20 Weeks and More

This week I hit the 20 week mark.

I am humbled and amazed to be at this point. It seems like the time has just sailed by and it's making me realize that this second half will, too.

I never, ever thought that I would just coast through a pregnancy like this. I truly expected for there to be problems with this pregnancy to worry and stress over. Partly because of my mother's history of miscarriages and partly because I think, as an infertile woman, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my body to fail me yet again.

But... it didn't. I am here. There hasn't been one thing to be concerned about at all. No spotting, no unusual cramping, nothing. I am truly amazed and humbled at my good fortune.

I've also managed to stay pretty calm. I haven't freaked out at the slightest twinges or aches and pains. I've taken everything in stride.

I think my husband is a little shocked by that.

This pregnancy has been easy for the most part but their have been some rough moments. Physically your body goes through so many changes and even when you know about them beforehand, when it's happening to you, it can be a little rough. I'm thankful for each moment but I'm even more thankful to be past the puking multiple times a day moments!!

I think that I've been shying away from blogging because I'm scared of the judgment. When I was going through treatment all the misconceptions and judgments about what I was doing and how far I was willing to go for a baby hurt me. A lot. I was hurt when family members wouldn't acknowledge it or would make offhand comments invalidating what we were going through and I was hurt by people's ignorance. And shocked.

Now, I find that there is no judgment like there is for a pregnant woman and as a parent. It's especially evident on the internet. People will spew the nastiest comments towards anyone they think isn't doing a good job as a parent (for example, the breastfeeding vs. formula debate) whether their child is born or not. I am astounded at the audacity of people. It has made me nervous to be completely honest about how I feel, the things I do, and how I plan on raising my child.

It has all made me a shy blogger when I wasn't before.

I'm also worried about being judged by my fellow infertiles.

Because, you know what? I DID post my pee stick on Facebook. And I DO put ultrasound pictures up. And I DO talk about being pregnant. I try to be careful not to do it constantly but it is my life and this is what is happening in it right now. And I posted those pictures because I spent two years being jealous of those pictures and it felt like a right of passage.

A right of passage that I'd been longing for. So, no, I didn't deny myself those small pleasures. I felt like I earned them.

A few months ago I read a blog post by someone (I can't remember who now) absolutely blasting women who did these things, calling them stupid and lame. I read on Twitter all the time posts against doing these things. The bitterness is actually a little scary. I was kind of shocked when I first saw things like this.

I remember all too well being hurt when people made pregnancy announcements. I would take time to rail and rant and ask 'Why not me?'. But I think I was only truly angry about them when it was someone who I thought would not be a good parent (yeah, I know, judgmental. We all do it). When I saw someone who was abusive or neglectful fall pregnant... that was so much harder.

But when did this community get to a place where women rail against other women who are proud and excited to become mommies?

It bothers me. It always has.

Does it absolutely suck that some women and couples get pregnant with no problems and some of us struggle and go through unbelievable heartbreak? Yes. It does. Unquestionably.

But shouldn't we be thankful and glad at the same time that these babies are being welcomed into a home that is filled with such love and excitement at their arrival?

My best friend in the world happens to be one of the most fertile women on the planet. She's 39 weeks with her second son right now and both times she tried to get pregnant it happened on the first month. Let me tell you, I was and am jealous of her reproductive organs. (She's also skinny and gorgeous... hello salt on an open wound).

When she called me and told me she was pregnant last August it was hard. Really hard. She knew how hard it would be for me. She had been by my side through everything, which is why she called me before posting it on Facebook. I fought back my tears as I congratulated her. And when I got off the phone I cried like I had never cried before. Not because I wasn't happy for her but because I was sad for myself. My heart broke that night because I wanted what she had so much.

At the same time, I never begrudged her right to post about pregnancy and put up those ultrasound pictures because I know what a great and wonderful mommy she is. I could feel her excitement and love for that baby with every post. And it made me so happy to see her family growing.

All this to say that all these feelings and being scared of judgment has turned me into a shy and infrequent blogger. But no more. I am here and these are my feelings and life. I may lose followers (I actually already have lost many... there really is something to it when people get pregnant after a struggle... the support, the love, and the commenting go away for the most part. It's kind of isolating.); but I am going to post how I feel.

Judgment be damned.

Makes Me Wonder

My Dad was just in town for a visit. 12 whole days.

It was a good visit but having a guest for that long... well, it's a long time!

I have mixed feelings right now. I am all over the place with how I feel. I've never had a great relationship with my Dad. It's been a lot of hurt and hope and disappointment.

I'm slowly but surely trying to find a way to trust that he is trying to have a relationship with me and not wall myself off. After 25 years of being let down... it's not that easy. But I'm trying.

The husband and I went to start our baby registry this last weekend and when we got back to the apartment I was talking to my Dad about all the things we need and how expensive they are.

He told me that he had $1000 set aside for the baby. That he wanted to buy the crib and mattress and crib bedding. He didn't want to just give us money because he wanted to feel like he was getting an actual gift for the baby.

I was shocked. I almost didn't even have anything to say and I finally stuttered out a thank you.

This is the man who once sent me the same DVD 3 years in a row for my birthday while getting my brother things like kayaks. (Ok, I swear I'm not jealous of my brother at all, or materialistic... I was just very hurt at the differences).

This is the man who once (many years ago) refused to lend me $50 when I was short on a bill because he wanted to give money to my brother to pay for his ski trip.

I never asked him for anything after that.

So when out of nowhere he made this announcement I was stunned. And I honestly did not know how to react.

He later told my husband privately that he'd really like us to get a video camera with the rest of the money so we could send him videos of the baby.

This made me cry.

And, yes, I am crying while I write this.

I, literally, don't know who this person is and I have no idea how to react to it at all.

Honestly, a tiny itty bitty part of me is wondering where this person was 28 years ago and why my birth wasn't as momentous. And, maybe I am a tiny bit jealous, too.

But the majority of me is happily stunned that this baby is already so loved and will get the chance at a relationship with my Dad that I never had.

I look forward to seeing how their relationship plays out.

And I find myself wondering if people really can change?

Jumbled

My mind is in a jumble.

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.

I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.

I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.

I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.

Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).

Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.