Monday, September 27, 2010

The Husband

has a blog!

I've been bugging him for awhile to start one and he finally has!

He's smart, opinionated and does NOT pull punches. So go on and check it out!

I'm pretty proud of him if I do say so myself. :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

WTF, Florida?!?

Over the course of our three years together my adorable and ever restless Husband has moved me across the country four times.


We met in Texas and three months later moved to Georgia (I know, it was fast). Six months after that we moved back to Texas. Less than a year later we moved to Phoenix, AZ. I lived in Arizona almost exactly nine months before we moved to Florida.

Where we currently reside.

I LOVE living in Florida. There isn't much that can make this girl happier than sunshine, the beach, a good pool and amazing shopping. There is a Chipotle that is less than five minutes away, too. That doesn't hurt things at all.

The other day while partaking in the aforementioned shopping I discovered something that I don't love about Florida.

LOVE BUGS. And yes, they're doing the nasty. They live just as long as they mate. As soon as they're done mating they die.

When I walked into the store there were none. When I walked out thirty minutes later they were EVERYWHERE. I had to bat them off of me as I made a run for the car.

Huge black swarming clouds of them.

I jumped in my car and got my door shut as quickly as I could. I immediately called a good friend of mine to tell her about this sudden plague on the state of Florida when something horrible and unexpected happened...

A set of love bugs flew in my mouth. And I swallowed them.

It was so sudden and unexpected and awful. I panicked. I hung up on my friend and started desperately drinking a hot soda I had left in my car. I swear I could feel them bumping uglies all the way down my throat.

I swallowed bugs while they were having sex.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Not Over

Yesterday afternoon I got a call. A really great call.

Dr. Baby's nurse was calling to see if I wanted to come in for my consult today instead of next week. I jumped on it. Even though the appointment was at 8 in the morning. All the way across town.

And BONUS! On Wednesdays my adorable husband doesn't have to go to work until 11. So I got to drag his ass out of bed before 7 am with me. I REALLY hate getting up early in the morning all by myself!

So the husband finally got to meet Dr. Baby. And he loved him! Just like I do.

We went over all my questions (and let's face it... I had A LOT of questions) and decided on the new treatment plan.

Tomorrow I start prometrium to bring on a period. Then I will continue with femara days 3-7, adding injections of follistim on days 5, 7, and 9. Follicle check ultrasound on day 10 and, depending on those results and these stubborn ovaries of mine, ovidrel trigger shots.

Then sex-a-palooza.

I was initially concerned about follistim being covered by my insurance (even though everything else has been covered thus far). I called my insurance company and it is covered as long as it's not prescribed in conjunction with non-coital procedures.

A.K.A... you can bang until you're blue in the face but if the bangin' don't work you're out of luck!!

So this cycle should be underway soon...


Monday, September 20, 2010

Where do we go from here?

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be... "

Bonus points for you if you recognize that great song and even greater movie!

My appointment this morning did not go well. My follicles have barely grown. 12.5 is the biggest. So in the last 4 days it should have grown at least 8 mm (ideally) and it grew.... 3.

Way to go dumb ass ovary!

Worse... my lining has gotten thinner. It wasn't where it needed to be last Thursday and now it's shrinking!?! I don't even know what to do with that information. My lining has never been an issue (that I know of) and I have no clue how to fix it or what it means for all this....

I am... everything. I am hurting.

But more than that... I am FREAKING PISSED OFF!!

I mean, SERIOUSLY,  what more do you want from me, Ovaries!?!? What you're doing is really EFFED up! Those eggs are mine, not yours!


I have officially cracked up. Because that little rant was actually what I was yelling (yes, literally yelling) at my ovaries as I drove away from the clinic this morning.

Infertility has driven me to the brink.

So now I wait (what?!? WAITING! Where have I heard that before!?!?).

Dr. Baby's nurses will call me this afternoon with blood test results and instructions.
Margarita anyone?!?

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Over the months something has slowly but surely started to go missing out of my life.

My sex drive.

It's gone and I don't know where it has run off to.

I don't know if it is the whole trying to conceive thing or if it is something else. It might just be the PCOS. I have gained so much weight and I feel so gross.

I don't find myself beautiful so how can my husband possibly find me beautiful?

I have become self conscious and I don't want to put my body on display anymore. I'm ashamed of the way I look. All my self confidence (which I have always had a bit too much of) has gone out the window.

Rationally, I know my husband loves me more than anything. He really does love me. He loves me for all I am... the good, the bad and the ugly.

Emotionally... I want to be the most beautiful thing in the world for him. I want to make him proud to be with me. I want to be perfect for him.

I know I'll never be perfect. I know that I will never be the most beautiful woman in the world.

Once upon a time, when we first got together, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world because of him. He treated me like I was the most precious thing in existence. I felt so cherished. He looked at me like he couldn't believe his luck in being with me. I felt... invincible.

It was one of the reasons that I fell in love with him. No one had ever treated me like I was so special before. No one had ever made me feel like I was beautiful like that before. I saw myself as he saw me and I lost all the inhibitions I had. For him I let go of everything and became this wanton sex goddess.

It was addictive. Liberating. It was one of the most beautiful times in my life.

Over the last three years, through the stress of life, infertility, PCOS... we've lost it. I've lost it. I've lost every bit of confidence that I used to have. I used to feel beautiful and on top of the world. Now I just want to hide.

And with all my confidence went my sex drive. They are on vacation together and I would really like them to come home about now.

So how do I recapture it? How do I go back to the girl I once was?

Was it just the headiness of that head first tumble into love?

How do I get back to that place where I feel beautiful again?

I feel like infertility and PCOS have stripped away so much that makes me a woman. The core of what makes me a woman has been taken away. I feel like I am less of a woman.

So tell me... How do I bring Sexy Back?

Friday, September 17, 2010

18 mm Forward 9.5 mm Back

Yesterday was my cycle day 11 follicle check ultrasound. I wasn't very worried about it since last month went so well. There were moments when I thought about the possibility of things not going as well as last month but I mostly discounted those moments as paranoia.

Going into my appointment I was just recovering from a 2 day migraine. I was tired and sluggish and really just wanted to get in and out of there so I could go back home and crawl in bed. Thank goodness for the blood draw lady (phlebotomist?) at Dr. Baby's office. She makes me laugh every time.

I knew things weren't awesome during my ultrasound when the nurse was so quiet and kept rearranging the wand to get a better view of my ovaries. And when she announced that my uterine lining wasn't exactly where they wanted it to be. They wanted it to be over 7 and it was a little over 6. Not awful... just not awesome.

My biggest follicle was 9.5 mm. Last month on cycle day 11 I had a 12 mm follicle that became an 18 mm follicle by cycle day 14 allowing me to trigger on cycle day 15.

I left the appointment really discouraged. I wasn't devastated. Just kind of... morose. I decided to indulge in some retail therapy while I waited for the call from Dr. Baby with the game plan. And when I say retail therapy, I mean SERIOUS retail therapy.

Good news is that I distracted myself pretty well and actually got started on Christmas shopping. I also decided on some projects that I am going to start so I can make some presents. I figure that these projects will keep me busy and nicely distracted from worrying about my follicles.

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse and I go back on Monday for a re-check ultrasound. Until then, Dr. Baby has given me strict instructions to relax and take it easy this weekend because stress can delay ovulation and follicle growth.

So I will try and go forth into this weekend with the plan of relaxation, no stress and maybe a pedicure.

I also may or may not have bought a few pounds of raspberries to scarf down.

Aren't they pretty?!

Monday will come soon enough and I will find out the fate of this cycle.

And hopefully I won't have to give these stubborn ovaries a swift kick in the ass!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Thank You for Your Service

I have been sitting on this post for a little over a month. I wanted to share but I didn't feel ready and I wanted an appropriate time. Today seems to be the day.

At the beginning of August a good friend of mine came to visit with her Mom. I took them all over town to show them a good time. One day we decided to go to St. Augustine, FL. It's the oldest continually inhabited town in America. It's quaint, adorable and lots of fun.

We went and ate at Santa Maria where we got to feed fish and birds from our table. And got a personal dolphin show. It was so much fun!

As we were driving into town to go shopping I saw a man on the corner. He was holding a cardboard sign that said "Out of work Veteran. Will work for food."

I was immediately heartbroken. There are so many vets that really have a hard time transitioning from service to corporate America. I started digging in my purse for cash and since we were at a red light I had my friend call him over to the car and give him the money. As he took it from us I looked at him and said "Thank you for your service." He teared up. I saw the pride in his eyes and how hard it was for him to take handouts.

As we drove away he stood on the sidewalk and saluted us. My heart was full and I teared up myself. This man could have so easily been my husband. Someone who risked life and limb for our country. As the wife of a veteran I felt such a responsibility to help this man who had put our freedom above his personal safety.

All I could think about, as I drove away to spend my frivolous day shopping, was my husband and the sacrifices he made. I was thinking about all the men and women who fight daily for our country. And all the people who sacrifice to make sure that my home is safe and secure. All the families who do without their loved ones for the greater good. And all the people who have given their lives for me and my family.

So, today on the 9th Anniversary of 9/11. Thank you for your Service. We will never forget.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Here We Go Again

My In Laws are in town. I have spent the last four days hanging out with my 21 year old brother in law and his best friend. And my husband. Listening to them talk about chicks and watching them guzzle beers. It has been nice to spend time with them but I am ready for an estrogen fest!

So we are staying at a condo across town and my husband and I are sleeping on a pull out couch. It's hell on us when we are used to a memory foam mattress. :) So this morning when I woke up and my lower back was on fire I didn't think much of it beyond our sleeping arrangements sucking at the moment. But then I went to the bathroom.

Yep. I started. This cycle is over.

I crawled back in bed and just cried. I really didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't. Everything in me told me that I wasn't pregnant.

My husband, on the other hand, believed it wholeheartedly. He had such faith in those swimmers! His hope got out of control when I was a couple days late. So he is more than disappointed. And he feels like a failure. Because I responded to everything for the first time so he feels like this cycle's pregnancy failure is all on him.

I tried explaining to him that it was just the odds. That just because I ovulate and he has great swimmers does not automatically equal pregnancy. But I understand the feeling. It is what I have been feeling for 18 months now.

In the end, he said that he is glad (glad totally isn't the right word because he doesn't like how he's feeling) because now he can understand how I have been feeling through this whole process. He's glad that he can understand my side of things a bit more now.

We spent the day at the pool with the family. Where I was peer pressured into joining the games that the resort runs for the kids at the pool. I'm not much of a joiner. My husband's family... loved it. Today my husband won the cannon ball contest. Against 10 year olds. I am so proud.

This worked to keep me pretty distracted for most of the day. But this afternoon I did have a meltdown poolside with my husband. I was surrounded by families and several pregnant women running after their toddlers. I just started questioning everything. Why do WE have to go through this? Why is it so hard for us? Why is it so easy for so many others but not me?

In those moments I felt absolutely bereft and broken hearted. All I could do was sit, wrapped up in my damp towel, and cry. I just needed to get it out. I needed the day to mourn this cycle. I, literally, couldn't focus on anything other than the crushing disappointment. Thank god for my husband who has come such a long way in understanding how to support me through this process.

Tomorrow I will focus on the next cycle. Tomorrow I will focus on the successes we did have in this last cycle (which were HUGE). Tomorrow I will be positive and pro-active.

Today I need to cry for what I never had.

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