My Give a Damn's Busted

I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and E2 bloodwork this morning. I also had them check on my thyroid because I have been really feeling sluggish lately and I just felt like my thyroid must be really off. So my thyroid medication will be increased.

Follicle wise I have a 13, a 12 and an 11 (and for those that don't know, we want the follicles on the ovaries to be at an 18 before it should release an egg and they should grow about 2 mm a day if not more with the injections). Soooo, basically, we've got three potential eggs going on again even with the reduced follistim.

My E2 came back fine but just like I guessed my thyroid wasn't in a normal range. I am so glad that I had them check on that because it's so important to have normal thyroid levels when TTC and in pregnancy.

Because it's Thursday I am to do another dose of the 75 iu's of follistim tomorrow night and then do my trigger shots Sunday night. Because I have been responding so well to this cocktail of meds I don't even have to go in for another ultrasound. I am welcome to, of course, and can go in on Saturday or Sunday but Dr. Baby is comfortable having me continue as is without another ultrasound and bloodwork.

Something hit me last night... this cycle I am completely apathetic. I am making all the right moves and taking all the correct meds and doing my shots when I need to and following all the 'rules'. But... I just don't care. I literally wasn't worried about this morning's ultrasound. I mean, I was glad I didn't get bad news, but I wasn't excited like I have been in past cycles. I have been very 'eh' about it all.

I am not full of hope and optimism for this cycle and have in fact counted out the days to make sure that I can cycle in December and that Christmas will not interfere with me cycling. And I am good on that count. I can cycle in December without any interference from the Holidays.

I don't know if I am subconsciously protecting myself from the heartbreak of last cycle. I probably am. Because let's face it... I'm still recovering from that horrible let down and the complete idiocy I let my mind take me to.

Good news about being so apathetic is that I've barely been paying attention or obsessing at all. I've barely been able to keep track of my cycle days and had to set alarms on my phone to remind me when to do my injections and take my pills.

Hopefully, this bodes well for the two week wait. I hope that I remain sane through it all.

Overall, I did get good news today. I am just trying to find that place within where I give a damn.