Don't Stop Believing

Yesterday was the big day! We had our appointment at the FC (Fertility Clinic). It did not start off well. Our Dr. was an hour and a half late. My husband... not so happy since he was missing work. But he agreed to stay and wait because he knew I was so anxious and did not want to reschedule.

Finally Dr. Ovulation showed up and we went into our consultation. We went over everything that's wrong with me (nice, extensive list) and the things possibly wrong with the husband (short and sweet list). And went over all our options.

Treatment plan as follows:

Lots of bloodwork for me (done today). Glucose test for me (done today... it completely sucked). Provera to kick start my period (wooo). And then the wonderful HSG. And of course, the ever present transvaginal ultrasound. And my lovely husband gets the sperm analysis done next Monday (lucky... he gets to have fun in a cup and I have every invasive procedure there is. jerk).

He also took me off metformin because I have been consistently getting so nauseated and throwing up almost every afternoon on it and he didn't think me feeling like absolute crap was worth it. And even though I only have about two measly diet sodas a week with caffeine he's making me give it up completely. BOO. I really wish he'd make my husband give up something... He needs to make some sacrifices, damnit!!!!

He did an exam yesterday and I don't know if it's because he's a man (and I've never been to a male gyn til now) and I was a little nervous or what, but that exam was so UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, I realize, not a walk in the park on a sunny spring day but holy hell!! I've never hated a speculum as much as I did yesterday. And that's really saying something!!

But I am excited for progress! We are having all our tests done this cycle and we're not starting to try and make me ovulate until next cycle because I am going out of town (back to Texas) for some weddings in three weeks. I'm a little annoyed that my trip is holding things up, but oh well. At least I'll be able to drink at this wedding! Woo hoo! :D

Anyway, Dr. O said he's confident he can make me ovulate. No question. Hence his name: Dr. Ovulation. So depending on how the S/A works out he feels confident that we're in business! I'm so thankful we came to him. We're still going on the 150 mg clomid but if it doesn't work he's having me do more than one dose of clomid in a cycle and possibly using trigger shots. We shall see. I am very glad that I have more options other than "Hey you. Sit and wait." Because I am sick and tired of waiting. It's my turn!!!

Oh, and Cinderella? I know you said miracles take a little time, but could I borrow your fairy godmother? Because she really seemed to know her stuff.

I'm Alright

I am full of conflicting feelings. I am excited, motivated, crushed, determined, terrified, hurt and hopeful.

Last Thursday was my follicle check ultrasound. I went in nervous and trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I had no mature follicles. Again. I was devastated. The technician brought one of the doctors in to talk to me. My regular doctor wasn't available so I got someone different. He told me that this cycle is a bust. We talked about my cycle last month and he told me that although I got the LH surge I definitely did not release an egg, otherwise I would have gotten my period naturally. He told me to wait about 25 days, take a pregnancy test and if negative start the 5 day dose of provera. He wrote me a prescription for 150 mg of clomid for next month. I left, called my husband and cried in my car.

Earlier in the month at my last appointment with Dr. Amazing she had told me that she wanted me to go to a fertility clinic if this cycle didn't work. But now I had a choice. I could do one more round of clomid with them on the highest dose or I could just head to the clinic. I was so torn. I had already called the clinic I had chosen just in case the day before. I spent all day thinking about the options. I ended up calling the clinic again and getting the new patient paperwork just in case.

When my husband got home from work we sat down to discuss all our options. He surprised me. All along I have felt that I was willing to go further in this fertility process than he was. He had a moral dilemma about 'manufacturing' babies and how far was too far. He also felt like if God wanted us to have a baby then we would. I felt like if we were trying to have a designer baby or cloning someone then that would be too far. He sat down in front of me and told me how he had really been thinking about all our options. He said that he wanted to have a baby with me so badly that he was willing to do whatever was possible to make it happen.

On the one hand, I knew this. But it was so nice to hear. He thinks I'll be a good mom and that means the world to me. So, the decision was made.

We're going to the Fertility Clinic!!

I feel so good about this decision! We sat down and did all 23 pages of patient history. Well, I did 21 pages, he did 2. I faxed them to the clinic on Friday and yesterday we set our appointment. Monday April 5, 10 AM. I am so ready. But I am nervous at the same time. We also got our new Doctor's name and I looked him up and he's been named one of the top infertility doctors in our city. I am excited and anxious to get to that appointment and see what he has to say.

In clomid news, the side effects keep coming. Even though this cycle is a bust I still took my full dose and so I get to enjoy these lovely hot flashes for a few more weeks.

So until next week I am being the most amazing housewife imaginable! I am baking and cleaning and cooking and folding and running errands. And watching Days of Our Lives. I mean if there is anything in this world to take your mind off your own drama, it's a soap opera!!

Everything I do I do it for You

I just got home from my latest Dr. appt and I am actually excited about this fertility process again. I love my Dr so much! Seriously, if it wouldn't be really wierd and creepy I would try and become her best friend. I really would. She gives me such hope and she's proactive about things and I really really feel like she's rooting for me. I love that.

But the good news is... she put me on Metformin! I am so excited (despite the GI side effects... ew). She said it should really help me lose weight (which has honestly been such an exercise in frustration) and help get me regulated and we're still sticking with the clomid. She seems really confident about this combination for me. Plus, of course I am still on the thyroid meds, as well. Man... I am turning into a one woman pharmacy! And I am so ok with that... as long as it gets me where I am going. So, next cycle... BRING IT ON! I am ready for this. I also ordered some preseed. And I am taking my husband to the sex toy shop. That's right. We're one of those couples. Time to kick this baby making into high gear!!!

Going to see Dr. Amazing (that's so her new name) was really just the pick me up I needed. I am confident and excited about this process again.

Trouble Sleeping

I talked to my Doctor's office last Friday. I updated them on everything that was going on. Which is A LOT. Last week I had my bloodwork for my thyroid done. It has FINALLY shown up that it is underactive (which we have suspected for years) and I am finally on medicine. Levoxyl. I was excited about that. It's been a really long time coming. But the pregnancy test came back negative. Disappointed. I was due to start around last Wednesday. Or so I thought. I have never had regular cycles so I wasn't too sure. But I got the positive OPK on February 7 (CD12) so I thought surely I would start on my own this month. Not happening.

Anyway, my Dr. told me to wait til CD35 (today) to take a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE. I have been cramping so badly for the last week. Which isn't abnormal when I am actually on my period. I have always had bad cramps. But I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED. I am getting frustrated. When other women are on clomid a single cycle is usually around 28-30 days (I realize there are exceptions). But for me a single cycle is usually 50-60 days. I hate the whole process. Wait and wait. Get your hopes up. Test. Test. Test. Negative. Progesterone for 5 days. Another 4 days til you actually start and another 3 days until you start the new round of clomid. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!

Last night the cramps were so bad they woke me up around 3 am and I was worried about waking up my husband so I literally walked around my house in the dark wimpering. I didn't get back in bed til his alarm went off.

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY!!!!

I am in a very why me?!!? sort of mood right now. Maybe it has to do with the baby shower invite I got and having to go through registries to pick a gift out for my friend's baby girl.

I am getting really emotional right now. I know I should be thankful for all the wonderful in my life (and I swear on most days I am) it's just... I don't even know. I have that impending doom feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe its realizing that by the time I get through all the progesterone hoopla and actually start the clomid I will be taking it while my stepkids, in laws and my mother are here.

I am so full of anger, frustration, self pity, and fear right now. There is a huge part of me that is just simply terrified that I will never be pregnant and have a baby.

You know... I think I need some chocolate.

The Point of No Return

I am nearing the end of my second round of Clomid! Today is day four and then tomorrow and then its hormone free (hopefully) for a few days.

Last month I basically had no side effects. It was great and I was strangely proud of myself for being stronger than all these hormones I was pumping into my body. I felt like super woman! Then they doubled my dose.

Oh, man. Friday was day one and I didn't have alot planned. That said, I DEFINITELY didn't plan on sitting on the couch and crying my eyes out for 30 minutes for absolutely no reason except I had remembered when George's dad died on Grey's. I mean, REALLY sad episode but it didn't deserve tears a few years later. So I decided to forewarn my husband. I texted him and let him know of my emotional breakdown and told him that I needed him to be careful with me. He said OK and I just felt so relieved... crisis averted!

Not so much.

I had thought he would be coming home early on Friday and I was really excited to see him and spend some time with him. Instead he decided to go to a work function that he had previously not wanted to go to. So I said OK, go. I wasn't happy about it but I recognized that I wasn't reacting rationally and he works hard and of course he should go and enjoy the benefits of that. Unfortunately for both of us I was under the impression that he was only going for an hour or two. Yeah. As time passed, I sat in the living room not able to concentrate on anything except how angry I was! All I could think was that he had abandoned me in my time of need and he would rather have all this fun with his co-workers and not me. And then... the most evil of all.... Tiffany. The girl who has a thing for my husband at work. I pictured him, the innocent lamb, playing skee-ball with his work buddies and her lurking, always ready to give him a high five or a hug for a particularly high score... As my rage grew, I knew he was out having a blast, WITHOUT ME, with Tiffany hanging all over him....

I snapped.

Now, normally, I am not a completely crazy person (sometimes a touch of crazy but never completely). I have known about Tiffany for a long time and I think she is completely inappropriate and I don't want my husband around her but I trust him without one tiny little doubt in my heart. I will say that I don't trust HER (I mean really, what single woman invites a married man to stay with her when his wife is across the country?!?). And I'm just going to say it... I've met her and if we're going to compare looks, I really don't have anything to worry about. So all of this... CLOMID.

I finally talked to him on the phone and I just spewed five hours of angry and pity party all over my poor husband. Yes, he should've called and let me know he was going to be later than we thought, which he immediately apologized for. Did that stop me?!!? NOOOOO. The point of no return. I could not stop. I was crying hysterically and hurling accusations at him like a wild woman.

Needless to say he didn't take it well. The decision was made to leave it til morning. After he went to bed I stayed up, completely spent and not understanding my emotions. A little talk with one of my best friends calmed me down and I determined to do better the next day and to apologize to my husband. I also got a great recommendation from another friend on a couple books that help you understand the opposite sex better... I decided I would go out early, pick them up and then sit down and apologize and try to explain the whole thing to my husband.

Well, I didn't make it out of the house before he got up. We talked for a long time, apologies were made and he came with me to get the books. I came home and read them both, cover to cover. I thought the worst had passed...

Nope.

Saturday night, low and behold, all these emotions are just raging inside me. Then I read this message board about how having PCOS makes you 50% more likely to get certain kinds of cancer. 50%!!!!! I freaked out... I was so scared. So I cried and cried and cried and cried. Could. not. stop.

I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling... How I felt so broken, and like everything was all my fault and I was so sorry that he was stuck with this barren, infertile woman. Finally I took some benadryl so I could sleep. I was sick of myself at this point so I can only imagine what my husband was feeling.

Finally, blessed sleep.

Strangely enough, Sunday I was fine. I got a little extra annoyed a few times but I did my best to contain it. I also decided to take control of my life a little bit. I made a schedule for myself. If I am going to be a housewife and a stay at home mom I am going to be the best that I can possibly be. Now I know what chores I am going to get done everyday of the week and I am going to do my best to do Yoga everyday. And there will be dinner on the table every weekday at 7:30. Sounds like 1952, right?!?! I know. My old independent party girl self would be so ashamed. But I guess I am more traditional than I ever thought. I like to take care of my husband and for the most part, I really enjoy cooking (I'm not half bad either). I don't LOVE cleaning but I do enjoy having a clean, neat house. It's just easier to breathe.

That brings us to today... I am feeling fine today. I haven't gotten much done but I am feeling very ambitious today. I will conquer the world today! Well, if not the world, then at the very least my messy living room.

Learning to Breathe

It's been a busy, crazy, hectic, wonderful last few weeks. My best friend came into town to see me and we had a blast! There is nothing quite like shopping with your best friend. My husband tolerates it and does his best, but it's never the same as your girlfriends. We also went sledding in Flagstaff which was hilarious. We all came home a little bit beat up with bruises and scrapes but it was a blast. I was so sad to see her go back to Texas!

The next day (my birthday) my Dad flew in. I am not super close with my Dad, he's been absent most of my life, so I was a little nervous about this visit. But ever since our wedding last Spring I feel like he's making a much bigger effort to be in my life so I am trying to give him credit for that and I try as well. It was a good visit. We did normal stuff... took him to see a few sights of Phoenix and out to eat.We had good visits with both Katie and my Dad but by the end of the 7 days of visitors I was so happy to have my house back and not have to entertain anyone.

I turned 27. I am having a little bit of an age crisis. It just sounds so OLD. Now I know that people in their 40's would probably want to smack me for that... it just really does sound incredibly old to me. I feel like my youth is slipping away from me... I know that sounds melodramatic... but really if you know me, that's nothing new. My husband did well on my birthday, we had lunch at Maggiano's and he got me a HUGE flower arrangement and grilled out delicious burgers for dinner. And chocolate cake of course. :)

I should be starting my second round of Clomid in the next few days. I finished my progesterone this last Saturday (the 23rd) and I am just waiting for that to do its job. Based on how my body reacted last month I should be starting my Clomid Friday or Saturday. I'm taking 100 mg a day now. I am really nervous to see how I will react to it. Last month really no side effects except for one day that I recognized that I wasn't reacting well to things for no reason at all. But this is double the dose so I am a little apprehensive about what kind of crazy I will be. Hope my husband is ready for it. :)

I have been working really hard on being thankful lately. I have so much that other people don't have. I have this amazing husband, and although we DEFINITELY have our moments at the end of the day I would choose him over and over again. So many people don't have that. I have a wonderful house to live in and all my fur babies to spoil. I have family that I love and the most amazing in-laws you could ask for and of course the best friends in the world who put up with me no matter what kind of nuts I am. I am quickly coming to the realization that if the clomid doesn't work than I don't think I want to go any further with fertility treatments. I don't think that I want to go through IUI or IVF. And I don't think I want to adopt. If the clomid doesn't work than I think we will be done trying. I love my husband and I want a baby with him more than anything in the world but I also know that if we don't have one, we have each other and I will still lead this incredibly blessed and wonderful life with him.

The Heart of the Matter

Good morning to me! I woke up to a call from my Dr's office. I have to do ovulation predictor kits for the next five days and a pregnancy test two weeks after that to check and make sure I didn't get pregnant. If I didn't and there was no ovulation its 100 mg of Clomid for me next month. Woo. But bonus for me... I found out I have polycystic ovary syndrome, too. Just another disorder that stops me from ovulating and another thing that makes me gain weight....

I don't even know what to think about it right now. I am so tired of being tired! So tired of feeling fat and ugly and working out and dieting doing nothing! But at least now I know why... hypothyroidism AND pcos. Oooh... and the answer to why I have been breaking out since I went off the pill... PCOS. And the answer to why I have to wax my eyebrows and lip like every TWO weeks... PCOS.

I am trying to stay positive. I don't know how successful I will be though. I did go out and get a yoga mat and dvds yesterday. I am going to try and do it everyday and hopefully that will help with my mindset and make me feel a little more energized everyday.

We shall see what happens!

You're Gonna Miss This...

I was getting ready for my dr appt this morning listening to the radio and I heard a song I had never heard before. I really loved it but didn't think much about it... I was so anxious for my appt... and excited (as excited as you can be for an internal ultrasound, anyway).

I really couldn't wait to find out how many ripe follicles I had and how the clomid worked... the only thing I worried about was if it worked too well and I had a ton of ripe follicles and had to skip this month so I wouldn't end up with 20 kids. What I didn't expect was that it didn't work at all. Nothing. Not ONE follicle. Thankfully the technician/nurse was really nice and I was able to leave quickly. I made it to the car before I really started crying.

And I KNOW that this isn't the end of the world and I KNOW that my dr will probably just end up putting me on a higher dose next month and seeing how that works. I know all that. But no one can understand this feeling unless they've experienced it themselves. No one can understand grieving for something that you never had unless you've done it. No one can understand feeling like you're broken and you're not whole because your body won't do what it's supposed to do, unless they've gone through it. No one can know this overwhelming feeling of failure, without experiencing it themselves. And as much as I love all the supportive people in my life telling me don't worry... it will happen. They don't know that. They CAN'T know that. And I appreciate their efforts to make me feel better, I really do... it just doesn't make me feel better.

Turns out I have this amazing husband. He let me cry on the phone and he was so sweet. He's done alot of research about all this and he's always full of facts. They don't always make me feel better but today they did. And I am so grateful for him and how understanding he is.

So I'm waiting to hear from my dr. The results of my ultrasound were faxed over and when she reviews them she will call me and tell me what the next step is. I am thinking it will be the 100 mg dose of Clomid this time (last one was 50 mg). Hopefully that will do the trick.

But in the meantime, I am reflecting on the Trace Adkins song I heard this morning...

'you're gonna miss this
you're gonna want this back
you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but you're gonna miss this'

Leave it to a country song to sum up my life. It puts it in perspective... I have this amazing husband. It's just us right now and I need to enjoy every minute we have together before we add another life to our family. So today I will cry for what I don't have but tonight I will hug my husband when he walks through the door and I will remind myself how truly blessed I am.

Never Say Never...

There are about a half million things I never thought I'd do...
I would never write a blog, never get married before I was 30, never become my mother, never have kids....

Well, let me tell you... I'm sitting here writing my first blog post and sitting next to my husband, I've definitely told my step-son 'only boring people are bored' (thanks for that, Mom), and I'm dying for a baby.

I married the most wonderful man I know in March. I had agreed to have one baby in 5 or 6 years... no rush, right? Yeah about that... a month later it hits me... like running into a brick wall... I could feel my ovaries start to ache. My husband, Randy, was ready... more than. He wanted a baby yesterday. :) So after a lot of debate, discussion and absolute giddiness... out went the birth control pills.

I immediately started obsessing everything baby... clothes, cribs, bedding, decor, bouncy seats, play mats... the internet is a dangerous thing. I was so sure I would be pregnant within weeks. That didn't happen.

We knew I had thyroid problems but weren't sure how exactly that could affect getting pregnant. Long story short... it did.

So now, 8 months later, after many dr visits and an official diagnosis (Hashimoto's Disease) I decided to write this blog. I have been guilty of many internet searches and scaring the crap out of myself because I read all these crazy message boards and I am terrified that everything that happens to these other women will happen to me. So I decided to write this... a true account (I don't guarantee that there won't be craziness) of my Clomid journey.

I did a 5 day course of progesterone starting December 9 and on Cycle Day 3 (Dec 19) I started the 5 day course of clomid. I was initially really nervous about what this would do to me... Would I be a raving lunatic? Really sick? Would I drive my husband away with my bitchiness and therefore the end of the baby journey? A lot was going on. But it turns out, not much in the way of side effects. I was actually in a really great mood all day long. About 8-10 hours after I took the first pill I did feel a little nauseated (we were also driving in the mountains) and I could feel little pin pricks in the ovary area. Not painful at all, but I could definitely feel it.

Today, I took the second pill and I feel fine. Again I am feeling the pin pricks. But more than anything that just encourages me that the clomid is working. I am sending positive thoughts to my ovaries about twice an hour.

I am excited and nervous to see if this works. It may take a few months on the clomid but I can't wait to see what happens!