Monday, March 11, 2013

I Can't Handle It

Right off the bat I am going to say that I shouldn't be writing anything right now.

I am an emotional wreck.

Not the kind of emotional wreck that I was after B was born and I had PPD, though. I want to make that perfectly clear. My emotions are NOT hormone-driven.

They are just the emotions of a woman who sometimes feels like she's drowning.

So in this emotional state I may not express myself as well as I would like.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I may not be able to handle being a wife and mother to two and stepmother to two more.

I separate mother and stepmother because there are different considerations when you're a step-parent. I love my stepkids and I want to make that painfully clear. But... there are different considerations. Such as they have a mother and I in no way want to replace her. I'm not their mother and that is ok. I am ok with it and I think they are too. That doesn't mean that we don't all love each other.

I had been feeling like I was handling things pretty well. I wasn't drowning in self-doubt and worry constantly as I was when I first brought B, home. I am more experienced in newborn now. My husband also takes G every other night so I am getting decent sleep.

It's not the nights that have me worried, it's the days. Days where there is no opportunity to nap and I am constantly battling the toddler and the newborn, hoping that they stay happy all day and if they don't, at least they take turns crying. At the point in my day where I feel like I have a handle on things (B's naptime) the stepkids are getting home and we're starting the rounds of homework and chores. And when that is done it is time to cook dinner and get everyone to bed.

And that does not even take into consideration my duties as a wife.

To say that I am busy is an understatement.

There are days when I am not sure that I am going to make it. And I've already given up on being any sort of attractive at all.

But I had been feeling like we had been making it ok.

But now I'm not so sure. My confidence has been slowly crumbling. Tiny little comments here and there with a negative connotation have me questioning everything.

Maybe I can't handle being a wife and mother of four. It happened so fast. In 17 months I went from no kids to 4 and I worry constantly that I am not good enough.

And maybe I'm not.

I know I fail on a daily basis. I fail to keep my house clean, I fail to cook dinner every night (the husband has been cooking a lot), I fail to be patient and loving at all times.

I've been so worried about B lately. I 've been worrying that I don't teach him nearly enough. He doesn't do arts and crafts at home, he doesn't know his shapes or colors, yet. He can't count and I'm not sure when I'm going to find the time to teach him these things. I know pre-school would teach him all this and more, but I want to be the one to be there for those little moments. I, selfishly, want to teach him all that myself... But how?

I feel like I can either be a GREAT mother to one or a mediocre mother to more.

I already know I've failed as a wife.

So, I am here, an emotional wreck, thinking... They're all right....

I can't handle it.

Sarah Q
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