Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Can't Fight this Feeling

I am angry. Very, very angry.

And annoyed and irritated and frustrated and overwhelmed.

And I probably shouldn't be blogging and sending all this negativity out but I'm going to do it anyway.

I am angry at this stupid effing disease. It is all SO UNFAIR. I am angry that it affects me and is tearing the chance to be a mommy away from me. I am angry that it affects my husband and takes away his chances for a baby together. I am angry that it affects friends of mine who deal with it, as well. I am really angry that it even exists.

I am angry that people, in an effort to be nice and supportive, say dumbass things that are actually condescending and hurtful. (and yes, that makes me sound really bitchy because they all mean well, but there it is)

I am so angry that people who don't love their children are able to have them and I am not. And yes, that's judgmental. Sue me. But I see so many people who are AWFUL to their children or constantly complain about them and that is all I want in the world. All I want is to be able to have a child. And all these people are able to and I am not. That makes me angry.

I only want one. Is that too much to ask!?!?!

I am angry and frustrated that I can't fix certain problems for my family. I feel powerless and overwhelmed that I am not there to help and that makes me feel awful.

And worried. I am worried. I am so worried about what my life will look like with no children. As I have stated before we do not feel like adoption is the way to go for us so if I don't get pregnant... that's it. I am worried about my ability to face that impending truth.

I am worried that I will never be able to let this go. And THAT makes me angry.

I am a ball of anger and negative emotion right now.

I don't know how to get out of this funk.

Sarah Q

6 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry you are feeling all of these things right now. I feel them too...often. I try not to and try to stay positive but it gets harder and harder as time goes on.
    I hope you can find some peace over the holidays. I know I will be trying.

    http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

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  2. don't for one second question about posting about your anger. what courage it takes to be able to do that, sarah. i never could. i wish i knew the magic words for you, but they don't exist, so i'll send a hug. know that you have the support of so many. i am angry for you. i hate the unfairness of it all. my thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

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  3. I think it's a negative day for most people. I'm sorry if talking to me dragged you down into a funk. Good luck with everything, I know how you feel.

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  4. Don't be down on yourself for having these painful emotions and thoughts. They haunt all of us, and sometimes we just can't keep them inside (nor should we damn it). This is you safe space so don't worry, let it all hang out.

    http://uncommonnonsense1.blogspot.com/

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  5. Ditto friend. A big, fat, ditto.

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  6. I was there... I know the shoes you are wearing as you write this post. I think what I hated the most was what IR PCOS did to me. How it impacted who I was. What I could be.

    I feel for you & sending a few prayers for ya!

    ReplyDelete

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