Storms Brewing

I have been out of town (actually still in chilly, chilly Boston) and have had very limited internet access so I have not had the chance to update here or anywhere, really.

There are things that I need to say and will be saying here soon when I have the time and the space to get emotional. I just don't have that freedom right now while still on vacation visiting the family.

Our vacation has been fun and eventful and the Husband has greatly enjoyed New England and today got the fun experience of hitting up the Freedom Trail and soaking in some history, which he really, really loves.

I have enjoyed showing him my favorite childhood spots from my summer vacations here to see family.

As for the two week wait... It has barely registered with me. We have been so busy having fun and spending time with family that I have barely noticed the days slipping by. For that I am truly thankful.

I will be home in a few days and will be able to really get into the thoughts that have been swirling lately.

The Fat Lady Sang

It's over. The cycle that could officially ended this morning.

These last few days I had a feeling it would. The cramping I was feeling was just too familiar. So these last few days when it's really hit me that this wasn't working I've been crying my heart out. On the floor of the bathroom sobbing.

So this morning when I got up and I hadn't started I felt a tiny bloom of hope because if I was going to start today would be the day officially confirming that I consistently have a 16 day luteal phase.

So to start while I was peeing on a pregnancy test... I can only assume that Mother Nature is one HUGE effing bitch.

To top it all off I have come to realize that I am one of those women who invent pregnancy symptoms and convinces herself she's knocked up. Yep, I'm that kind of special crazy.

So tomorrow I will think about a new cycle. Today I will, once again, grieve for what I never had.

Keeping the Faith

Thought I would do a quick little update.

Things are still pretty much the same here... symptoms galore and still no positive. I'm still not late, though. Today is cycle day 28 so I should be due tomorrow.

Until then I remain hopeful and I am still keeping the faith!

I hope to share some good news with you all soon!!

The Closer I Get

The crazier I get.

I started this two week wait determined to stay sane and happy and distracted. Well. That did NOT happen.

I spent the first week on the couch nursing my sex injury. So the first week went by pretty fast and easy.

This second week... well not so much. I was ok until yesterday when I decided to test even though I knew it was too early and I was bound to be disappointed. And I was. Big freaking negative.

I was really upset.

Until I drove my husband to work and almost threw up in the car. He works barely ten minutes from our apartment and I barely made it back in the house before I ran for the bathroom and threw up. I puked for the first time in over a year and a half.

Thankfully, I only had cranberry juice in my stomach. And, sadly, after many years on the club scene this is NOT the first time that I have thrown up cranberry juice.

And just like that I was back in the game. I was so excited that I puked!! The nausea lasted a few more hours but didn't throw up again.

So far my symptoms have been sore boobs, heartburn, a lot of difficulty sleeping, exhaustion, you can see the veins in my boobs like crazy (I know... not sexy at all), and now nausea and puking. Oh, and my sense of smell seems to be a bit more sensitive.

Today, I felt ok for most of the day until about ten minutes ago... the nausea hit and I frantically jammed about 5 mints in my mouth hoping that it helps. So far not so much luck with that.

So, I am still waiting. And yes I still have hope but why the HELL can't I be one of those women who gets a really early positive?

That would really make this so much easier for me.

Waiting on You

So now that I survived (barely) the weekend of baby making (and yes I did survive! I am still kind of stuck on the couch with this neck shoulder thing going on, though) I have been planning on how I was going to survive the two week wait.

I dread the two week wait... I dread it and I want it at the same time. Because the two week wait means that I have something to hope for... it means there is a chance that in a few long ass short weeks all my dreams may come true. This two week wait is even more... everything, because I feel like our chances are so high this month.

One of the things that I do love so much about this time is dreaming about the possibilities with my husband. Out of nowhere one of us will start spouting off possible names and vetoing each other and laughing about what we hope so badly is soon to come! That's the fun part.

The other parts... not so much.

Originally, my plan was to just pretend that I wasn't in the two week wait. Hmmmm. I wonder how that will go for me.

My other plan is to cook and bake and try a bunch of new recipes I've been planning on trying for awhile. And that is a plan I can get behind.

A few weeks ago I made a joke about baking my way through Infertility... end result... huge ass. And the more I thought about it, I thought why not? Why not add a little something else to this little 'ol blog and keep myself busy at the same time? So that is what I will do.

Last year my husband got me a cookie jar for Valentine's Day.

This cookie jar is more than just a cookie jar. It's personalized and on it all our hopes and dreams are clearly displayed. One of my greatest fears is that this special gift will always be a reminder of what my body cannot achieve.

But for the next two weeks I am going to be filling this jar up with sweet treats and goodies just like I hope my belly is filling with our dreams for the future.

Through the Fire

I always thought my mom was being a little dramatic about her hot flashes when she was going through menopause... I am now officially apologizing. These hot flashes are a BITCH!!! I can barely even sleep in the same bed as my husband (although to be honest I have always had a hard time sharing my tiny queen size bed). I have always been overly cold all the time (due to my thyroid issues) so I really go everywhere prepared to be cold. Even during the summer... and I live in Phoenix. These hot flashes really took me by surprise. I am sure I look like a maniac running through the aisles of the grocery store ripping my hoodie off. They seem to happen a little less now and I hope they are going away. Damn Clomid (I didn't mean that, clomid! I still love you especially if you help me get pregnant!:)).

So, officially, as the first time I have definitely ovulated in years it is, of course, obvious that I am now obsessing over every tiny thing I feel hoping its my little bundle.

I have had a backache since last Tuesday... lower back like I get right before I start my period. It does seem to be less intense now. I have also had cramps.. again like my period is about to start. They started Friday and went through Sunday. They were most intense early Sunday morning (they woke me up). I have never had cramps like that except when I was on my period. I was CONVINCED I was starting really early (although that would be strange since most of mine have to be chemically induced) and kept going to the bathroom to check. Nothing.

Friday I started feeling nauseous. My husband wanted pizza for dinner, which I usually LOVE (means I don't have to cook!) and I went online to order from this new place he wanted to try and immediately started gagging when I just SAW the pictures of the pizza. I couldn't eat it, either. I could barely stay in the room with him while he ate. I ended up getting nuggets from McDonalds. I usually hate McDonalds and only go when we have the kids and I am forced into it. Weird. I felt nauseous on Saturday when we drove past KFC with the windows down but then that's what I really really wanted for dinner.

On Sunday I was good most of the day, I felt a little sick to my stomach before we went to dinner but then I was fine the rest of the night. Yesterday, however... VERY nauseous. So I had some Godiva chocolate cheesecake for breakfast. It was delicious. But then the nausea came back and I ended up laying down for a nap. We went grocery shopping later and even walking down some aisles in Sam's I was gagging (the huge containers of mayo and ranch really looked gross). My husband made gourmet bacon cheeseburgers on the grill... just about my favorite food ever. They were huge but one did not fill me up so I said what the hell and went for two... Halfway through I guess my stomach decided it didn't like bacon as much as it had 10 minutes before and I almost threw up. I felt sick the rest of the night.

I've had a few touches of heartburn. That really sucks. And I am convinced my nipples are darker. Husband took a picture of them last night so we can compare daily. Ha. I've had a few shooting pains in my boobs, too. Which is strange, my boobs never hurt. At all. EVER. In fact, they're almost numb. Even when they're touched I can barely feel it. It's a real letdown for my husband.

The only other major thing I am feeling is little pin pricks every now and then in my uterus area. And when I stretch it feels like I pulled something in my uterus. I am praying so hard that means I am pregnant! I have been stalking twoweekwait.com and reading other women's symptoms. I have a lot that other women do, too. But I am terrified that it is all in my head. Sunday I was CONVINCED that I was pregnant. Now I am convinced I am not but wishing I was. I've had these really vivid dreams about positive pregnancy tests. I hope that means something good.

In other non-baby related news.... the Husband did an AMAZING job on Valentine's Day. I got an engraved picture frame, a cookie jar (that says Quincey Family Cookies), a cookbook of all cookie recipes and a personalized card. :) Then he took me to see Valentine's Day (it was really good) and then to dinner at PF Chang's. Oh. And dessert from Cheesecake Factory. All in all, amazing day. He got the good lovin' that night! :D

I am working on not being stressed and just hoping this is it! In the meantime, I am preparing to have my step kids for Spring Break. And my mother... and my In-Laws. It's going to be a packed house. 7 people.... three beds. Should be interesting! :)