Reflections

I'm jumping on the predictable blogger bandwagon and doing a post about this last year.

It's been pretty incredible.

This year all my dreams came true.

My marriage is stronger and more wonderful than ever and we finally got our miracle. Everyday I am so overwhelmingly thankful to be where I am.

It's been quite the roller coaster (we moved when I was 8 months pregnant AND when B was 3 months old) but I found myself living in a gorgeous part of the country with the man I love and my precious, precious boy.

Nothing can fill my heart more than my husband and my son.

Holy crap... I can say my son. Sometimes it really hits me that I am finally a mommy and it overwhelms me with joy.

Cinderella was right. Even miracles take a little time.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope the new year brings everyone their miracles.

One Year

One year ago I woke up at 5 am really needing to go to the bathroom.

I was trying to hold it and wait because it was time to take a pregnancy test. I was scared. I knew it would be another negative. I'd lost all hope and yet I didn't want another heartbreak.

Instead, I got this the positive. I was so stunned and thrilled. I sat on the bathroom floor shaking, holding the test and not believing my eyes.

I could barely contain my joy. It finally happened.

Following that stunning day was a pretty uneventful and smooth sailing pregnancy.

And now a year later, I have this....

Our first moments together outside the operating room.

Heart to Heart

My heart is so full today.

In between all the cooking and baking it really has been a day of reflecting.

A year ago I was literally getting pregnant.

I have been so emotional all day thinking about where I was a year ago. I had completely given up hope.

I thought that I would not be a mother. I got to a place where I literally thought it was not possible.

And here I am. A year later, this is where I find myself. My heart is so full. A year ago I thought I would not be able to share special days like today with my child.

This was the first outfit we bought him when I was pregnant. Before we even knew he was a boy. :)

Today, I held my little man and I thanked God for this special day filled with memories with my little family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me way more than I deserve and I have a precious baby who is the love of my life (along with the husband, of course).

I never thought I would be here. A mommy. Sometimes, I still can't believe how blessed I am. Everyday I get to wake up to a little person who smiles just because I'm his mommy. He lights up my world.

I do not take any moments for granted and I cannot wait to share this Holiday season with him.

My heart is so full. And so very, very thankful.

Thankful

This is what I am thankful for this year...

There is nothing better!

Just a Feeling

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).

Everything

I've been MIA again.

Obviously, life has changed dramatically and I just haven't had the time to blog. Or read blogs. Or comment. Or even really think about them.

Everyone tells you to prepare yourself for your life to be turned upside down. You roll your eyes and think "Of course life is going to change! I'm not an idiot!! This is what I WANT!! Bring it on!!!"

But, man. It CHANGES. You know it will. You think you're prepared. You think you'll never be the mother with dead eyes, unshowered with dried spit up on your clothes, manically rocking a baby begging through tears for him to just PLEASE sleep. Just for an hour. PLEASE.

Well, at least, I thought that. I thought surely I had this on lockdown. I had experience with babies from my daycare days and I was so ahead of the game.

I was prepared. I had to be. I FOUGHT for this baby for close to two years so OBVIOUSLY it all had to be perfect and sunshine and rainbows.

No surprise that I was wrong again (you know, like back in the day when I thought I would be pregnant the month after going off the pill. Oh, how I can laugh at my naivety now).

Motherhood is EVERYTHING.

And by everything, I mean it in every sense of the word. I can't express the feeling that went through me when they pulled him out of me. I had grown detached through my long labor and eventual c-section. It didn't feel like a baby was coming at the end of all of it. It was abstract. I shut down.

But then they pulled him out. And they held him up and he cried. And it was like a shock just went through my body. All I could think as my emotions finally made a reappearance and I started crying was "There you are. I've waited for you. You're more perfect than I ever thought possible."

Motherhood is everything. It's completely overwhelming emotionally. This little creature depends on you for everything and the enormity of that becomes real. You realize that you would do ANYTHING to keep him safe and happy. He's everything and the focus of your life shifts.

Then you come home. And motherhood is everything. It's what you breathe and think of every second of the day. I won't say it's what you sleep because sleep really does become the most valuable and missed experience of your life. It's overwhelming. Everything about your existence is about this baby. It's wonderful and exhausting.

Last night we got back from a road trip with the little man to check out our new town we're moving to in a few months. And I realized I needed to do SOMETHING that wasn't baby related. Anything.

So this morning we all got up and got B fed and I handed him to the husband and told him he was on baby duty.

I then put on some Alanis super loud and started cleaning. Sweeping and mopping and dishes and dusting. It needed to be done. REALLY needed to be done.

And as I was singing as loud as I could to some old school jams (I mean, really, who doesn't love Ironic?!) I started to get flashbacks.

Flashbacks of the girl I once was. Before I was married. Before I was infertile. Before the treatments. Before everything. I remembered what it felt like to zoom down the highway with my windows down screaming along to some good music while smoking a cigarette (yes, I smoked. No, I don't anymore. And, yes, I occasionally miss it. Shoot me). I remembered that feeling of absolute freedom.

I remembered who I used to be. Completely carefree and fun. God, I was SO FUN! And funny. I loved to dance and joke and drink with my girlfriends. I don't feel fun anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I let being a wife swallow me up. And not to mention the years of infertility and how they took up my entire existence and became my only focus. And now B.

Let me be clear and say that I don't regret a single second of it. I love my husband so much and he's changed my life in so many wonderful ways and really through our relationship I grew up and have learned so much about myself and life. I love him and I love the things we've experienced as we've moved around the country together.

But, I don't want to lose myself either. I fear that I've let that happen over the last four years. And I fear that if I am not careful I will let motherhood do the same thing.

It's funny how a few hours of cleaning and good music can clarify things.

So, I'm here.

Struggling to find myself (again!) while trying to be a good wife, good mother, and heal from the scars of infertility.

Struggling to hold onto the remnants of the girl I once was while trying to become the woman I want to be.

Baby Boy

Introducing Brady Conrad born August 3, 2011 6 lbs 5 oz.

He made his appearance after over two days of labor and a last minute c section. I know some women get upset about having to have a c section but I have absolutely NO REGRETS about any second of my birth experience.

I love this little man so much and although I am SO TIRED I am so so grateful for this blessing.

And he is REALLY freaking cute!!! The last three weeks have changed me forever.

How's that for my 100th blog post?!?!!? :) 

Love the Way You Lie

I lied.

I said in the last post I would only post that one belly picture but I completely forgot about our maternity pictures. I got them back yesterday and yes, I am going to have to post some.

In other news, I am 37 weeks 1 day. Full term!!! I am trying not to freak out about the whole pushing a pumpkin out of my hot pocket thing and at the same time I am so, so ready to get this kid out and meet him!!!

The hospital bag... still a work in progress. I do not know why it is so difficult for me to get this bag packed. It's half done and every time I go to finish it I think about how I would rather take a nap instead.

I am done with my class this coming Monday and I am so glad. This has been such a tough class for me. The actual class and assignments have not been that hard but the instructor is not my favorite and I've had no feedback from him and that is really frustrating. I feel like I haven't learned anything from him and combine that with really wanting to be done for a few months it's been a little overwhelming and frustrating.

I just need this baby to stay in until next Tuesday when class is officially done and then he can come ANYTIME he wants. The sooner the better! :)

We are so happy and so excited and cannot wait to meet this little man!!!

She's in Love with the Boy

Here is my one and only belly picture that I will post here.

I'm getting really excited to meet this little man.

35 Weeks 5 Days

Survey Madness

So I've seen this on a couple blogs and I've been meaning to do it for a couple months, so here goes...

How far along? 35 weeks 3 days
How big is baby?  According to the WTE around 6 lbs. 
Total weight gain/loss: I am still down about 16 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight
Best moment this week: Realizing that we have less than 5 weeks left!
Movement: He's moving all the time, mostly when I am laying down or eating. Which is pretty often.
Symptoms: Extreme hip pain, back pain, and fatigue. Also it's pretty hot out, so I overheat pretty easily.
Symptoms I DON'T have: The nausea and migraines from early pregnancy are gone.
Food cravings: chocolate cake, pasta, fried green tomatoes, and steak.
Food aversions: bacon. gross. And dairy makes me sick.
Gender: Boy. It's been confirmed on three different ultrasounds, so we're pretty confident. 
Labor Signs: None, really. I've had some braxton hicks but that's it. 
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What I miss: sleeping without waking up to pee every hour and being able to shave my own legs. :)
What I am looking forward to: Everything! Finishing up the nursery, meeting this little man, and eating ice cream again. Mmm. 
Milestones: Packing the hospital bag and finishing up the nursery. :)

Gone

It's July.

JULY.

This means I'm having a baby NEXT MONTH!!!!!

Holy crap!! Where the hell did the last 8 months go?!?

The anxiety may be starting to set in...

Not Falling Apart

Yesterday started out as a normal day.

I got up, took the husband to work so I could have the car for the day, headed to my doctor appointment, ran errands and came home.

Yesterday afternoon, though, it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. And my Dr. had a little trouble finding his heartbeat at my appointment that morning.

I did my best to remain calm. I really have not freaked out about anything since this pregnancy started. So I drank a large glass of orange juice and laid down on my side like they recommend to get the baby moving.

I laid down for an hour, switching sides, and nothing was happening. He wasn't moving at all.

Cue major freak out. I got in the car and started driving to my husband's office. I called him crying and told him what was happening and he had me call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me to head to the hospital.

I was pretty much hysterical. I got to my husband's office and we headed to the hospital.

They got me in pretty quickly and got me on the monitors. They found his heartbeat right away. They were showing me his movements on the monitors and I still couldn't feel him moving at all. They monitored him and me for a couple hours and in that time I only felt him once at the very end (and after a nurse came and started pressing on my belly) and according to the monitors he was moving constantly.

They did the ultrasound and apparently his back has turned to my belly and his hands and feet are facing my back making it more difficult for me to feel him move. My placenta also moved and is blocking some of his movements.

So, I'm not crazy. Or hormonal and over-reacting. Thank goodness.

I was so afraid I would go in and they would treat me like I was a hysterical, hormonal, crazy woman. But they didn't. They said I did all the right things by drinking the juice and lying down and when it didn't work, coming in. That made me feel so much better. I am so impressed by the staff at our hospital and I am now more happy than ever that we have chosen that hospital for this little man to be born at.

At the end of the night I was absolutely exhausted and could barely bring myself to drag myself into bed.

I am so thankful for my husband who was amazing through the whole thing and stayed very calm which calmed me down, too. He was just what I needed to keep me from going over the deep end (at least more than I already had). I love him and I am so grateful for him.

When it's all said and done, the little man is ok, perfect even, and although I was scared out of my mind for a few hours I will take that scare and the positive results over the alternative.

Now, I need no more scares for the next 7 1/2 weeks!!!!

Better Than This

Well, I guess I should stop apologizing for being a craptastic blogger. It is what it is. Things are, as always, crazy busy.

As I type I am sitting in our brand new townhouse that we have not even moved into yet waiting while my cable and internet gets hooked up. We move this weekend and I am so excited to be in our new place. It doesn't hurt that it's much bigger than our apartment and LESS rent. Score.

Pregnancy wise I am over 30 weeks along now and going to the doctor every two weeks. I am in disbelief that I am this far along already! It seems like it has flown by and it's starting to hit me that I have less than ten weeks left and so much left to do and buy.

PCOS wise I am SYMPTOM FREE!!! Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have lost about 20 pounds. That occasionally fluctuates month to month but stays pretty consistent. I have had no skin breakouts in about 3 months and, this is one of the best parts.... I haven't had a man beard or had to wax my face in 2 MONTHS!!!

I talked to my doctor about it and he said it is very common for PCOS symptoms to disappear during pregnancy and while breastfeeding and that is most likely the cause of such a drop in my weight. Thank God!! And don't worry, I wasn't skinny to begin with so it's perfectly fine for me to be losing weight right now. :)

Basically, my plan is start working out like crazy after this little man gets here and hope my PCOS symptoms stay away and I can get a really great headstart on losing weight and managing this damn disease. I am REALLY excited about the possibilities!!

I have posts that I have been thinking about writing but haven't gotten around to yet... like about my baby shower. Maybe I'll have the time after this move is done.

Hiatus

I think pregnancy has turned me into an awful blogger.

Things have been so incredibly busy and quite honestly, my last class kind of kicked my ass. I'm glad for it to be over and onto the next one.

I did, however, notice that my last two posts were completely centered around penises. Hmmm. I guess it was a nice break from the year's worth of posts about my ovaries and uterus.

Speaking of my uterus, I am 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Officially in my third trimester! I am so overwhelmed, grateful and humbled to be here. It has been an amazing journey so far.

I have looked back over the years and months it took me to get here and I wonder if I would change anything. Would I change my experiences and wish the infertility away?

I don't think I would. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure so far in this life but it honestly taught me so much. The biggest was to be thankful for every moment.

Every night I lay down to go to sleep and I feel this little boy moving inside my stomach and kicking and punching and rolling and I am so incredibly thankful. This is a blessing that is so truly wonderful and if I had not gone through what I did (and what I most likely will in the future if we want more kids) I would not have the perspective I have now.

I hope it makes me the mommy that I truly want to be.

Things you Shouldn't Shriek in Public

Number One: "Oh my god!! I'm growing a PENIS!!"

You should especially not shriek this in a very crowded Target and most especially not if you're a woman wearing baggy clothes and the strangers who gape at you can't tell you're pregnant with a boy and don't realize you're on your cell phone.

Trust me on this one, people.

Great Balls of Fire

WARNING: If you are at all easily shocked, offended or super conservative you should probably stop reading right now. 


This last weekend my in laws came into town. They are really great and I always enjoy spending time with them. Saturday we decided to go to the beach so the Husband and his Dad could fish and we could lay out. 


My husband had found a beach that we hadn't been to before and had gotten good reviews so we decided to try something new. 


We just didn't know how new it was going to be. 


We walked over the boardwalk at the beach and immediately noticed that 90% of the people were naked. Very, very naked. 


We went by accident but when we walked on and noticed all the nekkids we also noticed that it wasn't too crowded, there were no screaming kids, and people were fishing from the shore. All a plus. So we decided to stay in spite of the penis free for all. 

We were there for an hour or two and my husband and FIL were in the water fishing and me and the MIL are laying out (in bathing suits, just to be clear) when a very tan man wearing only a tight fitted crop top and a fringed straw hat comes strolling up to us. Basically he asks if it's our first time there and why we're not naked and how we should strip down and get an all over tan. 

Let me just say this... We were sitting. He was not. And he was right on the edge of my towel. And uncircumcised. (first uncircumcised man I've ever seen in person AND he was NOT young at all). Finally, he went on his merry way. 

It was awkward to say the least. 

We laughed about it and moved on. We were there for almost 5 hours and there were way too many penises for my taste but I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts so thankfully I couldn't see much. 

We were packing up to leave and I put my glasses on (really why did I need to do that?!?) and my MIL points out something interesting...

An old couple GOING AT IT. 

And by going at it I mean her legs were spread WIDE as they could go and he had his face buried in her crotch and his ass in the air. To say the least, we were ALL in shock. And then... 

Old man penetrates. And he is full on sticking it to his little old lady wife. They are not even TRYING to hide or be discreet. Full out on the beach in front of EVERYONE geriatric sex. 

So yeah. That's what I did with my in laws this last weekend. 

What did you guys do!?!?

20 Weeks and More

This week I hit the 20 week mark.

I am humbled and amazed to be at this point. It seems like the time has just sailed by and it's making me realize that this second half will, too.

I never, ever thought that I would just coast through a pregnancy like this. I truly expected for there to be problems with this pregnancy to worry and stress over. Partly because of my mother's history of miscarriages and partly because I think, as an infertile woman, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my body to fail me yet again.

But... it didn't. I am here. There hasn't been one thing to be concerned about at all. No spotting, no unusual cramping, nothing. I am truly amazed and humbled at my good fortune.

I've also managed to stay pretty calm. I haven't freaked out at the slightest twinges or aches and pains. I've taken everything in stride.

I think my husband is a little shocked by that.

This pregnancy has been easy for the most part but their have been some rough moments. Physically your body goes through so many changes and even when you know about them beforehand, when it's happening to you, it can be a little rough. I'm thankful for each moment but I'm even more thankful to be past the puking multiple times a day moments!!

I think that I've been shying away from blogging because I'm scared of the judgment. When I was going through treatment all the misconceptions and judgments about what I was doing and how far I was willing to go for a baby hurt me. A lot. I was hurt when family members wouldn't acknowledge it or would make offhand comments invalidating what we were going through and I was hurt by people's ignorance. And shocked.

Now, I find that there is no judgment like there is for a pregnant woman and as a parent. It's especially evident on the internet. People will spew the nastiest comments towards anyone they think isn't doing a good job as a parent (for example, the breastfeeding vs. formula debate) whether their child is born or not. I am astounded at the audacity of people. It has made me nervous to be completely honest about how I feel, the things I do, and how I plan on raising my child.

It has all made me a shy blogger when I wasn't before.

I'm also worried about being judged by my fellow infertiles.

Because, you know what? I DID post my pee stick on Facebook. And I DO put ultrasound pictures up. And I DO talk about being pregnant. I try to be careful not to do it constantly but it is my life and this is what is happening in it right now. And I posted those pictures because I spent two years being jealous of those pictures and it felt like a right of passage.

A right of passage that I'd been longing for. So, no, I didn't deny myself those small pleasures. I felt like I earned them.

A few months ago I read a blog post by someone (I can't remember who now) absolutely blasting women who did these things, calling them stupid and lame. I read on Twitter all the time posts against doing these things. The bitterness is actually a little scary. I was kind of shocked when I first saw things like this.

I remember all too well being hurt when people made pregnancy announcements. I would take time to rail and rant and ask 'Why not me?'. But I think I was only truly angry about them when it was someone who I thought would not be a good parent (yeah, I know, judgmental. We all do it). When I saw someone who was abusive or neglectful fall pregnant... that was so much harder.

But when did this community get to a place where women rail against other women who are proud and excited to become mommies?

It bothers me. It always has.

Does it absolutely suck that some women and couples get pregnant with no problems and some of us struggle and go through unbelievable heartbreak? Yes. It does. Unquestionably.

But shouldn't we be thankful and glad at the same time that these babies are being welcomed into a home that is filled with such love and excitement at their arrival?

My best friend in the world happens to be one of the most fertile women on the planet. She's 39 weeks with her second son right now and both times she tried to get pregnant it happened on the first month. Let me tell you, I was and am jealous of her reproductive organs. (She's also skinny and gorgeous... hello salt on an open wound).

When she called me and told me she was pregnant last August it was hard. Really hard. She knew how hard it would be for me. She had been by my side through everything, which is why she called me before posting it on Facebook. I fought back my tears as I congratulated her. And when I got off the phone I cried like I had never cried before. Not because I wasn't happy for her but because I was sad for myself. My heart broke that night because I wanted what she had so much.

At the same time, I never begrudged her right to post about pregnancy and put up those ultrasound pictures because I know what a great and wonderful mommy she is. I could feel her excitement and love for that baby with every post. And it made me so happy to see her family growing.

All this to say that all these feelings and being scared of judgment has turned me into a shy and infrequent blogger. But no more. I am here and these are my feelings and life. I may lose followers (I actually already have lost many... there really is something to it when people get pregnant after a struggle... the support, the love, and the commenting go away for the most part. It's kind of isolating.); but I am going to post how I feel.

Judgment be damned.

ICLW

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page (the one with the dog). 

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!

The bad blogger award goes to.... ME!!!

This last week or so has been a huge whirlwind and I've barely had time to catch my breath!

Tuesday was the husband and my wedding anniversary but it was also another big day for us. We found out the gender of the lil nug!! :)

Turns out... we're having a BOY!!!

I was truly shocked. I thought with everything in me that we were having a girl. To the point where I got really pretty upset with myself the night before the ultrasound because I had been leaning so hard towards a girl and I did NOT want to be disappointed in any way after all it took for us to get to this point.

So, when the ultrasound tech said it looks like a boy, I was shocked but I was in NO WAY disappointed. It definitely takes some getting used to. If you can't tell I'm super girly (if the hot pink blog didn't clue you in) and I do feel a bit lost thinking about how to raise a boy. But as my husband says, That's what he is there for!

I am so excited and ready to shop! I am also so relieved that the baby looks great and he is measuring right on track to the very day. My ob says that's a little unusual and usually things are either measuring a few days ahead or behind but this baby is just right on time.

I hope that speaks highly of his future punctuality!

At the end of the day, all I can say is:

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!!!!!!!

Then

In two days my two year wedding anniversary will be here.

It feels like time as flown.

I'll be brutally honest here... the first year was harder than I ever thought it could be. I thought our first year would be so easy because we lived together before we got married. Not the case, my friends.

There were times when I really wondered if we would make it. We had huge challenges and struggles that a lot of people never have to deal with (think clomid).

This second year has had it's challenges but it has truly been easier than the first. I feel like the husband and I have been at such a good place. We've learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We've definitely learned to communicate more effectively and we've learned to be more understanding of the other. We've learned to give each other more grace.

Every single day we choose to love each other. I look at him and think that I would choose this man every single day over and over again, no matter what.

We're definitely not perfect in all that we do but we've come a long way.

I can honestly say that each year with him is better than the last. Each day I wake up next to this man I count myself incredibly blessed. He makes me laugh and listens to my crazy rants, takes incredible care of me and even spoils me with purses and back rubs.

I don't know that I can ask much more than that!

He's also pretty damn cute!

Happy Anniversary, Baby!! I love you more today than I ever thought possible!!

Makes Me Wonder

My Dad was just in town for a visit. 12 whole days.

It was a good visit but having a guest for that long... well, it's a long time!

I have mixed feelings right now. I am all over the place with how I feel. I've never had a great relationship with my Dad. It's been a lot of hurt and hope and disappointment.

I'm slowly but surely trying to find a way to trust that he is trying to have a relationship with me and not wall myself off. After 25 years of being let down... it's not that easy. But I'm trying.

The husband and I went to start our baby registry this last weekend and when we got back to the apartment I was talking to my Dad about all the things we need and how expensive they are.

He told me that he had $1000 set aside for the baby. That he wanted to buy the crib and mattress and crib bedding. He didn't want to just give us money because he wanted to feel like he was getting an actual gift for the baby.

I was shocked. I almost didn't even have anything to say and I finally stuttered out a thank you.

This is the man who once sent me the same DVD 3 years in a row for my birthday while getting my brother things like kayaks. (Ok, I swear I'm not jealous of my brother at all, or materialistic... I was just very hurt at the differences).

This is the man who once (many years ago) refused to lend me $50 when I was short on a bill because he wanted to give money to my brother to pay for his ski trip.

I never asked him for anything after that.

So when out of nowhere he made this announcement I was stunned. And I honestly did not know how to react.

He later told my husband privately that he'd really like us to get a video camera with the rest of the money so we could send him videos of the baby.

This made me cry.

And, yes, I am crying while I write this.

I, literally, don't know who this person is and I have no idea how to react to it at all.

Honestly, a tiny itty bitty part of me is wondering where this person was 28 years ago and why my birth wasn't as momentous. And, maybe I am a tiny bit jealous, too.

But the majority of me is happily stunned that this baby is already so loved and will get the chance at a relationship with my Dad that I never had.

I look forward to seeing how their relationship plays out.

And I find myself wondering if people really can change?

Surf Wax America

I know I haven't been around in awhile and it may still be a bit. There is a lot going on and I am super busy.

But until then, here is this....

MY DAD!! He's here visiting for a few weeks and today I convinced him to take this picture. It makes me laugh so much.

What's made you laugh lately?

I'm NOT too Sexy

Today marked a milestone in my life.

I hope.

Today, I do believe I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I hope. Please, God, let this be it.

After being a hermit for 9 long days and not leaving my house once (I'm kinda proud of that) I ventured out today. Grocery shopping needed to be done and errands needed to be run.

All was going well until I was in the grocery store, looking at the seafood (for my husband, not me. I hate seafood) when something happened. Something horribly familiar.

I froze in my moment of panic and looked around and realized that I had two choices in front of me. My Coach purse or the floor.

The choice was obvious.

I doubled over and puked all over the floor. I lost my lunch right there in the middle of a crowded grocery store and people were all around. And I couldn't stop.

When I was done I hightailed it. I didn't know what else to do. I just ran. A little old lady started chasing me yelling and asking if I was alright but I was simply too humiliated to stop.

And now.... Now I need to find a new grocery store because obviously I can never go there ever again.

I would just like to let the Universe know that I have officially reached my lifetime cap on embarrassing moments. So, Universe, give the rest you had stored up for me to someone else. I don't need them anymore.

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.

I just want to take a moment and reflect on that. I also want to say how incredibly grateful I am to be at this point. I am overwhelmed.

This last week or so has been a little hectic. I went to my first ob appointment and I was less than thrilled with the OB. She was pretty rude the whole time and pretty much called me a liar and also did not seem to understand PCOS and all that went with it. She was a... treat.

I did get an ultrasound, though.

This is the lil nug at 11 weeks. This ultrasound really hit me in such a more emotional way than the others before it. Even more than seeing and hearing the heartbeat because at this ultrasound I got to see the lil nug MOVE. It was... unbelievable. There was my tiny little baby wiggling around and waving it's tiny arms and legs. It truly looked like it was dancing. And it's really starting to look like a REAL baby! It was an amazing moment. 

Needless to say I decided to ditch that Ob, though. She was a real bitch. I got set up with another OB and I really like him so I think we'll stick with him. 

Other than doctor appointments this last week has been mostly about me staying in bed. I got a migraine that kept me down for a day and my nausea has made a reappearance which has kept me pretty useless the last week. 

I wanted to be pregnant for such a long time. I knew there were aspects to pregnancy that would not be easy and would challenge me but I think I also majorly romanticized it. I thought if I can just get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy than nothing else will matter. And to a certain extent that is absolutely true. I am thrilled to be pregnant. 

But, physically, this is hard. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. This isn't me complaining about being pregnant at all. This is me being completely realistic. It is just... hard. 

Now, would I trade any of the difficulty? Absolutely not. Because the end reward will be worth it times a thousand. But I definitely glossed over the difficult aspects of this in my mind and I have most assuredly gotten my reality check!!!

In other news, I am changing my degree plan. I was working on my associates and then when finished with that was going to transfer to my Bachelor's but I decided to go ahead and switch over to my bachelor's program now. The classes are shorter and I will be able to make my schedule a little more family friendly. 

My husband will be done with his last class of his degree soon and I can't wait until he can take a break from school and just relax a little. He has been in school non-stop for over three years only taking two weeks off a year and I can't wait to see him be able to relax and enjoy himself for a bit. He works way too hard. 

Again, this post was a little all over the place and had no real theme or goal. Sorry I've been so scattered. Hopefully as I get into this second trimester I will be feeling more like myself and be more dedicated. Until then, I'm thinking about you all and I can't wait to hear about more BFP's!!!! 

I'm not Dead

So I have been a really bad blogger lately.

Between trying to be a good student (semi-successful), being a good wife and getting dinner on the table every night (VERY unsuccessful) and keeping my house from being a complete wreck and doing laundry (dude. COMPLETE FAILURE); I have let a few things slip through the cracks. Sorry about that.

There are a couple things I've been thinking about these last few weeks on my blogging break. The first is that I am ready to put my pregnancy guilt aside and start celebrating this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am, ALWAYS, still pulling for all of you but for me, it is time to embrace this time in my life.

The first step was donating my unused follistim to my clinic to be given to a couple who really, really needed it. It was my personal leap of faith that this pregnancy will be 100% successful. My husband was reluctant to let them go that soon but once I explained to him why I needed to do it he was on board.

I hope that my good luck was sent along with my meds to someone who really needs it.

Also, we made our first baby purchase a few weeks ago. It was just a onesie and matching bib but it was fun to be finally investing myself fully in this miracle.

Yep. We bought a thanksgiving onesie. I could not find anything else that was gender neutral that I could get on board with. Gender neutral baby clothes tend to lean towards a lot of yellow and ducks. 

A few of you have asked what was in my graduation bag and it wasn't too exciting but I did get a few magazines, samples and a few diapers in a nice blue canvas bag with my clinic's motto on it "Where dreams are conceived."

Anyway, this post is a little bit all over the place and kind of a catch all with no real theme but I do promise not to be so absent in the future!