Baby Mine

Just ONE lil nug in there!!!

We saw AND heard the heartbeat and the Doctor said everything looks perfect!!! :)

I go in two weeks from now for one more ultrasound to make sure we're still right on track and then I'm released to a regular OB.

My Give a Damn's Busted

I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and E2 bloodwork this morning. I also had them check on my thyroid because I have been really feeling sluggish lately and I just felt like my thyroid must be really off. So my thyroid medication will be increased.

Follicle wise I have a 13, a 12 and an 11 (and for those that don't know, we want the follicles on the ovaries to be at an 18 before it should release an egg and they should grow about 2 mm a day if not more with the injections). Soooo, basically, we've got three potential eggs going on again even with the reduced follistim.

My E2 came back fine but just like I guessed my thyroid wasn't in a normal range. I am so glad that I had them check on that because it's so important to have normal thyroid levels when TTC and in pregnancy.

Because it's Thursday I am to do another dose of the 75 iu's of follistim tomorrow night and then do my trigger shots Sunday night. Because I have been responding so well to this cocktail of meds I don't even have to go in for another ultrasound. I am welcome to, of course, and can go in on Saturday or Sunday but Dr. Baby is comfortable having me continue as is without another ultrasound and bloodwork.

Something hit me last night... this cycle I am completely apathetic. I am making all the right moves and taking all the correct meds and doing my shots when I need to and following all the 'rules'. But... I just don't care. I literally wasn't worried about this morning's ultrasound. I mean, I was glad I didn't get bad news, but I wasn't excited like I have been in past cycles. I have been very 'eh' about it all.

I am not full of hope and optimism for this cycle and have in fact counted out the days to make sure that I can cycle in December and that Christmas will not interfere with me cycling. And I am good on that count. I can cycle in December without any interference from the Holidays.

I don't know if I am subconsciously protecting myself from the heartbreak of last cycle. I probably am. Because let's face it... I'm still recovering from that horrible let down and the complete idiocy I let my mind take me to.

Good news about being so apathetic is that I've barely been paying attention or obsessing at all. I've barely been able to keep track of my cycle days and had to set alarms on my phone to remind me when to do my injections and take my pills.

Hopefully, this bodes well for the two week wait. I hope that I remain sane through it all.

Overall, I did get good news today. I am just trying to find that place within where I give a damn.

We'll see what We See

My cycle day 10 ultrasound follicle check and E2 bloodwork is in the morning.

My ovaries have been feeling achy but I am still nervous to find out what is going on in there!!

I'm Still Standing

First, I want to thank everyone for their lovely comments, support and love. It truly means the world to me. I am so thankful to share my journey with so many of you.

Second, the new cycle is officially underway! I went and had my cd 2 ultrasound the other day and all is quiet on the western front. No cysts. I did, however, get a small parade of nurses in my exam room to tell me how sorry and absolutely shocked they were that I wasn't pregnant. It was very sweet of them but I was still a bit fragile and had a hard time not just sobbing while sitting there naked from the waist down.

Sadly this is a common struggle in my life. Doesn't everyone have trouble not crying with their pants off in semi-public places?!

No? Just me? Hmmm.

Well, moving on, they are changing up my protocol just a bit this month. I am on femara days 3-7 and they are lowering my follistim dosage to 75 iu's on days 5, 7, and 9. I was a little disappointed about that. I know that my cycle was almost cancelled because of too many follicles but dangit, I want to try with three follicles again!!! Oh well. We shall see what we see at the cycle day 10 ultrasound.

The good news is that I should be all triggered and sexy time completed before Thanksgiving. We are headed to Boston on the 24th-30th to spend the Holiday with my Dad, Aunts, Cousins, and my hilarious 93 year old Grandmother. My husband hasn't met my extended family yet so it should be fun. We're praying for snow!!

The side benefit of this is that the trip falls in my two week wait which should keep me nicely distracted. And when we get back there is my favorite thing of all: Christmas decorating with my handsome husband! It's our favorite time of year and we love decorating our house. We make a day of it and have so much fun. So I really think this two week wait is going to go a bit smoother and I am really happy about that.

In other news, there are some changes in the wind for this lil blog!! A redesign is just getting started and we're even getting a new title! Because, let's face it, Sarah Q is kinda lame.

So get ready to see those changes coming soon to a blog near you.

Come What May

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse yesterday and got my E2 results and further instructions.

My E2 was 94.7. And apparently I have a few more follicles going on than the nurse told me during the ultrasound. Along with the 14 and 2 12'2 I also had an 11 and a couple 10's thrown in there as well.

Dr. Baby's nurse told me that if I have more than three follicles my cycle is cancelled or we can do a last minute IVF. WHAAAAT!?!?! We are so NOT prepared to jump to IVF... that is a huge leap for us, physically and financially. Even with three follicles they are not thrilled with letting me go forward... they will let me but it comes with a huge warning of multiples.

Dr. Baby's verdict: I am having a 'robust response'. Again... WHAAAAAT!?!?

Here I was disappointed because I thought I wasn't responding well and there my ovaries go over-producing. I can't keep up!!!

Honestly, when I got this call yesterday I was just... shell shocked. I didn't know what to think... I wondered around Target in a daze and all of a sudden I was questioning everything...

Can I REALLY do this? Can I really be a mom, let alone a good mom? What about a mom to MULTIPLES!?!? Let me tell you.. I was FUH-REAKING OUT.

Thankfully, my husband was just so matter of fact about it all that I calmed right down. He's just so... 'yeah of course you'll be a good mom.' Like there was never a question about it all. He has confidence in me.

Anyway, this evening I did one more injection of 100 iu's of follistim per Dr's orders and tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and bloodwork to see what is going on with these crazy ovaries.

I can't believe that I am sitting here praying for less follicles to grow!!

We are all on Drugs

So... today was my cycle day 10 check. We needed to see what those ovaries are doing on the femara and follistim combination.

Official results:

1 follicle measuring at 14
2 follicles measuring at 12

So... not AMAZING. But not awful. I am waiting to hear from Dr. Baby's nurse about my E2 levels. I know that I am going to need a few more days of stimming with the follistim but I don't know the doses or days until I get that call later today.

They said that the 14 is the one to watch but I am hoping that those 12's grow, too and give me those 3 follicles I've been hoping for...

So for now... we are all STILL on drugs.

Where do we go from here?

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be... "

Bonus points for you if you recognize that great song and even greater movie!

My appointment this morning did not go well. My follicles have barely grown. 12.5 is the biggest. So in the last 4 days it should have grown at least 8 mm (ideally) and it grew.... 3.

Way to go dumb ass ovary!

Worse... my lining has gotten thinner. It wasn't where it needed to be last Thursday and now it's shrinking!?! I don't even know what to do with that information. My lining has never been an issue (that I know of) and I have no clue how to fix it or what it means for all this....

I am... everything. I am hurting.

But more than that... I am FREAKING PISSED OFF!!

I mean, SERIOUSLY,  what more do you want from me, Ovaries!?!? What you're doing is really EFFED up! Those eggs are mine, not yours!

STOP HOARDING AND BEING SO SELFISH!!!!

I have officially cracked up. Because that little rant was actually what I was yelling (yes, literally yelling) at my ovaries as I drove away from the clinic this morning.

Infertility has driven me to the brink.

So now I wait (what?!? WAITING! Where have I heard that before!?!?).

Dr. Baby's nurses will call me this afternoon with blood test results and instructions.
Margarita anyone?!?

18 mm Forward 9.5 mm Back

Yesterday was my cycle day 11 follicle check ultrasound. I wasn't very worried about it since last month went so well. There were moments when I thought about the possibility of things not going as well as last month but I mostly discounted those moments as paranoia.

Going into my appointment I was just recovering from a 2 day migraine. I was tired and sluggish and really just wanted to get in and out of there so I could go back home and crawl in bed. Thank goodness for the blood draw lady (phlebotomist?) at Dr. Baby's office. She makes me laugh every time.

I knew things weren't awesome during my ultrasound when the nurse was so quiet and kept rearranging the wand to get a better view of my ovaries. And when she announced that my uterine lining wasn't exactly where they wanted it to be. They wanted it to be over 7 and it was a little over 6. Not awful... just not awesome.

My biggest follicle was 9.5 mm. Last month on cycle day 11 I had a 12 mm follicle that became an 18 mm follicle by cycle day 14 allowing me to trigger on cycle day 15.

I left the appointment really discouraged. I wasn't devastated. Just kind of... morose. I decided to indulge in some retail therapy while I waited for the call from Dr. Baby with the game plan. And when I say retail therapy, I mean SERIOUS retail therapy.

Good news is that I distracted myself pretty well and actually got started on Christmas shopping. I also decided on some projects that I am going to start so I can make some presents. I figure that these projects will keep me busy and nicely distracted from worrying about my follicles.

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse and I go back on Monday for a re-check ultrasound. Until then, Dr. Baby has given me strict instructions to relax and take it easy this weekend because stress can delay ovulation and follicle growth.

So I will try and go forth into this weekend with the plan of relaxation, no stress and maybe a pedicure.

I also may or may not have bought a few pounds of raspberries to scarf down.

Aren't they pretty?!

Monday will come soon enough and I will find out the fate of this cycle.

And hopefully I won't have to give these stubborn ovaries a swift kick in the ass!

Counting Your Eggs

I haven't updated in a while. I've had so much going through my mind. I've had several blog post ideas running through my mind but haven't figured out how I want to write about them. I've had the ideas but my writing has been... stagnant, I guess.

We are more than halfway through our first cycle with Dr. Baby. I started the femara on cycle day three and took it through cycle day 7. The only side effects I had while on the femara were headaches. They got pretty bad but compared to the side effects of the clomid the femara was a piece of cake.

I went in on cycle day 11 for my first follicle check ultrasound and bloodwork. I was really excited that it landed on a Monday because my Husband was able to go with me. It was the first appointment he's been able to go to with me since we lived in Phoenix. Well, we went into the ultrasound and I had a few small follicles on my left ovary and a bigger one on my right. 12 mm. I was so excited! That is the biggest follicle I have ever had. Real progress for the first time! We went home and told to come back on cycle day 14 for another ultrasound to see if the 12 mm follicle had grown to 18.

Initially, I was so excited about a follicle that had grown at all but as the hours went on I started freaking myself out. I read too much on the internet and convinced myself that my follicle would stop growing. I got some good advice from SIF to eat some raspberries. I immediately called my husband and made him stop at the store on his way home from work. I ate so many raspberries over the course of the next three days. They were actually quite delicious.

We went in for my next check and my husband was able to come with me again, which was great, because I was so, so nervous. Immediately, she went to my right ovary and the 12 mm follicle became an 18!!!! I was so overwhelmed and excited I just started crying right there on the table, feet still in the stirrups and all. No other follicles grew, but all we need is one!! The poor ultrasound tech kept trying to get my to stop crying. As soon as she left the room all I could do was look at my husband and whimper through the tears 'It was the raspberries!!'

So thanks for that, SIF! :)

I took my trigger shots Friday night (cycle day 15) and they were a little painful but not bad. It was definitely different using a syringe on myself. The excitement of actual ovulation overshadowed any pain or discomfort. After the shots the whole weekend was spent relaxing and gettin' busy. :)

Right now we are in a holding pattern. We are officially in the two week wait. It truly is the longest two weeks ever. I have an appointment this Friday for more bloodwork to make sure that I did in fact ovulate.

I am a little overwhelmed. I can't believe for the first time in 3 years I just ovulated. Just the thought of it is so exciting! Which makes me feel a little ridiculous. Most women ovulate every single month and for me it is a huge momentous occasion!

My husband is convinced that if I ovulated I am definitely pregnant. I keep telling him not to count my eggs before they're hatched.

But I can't help but count them secretly along with him.