Just a Feeling

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).