I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.
I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.
I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.
I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.
Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).
Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.
