affects my husband and takes away his chances for a baby together. I am angry that it affects friends of mine who deal with it, as well. I am really angry that it even exists.

I am angry that people, in an effort to be nice and supportive, say dumbass things that are actually condescending and hurtful. (and yes, that makes me sound really bitchy because they all mean well, but there it is)

I am so angry that people who don't love their children are able to have them and I am not. And yes, that's judgmental. Sue me. But I see so many people who are AWFUL to their children or constantly complain about them and that is all I want in the world. All I want is to be able to have a child. And all these people are able to and I am not. That makes me angry.

I only want one. Is that too much to ask!?!?!

I am angry and frustrated that I can't fix certain problems for my family. I feel powerless and overwhelmed that I am not there to help and that makes me feel awful.

And worried. I am worried. I am so worried about what my life will look like with no children. As I have stated before we do not feel like adoption is the way to go for us so if I don't get pregnant... that's it. I am worried about my ability to face that impending truth.

I am worried that I will never be able to let this go. And THAT makes me angry.

I am a ball of anger and negative emotion right now.

I don't know how to get out of this funk.

Yesterday...

the baby fever won!!

We went to Petsmart on a Saturday and just HAD to walk by the adoption center. I saw this little face and fell in love. My husband promptly adopted her for me for Christmas.

She's adorable. And I have something small and squidgy to pour all my baby fever into right now. I needed that. I need a place to put all this...

Anyway, meet Daphne!! She's pretty awesome! :D

Oh god, she's SO CUTE! Forget blogging, I am going to go snug this lil baby right now!! :)

This Cycle is Wack

Tonight the husband and I put up the Christmas Tree. Yes, it's capitalized. Because it makes me extremely happy. I love Christmas. I've always loved it but since me and the husband started dating in November way back when Christmas makes me think of the stunning, quick, tumble into love and how fascinated we were with each other. It was that exciting time of the relationship where everything is butterflies and tingles. I truly fell in love with him over the holiday season. It just makes this time of year even more special to me.

As for my cycle, I triggered on the Sunday before Thanksgiving so that makes me... 11 dpo and on cycle day 24. I, literally, just had to pull up the calendar on my computer to count that out. I have not kept track of a single thing about this cycle. I made all the right moves, swallowed my pills right on time, injected when I was supposed to, got busy when told... But other than that it's really like I'm not cycling at all, right now. Honestly, it's been a huge relief.

And, really, I'm not a new and improved more zen person. I think I've just truly gotten to the place where I just don't think it's possible anymore.

Tonight while we were decorating the tree the husband mentioned that he was planning on buying me an ornament but he was waiting to hear if there would be baby news first. I said, "Don't hold your breath."

He asked why.

"Because I'm not pregnant and honestly, I don't think I ever will be. It's just not going to happen."

I've lost all hope. I'm not upset or devastated. I'm truly apathetic and I truly believe that I will never be pregnant. But I keep on cycling. Because, I can, I guess. Everything is covered by insurance, even my meds, so why not?

But, really, I don't think I'm a more peaceful person. I've given up in every way except physically. Physically I am still on the cycle train but emotionally and mentally I am still at the depot. I am just not invested in this game anymore.

Yet, I still know I will cycle next month when this cycle inevitably fails.

Like, I said, this cycle is wack.

Or maybe it's just me.

25 to Life

I am safely home from Boston. It was a good trip and I was excited to share that part of my childhood with my Husband. He loved Boston and I loved showing it to him.

The trip itself brought up a lot of emotions in me. I spent every summer in New England growing up visiting my Dad, Aunts, and Grandparents. My parents split up when I was three months old and when we were old enough my brothers and I spent a month of every summer there with our family.

For me, when a school year would end I was, of course, excited about summer vacation but it was more about seeing my Dad. I only saw him once or twice a year at the most and those summer visits were so looked forward to. Every year I went out with my hopes and excitement soaring and every year I was disappointed. My Dad just wasn't the man and the father that I had built up in my head. I always ended up being sorely disappointed and left heartbroken.

There are way too many issues and circumstances for me to go into here but let's just say that he seemed much more interested in time with my brothers and I was left with whatever relative was free. I so badly wanted a Daddy and I never got one. Even through my teenage years I fought for a relationship with him and it just never seemed to happen.

In hindsight, I still have a very hard time forgiving the unintentionally cruel things that he said to me without thinking. Words can cut deep and leave lasting scars. But, overall, I think that he just had no idea what to do with a daughter. With my brothers they could go fishing and all that fun boy stuff but with me... I wanted glitter and mermaids and he had no idea how to deal with that. So he left it up to his sister and his parents.

Finally, when I was 25 I decided I was done. I was done trying to be close with him and I worked at trying to accept that we would only have a very surface relationship with no real meat to it.

When I was 25 I got engaged. And of course, I told my Dad and begged him to walk me down the aisle. He reluctantly agreed.

My wedding came around when I was 26 and he walked me down that aisle and even danced with me at the reception (after my new husband decided to take matters into his own hands and just have the father daughter dance announced and trapped him into it).

After the wedding, something changed. My Dad started calling me a lot. He checked in about once a week to see how I was. It was a strange shift and I had a hard time with it. I had written him off, I no longer had it in me to try. And most of all I didn't want my heart broken anymore. But he stayed consistent. He kept calling and it felt like he really wanted to make an effort to be in my life. So I let myself hope one more time. Hoping that this wouldn't be a repeat performance. But he kept calling and making an effort.

While my husband and I were in Boston my Dad pulled out an old box of letters that my brothers and I had written him growing up. Some were funny, and most of mine were utter ridiculousness. But throughout them all there was a desperate tone. From all three of us there were desperate pleas that you could read between the lines. Sometimes it wasn't even between the lines... Outright questions.

"Where are you?"
"Where are you living?"
"When will we see you next?"
"Please don't forget that I love you."

All of us, at some point, wrote these words.

In one memorable, melodramatic moment my 10 year old self apologized for being born and being the cause of the divorce.

All I could think as I read these letters is that all of us were desperate for this man to love us. It honestly took me back to all those feelings and broke my heart all over again.

My husband reminded me that he was still trying and I shouldn't shut down. So I struggled not to.

And I ended up having a great visit with my Dad. We hung out, we went and saw the sights and we laughed together.

My husband pointed out that my Dad and I have the same ridiculous sense of humor. It was a revelation to me. I had never considered that I would have something in common with this man who I had chased after my whole life.

And all I could think was... we finally share something. We can laugh together.

It's not the relationship that I yearned for growing up and it's not a replacement for the years of broken hearts and tears because I didn't have a Daddy. But it is a place to start.

My Dad will never be someone I can go to with every hurt and he will never be the one to comfort me when I cry. But we can laugh together.

And that's something, isn't it?

Storms Brewing

I have been out of town (actually still in chilly, chilly Boston) and have had very limited internet access so I have not had the chance to update here or anywhere, really.

There are things that I need to say and will be saying here soon when I have the time and the space to get emotional. I just don't have that freedom right now while still on vacation visiting the family.

Our vacation has been fun and eventful and the Husband has greatly enjoyed New England and today got the fun experience of hitting up the Freedom Trail and soaking in some history, which he really, really loves.

I have enjoyed showing him my favorite childhood spots from my summer vacations here to see family.

As for the two week wait... It has barely registered with me. We have been so busy having fun and spending time with family that I have barely noticed the days slipping by. For that I am truly thankful.

I will be home in a few days and will be able to really get into the thoughts that have been swirling lately.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

I thought I would do a short post about something that I am thankful for (and yes, there are things to be thankful for in the midst of this infertility crap).

The number one thing that I am thankful for is my Husband. He loves me day in and day out when I am mad, sad, annoying and frustrating. He takes care of me when I am sick, sad and happy and well. He truly loves me in ways that I never thought possible.

No matter what happens I am incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful man who loves me and would do anything to make me happy.

And... In honor of Thanksgiving... here is a fun picture of me with the first Turkey I ever cooked. His name was Tucker and he was delicious.

Yep. That's a picture of me taking a picture of myself with my first turkey! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Party for Two

Tonight I will inject my trigger shots (and for any of you that do not know these shots will force my ovaries to release eggs out of three mature follicles I have... Yep, folks! It's another triple O!). Sexy time will start tonight and continue for the next three nights in the hopes of catching at least one of the three eggs released.

The hunt is on!!

Hopefully no injuries this time!! :)

I never went back for an extra ultrasound and blood work. I decided to keep on riding the apathy train and trust Dr. Baby as he has not steered me wrong yet (and I seriously adore him as a doctor). I also won't have to go and get my progesterone checked in seven days because I am going to be out of town. They are quite confident that I will ovulate with the trigger shots because I have been responding so well.

I have continued to be as non-stressed about this cycle as possible. I haven't thought about it that much. It's in the back of my mind, occasionally, but I'm much more focused on our trip to Boston for Thanksgiving to see my family and Christmas decorating and my wonderful Husband's upcoming graduation from College.

I will of course do everything in my power to continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next New Mother, but it is not consuming me like it has in past cycles. I am not worried. I am not stressed and I am NOT obsessing. I have to say that it is a nice break for me and I am sure, for my husband.

I cannot help but hope that I continue feeling slightly apathetic because it's actually a giant relief!!

My Give a Damn's Busted

I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and E2 bloodwork this morning. I also had them check on my thyroid because I have been really feeling sluggish lately and I just felt like my thyroid must be really off. So my thyroid medication will be increased.

Follicle wise I have a 13, a 12 and an 11 (and for those that don't know, we want the follicles on the ovaries to be at an 18 before it should release an egg and they should grow about 2 mm a day if not more with the injections). Soooo, basically, we've got three potential eggs going on again even with the reduced follistim.

My E2 came back fine but just like I guessed my thyroid wasn't in a normal range. I am so glad that I had them check on that because it's so important to have normal thyroid levels when TTC and in pregnancy.

Because it's Thursday I am to do another dose of the 75 iu's of follistim tomorrow night and then do my trigger shots Sunday night. Because I have been responding so well to this cocktail of meds I don't even have to go in for another ultrasound. I am welcome to, of course, and can go in on Saturday or Sunday but Dr. Baby is comfortable having me continue as is without another ultrasound and bloodwork.

Something hit me last night... this cycle I am completely apathetic. I am making all the right moves and taking all the correct meds and doing my shots when I need to and following all the 'rules'. But... I just don't care. I literally wasn't worried about this morning's ultrasound. I mean, I was glad I didn't get bad news, but I wasn't excited like I have been in past cycles. I have been very 'eh' about it all.

I am not full of hope and optimism for this cycle and have in fact counted out the days to make sure that I can cycle in December and that Christmas will not interfere with me cycling. And I am good on that count. I can cycle in December without any interference from the Holidays.

I don't know if I am subconsciously protecting myself from the heartbreak of last cycle. I probably am. Because let's face it... I'm still recovering from that horrible let down and the complete idiocy I let my mind take me to.

Good news about being so apathetic is that I've barely been paying attention or obsessing at all. I've barely been able to keep track of my cycle days and had to set alarms on my phone to remind me when to do my injections and take my pills.

Hopefully, this bodes well for the two week wait. I hope that I remain sane through it all.

Overall, I did get good news today. I am just trying to find that place within where I give a damn.

We'll see what We See

My cycle day 10 ultrasound follicle check and E2 bloodwork is in the morning.

My ovaries have been feeling achy but I am still nervous to find out what is going on in there!!

More than Words

I have been thinking about words, lately. Not just any word but the word that effects my life the most right now:

Infertility.

I can't count how many times I've said this word, thought it or written it. Even on a weekly basis it's probably more than I can count.

I remember the first time I read it as it pertains to me and my life. The first time it really hit home what this word means and the effect it could have on my life.

It was over a year ago and I had just moved to Phoenix and my PCP had told me that he suspected I had PCOS and had printed out some information on it for me to take home and read. I had heard of PCOS because a friend of mine had been diagnosed but I still did not know much about it.

I went home and I was reading this information and all of a sudden one word jumped out at me and made my stomach drop. Infertility. We had already been trying for almost 6 months at that point. I called my husband in a panic at work and he told me I needed to calm down (I hear those words a lot) because we didn't even know if I had PCOS or not.

But somewhere, deep down I knew that this word was about to impact me in a very big way and it scared me. A lot.

Since I got my official diagnosis (last December at a mid-cycle follicle check during my first round of Clomid) I have not spent too much time thinking about the actual word.

Obviously, it effects my life in huge ways but when I think of myself I never think of myself as infertile. Logically, I know that I am indeed, infertile, I just don't think of myself that way. I think that I have PCOS and it sucks but it doesn't represent me as a person. It is an aspect of my life. An aspect that I hate and one that has tears streaming down my face right this minute.

But it is not WHO I am. I am so many things and infertile is one of them. Maybe I am in serious denial because I don't think of myself that way... I don't know. I just think of so many other things when I really think of myself. Ridiculous, stubborn and determined to name a few.

I've had friends tell me over the course of the last year that they don't know how I do this. How I keep forging on ahead with all the heartbreak I face each month. And I tell them that they would, too, if face with the same situation. I'm not strong. There isn't much of a choice in it, at all. When you yearn for something so important and so precious it's actually, in many ways, harder to stop trying than it is to keep on going.

Because when you keep going there is a tiny voice in the back of you head that says "Maybe this next cycle is the one." And it is really hard to drown out that voice.

So I am not STRONG.  But I am stubborn and unwilling to take no for an answer.

And yes, I am Infertile. But I am also so much more than that.

Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo

So the redesign is mostly in place! There are a few more elements to be added but this is pretty much it (I'm pretty sure, anyway, unless Barbara has some more tricks up her sleeve! :D).

As you can see it's a whole new space with a new title and everything. I had a LOT of trouble deciding on a new title. I wanted something girly and fun that fit me but also still referenced what this blog is about. SIF helped me so much by reminding me of one of my favorite quotes. This quote has given me so much inspiration and comfort over the last (almost) year. And when SIF reminded me of it, it really got me excited and gave me a great theme for this blog. I am in love with the new title! Thanks, again, lady!! :)

As for the new look, it is all courtesy of the awesome Barbara! I gave her a quick overview of what I wanted and she ran with it and I am loving the fun and girliness of it all!! Thank you so much, Barbara! If anyone needs a blog redesign definitely check her out and shoot her an email : barbaradilisio@gmail.com . She's awesome!!

I also now have a facebook page for the blog. You can find the link at the top left... it's a heart and super cute. You will also find a link to follow me on twitter. Feel free to like and follow me wherever I go! :D

So be a little patient with me... I still need to add info to all the other pages now that I have them and that will be a work in progress the next few days.

Isn't my new button great?! Feel free to grab it!

But other than that...

Welcome to Sparkles and Fairy Tales: Waiting on my Fertile Godmother. I'm so glad to have you!!

I'm Still Standing

First, I want to thank everyone for their lovely comments, support and love. It truly means the world to me. I am so thankful to share my journey with so many of you.

Second, the new cycle is officially underway! I went and had my cd 2 ultrasound the other day and all is quiet on the western front. No cysts. I did, however, get a small parade of nurses in my exam room to tell me how sorry and absolutely shocked they were that I wasn't pregnant. It was very sweet of them but I was still a bit fragile and had a hard time not just sobbing while sitting there naked from the waist down.

Sadly this is a common struggle in my life. Doesn't everyone have trouble not crying with their pants off in semi-public places?!

No? Just me? Hmmm.

Well, moving on, they are changing up my protocol just a bit this month. I am on femara days 3-7 and they are lowering my follistim dosage to 75 iu's on days 5, 7, and 9. I was a little disappointed about that. I know that my cycle was almost cancelled because of too many follicles but dangit, I want to try with three follicles again!!! Oh well. We shall see what we see at the cycle day 10 ultrasound.

The good news is that I should be all triggered and sexy time completed before Thanksgiving. We are headed to Boston on the 24th-30th to spend the Holiday with my Dad, Aunts, Cousins, and my hilarious 93 year old Grandmother. My husband hasn't met my extended family yet so it should be fun. We're praying for snow!!

The side benefit of this is that the trip falls in my two week wait which should keep me nicely distracted. And when we get back there is my favorite thing of all: Christmas decorating with my handsome husband! It's our favorite time of year and we love decorating our house. We make a day of it and have so much fun. So I really think this two week wait is going to go a bit smoother and I am really happy about that.

In other news, there are some changes in the wind for this lil blog!! A redesign is just getting started and we're even getting a new title! Because, let's face it, Sarah Q is kinda lame.

So get ready to see those changes coming soon to a blog near you.

The Fat Lady Sang

It's over. The cycle that could officially ended this morning.

These last few days I had a feeling it would. The cramping I was feeling was just too familiar. So these last few days when it's really hit me that this wasn't working I've been crying my heart out. On the floor of the bathroom sobbing.

So this morning when I got up and I hadn't started I felt a tiny bloom of hope because if I was going to start today would be the day officially confirming that I consistently have a 16 day luteal phase.

So to start while I was peeing on a pregnancy test... I can only assume that Mother Nature is one HUGE effing bitch.

To top it all off I have come to realize that I am one of those women who invent pregnancy symptoms and convinces herself she's knocked up. Yep, I'm that kind of special crazy.

So tomorrow I will think about a new cycle. Today I will, once again, grieve for what I never had.

Keeping the Faith

Thought I would do a quick little update.

Things are still pretty much the same here... symptoms galore and still no positive. I'm still not late, though. Today is cycle day 28 so I should be due tomorrow.

Until then I remain hopeful and I am still keeping the faith!

I hope to share some good news with you all soon!!

The Closer I Get

The crazier I get.

I started this two week wait determined to stay sane and happy and distracted. Well. That did NOT happen.

I spent the first week on the couch nursing my sex injury. So the first week went by pretty fast and easy.

This second week... well not so much. I was ok until yesterday when I decided to test even though I knew it was too early and I was bound to be disappointed. And I was. Big freaking negative.

I was really upset.

Until I drove my husband to work and almost threw up in the car. He works barely ten minutes from our apartment and I barely made it back in the house before I ran for the bathroom and threw up. I puked for the first time in over a year and a half.

Thankfully, I only had cranberry juice in my stomach. And, sadly, after many years on the club scene this is NOT the first time that I have thrown up cranberry juice.

And just like that I was back in the game. I was so excited that I puked!! The nausea lasted a few more hours but didn't throw up again.

So far my symptoms have been sore boobs, heartburn, a lot of difficulty sleeping, exhaustion, you can see the veins in my boobs like crazy (I know... not sexy at all), and now nausea and puking. Oh, and my sense of smell seems to be a bit more sensitive.

Today, I felt ok for most of the day until about ten minutes ago... the nausea hit and I frantically jammed about 5 mints in my mouth hoping that it helps. So far not so much luck with that.

So, I am still waiting. And yes I still have hope but why the HELL can't I be one of those women who gets a really early positive?

That would really make this so much easier for me.

Triple O!

I got my progesterone blood work done this morning. After waiting all day long I finally got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse.

My progesterone level is greater than 20. The lab that processes everything won't give a specific numbers if it is over 20. But the nurse said everything is looking excellent. She even mentioned that high progesterone levels can sometimes indicate pregnancy but since we don't have a number I shouldn't get too excited yet.

She also went over all my levels from earlier in the cycle and every level is better than the last cycle I ovulated in.

Basically, I ovulated all three of those eggs!!

But she said one thing that had me tearing up:

"Your body is doing everything it needs to in order to sustain a pregnancy."

At that I burst into tears. It's one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

As for any symptoms, I have a few but I am reluctant to think they're pregnancy symptoms yet. I've been a bit tired and had touches of slight nausea yesterday morning and this morning. The two meals I've had today (chick fil a and chipotle... I know both awful) were terrible! They did not taste ok. And they are both places that I love a lot. So that was strange. We can also say I've been a bit emotional the last couple days.

So there are a few signs that could or could not be pregnancy.

I guess we will just have to wait and see!!!

Waiting on You

So now that I survived (barely) the weekend of baby making (and yes I did survive! I am still kind of stuck on the couch with this neck shoulder thing going on, though) I have been planning on how I was going to survive the two week wait.

I dread the two week wait... I dread it and I want it at the same time. Because the two week wait means that I have something to hope for... it means there is a chance that in a few long ass short weeks all my dreams may come true. This two week wait is even more... everything, because I feel like our chances are so high this month.

One of the things that I do love so much about this time is dreaming about the possibilities with my husband. Out of nowhere one of us will start spouting off possible names and vetoing each other and laughing about what we hope so badly is soon to come! That's the fun part.

The other parts... not so much.

Originally, my plan was to just pretend that I wasn't in the two week wait. Hmmmm. I wonder how that will go for me.

My other plan is to cook and bake and try a bunch of new recipes I've been planning on trying for awhile. And that is a plan I can get behind.

A few weeks ago I made a joke about baking my way through Infertility... end result... huge ass. And the more I thought about it, I thought why not? Why not add a little something else to this little 'ol blog and keep myself busy at the same time? So that is what I will do.

Last year my husband got me a cookie jar for Valentine's Day.

This cookie jar is more than just a cookie jar. It's personalized and on it all our hopes and dreams are clearly displayed. One of my greatest fears is that this special gift will always be a reminder of what my body cannot achieve.

But for the next two weeks I am going to be filling this jar up with sweet treats and goodies just like I hope my belly is filling with our dreams for the future.

Only Me

So last night was the trigger shots and the baby making began!

And this is what happens to me...

Something this absolutely ridiculous would only happen to me!!

Follicular Forecast UPDATE

Don't you love these little updates? They're like the weather forecast... So here goes:

In the south we have a good, strong uterus with a thick and sticky lining measuring over 7 (yay). To the west we have an ovary with a 17 mm follicle and a 16 mm follicle. To the east we have an ovary with another 17 mm follicle. Depending on the on the call we have sweeping through this afternoon it looks like a high chance of trigger shots and at least a double ovulation this weekend (slight chance of triple ovulation).

So what do you think of the forecast? Favorable conditions for conception?!?

UPDATE:


OH MY GOD!

I just got the afternoon instructions call and the nurse freaked me the EFF out!! She said that I had 6 mature follicles and that the cycle was cancelled or IVF. I was like WHAAAAAT!?? I only had 3 this morning!!

She put me on hold and went to go check... turns out the nurse this morning had measured each follicle a few times to make sure that she was getting accurate results and they read the report wrong. WHEW!

So they're letting me continue with a lecture about high chances for multiples but said as long as we're comfortable with it they say it's fine.

Trigger shot tomorrow night between 6-8 PM and sexy time Saturday, Sunday and Monday night.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I am about to ovulate THREE EGGS!!!

This is INSANE!!!!!!

I'm so excited (and ok a little scared about all three getting fertilized and then they all start splitting... AHHH!).

Come What May

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse yesterday and got my E2 results and further instructions.

My E2 was 94.7. And apparently I have a few more follicles going on than the nurse told me during the ultrasound. Along with the 14 and 2 12'2 I also had an 11 and a couple 10's thrown in there as well.

Dr. Baby's nurse told me that if I have more than three follicles my cycle is cancelled or we can do a last minute IVF. WHAAAAT!?!?! We are so NOT prepared to jump to IVF... that is a huge leap for us, physically and financially. Even with three follicles they are not thrilled with letting me go forward... they will let me but it comes with a huge warning of multiples.

Dr. Baby's verdict: I am having a 'robust response'. Again... WHAAAAAT!?!?

Here I was disappointed because I thought I wasn't responding well and there my ovaries go over-producing. I can't keep up!!!

Honestly, when I got this call yesterday I was just... shell shocked. I didn't know what to think... I wondered around Target in a daze and all of a sudden I was questioning everything...

Can I REALLY do this? Can I really be a mom, let alone a good mom? What about a mom to MULTIPLES!?!? Let me tell you.. I was FUH-REAKING OUT.

Thankfully, my husband was just so matter of fact about it all that I calmed right down. He's just so... 'yeah of course you'll be a good mom.' Like there was never a question about it all. He has confidence in me.

Anyway, this evening I did one more injection of 100 iu's of follistim per Dr's orders and tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and bloodwork to see what is going on with these crazy ovaries.

I can't believe that I am sitting here praying for less follicles to grow!!

We are all on Drugs

So... today was my cycle day 10 check. We needed to see what those ovaries are doing on the femara and follistim combination.

Official results:

1 follicle measuring at 14
2 follicles measuring at 12

So... not AMAZING. But not awful. I am waiting to hear from Dr. Baby's nurse about my E2 levels. I know that I am going to need a few more days of stimming with the follistim but I don't know the doses or days until I get that call later today.

They said that the 14 is the one to watch but I am hoping that those 12's grow, too and give me those 3 follicles I've been hoping for...

So for now... we are all STILL on drugs.

Stick it to Me

It is cycle day 8.

I still am not sure what is happening in there with my ovaries but I feel like it is something good!

I have done two of my injections so far with one more tomorrow night.

So far the injections haven't been bad at all. There is some stinging when I take the needle out and my belly is bruised up pretty well; but other than that it has just been excitement to be more aggressive!

Since Thursday I have been feeling pretty consistently achy in the ovary area. I have felt this before during my cycle a few months ago when I did actually ovulate. But I only felt it in smaller doses and it was the night before my ultrasound (so around CD 12). So I am feeling it stronger and more consistently. I hope that means good things are happening in there!

I find out Wednesday morning how many follicles I have going on and if I need a day or two more of the Follistim.

I am hoping for 3. For several reasons... 3 is my favorite number. I don't know why, it just is and always has been. And I want 3 because I feel like 3 will significantly raise our chances but won't put us at too high a risk for multiples. Although multiples wouldn't be bad. I know my husband would be really, really happy with that! :)

I haven't really had any side effects this month from the femara or follistim except I've been feeling really, really tired. I want to nap all the time! And there was some slight nausea last night but only after about 4 spinny fast rides at a carnival.

Oh and did I mention that if this cycle works that my due date would be my husband's birthday?!?

How's that for a sign!?!?

I am happy and excited to see what happens!!!

I have the Best Husband!!

Today the husband and I went to the outlets to do some shopping. The main goal was some warmer clothes for our upcoming trip to Boston to visit my extended family for Thanksgiving.

We got my husband and a great coat and spent the majority of the day looking for a coat for myself. I found several I liked but they didn't have my size. And the ones that I did find in my size I didn't like at all. Near the end of the day I was in tears because I was so frustrated.

We were about to leave and I wanted to go into the Coach Outlet (let me just tell you, I ALWAYS want to go into the Coach Outlet).

We were looking for a few minutes and I was trying to make it quick because we were both pretty tired. I never intended to buy a thing, I just like to browse and look at all the pretties.

Well, my adorable husband surprised me and bought me the purse that I fell in love with....

Yeah. I know. Super cute.

He said it's my treat for all the fertility treatments and whatnot that I've gone through in the last 19 months.

Like I said... I have the best husband EVER! He's adorable and so sweet.

I am one lucky girl.