Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hopelessly Devoted to You

He made up for it! :) We talked while he was at work, I wanted to wait until he came home but he could tell that I was upset and called me on his break. I explained how he had made me feel and he understood and apologized. Then he came home with flowers AND a card!! I really do have a wonderful husband.

He makes me crzy sometimes and he's frustrating and infuriating... but he loves me more than I could ever have imagined possible. I love him quite a bit too... How can you not love a man who wears a tree skirt as a cape and sings to you in the mornings?!? He makes me laugh everyday and he's an EXCELLENT kisser (that was one of my highest standards when looking for a husband).

I am trying to come to peace with the fact that we may never have a baby. I want to know that I will be ok if we don't. If clomid doesn't work next month we will move on to IUI and if that doesn't work... we're done. Neither one of us feels comfortable with IVF (the cost being one of the major factors) and I don't think we would want to adopt.

Once upon a time, I didn't want kids. I was adamant that I would never want them. But then I met my Husband and there was something about falling madly in love with someone in under a month that makes you start wanting things you never thought you would.

So I want to know that I will be ok if there is never a baby. I am trying to come to terms with it. Instead of college funds and diapers and onesies... vacations. Instead of sippy cups, baby food, potty training... white furniture. Instead of nurseries, 4 am feedings and strollers... sports car.

But man... all I can think about are sippy cups, nurseries, and onesies...

Monday, February 22, 2010

Square One

This cycle has been so up and down for me. I was so excited that I ovulated and it was a real possibility for me to get pregnant this month. Then I actually start getting pregnancy symptoms... excitement goes up! Now I am not so sure. Yesterday I started cramping a little like my period was coming and I got really upset. I mean tears streaming down my face upset. It hasn't yet, but I am still upset.

Last night I was laying in bed crying and my husband, who really is wonderful, just didn't get it. He just completely doesn't understand what I am going through with this process. I tried explaining to him and all he said was 'I mean all you do is take a pill that makes you do what everyone else does normally.' It was like a slap in the face. I couldn't even talk to him about it last night. He has watched me go through mood swings, sob uncontrollably for no reason at all, get horrendous headaches, go through weeks of hot flashes, nausea... you name it, I've had it. And he thinks its basically nothing.

How do I explain that every month that I don't get pregnant my heart breaks a little more and I lose another little piece of myself? How do I explain the complete and utter obsession of the two week wait? How do I explain the complete feeling of failure as a woman? How do I explain the fear that I will never be a mother?

Maybe he'll never understand and this is something that I need to go through alone. I mean, he has kids. And man I love those kids. My step kids are great and I am really thankful for them. But... its not the same. Maybe I will just never have that and maybe its something that I need to make peace with.

I love my husband with all my heart and I am so thankful for him. He really is a wonderful husband. But with this certain situation... I don't know. It's like he doesn't even want to understand what I am going through. I am so confused and upset right now.

And I STILL don't know if I'm pregnant or not... I had some bloodwork done this morning for my thyroid and had them do a pregnancy test as well so I guess I will know by the end of the week. If the witch doesn't show up first...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I have not had the most positive day today! I have been trying so hard to stay positive but I am failing miserably. I bought this little Miracles plaque (I don't know what to call it exactly) last week. I was in Hallmark and saw it and it just hit me. It's exactly what I need to keep me in the right frame of mind. I keep it in my kitchen windowsill so I can see it everyday. I need to be reminded that although other people are able to get pregnant without hardly trying, something so special and magical as a baby of my own will take a little time.

So today, thank you Cinderella! Even as an adult, married to a wonderful man and living an amazing life you have found another way to inspire me to reach for the fairy tale ending after all.

"Even miracles take a little time." -Cinderella

I knew I wasn't done with my happily ever after.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Through the Fire

I always thought my mom was being a little dramatic about her hot flashes when she was going through menopause... I am now officially apologizing. These hot flashes are a BITCH!!! I can barely even sleep in the same bed as my husband (although to be honest I have always had a hard time sharing my tiny queen size bed). I have always been overly cold all the time (due to my thyroid issues) so I really go everywhere prepared to be cold. Even during the summer... and I live in Phoenix. These hot flashes really took me by surprise. I am sure I look like a maniac running through the aisles of the grocery store ripping my hoodie off. They seem to happen a little less now and I hope they are going away. Damn Clomid (I didn't mean that, clomid! I still love you especially if you help me get pregnant!:)).

So, officially, as the first time I have definitely ovulated in years it is, of course, obvious that I am now obsessing over every tiny thing I feel hoping its my little bundle.

I have had a backache since last Tuesday... lower back like I get right before I start my period. It does seem to be less intense now. I have also had cramps.. again like my period is about to start. They started Friday and went through Sunday. They were most intense early Sunday morning (they woke me up). I have never had cramps like that except when I was on my period. I was CONVINCED I was starting really early (although that would be strange since most of mine have to be chemically induced) and kept going to the bathroom to check. Nothing.

Friday I started feeling nauseous. My husband wanted pizza for dinner, which I usually LOVE (means I don't have to cook!) and I went online to order from this new place he wanted to try and immediately started gagging when I just SAW the pictures of the pizza. I couldn't eat it, either. I could barely stay in the room with him while he ate. I ended up getting nuggets from McDonalds. I usually hate McDonalds and only go when we have the kids and I am forced into it. Weird. I felt nauseous on Saturday when we drove past KFC with the windows down but then that's what I really really wanted for dinner.

On Sunday I was good most of the day, I felt a little sick to my stomach before we went to dinner but then I was fine the rest of the night. Yesterday, however... VERY nauseous. So I had some Godiva chocolate cheesecake for breakfast. It was delicious. But then the nausea came back and I ended up laying down for a nap. We went grocery shopping later and even walking down some aisles in Sam's I was gagging (the huge containers of mayo and ranch really looked gross). My husband made gourmet bacon cheeseburgers on the grill... just about my favorite food ever. They were huge but one did not fill me up so I said what the hell and went for two... Halfway through I guess my stomach decided it didn't like bacon as much as it had 10 minutes before and I almost threw up. I felt sick the rest of the night.

I've had a few touches of heartburn. That really sucks. And I am convinced my nipples are darker. Husband took a picture of them last night so we can compare daily. Ha. I've had a few shooting pains in my boobs, too. Which is strange, my boobs never hurt. At all. EVER. In fact, they're almost numb. Even when they're touched I can barely feel it. It's a real letdown for my husband.

The only other major thing I am feeling is little pin pricks every now and then in my uterus area. And when I stretch it feels like I pulled something in my uterus. I am praying so hard that means I am pregnant! I have been stalking twoweekwait.com and reading other women's symptoms. I have a lot that other women do, too. But I am terrified that it is all in my head. Sunday I was CONVINCED that I was pregnant. Now I am convinced I am not but wishing I was. I've had these really vivid dreams about positive pregnancy tests. I hope that means something good.

In other non-baby related news.... the Husband did an AMAZING job on Valentine's Day. I got an engraved picture frame, a cookie jar (that says Quincey Family Cookies), a cookbook of all cookie recipes and a personalized card. :) Then he took me to see Valentine's Day (it was really good) and then to dinner at PF Chang's. Oh. And dessert from Cheesecake Factory. All in all, amazing day. He got the good lovin' that night! :D

I am working on not being stressed and just hoping this is it! In the meantime, I am preparing to have my step kids for Spring Break. And my mother... and my In-Laws. It's going to be a packed house. 7 people.... three beds. Should be interesting! :)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Maybe I'm Amazed

I survived the Clomid! Not only did I survive, but I made it through with no more emotional break downs. It's a miracle! I feel like myself again, which is nice. I am pretty sure my husband is pretty relieved, as well.

Sunday I started my ovulation predictor kits. I should have started a couple days earlier, but I lost track of the days. Turns out, the first one I took on Sunday came up POSITIVE!!!! I could barely believe it. I ran outside with the test (which is kind of gross, considering I pee on it) and showed it to my husband to make sure I wasn't seeing things. He confirmed the positive result. I still wasn't satisfied so I took a picture on my phone and sent it to a friend of mine, who also confirmed the positive result. I was sooo excited! FINALLY I am achieving a normal body function! This is the first time I have ovulated in, well, YEARS. I am strangely proud of my body for responding to the Clomid and THANK GOD because that higher dose really made it itself known.

I went to my follicle check ultrasound appointment yesterday. I was so optimistic because I had already gotten the positive result. But again, my follicles weren't showing that they were ripe or that I was about to ovulate. The Dr said that I had probably already released the egg. I suppose I should trust the test of the Dr does but I am still questioning it and hoping that I didn't misread it.

If I did release it already we should have a good chance of being pregnant (thank goodness for all the sex Saturday and Sunday! :)). I am so hopeful. I'm also a little nervous. I don't want to get my hopes up too high and then be disappointed. But I keep telling myself... at least this is a step in the right direction.

I still couldn't stop myself from going through the baby section at Target today, though... So many cute new things! Graco has a new travel system out called little hoot that has owls all over it. SO adorable. I love owls lately for some reason.

I'm babbling.

This weekend is Valentine's Day. I am getting a head start and baking my husband some cupcakes tonight. I never liked this Holiday before but now it's a nice excuse to spoil my husband and make out in public! That's right... we're one of those couples. I'm not ashamed... I hold my head up high and celebrate the PDA!

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Point of No Return

I am nearing the end of my second round of Clomid! Today is day four and then tomorrow and then its hormone free (hopefully) for a few days.

Last month I basically had no side effects. It was great and I was strangely proud of myself for being stronger than all these hormones I was pumping into my body. I felt like super woman! Then they doubled my dose.

Oh, man. Friday was day one and I didn't have alot planned. That said, I DEFINITELY didn't plan on sitting on the couch and crying my eyes out for 30 minutes for absolutely no reason except I had remembered when George's dad died on Grey's. I mean, REALLY sad episode but it didn't deserve tears a few years later. So I decided to forewarn my husband. I texted him and let him know of my emotional breakdown and told him that I needed him to be careful with me. He said OK and I just felt so relieved... crisis averted!

Not so much.

I had thought he would be coming home early on Friday and I was really excited to see him and spend some time with him. Instead he decided to go to a work function that he had previously not wanted to go to. So I said OK, go. I wasn't happy about it but I recognized that I wasn't reacting rationally and he works hard and of course he should go and enjoy the benefits of that. Unfortunately for both of us I was under the impression that he was only going for an hour or two. Yeah. As time passed, I sat in the living room not able to concentrate on anything except how angry I was! All I could think was that he had abandoned me in my time of need and he would rather have all this fun with his co-workers and not me. And then... the most evil of all.... Tiffany. The girl who has a thing for my husband at work. I pictured him, the innocent lamb, playing skee-ball with his work buddies and her lurking, always ready to give him a high five or a hug for a particularly high score... As my rage grew, I knew he was out having a blast, WITHOUT ME, with Tiffany hanging all over him....

I snapped.

Now, normally, I am not a completely crazy person (sometimes a touch of crazy but never completely). I have known about Tiffany for a long time and I think she is completely inappropriate and I don't want my husband around her but I trust him without one tiny little doubt in my heart. I will say that I don't trust HER (I mean really, what single woman invites a married man to stay with her when his wife is across the country?!?). And I'm just going to say it... I've met her and if we're going to compare looks, I really don't have anything to worry about. So all of this... CLOMID.

I finally talked to him on the phone and I just spewed five hours of angry and pity party all over my poor husband. Yes, he should've called and let me know he was going to be later than we thought, which he immediately apologized for. Did that stop me?!!? NOOOOO. The point of no return. I could not stop. I was crying hysterically and hurling accusations at him like a wild woman.

Needless to say he didn't take it well. The decision was made to leave it til morning. After he went to bed I stayed up, completely spent and not understanding my emotions. A little talk with one of my best friends calmed me down and I determined to do better the next day and to apologize to my husband. I also got a great recommendation from another friend on a couple books that help you understand the opposite sex better... I decided I would go out early, pick them up and then sit down and apologize and try to explain the whole thing to my husband.

Well, I didn't make it out of the house before he got up. We talked for a long time, apologies were made and he came with me to get the books. I came home and read them both, cover to cover. I thought the worst had passed...


Saturday night, low and behold, all these emotions are just raging inside me. Then I read this message board about how having PCOS makes you 50% more likely to get certain kinds of cancer. 50%!!!!! I freaked out... I was so scared. So I cried and cried and cried and cried. Could. not. stop.

I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling... How I felt so broken, and like everything was all my fault and I was so sorry that he was stuck with this barren, infertile woman. Finally I took some benadryl so I could sleep. I was sick of myself at this point so I can only imagine what my husband was feeling.

Finally, blessed sleep.

Strangely enough, Sunday I was fine. I got a little extra annoyed a few times but I did my best to contain it. I also decided to take control of my life a little bit. I made a schedule for myself. If I am going to be a housewife and a stay at home mom I am going to be the best that I can possibly be. Now I know what chores I am going to get done everyday of the week and I am going to do my best to do Yoga everyday. And there will be dinner on the table every weekday at 7:30. Sounds like 1952, right?!?! I know. My old independent party girl self would be so ashamed. But I guess I am more traditional than I ever thought. I like to take care of my husband and for the most part, I really enjoy cooking (I'm not half bad either). I don't LOVE cleaning but I do enjoy having a clean, neat house. It's just easier to breathe.

That brings us to today... I am feeling fine today. I haven't gotten much done but I am feeling very ambitious today. I will conquer the world today! Well, if not the world, then at the very least my messy living room.
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