Just a Feeling

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).

Because We Can

The other day I was walking through Target and I let myself do something that I haven't let myself do in a very long time.

I walked through the baby section.

At first, as I walked through I felt sad because I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to buy things from this section for myself and my baby.

And then I remembered... Oh yeah. I'm pregnant!

As I continued on through I really felt like an intruder. I felt like I was in trespassing and about to eat the forbidden fruit. I found myself glancing over my shoulder waiting for someone to tell me to get out because I obviously was not a mommy and not allowed. I felt like an intruder.

I reached out and was about to buy myself a plain pack of white onesies (gender neutral people) and I couldn't do it. I felt like I didn't deserve to buy something like that yet.

courtesy of google images

This pregnancy has not sunk in yet (despite the rapidly increasing morning sickness).

I don't feel like I belong in the pregnancy club.

But I don't feel like I belong in the infertility club either, anymore.

I feel like I am in a bit of a no man's land and I am hoping I find where I fit soon.

Both Sides Now

First, I want to thank all of you so much for all the love and support I've gotten over the last few days. I am truly overwhelmed and grateful to share my story with all of you.

For the last few days I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want to handle this pregnancy here on the blog. I want to handle it with sensitivity and I also want to rejoice and celebrate this time in my life.

Let's be honest here, there is a gushing pregnant woman inside me dying to get out. I want to celebrate this time in my life and be able to document the milestones of my pregnancy. And I feel like I deserve that. I worked for this pregnancy. I poured my heart and soul into the process of getting here and I earned it. I do not want to ignore that and I do not think I should have to.

At the same time, I know how much of a blow positive pregnancy tests are to all of you who are still in the trenches. I know how it makes you ache and ask 'why not me?' Even when it is someone who deserves that BFP it is still a hard blow. I know that. It is something that I struggled with for almost two years.

And I will be a little more honest here.... I have a bit of survivors guilt. I feel a little guilty that I got here when all of you wonderful women are still fighting to get here. I wish I could express how much I want this for all of you.

I also want to keep this blog true to what it started as. It started out as a way to document my journey with infertility and to parenthood. At it's core this blog is about infertility and the struggles that go along with it and while I want to recognize and revel in my pregnancy I do not want to forget my roots.

So, please, bear with me as I struggle to find the right line between pregnancy and the last two years that brought me to this moment.