Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Heart of the Matter

Good morning to me! I woke up to a call from my Dr's office. I have to do ovulation predictor kits for the next five days and a pregnancy test two weeks after that to check and make sure I didn't get pregnant. If I didn't and there was no ovulation its 100 mg of Clomid for me next month. Woo. But bonus for me... I found out I have polycystic ovary syndrome, too. Just another disorder that stops me from ovulating and another thing that makes me gain weight....

I don't even know what to think about it right now. I am so tired of being tired! So tired of feeling fat and ugly and working out and dieting doing nothing! But at least now I know why... hypothyroidism AND pcos. Oooh... and the answer to why I have been breaking out since I went off the pill... PCOS. And the answer to why I have to wax my eyebrows and lip like every TWO weeks... PCOS.

I am trying to stay positive. I don't know how successful I will be though. I did go out and get a yoga mat and dvds yesterday. I am going to try and do it everyday and hopefully that will help with my mindset and make me feel a little more energized everyday.

We shall see what happens!

Monday, December 28, 2009

You're Gonna Miss This...

I was getting ready for my dr appt this morning listening to the radio and I heard a song I had never heard before. I really loved it but didn't think much about it... I was so anxious for my appt... and excited (as excited as you can be for an internal ultrasound, anyway).

I really couldn't wait to find out how many ripe follicles I had and how the clomid worked... the only thing I worried about was if it worked too well and I had a ton of ripe follicles and had to skip this month so I wouldn't end up with 20 kids. What I didn't expect was that it didn't work at all. Nothing. Not ONE follicle. Thankfully the technician/nurse was really nice and I was able to leave quickly. I made it to the car before I really started crying.

And I KNOW that this isn't the end of the world and I KNOW that my dr will probably just end up putting me on a higher dose next month and seeing how that works. I know all that. But no one can understand this feeling unless they've experienced it themselves. No one can understand grieving for something that you never had unless you've done it. No one can understand feeling like you're broken and you're not whole because your body won't do what it's supposed to do, unless they've gone through it. No one can know this overwhelming feeling of failure, without experiencing it themselves. And as much as I love all the supportive people in my life telling me don't worry... it will happen. They don't know that. They CAN'T know that. And I appreciate their efforts to make me feel better, I really do... it just doesn't make me feel better.

Turns out I have this amazing husband. He let me cry on the phone and he was so sweet. He's done alot of research about all this and he's always full of facts. They don't always make me feel better but today they did. And I am so grateful for him and how understanding he is.

So I'm waiting to hear from my dr. The results of my ultrasound were faxed over and when she reviews them she will call me and tell me what the next step is. I am thinking it will be the 100 mg dose of Clomid this time (last one was 50 mg). Hopefully that will do the trick.

But in the meantime, I am reflecting on the Trace Adkins song I heard this morning...

'you're gonna miss this
you're gonna want this back
you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but you're gonna miss this'

Leave it to a country song to sum up my life. It puts it in perspective... I have this amazing husband. It's just us right now and I need to enjoy every minute we have together before we add another life to our family. So today I will cry for what I don't have but tonight I will hug my husband when he walks through the door and I will remind myself how truly blessed I am.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Never Say Never...

There are about a half million things I never thought I'd do...
I would never write a blog, never get married before I was 30, never become my mother, never have kids....

Well, let me tell you... I'm sitting here writing my first blog post and sitting next to my husband, I've definitely told my step-son 'only boring people are bored' (thanks for that, Mom), and I'm dying for a baby.

I married the most wonderful man I know in March. I had agreed to have one baby in 5 or 6 years... no rush, right? Yeah about that... a month later it hits me... like running into a brick wall... I could feel my ovaries start to ache. My husband, Randy, was ready... more than. He wanted a baby yesterday. :) So after a lot of debate, discussion and absolute giddiness... out went the birth control pills.

I immediately started obsessing everything baby... clothes, cribs, bedding, decor, bouncy seats, play mats... the internet is a dangerous thing. I was so sure I would be pregnant within weeks. That didn't happen.

We knew I had thyroid problems but weren't sure how exactly that could affect getting pregnant. Long story short... it did.

So now, 8 months later, after many dr visits and an official diagnosis (Hashimoto's Disease) I decided to write this blog. I have been guilty of many internet searches and scaring the crap out of myself because I read all these crazy message boards and I am terrified that everything that happens to these other women will happen to me. So I decided to write this... a true account (I don't guarantee that there won't be craziness) of my Clomid journey.

I did a 5 day course of progesterone starting December 9 and on Cycle Day 3 (Dec 19) I started the 5 day course of clomid. I was initially really nervous about what this would do to me... Would I be a raving lunatic? Really sick? Would I drive my husband away with my bitchiness and therefore the end of the baby journey? A lot was going on. But it turns out, not much in the way of side effects. I was actually in a really great mood all day long. About 8-10 hours after I took the first pill I did feel a little nauseated (we were also driving in the mountains) and I could feel little pin pricks in the ovary area. Not painful at all, but I could definitely feel it.

Today, I took the second pill and I feel fine. Again I am feeling the pin pricks. But more than anything that just encourages me that the clomid is working. I am sending positive thoughts to my ovaries about twice an hour.

I am excited and nervous to see if this works. It may take a few months on the clomid but I can't wait to see what happens!
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