Thursday, December 2, 2010

This Cycle is Wack

Tonight the husband and I put up the Christmas Tree. Yes, it's capitalized. Because it makes me extremely happy. I love Christmas. I've always loved it but since me and the husband started dating in November way back when Christmas makes me think of the stunning, quick, tumble into love and how fascinated we were with each other. It was that exciting time of the relationship where everything is butterflies and tingles. I truly fell in love with him over the holiday season. It just makes this time of year even more special to me.

As for my cycle, I triggered on the Sunday before Thanksgiving so that makes me... 11 dpo and on cycle day 24. I, literally, just had to pull up the calendar on my computer to count that out. I have not kept track of a single thing about this cycle. I made all the right moves, swallowed my pills right on time, injected when I was supposed to, got busy when told... But other than that it's really like I'm not cycling at all, right now. Honestly, it's been a huge relief.

And, really, I'm not a new and improved more zen person. I think I've just truly gotten to the place where I just don't think it's possible anymore.

Tonight while we were decorating the tree the husband mentioned that he was planning on buying me an ornament but he was waiting to hear if there would be baby news first. I said, "Don't hold your breath."

He asked why.

"Because I'm not pregnant and honestly, I don't think I ever will be. It's just not going to happen."

I've lost all hope. I'm not upset or devastated. I'm truly apathetic and I truly believe that I will never be pregnant. But I keep on cycling. Because, I can, I guess. Everything is covered by insurance, even my meds, so why not?

But, really, I don't think I'm a more peaceful person. I've given up in every way except physically. Physically I am still on the cycle train but emotionally and mentally I am still at the depot. I am just not invested in this game anymore.

Yet, I still know I will cycle next month when this cycle inevitably fails.

Like, I said, this cycle is wack.

Or maybe it's just me.

Sarah Q


  1. this is all very familiar, friend. your feelings are valid and i am not going to give you the "never give up hope" speech because it's all a load of crap. i'm glad you will continue to cycle... i'm gonna message you on facebook.

  2. I am pretty much there as well. In many ways I am in a state of "it probably won't happen for me" type of mode. It's not me trying to be negative, just how I honestly feel. I am feeling a little void...until I get sad. I understand how you are feeling and am right there with you. I try really hard to stay positive, but usually it's a shrug and a "we'll see" kind of day. But I keep going too...what else are we supposed to do? Keep in touch dear. For what it's worth, I'll be praying for you.

  3. I'm sorry lady :(
    Hoping Santa (or God) bring you an unexpected gift this year.

  4. sometimes, whack is all we need. I like whack.

  5. I am glad you are being zen this cycle. It makes things a lot less stressful. I was the same way as you. You never know what will happen when you least expect it.

  6. These ups and downs are totally normal, and honestly - won't last... But enjoy the peace while you've got it, and hopefully you won't have to wait much longer! :)

  7. I felt this way during my IVF cycle. Sometimes though, life just surprises you- and it can happen to you too!


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