On the Move

I have a few thing I want to write about but haven't figured out how to yet. In the meantime, look what this guy learned to do!!

He is into everything and I am exhausted. :) 

Jumbled, Confused, and Hurt

Of course, you guessed it, this post is about PAIL.

I have so many thoughts concerning this issue that's popped up in this community the last few days.

First, I am sure you all see the link to PAIL on the side of my blog. So, you know that I do not see it as a hurtful action against others.

Before anything I want to clarify something. Joining PAIL does not, and never will, mean that I am leaving the ALI community behind and that I've 'moved on'. It simply means that I wanted to meet and connect with others who are in the same place as I am. That's it. It's a way to connect and build new relationships NOT leave old ones behind.

Fact: I follow and comment on more IF blogs than parenting or pregnancy blogs. I will ALWAYS be there for those still waiting on their babies. ALWAYS. Joining PAIL does not mean that I will remove my support from others. The insinuation that some will do that just because they listed their blog with PAIL is, frankly, disgusting and insulting.

Fact: Joining PAIL does not mean that blog posts are going to be in new places. They will still be in the same place. PAIL is simply a way to find new blogs and therefore new people that one might have something in common with. Basically, it's adding your blog link in a new place. That's it.

It is not a community that meets and gloats over their reproductive success.

The comments that have occurred in the last few days are atrocious. Comparing levels of infertility? Really?!? They make me sick to my stomach and has seriously shaken my faith in this community as a whole.

And when it comes to that... I have a huge problem with the bitterness in the ALI community. I understand it, I really do, but it also makes me cringe. I HATE HATE HATE the awful comments I see towards women who aren't reproductively challenged. Since when did this woman on woman hating become ok?

Since when is it okay to judge and be rude about women who are EXCITED to be pregnant and having a family?!? Shouldn't we all be rejoicing that a child is being born to someone who has so much love to give?

Would I get jealous when I saw all my friend get pregnant easily? Sure. ABSOLUTELY. But I was so thankful that they had so much love for their babies. I look up to these women who are so incredibly excited to expand their family that they cannot help but to share their love and excitement with others. I think THAT is amazing.

It's ok to be happy for others but sad for yourself. But there is a line.

You know what? Be angry at people who abuse their children, smoke through their pregnancies and generally don't take care of their kids. That makes me angry. And, I'll admit, extremely judgmental.

I am just sick to death of censoring myself here. I've been doing it since I got pregnant. And I've seen several comments and posts that said that some are offended at the thought of someone editing themselves in order to protect their feelings. So... at the advice of those people, I will not edit here.

It remains to be seen if I can handle the ugly comments and emails. If I can't then blogging is clearly not for me and I will shut this blog down. It is something that I will have to seriously consider as I move forward with this space.

Crazy In Love

I don't want my walls covered in art. I want them covered in memories.

Dancin' Away with my Heart

A little over four years ago I started dating this guy. 

He'd been pursuing me for a while and I finally caved and went out with him. I proceeded to have the best first date of my life (minus the part when I thought I was being kidnapped. That's a story for another day). 

A few weeks later he came over to my house for Thanksgiving and I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner for my family. This included my first Turkey. 

After dinner that guy was cleaning up (man... love it) and he looked at me and said "I saved the wishbone from the first turkey you ever cooked."

It was that moment that my heart officially became his. All I could think was "I'm in trouble."

My heart has been his since that day. 

This is that wishbone. 

My mom covered it with silver for us. It was originally supposed to be a Christmas ornament but I realized that I wanted it out year round. 

I finally got it in a shadow box today. It is my daily reminder of that first dizzy fall into love with an amazing man. My husband. 

I am one lucky girl. 

Reflections

I'm jumping on the predictable blogger bandwagon and doing a post about this last year.

It's been pretty incredible.

This year all my dreams came true.

My marriage is stronger and more wonderful than ever and we finally got our miracle. Everyday I am so overwhelmingly thankful to be where I am.

It's been quite the roller coaster (we moved when I was 8 months pregnant AND when B was 3 months old) but I found myself living in a gorgeous part of the country with the man I love and my precious, precious boy.

Nothing can fill my heart more than my husband and my son.

Holy crap... I can say my son. Sometimes it really hits me that I am finally a mommy and it overwhelms me with joy.

Cinderella was right. Even miracles take a little time.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope the new year brings everyone their miracles.

One Year

One year ago I woke up at 5 am really needing to go to the bathroom.

I was trying to hold it and wait because it was time to take a pregnancy test. I was scared. I knew it would be another negative. I'd lost all hope and yet I didn't want another heartbreak.

Instead, I got this the positive. I was so stunned and thrilled. I sat on the bathroom floor shaking, holding the test and not believing my eyes.

I could barely contain my joy. It finally happened.

Following that stunning day was a pretty uneventful and smooth sailing pregnancy.

And now a year later, I have this....

Our first moments together outside the operating room.

Heart to Heart

My heart is so full today.

In between all the cooking and baking it really has been a day of reflecting.

A year ago I was literally getting pregnant.

I have been so emotional all day thinking about where I was a year ago. I had completely given up hope.

I thought that I would not be a mother. I got to a place where I literally thought it was not possible.

And here I am. A year later, this is where I find myself. My heart is so full. A year ago I thought I would not be able to share special days like today with my child.

This was the first outfit we bought him when I was pregnant. Before we even knew he was a boy. :)

Today, I held my little man and I thanked God for this special day filled with memories with my little family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me way more than I deserve and I have a precious baby who is the love of my life (along with the husband, of course).

I never thought I would be here. A mommy. Sometimes, I still can't believe how blessed I am. Everyday I get to wake up to a little person who smiles just because I'm his mommy. He lights up my world.

I do not take any moments for granted and I cannot wait to share this Holiday season with him.

My heart is so full. And so very, very thankful.

Thankful

This is what I am thankful for this year...

There is nothing better!

Just a Feeling

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).

Everything

I've been MIA again.

Obviously, life has changed dramatically and I just haven't had the time to blog. Or read blogs. Or comment. Or even really think about them.

Everyone tells you to prepare yourself for your life to be turned upside down. You roll your eyes and think "Of course life is going to change! I'm not an idiot!! This is what I WANT!! Bring it on!!!"

But, man. It CHANGES. You know it will. You think you're prepared. You think you'll never be the mother with dead eyes, unshowered with dried spit up on your clothes, manically rocking a baby begging through tears for him to just PLEASE sleep. Just for an hour. PLEASE.

Well, at least, I thought that. I thought surely I had this on lockdown. I had experience with babies from my daycare days and I was so ahead of the game.

I was prepared. I had to be. I FOUGHT for this baby for close to two years so OBVIOUSLY it all had to be perfect and sunshine and rainbows.

No surprise that I was wrong again (you know, like back in the day when I thought I would be pregnant the month after going off the pill. Oh, how I can laugh at my naivety now).

Motherhood is EVERYTHING.

And by everything, I mean it in every sense of the word. I can't express the feeling that went through me when they pulled him out of me. I had grown detached through my long labor and eventual c-section. It didn't feel like a baby was coming at the end of all of it. It was abstract. I shut down.

But then they pulled him out. And they held him up and he cried. And it was like a shock just went through my body. All I could think as my emotions finally made a reappearance and I started crying was "There you are. I've waited for you. You're more perfect than I ever thought possible."

Motherhood is everything. It's completely overwhelming emotionally. This little creature depends on you for everything and the enormity of that becomes real. You realize that you would do ANYTHING to keep him safe and happy. He's everything and the focus of your life shifts.

Then you come home. And motherhood is everything. It's what you breathe and think of every second of the day. I won't say it's what you sleep because sleep really does become the most valuable and missed experience of your life. It's overwhelming. Everything about your existence is about this baby. It's wonderful and exhausting.

Last night we got back from a road trip with the little man to check out our new town we're moving to in a few months. And I realized I needed to do SOMETHING that wasn't baby related. Anything.

So this morning we all got up and got B fed and I handed him to the husband and told him he was on baby duty.

I then put on some Alanis super loud and started cleaning. Sweeping and mopping and dishes and dusting. It needed to be done. REALLY needed to be done.

And as I was singing as loud as I could to some old school jams (I mean, really, who doesn't love Ironic?!) I started to get flashbacks.

Flashbacks of the girl I once was. Before I was married. Before I was infertile. Before the treatments. Before everything. I remembered what it felt like to zoom down the highway with my windows down screaming along to some good music while smoking a cigarette (yes, I smoked. No, I don't anymore. And, yes, I occasionally miss it. Shoot me). I remembered that feeling of absolute freedom.

I remembered who I used to be. Completely carefree and fun. God, I was SO FUN! And funny. I loved to dance and joke and drink with my girlfriends. I don't feel fun anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I let being a wife swallow me up. And not to mention the years of infertility and how they took up my entire existence and became my only focus. And now B.

Let me be clear and say that I don't regret a single second of it. I love my husband so much and he's changed my life in so many wonderful ways and really through our relationship I grew up and have learned so much about myself and life. I love him and I love the things we've experienced as we've moved around the country together.

But, I don't want to lose myself either. I fear that I've let that happen over the last four years. And I fear that if I am not careful I will let motherhood do the same thing.

It's funny how a few hours of cleaning and good music can clarify things.

So, I'm here.

Struggling to find myself (again!) while trying to be a good wife, good mother, and heal from the scars of infertility.

Struggling to hold onto the remnants of the girl I once was while trying to become the woman I want to be.