Thursday, December 30, 2010

Jumbled

My mind is in a jumble.

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.

I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.

I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.

I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.

Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).

Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.

Sarah Q

8 comments:

  1. You are so NOT effed up!!! I don't suffer from infertility and the fact is I had that same feeling of detachment and surrealism with all 4. The fact is besides bigger boobs and some nausea NOTHING is different...one day you'll notice you're belly growing or someone else will notice...and that's when you'll feel pregnant!!!

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  2. You are FAR from effed up! I know that I too will feel that way when it happens for me again - it's definitely a way to try & 'guard' ourselves from being hurt anymore than we have been. That constant rollercoaster - it's great, it's scary, it's exhausting & it's completely normal. :)

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  3. I think this is probably normal, even for fertiles. It probably doesn't seem as real until that little one is actually moving around. Until then, it's proabably easy to think about the worst case scenario, you know? But you are definitely NOT effed up friend!

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  4. I am feeling the exact same way with my pregnancy.

    I am scared to get excited, I keep waiting for the next shoe to drop.

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  5. I think you're right - I think this is something our minds do to protect us. It might take more time, but you will overcome it - even if it has to wait till you're in labor. Be nice to yourself - this is a huge transition period. Now aren't you glad it takes almost 10 months?

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  6. I went throught the EXACT same thing when I was pregnant with my son due to multiple miscarriages before him. I was so elated with the first pregnancy and never even considered miscarriage until it happened, and then again and then... I was close to my third trimester before I REALLY, TRUELY believed it was real. I'm thinking it won't take that long for you since your problem has been conceiving not carrying but you get my point. I think the next ultrasound when you see the little monkey swimming around flapping his paddle-like arms and legs you'll fall totally and completely in love and all will be well. So happy for you!

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  7. I totally understand! I still feel that way a lot of the time. I don't think you are effed up at all... or at the very least, I'm right there with you!

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  8. I felt like that with my son...it's normal, and yes, it's a way of protecting yourself. But wow does it change when they're in your arms.

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