A Perfect Moment

We got to see the lil nug again the other day. Everything is right on track and perfect. Heart rate was 180 and I got much more emotional this time around hearing that heartbeat. I don't think it sunk in with me last time that it was truly what I was hearing. 

I am now officially released from my clinic and I even got a graduation gift bag. That made me laugh. I had no idea there were graduation gifts beyond a healthy pregnancy and baby.

My first OB appointment isn't until January 25 and hopefully everything will still be look excellent then, too. 

Life is not Fair

This is something that I have come to realize more and more lately.

Obviously, it was something that I lamented over the long 21 months that the husband and I tried to conceive. It was often a battle cry for me, "This isn't FAIR!" and "Why me?!".

Now that I have achieved the goal of getting pregnant and everything seems to be going very well I am still asking the same questions.

I feel it isn't fair that I am here carrying my dream when there are so many of you out there who are not. My heart aches for all of you so much. I think when I was going through infertility myself my heart was aching too much for myself for there to be room for it to ache for all of you. And now I am here, heart breaking that so many of you haven't made it here yet.

I do believe that you will all have your families. I do. With everything in me I know that all of us will end up with our happy families in the end. One way or another. We're too determined and deserving. I just have to believe that this will happen for all of us. One way or another.

I just had to get this out. I had to let you all know that as happy as I am for myself (and make no mistake I am crazy happy for my good luck) I am still thinking of all of you and praying for you every single day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I am pulling for each and every one of you.

Jumbled

My mind is in a jumble.

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.

I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.

I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.

I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.

Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).

Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.

Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas

I hope that the Holiday season has been Merry and Bright for all of you!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

ICLW

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page.

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

Baby Mine

Just ONE lil nug in there!!!

We saw AND heard the heartbeat and the Doctor said everything looks perfect!!! :)

I go in two weeks from now for one more ultrasound to make sure we're still right on track and then I'm released to a regular OB.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today I wrote my first blog post. I was on my second day of my first dose of clomid.

When I look back over this year and all that has happened and how far we have come I feel so humbled and blessed.

This last year has definitely had its ups and downs. I cried more tears than I thought possible but at the end of the day I ended up just where I wanted to be... with a husband I love more and more everyday and a baby in my belly.

What more can I ask for?

Thank you all for following my journey and for all the support and love I've gotten over the last year has astounded me. I love following your stories and I hope and pray that we all end up with our heart's desires.



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Because We Can

The other day I was walking through Target and I let myself do something that I haven't let myself do in a very long time.

I walked through the baby section.

At first, as I walked through I felt sad because I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to buy things from this section for myself and my baby.

And then I remembered... Oh yeah. I'm pregnant!

As I continued on through I really felt like an intruder. I felt like I was in trespassing and about to eat the forbidden fruit. I found myself glancing over my shoulder waiting for someone to tell me to get out because I obviously was not a mommy and not allowed. I felt like an intruder.

I reached out and was about to buy myself a plain pack of white onesies (gender neutral people) and I couldn't do it. I felt like I didn't deserve to buy something like that yet.

courtesy of google images

This pregnancy has not sunk in yet (despite the rapidly increasing morning sickness).

I don't feel like I belong in the pregnancy club.

But I don't feel like I belong in the infertility club either, anymore.

I feel like I am in a bit of a no man's land and I am hoping I find where I fit soon.

Both Sides Now

First, I want to thank all of you so much for all the love and support I've gotten over the last few days. I am truly overwhelmed and grateful to share my story with all of you.

For the last few days I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want to handle this pregnancy here on the blog. I want to handle it with sensitivity and I also want to rejoice and celebrate this time in my life.

Let's be honest here, there is a gushing pregnant woman inside me dying to get out. I want to celebrate this time in my life and be able to document the milestones of my pregnancy. And I feel like I deserve that. I worked for this pregnancy. I poured my heart and soul into the process of getting here and I earned it. I do not want to ignore that and I do not think I should have to.

At the same time, I know how much of a blow positive pregnancy tests are to all of you who are still in the trenches. I know how it makes you ache and ask 'why not me?' Even when it is someone who deserves that BFP it is still a hard blow. I know that. It is something that I struggled with for almost two years.

And I will be a little more honest here.... I have a bit of survivors guilt. I feel a little guilty that I got here when all of you wonderful women are still fighting to get here. I wish I could express how much I want this for all of you.

I also want to keep this blog true to what it started as. It started out as a way to document my journey with infertility and to parenthood. At it's core this blog is about infertility and the struggles that go along with it and while I want to recognize and revel in my pregnancy I do not want to forget my roots.

So, please, bear with me as I struggle to find the right line between pregnancy and the last two years that brought me to this moment.

Infertility Support Group

If any of you are in the Orlando area tomorrow night is our last Resolve Infertility Support Group of the year.

It is so helpful to meet with women/couples who truly understand what you are going through.

If anyone would like to attend please email me at sparklesandfairytales@gmail.com for more information.

We would LOVE to have you!!