Not Falling Apart

Yesterday started out as a normal day.

I got up, took the husband to work so I could have the car for the day, headed to my doctor appointment, ran errands and came home.

Yesterday afternoon, though, it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. And my Dr. had a little trouble finding his heartbeat at my appointment that morning.

I did my best to remain calm. I really have not freaked out about anything since this pregnancy started. So I drank a large glass of orange juice and laid down on my side like they recommend to get the baby moving.

I laid down for an hour, switching sides, and nothing was happening. He wasn't moving at all.

Cue major freak out. I got in the car and started driving to my husband's office. I called him crying and told him what was happening and he had me call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me to head to the hospital.

I was pretty much hysterical. I got to my husband's office and we headed to the hospital.

They got me in pretty quickly and got me on the monitors. They found his heartbeat right away. They were showing me his movements on the monitors and I still couldn't feel him moving at all. They monitored him and me for a couple hours and in that time I only felt him once at the very end (and after a nurse came and started pressing on my belly) and according to the monitors he was moving constantly.

They did the ultrasound and apparently his back has turned to my belly and his hands and feet are facing my back making it more difficult for me to feel him move. My placenta also moved and is blocking some of his movements.

So, I'm not crazy. Or hormonal and over-reacting. Thank goodness.

I was so afraid I would go in and they would treat me like I was a hysterical, hormonal, crazy woman. But they didn't. They said I did all the right things by drinking the juice and lying down and when it didn't work, coming in. That made me feel so much better. I am so impressed by the staff at our hospital and I am now more happy than ever that we have chosen that hospital for this little man to be born at.

At the end of the night I was absolutely exhausted and could barely bring myself to drag myself into bed.

I am so thankful for my husband who was amazing through the whole thing and stayed very calm which calmed me down, too. He was just what I needed to keep me from going over the deep end (at least more than I already had). I love him and I am so grateful for him.

When it's all said and done, the little man is ok, perfect even, and although I was scared out of my mind for a few hours I will take that scare and the positive results over the alternative.

Now, I need no more scares for the next 7 1/2 weeks!!!!

Can't Fight this Feeling

I am angry. Very, very angry.

And annoyed and irritated and frustrated and overwhelmed.

And I probably shouldn't be blogging and sending all this negativity out but I'm going to do it anyway.

I am angry at this stupid effing disease. It is all SO UNFAIR. I am angry that it affects me and is tearing the chance to be a mommy away from me. I am angry that it affects my husband and takes away his chances for a baby together. I am angry that it affects friends of mine who deal with it, as well. I am really angry that it even exists.

I am angry that people, in an effort to be nice and supportive, say dumbass things that are actually condescending and hurtful. (and yes, that makes me sound really bitchy because they all mean well, but there it is)

I am so angry that people who don't love their children are able to have them and I am not. And yes, that's judgmental. Sue me. But I see so many people who are AWFUL to their children or constantly complain about them and that is all I want in the world. All I want is to be able to have a child. And all these people are able to and I am not. That makes me angry.

I only want one. Is that too much to ask!?!?!

I am angry and frustrated that I can't fix certain problems for my family. I feel powerless and overwhelmed that I am not there to help and that makes me feel awful.

And worried. I am worried. I am so worried about what my life will look like with no children. As I have stated before we do not feel like adoption is the way to go for us so if I don't get pregnant... that's it. I am worried about my ability to face that impending truth.

I am worried that I will never be able to let this go. And THAT makes me angry.

I am a ball of anger and negative emotion right now.

I don't know how to get out of this funk.

25 to Life

I am safely home from Boston. It was a good trip and I was excited to share that part of my childhood with my Husband. He loved Boston and I loved showing it to him.

The trip itself brought up a lot of emotions in me. I spent every summer in New England growing up visiting my Dad, Aunts, and Grandparents. My parents split up when I was three months old and when we were old enough my brothers and I spent a month of every summer there with our family.

For me, when a school year would end I was, of course, excited about summer vacation but it was more about seeing my Dad. I only saw him once or twice a year at the most and those summer visits were so looked forward to. Every year I went out with my hopes and excitement soaring and every year I was disappointed. My Dad just wasn't the man and the father that I had built up in my head. I always ended up being sorely disappointed and left heartbroken.

There are way too many issues and circumstances for me to go into here but let's just say that he seemed much more interested in time with my brothers and I was left with whatever relative was free. I so badly wanted a Daddy and I never got one. Even through my teenage years I fought for a relationship with him and it just never seemed to happen.

In hindsight, I still have a very hard time forgiving the unintentionally cruel things that he said to me without thinking. Words can cut deep and leave lasting scars. But, overall, I think that he just had no idea what to do with a daughter. With my brothers they could go fishing and all that fun boy stuff but with me... I wanted glitter and mermaids and he had no idea how to deal with that. So he left it up to his sister and his parents.

Finally, when I was 25 I decided I was done. I was done trying to be close with him and I worked at trying to accept that we would only have a very surface relationship with no real meat to it.

When I was 25 I got engaged. And of course, I told my Dad and begged him to walk me down the aisle. He reluctantly agreed.

My wedding came around when I was 26 and he walked me down that aisle and even danced with me at the reception (after my new husband decided to take matters into his own hands and just have the father daughter dance announced and trapped him into it).

After the wedding, something changed. My Dad started calling me a lot. He checked in about once a week to see how I was. It was a strange shift and I had a hard time with it. I had written him off, I no longer had it in me to try. And most of all I didn't want my heart broken anymore. But he stayed consistent. He kept calling and it felt like he really wanted to make an effort to be in my life. So I let myself hope one more time. Hoping that this wouldn't be a repeat performance. But he kept calling and making an effort.

While my husband and I were in Boston my Dad pulled out an old box of letters that my brothers and I had written him growing up. Some were funny, and most of mine were utter ridiculousness. But throughout them all there was a desperate tone. From all three of us there were desperate pleas that you could read between the lines. Sometimes it wasn't even between the lines... Outright questions.

"Where are you?"
"Where are you living?"
"When will we see you next?"
"Please don't forget that I love you."

All of us, at some point, wrote these words.

In one memorable, melodramatic moment my 10 year old self apologized for being born and being the cause of the divorce.

All I could think as I read these letters is that all of us were desperate for this man to love us. It honestly took me back to all those feelings and broke my heart all over again.

My husband reminded me that he was still trying and I shouldn't shut down. So I struggled not to.

And I ended up having a great visit with my Dad. We hung out, we went and saw the sights and we laughed together.

My husband pointed out that my Dad and I have the same ridiculous sense of humor. It was a revelation to me. I had never considered that I would have something in common with this man who I had chased after my whole life.

And all I could think was... we finally share something. We can laugh together.

It's not the relationship that I yearned for growing up and it's not a replacement for the years of broken hearts and tears because I didn't have a Daddy. But it is a place to start.

My Dad will never be someone I can go to with every hurt and he will never be the one to comfort me when I cry. But we can laugh together.

And that's something, isn't it?

Triple O!

I got my progesterone blood work done this morning. After waiting all day long I finally got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse.

My progesterone level is greater than 20. The lab that processes everything won't give a specific numbers if it is over 20. But the nurse said everything is looking excellent. She even mentioned that high progesterone levels can sometimes indicate pregnancy but since we don't have a number I shouldn't get too excited yet.

She also went over all my levels from earlier in the cycle and every level is better than the last cycle I ovulated in.

Basically, I ovulated all three of those eggs!!

But she said one thing that had me tearing up:

"Your body is doing everything it needs to in order to sustain a pregnancy."

At that I burst into tears. It's one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

As for any symptoms, I have a few but I am reluctant to think they're pregnancy symptoms yet. I've been a bit tired and had touches of slight nausea yesterday morning and this morning. The two meals I've had today (chick fil a and chipotle... I know both awful) were terrible! They did not taste ok. And they are both places that I love a lot. So that was strange. We can also say I've been a bit emotional the last couple days.

So there are a few signs that could or could not be pregnancy.

I guess we will just have to wait and see!!!

Trouble Sleeping

I talked to my Doctor's office last Friday. I updated them on everything that was going on. Which is A LOT. Last week I had my bloodwork for my thyroid done. It has FINALLY shown up that it is underactive (which we have suspected for years) and I am finally on medicine. Levoxyl. I was excited about that. It's been a really long time coming. But the pregnancy test came back negative. Disappointed. I was due to start around last Wednesday. Or so I thought. I have never had regular cycles so I wasn't too sure. But I got the positive OPK on February 7 (CD12) so I thought surely I would start on my own this month. Not happening.

Anyway, my Dr. told me to wait til CD35 (today) to take a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE. I have been cramping so badly for the last week. Which isn't abnormal when I am actually on my period. I have always had bad cramps. But I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED. I am getting frustrated. When other women are on clomid a single cycle is usually around 28-30 days (I realize there are exceptions). But for me a single cycle is usually 50-60 days. I hate the whole process. Wait and wait. Get your hopes up. Test. Test. Test. Negative. Progesterone for 5 days. Another 4 days til you actually start and another 3 days until you start the new round of clomid. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!

Last night the cramps were so bad they woke me up around 3 am and I was worried about waking up my husband so I literally walked around my house in the dark wimpering. I didn't get back in bed til his alarm went off.

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY!!!!

I am in a very why me?!!? sort of mood right now. Maybe it has to do with the baby shower invite I got and having to go through registries to pick a gift out for my friend's baby girl.

I am getting really emotional right now. I know I should be thankful for all the wonderful in my life (and I swear on most days I am) it's just... I don't even know. I have that impending doom feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe its realizing that by the time I get through all the progesterone hoopla and actually start the clomid I will be taking it while my stepkids, in laws and my mother are here.

I am so full of anger, frustration, self pity, and fear right now. There is a huge part of me that is just simply terrified that I will never be pregnant and have a baby.

You know... I think I need some chocolate.

The Point of No Return

I am nearing the end of my second round of Clomid! Today is day four and then tomorrow and then its hormone free (hopefully) for a few days.

Last month I basically had no side effects. It was great and I was strangely proud of myself for being stronger than all these hormones I was pumping into my body. I felt like super woman! Then they doubled my dose.

Oh, man. Friday was day one and I didn't have alot planned. That said, I DEFINITELY didn't plan on sitting on the couch and crying my eyes out for 30 minutes for absolutely no reason except I had remembered when George's dad died on Grey's. I mean, REALLY sad episode but it didn't deserve tears a few years later. So I decided to forewarn my husband. I texted him and let him know of my emotional breakdown and told him that I needed him to be careful with me. He said OK and I just felt so relieved... crisis averted!

Not so much.

I had thought he would be coming home early on Friday and I was really excited to see him and spend some time with him. Instead he decided to go to a work function that he had previously not wanted to go to. So I said OK, go. I wasn't happy about it but I recognized that I wasn't reacting rationally and he works hard and of course he should go and enjoy the benefits of that. Unfortunately for both of us I was under the impression that he was only going for an hour or two. Yeah. As time passed, I sat in the living room not able to concentrate on anything except how angry I was! All I could think was that he had abandoned me in my time of need and he would rather have all this fun with his co-workers and not me. And then... the most evil of all.... Tiffany. The girl who has a thing for my husband at work. I pictured him, the innocent lamb, playing skee-ball with his work buddies and her lurking, always ready to give him a high five or a hug for a particularly high score... As my rage grew, I knew he was out having a blast, WITHOUT ME, with Tiffany hanging all over him....

I snapped.

Now, normally, I am not a completely crazy person (sometimes a touch of crazy but never completely). I have known about Tiffany for a long time and I think she is completely inappropriate and I don't want my husband around her but I trust him without one tiny little doubt in my heart. I will say that I don't trust HER (I mean really, what single woman invites a married man to stay with her when his wife is across the country?!?). And I'm just going to say it... I've met her and if we're going to compare looks, I really don't have anything to worry about. So all of this... CLOMID.

I finally talked to him on the phone and I just spewed five hours of angry and pity party all over my poor husband. Yes, he should've called and let me know he was going to be later than we thought, which he immediately apologized for. Did that stop me?!!? NOOOOO. The point of no return. I could not stop. I was crying hysterically and hurling accusations at him like a wild woman.

Needless to say he didn't take it well. The decision was made to leave it til morning. After he went to bed I stayed up, completely spent and not understanding my emotions. A little talk with one of my best friends calmed me down and I determined to do better the next day and to apologize to my husband. I also got a great recommendation from another friend on a couple books that help you understand the opposite sex better... I decided I would go out early, pick them up and then sit down and apologize and try to explain the whole thing to my husband.

Well, I didn't make it out of the house before he got up. We talked for a long time, apologies were made and he came with me to get the books. I came home and read them both, cover to cover. I thought the worst had passed...

Nope.

Saturday night, low and behold, all these emotions are just raging inside me. Then I read this message board about how having PCOS makes you 50% more likely to get certain kinds of cancer. 50%!!!!! I freaked out... I was so scared. So I cried and cried and cried and cried. Could. not. stop.

I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling... How I felt so broken, and like everything was all my fault and I was so sorry that he was stuck with this barren, infertile woman. Finally I took some benadryl so I could sleep. I was sick of myself at this point so I can only imagine what my husband was feeling.

Finally, blessed sleep.

Strangely enough, Sunday I was fine. I got a little extra annoyed a few times but I did my best to contain it. I also decided to take control of my life a little bit. I made a schedule for myself. If I am going to be a housewife and a stay at home mom I am going to be the best that I can possibly be. Now I know what chores I am going to get done everyday of the week and I am going to do my best to do Yoga everyday. And there will be dinner on the table every weekday at 7:30. Sounds like 1952, right?!?! I know. My old independent party girl self would be so ashamed. But I guess I am more traditional than I ever thought. I like to take care of my husband and for the most part, I really enjoy cooking (I'm not half bad either). I don't LOVE cleaning but I do enjoy having a clean, neat house. It's just easier to breathe.

That brings us to today... I am feeling fine today. I haven't gotten much done but I am feeling very ambitious today. I will conquer the world today! Well, if not the world, then at the very least my messy living room.