Friday, April 1, 2011

20 Weeks and More

This week I hit the 20 week mark.

I am humbled and amazed to be at this point. It seems like the time has just sailed by and it's making me realize that this second half will, too.

I never, ever thought that I would just coast through a pregnancy like this. I truly expected for there to be problems with this pregnancy to worry and stress over. Partly because of my mother's history of miscarriages and partly because I think, as an infertile woman, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my body to fail me yet again.

But... it didn't. I am here. There hasn't been one thing to be concerned about at all. No spotting, no unusual cramping, nothing. I am truly amazed and humbled at my good fortune.

I've also managed to stay pretty calm. I haven't freaked out at the slightest twinges or aches and pains. I've taken everything in stride.

I think my husband is a little shocked by that.

This pregnancy has been easy for the most part but their have been some rough moments. Physically your body goes through so many changes and even when you know about them beforehand, when it's happening to you, it can be a little rough. I'm thankful for each moment but I'm even more thankful to be past the puking multiple times a day moments!!

I think that I've been shying away from blogging because I'm scared of the judgment. When I was going through treatment all the misconceptions and judgments about what I was doing and how far I was willing to go for a baby hurt me. A lot. I was hurt when family members wouldn't acknowledge it or would make offhand comments invalidating what we were going through and I was hurt by people's ignorance. And shocked.

Now, I find that there is no judgment like there is for a pregnant woman and as a parent. It's especially evident on the internet. People will spew the nastiest comments towards anyone they think isn't doing a good job as a parent (for example, the breastfeeding vs. formula debate) whether their child is born or not. I am astounded at the audacity of people. It has made me nervous to be completely honest about how I feel, the things I do, and how I plan on raising my child.

It has all made me a shy blogger when I wasn't before.

I'm also worried about being judged by my fellow infertiles.

Because, you know what? I DID post my pee stick on Facebook. And I DO put ultrasound pictures up. And I DO talk about being pregnant. I try to be careful not to do it constantly but it is my life and this is what is happening in it right now. And I posted those pictures because I spent two years being jealous of those pictures and it felt like a right of passage.

A right of passage that I'd been longing for. So, no, I didn't deny myself those small pleasures. I felt like I earned them.

A few months ago I read a blog post by someone (I can't remember who now) absolutely blasting women who did these things, calling them stupid and lame. I read on Twitter all the time posts against doing these things. The bitterness is actually a little scary. I was kind of shocked when I first saw things like this.

I remember all too well being hurt when people made pregnancy announcements. I would take time to rail and rant and ask 'Why not me?'. But I think I was only truly angry about them when it was someone who I thought would not be a good parent (yeah, I know, judgmental. We all do it). When I saw someone who was abusive or neglectful fall pregnant... that was so much harder.

But when did this community get to a place where women rail against other women who are proud and excited to become mommies?

It bothers me. It always has.

Does it absolutely suck that some women and couples get pregnant with no problems and some of us struggle and go through unbelievable heartbreak? Yes. It does. Unquestionably.

But shouldn't we be thankful and glad at the same time that these babies are being welcomed into a home that is filled with such love and excitement at their arrival?

My best friend in the world happens to be one of the most fertile women on the planet. She's 39 weeks with her second son right now and both times she tried to get pregnant it happened on the first month. Let me tell you, I was and am jealous of her reproductive organs. (She's also skinny and gorgeous... hello salt on an open wound).

When she called me and told me she was pregnant last August it was hard. Really hard. She knew how hard it would be for me. She had been by my side through everything, which is why she called me before posting it on Facebook. I fought back my tears as I congratulated her. And when I got off the phone I cried like I had never cried before. Not because I wasn't happy for her but because I was sad for myself. My heart broke that night because I wanted what she had so much.

At the same time, I never begrudged her right to post about pregnancy and put up those ultrasound pictures because I know what a great and wonderful mommy she is. I could feel her excitement and love for that baby with every post. And it made me so happy to see her family growing.

All this to say that all these feelings and being scared of judgment has turned me into a shy and infrequent blogger. But no more. I am here and these are my feelings and life. I may lose followers (I actually already have lost many... there really is something to it when people get pregnant after a struggle... the support, the love, and the commenting go away for the most part. It's kind of isolating.); but I am going to post how I feel.

Judgment be damned.

Sarah Q

10 comments:

  1. thank you for writing this. you have put into words what i have been struggling with expressing for a while now.

    i am so happy to hear that you are doing well and are embracing your pregnancy... you inspire me to do it more for myself!

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  2. I couldn't agree with you more. I learned that everyone has an opinion and some people don't stop to think before they say something... they just say it. Hurtful or not. The one thing you can't let happen is allow these people to get to you or affect your thoughts in any way. You have every right to be happy and you have every right to post your happiness all over the World Wide Web! You deserve it!!! Yes, there are many people who have expressed their thoughts on some of the decisions I have made about the way I am planning to do things with my unborn child. Thank you for your opinions, but this is my child not yours. You just have to keep that in mind. And... jealous people, people whom are hurting for their own reasons can be very mean at times. I don't think it is intentional even though it might feel that way. I just think it is their way of dealing with things. Just pray that one day they will be able to experience the same joy you are experiencing now. And please, do not let them take your sparkle away. You've waited too long and prayed too hard. Enjoy it!

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  3. I feel the same way. I have posted an ultrasound picture and made a couple of facebook posts about it. I try not to be obsessive about it though. Whenever I write a blog entry a lot of it is about pregnancy since that is where I am and I always feel kinda weird about it like I'm going to offend someone by posting about it too much or by not saying how I wish everyone in the trenches well and that I am thinking of them. Not that I don't wish these things, just I feel like I'm obligated to say that a lot and it makes me feel weird.

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  4. However, I do understand self preservation and how hard it is when your going through infertility. Sometimes you can only take so much.

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  5. Very insightful. You are correct. When you get pregnant you get a whole new version of people's judgement.I have been blasted for having C-Sections (not by choice of course, but by complications), and for taking the pain meds offered after birth, and for not breastfeeding for 2 whole years, and for not letting baby co-sleep for years also, for not making organic baby food, for letting my child drink cow's milk, for every letting them dirty their hands on the dirt or putting them in daycare when I was working...the list goes on and on. You have the right idea. Just do your best and remember there is no right or wrong way to choose something. You have every right to your feelings! :)

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  6. I think you should post whatever you want to post. You earned it. You worked damn hard. I, for one, am thrilled for you and proud of you. It's a hard struggle. There should be no reason you can't revel in your victory. Screw those other people.

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  7. i guess i will be in the minority here - but i feel like i should comment.
    i 100% agree that you deserve to be happy about being pregnant. as a former infertile, you have DEFINITELY put in your time and deserve to be blissful. but i have to disagree about the facebook stuff.
    facebook is so inadvertently hurtful.
    my best friend is pregnant and she was extremely concerned that i would freak out or not be able to be happy for her since i was recently diagnosed with PCOS. this isn't the case. i am happy for her. and i mean that. sincerely. but, especially in my dark days, i need to get away from it. i stay away from babies r us. i stay away from baby blogs. i...protect myself.
    i wouldn't have a problem with her posting whatever she wanted on facebook, EXCEPT that it automatically places all of her stuff on my wall - and i have no choice but to see the life i don't have yet. i talked to her about it - and she created privacy settings so that people would actually have to visit her page to see her ultrasound pics. that meant a lot.
    it's not that i don't want people to be happy. it's just that i don't want my face rubbed in it. and there's a big difference.

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  8. Good for you! You just gained a follower ;-) I am so happy for you!

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  9. Oh an one other thing. Just remember decisions YOU make about your life and that of your baby are the right decisions! Tell people to take their judgements and shove 'em! You are going to be little man's Mommy and you will do amazingly well and will raise a perfect little guy!

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  10. Sorry, but having a baby is a happy event! I agree with you 100%. For people who struggle with infertility, I understand that there are triggers. Perhaps, then, you stay away from facebook. Or perhaps you "hide" your pregnant friend's posts if it is something you know will be painful for you. But to ask someone to refrain from sharing the most thrilling event of her life is unfair.

    I could say that raising a child as a single mother is not something I planned. When I see other people announce wedding engagements, or when I read about wonderful husbands who are fantastic fathers, it sometimes stings. But at the same time, I realize this is my own pain...it belongs to no one but me. It is just not fair to ask everyone else to cater their happy news or events around my discomfort.

    So be happy. Rejoice! Pray and hope for those who still dream to be where you are! But don't let anything take away your own joy. You deserve it!

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