The Bitch is Back

I know. Once again I should apologize for being a crappy blogger.

Sorry, life has been extremely busy and when I do have time I always choose sleep over anything else.

But there are major things going on over here. Things I've been meaning to share for quite some time but haven't found the time to write about.

Right now I am supposed to be doing school work as the husband and the baby nap, so obviously I chose to blog instead. I am an excellent student.

So here is what is up.... We are officially TTC #2. We decided a few months ago that we did not want to wait an overly long amount of time so we made the plunge.

I have found a new RE. I miss my old one from Orlando SO MUCH, but the new one is good. He's not quite as awesome as Orlando, but he's agreed to follow the same protocol that got me pregnant with B even though it is not a protocol they often use at this clinic. So, I'm pretty happy about that. It took two cycles on the femara, follistim, and trigger shot plan to get me pregnant. I'm very hopeful that this will not take a long time.

I am currently in the middle of my diagnostic cycle. New Dr. wanted to redo tests since it has been two years since I've had them all done. I had my HSG done last week and it was much more painful than the first one. I was not expecting that, at all. But the results were that everything is perfect so I can't complain too much.

Now, here is the bad news. My crappy PCP messed up my thyroid. Pretty significantly. She upped my dose a few months ago because my TSH was a little elevated, although not above normal levels. When New Dr. checked my levels my TSH came back at .02. Low end of normal is .4. This is not good.

So now, new Dr does not want me cycling until my thyroid is at a normal level (they prefer under 2.5 but obviously, not this low). I understand why it needs to be at a normal level but I am SO frustrated at the delay.

I have officially been off my thyroid meds for a month in an effort to even out my levels. I called my PCP the other day to let them know what they did to me. They decreased my dose. Without doing any blood work whatsoever. They called in a new dose and told me they would retest me in 6 weeks. When I asked for blood work they told me no.

Does this strike anyone else as extremely irresponsible?! You messed me up before and now you're just putting me on a different dose without checking to see where I am at currently?! Needless to say I am not going back to them and have an appointment in the morning with a different Dr. I am hopeful that my levels have come back up in the last month.

So there it is in a nutshell. Life is crazy busy and it is a little difficult to fit appointments in around my school, my husband's work schedule (he travels quite a bit now) and B.

I committed the cardinal sin the other day. I took B with me to an appointment at the RE. I couldn't help it. My husband was out of town and I didn't have a babysitter. I felt awful sitting in the waiting room with him. And of course he took it as an opportunity to be babbling and laughing his little ass off. I kept trying to keep him quiet because I wanted to be as unobtrusive as possible. I know the hurt that comes with seeing a baby at an RE's office and I absolutely hated to do that to other women. But, I also don't want to start scrapping cycles because I don't have a babysitter seven times a month for monitoring appointments.

So, if you see me with my baby at the RE, PLEASE know that it is not my first choice and I am deeply sorry about the hurt we are causing you.

I will TRY my hardest to keep everyone updated on the TTC front.

Baby 2.0 is officially underway!

On the Move

I have a few thing I want to write about but haven't figured out how to yet. In the meantime, look what this guy learned to do!!

He is into everything and I am exhausted. :) 

Jumbled, Confused, and Hurt

Of course, you guessed it, this post is about PAIL.

I have so many thoughts concerning this issue that's popped up in this community the last few days.

First, I am sure you all see the link to PAIL on the side of my blog. So, you know that I do not see it as a hurtful action against others.

Before anything I want to clarify something. Joining PAIL does not, and never will, mean that I am leaving the ALI community behind and that I've 'moved on'. It simply means that I wanted to meet and connect with others who are in the same place as I am. That's it. It's a way to connect and build new relationships NOT leave old ones behind.

Fact: I follow and comment on more IF blogs than parenting or pregnancy blogs. I will ALWAYS be there for those still waiting on their babies. ALWAYS. Joining PAIL does not mean that I will remove my support from others. The insinuation that some will do that just because they listed their blog with PAIL is, frankly, disgusting and insulting.

Fact: Joining PAIL does not mean that blog posts are going to be in new places. They will still be in the same place. PAIL is simply a way to find new blogs and therefore new people that one might have something in common with. Basically, it's adding your blog link in a new place. That's it.

It is not a community that meets and gloats over their reproductive success.

The comments that have occurred in the last few days are atrocious. Comparing levels of infertility? Really?!? They make me sick to my stomach and has seriously shaken my faith in this community as a whole.

And when it comes to that... I have a huge problem with the bitterness in the ALI community. I understand it, I really do, but it also makes me cringe. I HATE HATE HATE the awful comments I see towards women who aren't reproductively challenged. Since when did this woman on woman hating become ok?

Since when is it okay to judge and be rude about women who are EXCITED to be pregnant and having a family?!? Shouldn't we all be rejoicing that a child is being born to someone who has so much love to give?

Would I get jealous when I saw all my friend get pregnant easily? Sure. ABSOLUTELY. But I was so thankful that they had so much love for their babies. I look up to these women who are so incredibly excited to expand their family that they cannot help but to share their love and excitement with others. I think THAT is amazing.

It's ok to be happy for others but sad for yourself. But there is a line.

You know what? Be angry at people who abuse their children, smoke through their pregnancies and generally don't take care of their kids. That makes me angry. And, I'll admit, extremely judgmental.

I am just sick to death of censoring myself here. I've been doing it since I got pregnant. And I've seen several comments and posts that said that some are offended at the thought of someone editing themselves in order to protect their feelings. So... at the advice of those people, I will not edit here.

It remains to be seen if I can handle the ugly comments and emails. If I can't then blogging is clearly not for me and I will shut this blog down. It is something that I will have to seriously consider as I move forward with this space.

Crazy In Love

I don't want my walls covered in art. I want them covered in memories.

Dancin' Away with my Heart

A little over four years ago I started dating this guy. 

He'd been pursuing me for a while and I finally caved and went out with him. I proceeded to have the best first date of my life (minus the part when I thought I was being kidnapped. That's a story for another day). 

A few weeks later he came over to my house for Thanksgiving and I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner for my family. This included my first Turkey. 

After dinner that guy was cleaning up (man... love it) and he looked at me and said "I saved the wishbone from the first turkey you ever cooked."

It was that moment that my heart officially became his. All I could think was "I'm in trouble."

My heart has been his since that day. 

This is that wishbone. 

My mom covered it with silver for us. It was originally supposed to be a Christmas ornament but I realized that I wanted it out year round. 

I finally got it in a shadow box today. It is my daily reminder of that first dizzy fall into love with an amazing man. My husband. 

I am one lucky girl. 

Reflections

I'm jumping on the predictable blogger bandwagon and doing a post about this last year.

It's been pretty incredible.

This year all my dreams came true.

My marriage is stronger and more wonderful than ever and we finally got our miracle. Everyday I am so overwhelmingly thankful to be where I am.

It's been quite the roller coaster (we moved when I was 8 months pregnant AND when B was 3 months old) but I found myself living in a gorgeous part of the country with the man I love and my precious, precious boy.

Nothing can fill my heart more than my husband and my son.

Holy crap... I can say my son. Sometimes it really hits me that I am finally a mommy and it overwhelms me with joy.

Cinderella was right. Even miracles take a little time.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope the new year brings everyone their miracles.

One Year

One year ago I woke up at 5 am really needing to go to the bathroom.

I was trying to hold it and wait because it was time to take a pregnancy test. I was scared. I knew it would be another negative. I'd lost all hope and yet I didn't want another heartbreak.

Instead, I got this the positive. I was so stunned and thrilled. I sat on the bathroom floor shaking, holding the test and not believing my eyes.

I could barely contain my joy. It finally happened.

Following that stunning day was a pretty uneventful and smooth sailing pregnancy.

And now a year later, I have this....

Our first moments together outside the operating room.

Heart to Heart

My heart is so full today.

In between all the cooking and baking it really has been a day of reflecting.

A year ago I was literally getting pregnant.

I have been so emotional all day thinking about where I was a year ago. I had completely given up hope.

I thought that I would not be a mother. I got to a place where I literally thought it was not possible.

And here I am. A year later, this is where I find myself. My heart is so full. A year ago I thought I would not be able to share special days like today with my child.

This was the first outfit we bought him when I was pregnant. Before we even knew he was a boy. :)

Today, I held my little man and I thanked God for this special day filled with memories with my little family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me way more than I deserve and I have a precious baby who is the love of my life (along with the husband, of course).

I never thought I would be here. A mommy. Sometimes, I still can't believe how blessed I am. Everyday I get to wake up to a little person who smiles just because I'm his mommy. He lights up my world.

I do not take any moments for granted and I cannot wait to share this Holiday season with him.

My heart is so full. And so very, very thankful.

Thankful

This is what I am thankful for this year...

There is nothing better!

Just a Feeling

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).