Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I'm Alright

I am full of conflicting feelings. I am excited, motivated, crushed, determined, terrified, hurt and hopeful.

Last Thursday was my follicle check ultrasound. I went in nervous and trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I had no mature follicles. Again. I was devastated. The technician brought one of the doctors in to talk to me. My regular doctor wasn't available so I got someone different. He told me that this cycle is a bust. We talked about my cycle last month and he told me that although I got the LH surge I definitely did not release an egg, otherwise I would have gotten my period naturally. He told me to wait about 25 days, take a pregnancy test and if negative start the 5 day dose of provera. He wrote me a prescription for 150 mg of clomid for next month. I left, called my husband and cried in my car.

Earlier in the month at my last appointment with Dr. Amazing she had told me that she wanted me to go to a fertility clinic if this cycle didn't work. But now I had a choice. I could do one more round of clomid with them on the highest dose or I could just head to the clinic. I was so torn. I had already called the clinic I had chosen just in case the day before. I spent all day thinking about the options. I ended up calling the clinic again and getting the new patient paperwork just in case.

When my husband got home from work we sat down to discuss all our options. He surprised me. All along I have felt that I was willing to go further in this fertility process than he was. He had a moral dilemma about 'manufacturing' babies and how far was too far. He also felt like if God wanted us to have a baby then we would. I felt like if we were trying to have a designer baby or cloning someone then that would be too far. He sat down in front of me and told me how he had really been thinking about all our options. He said that he wanted to have a baby with me so badly that he was willing to do whatever was possible to make it happen.

On the one hand, I knew this. But it was so nice to hear. He thinks I'll be a good mom and that means the world to me. So, the decision was made.

We're going to the Fertility Clinic!!

I feel so good about this decision! We sat down and did all 23 pages of patient history. Well, I did 21 pages, he did 2. I faxed them to the clinic on Friday and yesterday we set our appointment. Monday April 5, 10 AM. I am so ready. But I am nervous at the same time. We also got our new Doctor's name and I looked him up and he's been named one of the top infertility doctors in our city. I am excited and anxious to get to that appointment and see what he has to say.

In clomid news, the side effects keep coming. Even though this cycle is a bust I still took my full dose and so I get to enjoy these lovely hot flashes for a few more weeks.

So until next week I am being the most amazing housewife imaginable! I am baking and cleaning and cooking and folding and running errands. And watching Days of Our Lives. I mean if there is anything in this world to take your mind off your own drama, it's a soap opera!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Everything I do I do it for You

I just got home from my latest Dr. appt and I am actually excited about this fertility process again. I love my Dr so much! Seriously, if it wouldn't be really wierd and creepy I would try and become her best friend. I really would. She gives me such hope and she's proactive about things and I really really feel like she's rooting for me. I love that.

But the good news is... she put me on Metformin! I am so excited (despite the GI side effects... ew). She said it should really help me lose weight (which has honestly been such an exercise in frustration) and help get me regulated and we're still sticking with the clomid. She seems really confident about this combination for me. Plus, of course I am still on the thyroid meds, as well. Man... I am turning into a one woman pharmacy! And I am so ok with that... as long as it gets me where I am going. So, next cycle... BRING IT ON! I am ready for this. I also ordered some preseed. And I am taking my husband to the sex toy shop. That's right. We're one of those couples. Time to kick this baby making into high gear!!!

Going to see Dr. Amazing (that's so her new name) was really just the pick me up I needed. I am confident and excited about this process again.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Trouble Sleeping

I talked to my Doctor's office last Friday. I updated them on everything that was going on. Which is A LOT. Last week I had my bloodwork for my thyroid done. It has FINALLY shown up that it is underactive (which we have suspected for years) and I am finally on medicine. Levoxyl. I was excited about that. It's been a really long time coming. But the pregnancy test came back negative. Disappointed. I was due to start around last Wednesday. Or so I thought. I have never had regular cycles so I wasn't too sure. But I got the positive OPK on February 7 (CD12) so I thought surely I would start on my own this month. Not happening.

Anyway, my Dr. told me to wait til CD35 (today) to take a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE. I have been cramping so badly for the last week. Which isn't abnormal when I am actually on my period. I have always had bad cramps. But I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED. I am getting frustrated. When other women are on clomid a single cycle is usually around 28-30 days (I realize there are exceptions). But for me a single cycle is usually 50-60 days. I hate the whole process. Wait and wait. Get your hopes up. Test. Test. Test. Negative. Progesterone for 5 days. Another 4 days til you actually start and another 3 days until you start the new round of clomid. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!

Last night the cramps were so bad they woke me up around 3 am and I was worried about waking up my husband so I literally walked around my house in the dark wimpering. I didn't get back in bed til his alarm went off.


I am in a very why me?!!? sort of mood right now. Maybe it has to do with the baby shower invite I got and having to go through registries to pick a gift out for my friend's baby girl.

I am getting really emotional right now. I know I should be thankful for all the wonderful in my life (and I swear on most days I am) it's just... I don't even know. I have that impending doom feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe its realizing that by the time I get through all the progesterone hoopla and actually start the clomid I will be taking it while my stepkids, in laws and my mother are here.

I am so full of anger, frustration, self pity, and fear right now. There is a huge part of me that is just simply terrified that I will never be pregnant and have a baby.

You know... I think I need some chocolate.

Take Me the Way I am

In exactly two weeks it's my first wedding anniversary. I have to say that I am REALLY excited about it. I've had very few anniversary celebrations in my life and definitely none celebrating getting married!
So I decided to do a post dedicated to my anniversary. I would do it in two weeks but I am going to have 5 extra people in my house and I very much doubt I will have time.
We got married in Vegas. Now I had never ever considered myself a get hitched in Vegas sort of girl (although I was definitely the party it up in Vegas girl when i was single). When we got engaged and we started planning we quickly realized we couldn't afford a huge wedding. After a suggestion from my Father In Law (one of the sweetest men in the entire world) I started really considering the Vegas idea. But I really wanted to make sure that it didn't turn out too tacky.
We ended up getting married at Treasure Island. I wasn't thrilled about putting the words Treasure Island on my invitations but they had an adorable chapel and a package that included limos, flowers, a suite, champagne, video, pictures etc for $1300. Hard to pass up. It ended up being beautiful. And we had a hilarious pastor (think Princess Bride).
I walked down the aisle to At Last by Etta James. I had a bouquet made by my mother, a handkerchief hand stitched by my grandmother and an angel pin that belonged to my mother in law's mother. I had hot pink heels on and my veil was handmade by my mother and I had made some cute hot pink panties that said Mrs. Quincey across the butt.
Right when the music started I was in a hallway all by myself. I wasn't nervous but I had butterflies. I walked down the aisle (very short aisle) with my father. As soon as those doors opened all I could see was his face. Everything in me melted and settled all at the same time. I thought I would get so emotional and cry all over the place but all I could do was look at this man that I loved so much and think  ‘Thank God you found me.'
Our reception was at Maggiano's Little Italy (if you haven't eaten there... go immediately). We had about 30 wedding guests. Our first dance was to Calling You by Blue October (the acoustic version). The food was AMAZING. Although I didn't get to eat much as there just was not any more room in that dress. Everyone just PARTIED. It was literally the most fun I had ever had. Everyone danced and danced. The open bar helped a lot. At one point my maid of honor was getting low with my mother in law. It was just so great.
It was all over way too soon. I am so thankful that I had a flawless wedding day. Even the things that went wrong just make me laugh. That day I married my best friend, the man who makes me laugh everyday, takes care of me, tolerates my inconsistencies and loves me for who I am. It hasn't always been easy this past year but there is no one I would rather wake up to every morning. I feel so blessed.
In honor of the best day of my life... A slide show of our day...


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