Awesomesauce

SIF did something pretty awesome... She wrote a book!! I bought it yesterday and I am already on Chapter 50.

Her story is amazing and everyone needs to go buy it!! Go here and check it out.

So proud of you, friend!

I Can't Handle It

Right off the bat I am going to say that I shouldn't be writing anything right now.

I am an emotional wreck.

Not the kind of emotional wreck that I was after B was born and I had PPD, though. I want to make that perfectly clear. My emotions are NOT hormone-driven.

They are just the emotions of a woman who sometimes feels like she's drowning.

So in this emotional state I may not express myself as well as I would like.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I may not be able to handle being a wife and mother to two and stepmother to two more.

I separate mother and stepmother because there are different considerations when you're a step-parent. I love my stepkids and I want to make that painfully clear. But... there are different considerations. Such as they have a mother and I in no way want to replace her. I'm not their mother and that is ok. I am ok with it and I think they are too. That doesn't mean that we don't all love each other.

I had been feeling like I was handling things pretty well. I wasn't drowning in self-doubt and worry constantly as I was when I first brought B, home. I am more experienced in newborn now. My husband also takes G every other night so I am getting decent sleep.

It's not the nights that have me worried, it's the days. Days where there is no opportunity to nap and I am constantly battling the toddler and the newborn, hoping that they stay happy all day and if they don't, at least they take turns crying. At the point in my day where I feel like I have a handle on things (B's naptime) the stepkids are getting home and we're starting the rounds of homework and chores. And when that is done it is time to cook dinner and get everyone to bed.

And that does not even take into consideration my duties as a wife.

To say that I am busy is an understatement.

There are days when I am not sure that I am going to make it. And I've already given up on being any sort of attractive at all.

But I had been feeling like we had been making it ok.

But now I'm not so sure. My confidence has been slowly crumbling. Tiny little comments here and there with a negative connotation have me questioning everything.

Maybe I can't handle being a wife and mother of four. It happened so fast. In 17 months I went from no kids to 4 and I worry constantly that I am not good enough.

And maybe I'm not.

I know I fail on a daily basis. I fail to keep my house clean, I fail to cook dinner every night (the husband has been cooking a lot), I fail to be patient and loving at all times.

I've been so worried about B lately. I 've been worrying that I don't teach him nearly enough. He doesn't do arts and crafts at home, he doesn't know his shapes or colors, yet. He can't count and I'm not sure when I'm going to find the time to teach him these things. I know pre-school would teach him all this and more, but I want to be the one to be there for those little moments. I, selfishly, want to teach him all that myself... But how?

I feel like I can either be a GREAT mother to one or a mediocre mother to more.

I already know I've failed as a wife.

So, I am here, an emotional wreck, thinking... They're all right....

I can't handle it.

In a Moment...

I probably know better than anyone how life can change in a moment.

One second you're walking around thinking life is normal and things stay the same and the next... everything changes.

This has happened to me several times in the last few years. A little over two years ago I was stuck in a funk, thinking I would never be pregnant. I was about to give up.

And then I got my 2 lines. And had an uneventful pregnancy followed by one long ass labor and eventual c-section. But I got this...

Brady. The hardest and best thing I've ever done. We struggled through PPD, colic, and reflux. He is the light of my life.

My boys. I am so blessed.

And then 9 months later I was going along, thinking it would take me at least 6 months to a year to get pregnant again, but wondering why I was having such terrible motion sickness.... Life changed again. I was pregnant (talk about an absolute shock).

The day after we found out I was pregnant (naturally) we learned my stepkids might come live with us and 3 months later they were here. In a year I went from 1 kid to 3, one with special needs.

And 6 months later... (just 4 short weeks ago)...

Another little man stole my heart. Grayson. My absolute joy.

Ladies and gentleman... in a year and a half I went from no kids in my home to four. FOUR.

So, I know that a moment, a split second, can change your life.

This is why I am so unbelievably excited for this lady. She's been there for me for about 3 years now and virtually held my hand through failed cycles and treatments. In fact, when I got pregnant with B she had just gone through her second failed IVF, the FET. And I hurt so much as I announced my pregnancy because I knew how it would hurt her, the first announcement after her failed cycle. It killed me, even though I knew how happy she was for me. And she was. She has been nothing but incredibly supportive of me as I have navigated the waters of two pregnancies, two newborns, and two stepkids and all the accompanying emotions.

I spent most of my day scouring the internet for the perfect baby gifts for her precious girl, so excited for this person that has touched my life in so many ways, but that I have never met.

SIF, I am so incredibly happy and excited for you, friend. And just know if your girl ever needs a really good looking, southern boyfriend with great manners... I'm raising two of them.

Like I said... Life can change in a moment. And it can be so incredibly amazing.

It's Been a Long Time

I haven't been in this space much in the past months. I have thought about it and there have been posts that I have considered writing. When it came down to it, I just didn't have the energy or time. Well, I had the time, but I just chose to use it in other ways.

I have also had a conflict about what I wanted for this space. It's been useful for me over the last 3 years, but my time is limited and I am not sure I can keep up.

My life has also done a complete 180. When I started this blog I had no children. I now have 2, plus 2 step kids who live with us full time. I am obviously not waiting on that fertile godmother anymore. She's been by, and won't be back again. Ever.

I was talking to a friend and telling her I wasn't sure what to do with the blog anymore. I am an infertile girl who ended up with 4 kids. What do I do with that? She said that's exactly what I should do with the blog... The infertile girl with 4 kids.

And maybe someday I will. When I have more time and energy. Or when I can wrap my head around the concept myself.

In the meantime, about two and a half weeks ago I welcomed this little man. He has stolen my heart and incidentally, he also stole my birthday. It was quite the way to celebrate my 30th birthday.

Grayson Corbin 1/17/13 6:56 AM 7 lb 10 oz

Too Damn Young

I know I haven't been around blog land in a while.

Overnight I went from being a mama to a one year old to the stepmom of a ten year old, an almost 8 year old with special needs, and still the mama to my little Bug and of course the little man in my belly (almost 26 weeks pregnant).

I will never share the full details of the situation here. For more than one reason. The first being that the children's privacy should always be protected, and for legal reasons.

But I can share my feelings, which honestly change daily, sometimes moment to moment.

Some days I am fine and I power through my day, cooking, cleaning, cooking again, loving on my boy, and doing stuff for and with the kids when they get home from school. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I usually fall into bed until my alarm wakes us up at 5:30 am (WTF).

Other days I struggle. I fight the tears and feel like I can't breathe and that I'm drowning. The enormity of the situation hits home and I am completely overwhelmed.

Being a mother has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Being a stepmom is different. It's scary and hard.

I love the kids and I want them to know that I love them and that I am there for them, but not that I am trying to replace their mother (which I, of course, am absolutely not). There are so many complicated emotions that come with this situation.

Being a stepmother to a child with special needs and who, at close to eight years old, is not potty trained is terrifying. I struggle everyday to find the patience to handle it. I fail all the time.

I'm doing my best, but I make mistakes all the time.

As for this new little man I am carrying, he is due to arrive exactly on my 30th birthday. I am still flabbergasted at how I ended up with 4 kids in my house by 30. I have no idea how this happened and how much my life has changed in the last year. It shocks me daily.

We also got a new minivan. I never EVER thought I would be driving a minivan, but ESPECIALLY not before 30. I am too damn young!

I sometimes feel I am too damn young to handle being a stepmother to these kids. I don't have the wisdom and experience to know how to handle what they have been through, and I feel lost.

I feel lost. And old. And too young all at the same time.

Through the nearly three years I've had this blog, one thing hasn't changed... my feelings are complicated and confusing.

Long, Overdue Update

I have done a great job at being way too busy for updating this blog.

Currently, I am nearly 20 weeks pregnant and it will be confirmed on Friday that it is indeed another BOY! :)

B also turned one 3 weeks ago. It was a lovely and bittersweet day. He amazes me everyday.

In other news, and the biggest reason why I have been so incredibly busy, my stepkids have come to live with us from Texas. When we got them we had a week to drive home to Florida from Texas (with three kids and a uhaul trailer), get them into the pediatrician, get them registered for school, buy them furniture, clothes and school supplies.

It was a busy, busy week.

Now, the amount of kids in my house has tripled (and come January another one will be added to the mix). My laundry has quadrupled and I finally have given into the fact that I HAVE to cook every night.

In the last two and a half weeks I have never been so insanely busy and on my feet in my life. In fact I've dropped nearly ten pounds in that time. I fall into bed everynight exhausted.

The schools here are insane. My stepdaughter's bus comes at 6:05 AM and my stepson's comes at 6:20. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!!? I have learned to make breakfast casseroles on Sunday nights and just heat some up in the mornings. It keeps things a little easier in the mornings.

Overall, it has been  HUGE adjustment, but I think we're all doing really well. We've started to settle into a routine and we're all getting our feet under us and getting used to our new normal.

We're very excited to have them here with us, although I'm so nervous to be adding a newborn into this mix in a few months. I'm terrified that this new baby is going to get lost in the shuffle. As a good friend's mom told me... Newborns have a way of not getting lost in the shuffle. She has a point.

Now I need to learn a thing or two about baby wearing. I have a feeling I'm going to need my hands free!!

Perpetuating the Myth

Last Thursday morning we went in for an ultrasound. This was the big one, the one where we would see if this little bun had a heartbeat.

We immediately saw it, and just as immediately I burst into tears of relief.

Let me tell you, crying during a vaginal ultrasound is its own special kind of awkward. Just sayin'.

Now that we have that out of the way I feel a huge sense of relief and joy in this pregnancy. I am excited for the future and can't wait to find out what we're having so I can start shopping.

This pregnancy was such a shock to us. We did not expect this, and although we were planning to start treatment soon, we did not plan on this happening right now. We thought we had a few months. At least.

And while I am overjoyed that this has happened and I didn't have to endure the follistim shots (and that I get to donate those back to my clinic) there is a part of me that is a little embarrassed.

What happened here, to us, this pregnancy... it perpetuates the myth.

Ever since my pregnancy with B (who is now officially 10 months old!) I have listened to people who don't know better tell me that I will get pregnant on my own now. My body knows what to do now and it will just happen.

I could not wrap my mind around the fact that just because I  have had one successful pregnancy that I would now ovulate and my PCOS would be fine. I mean, it doesn't even make sense! I have a disease. A disease that has been confirmed (again) AFTER the birth of my son.

It just so happens that I ovulated on my own in the month of April. For the first time since 2007. Let's take a moment to think about that. It's been 5 years since I ovulated without medical assistance.

AND it just so happens there was sexy time that weekend. Also another kind of miracle as our lives and B have taken over and there isn't always time made for recreational activities (or lets be honest, I'd rather sleep).

The odds at work here are insane.

Every infuriating cliche we've all heard happened to me. Shoot, I even had my hsg the same month.

So here I am. And I want to shout from the rooftops that natural pregnancies just don't happen after a pregnancy just because someone has been pregnant. It just... doesn't.

But it did. To us. And I have nothing to back up my firm belief that this doesn't happen to most people who struggle with infertility. We all wish it did. It would be nice if it did.

But it doesn't.

So here I am. Happy and joyful at our luck, but also completely embarrassed to be perpetuating the myth for everyone else.

Surprise!

Well, my life is crazy. REALLY crazy.

I got my day 22 progesterone on May 4. They called and told me it wasn't a true ovulation and to start my 10 day dose of aygestin to bring on my period.

I took all ten days and expected my period to show up about 3-4 days after I finished the dose.

Never showed.

I was getting so frustrated. I was angry at my body and that it wasn't responding to the medication and that I was having to deal with further problems with my body.

Finally after a week of a no show period my mind started thinking... maybe I should take a pregnancy test and then my period will show. We all know that's how it works.

Tuesday night around 9 PM I took a test.

It turned positive before I was even done peeing on it. Just like it did with B.

COMPLETE SHOCK.

I got in the next day for beta. Results came yesterday afternoon. 4888. Holy crap.

At first they told me that my hugh number indicated an ectopic pregnancy. I knew that it wasn't. I just knew.

Then they told me my progesterone was only 8.2. I freaked out. I obviously know how important progesterone levels are. When I was pregnant with B I had perfect progesterone levels. So I freaked out.

Thankfully, I already had some crinone in my bathroom and they started me on that immediately. Its gross but I don't care. Whatever I need to do.

This morning I went in for an ultrasound. The pregnancy is definitely in my uterus. The gestational sac was visible, as was the yolk sac. I'm measuring 5 weeks 6 days so it is still too early to see the baby or heartbeat. Also, my RE's ultrasound machine SUCKS. Big time. Even follicle checks are barely visible on that machine. I miss my old RE.

I got the call from the nurse this afternoon going over everything. Turns out they started using new progesterone kits at the end of April. The kits have different values (don't ask me to explain that because I don't understand it at all). So when they said my progesterone was under 5 on May 4 it was actually closer about 8 (indicating ovulation) and when they said it was 8.2 yesterday it's actually over 12.

It's still low for pregnancy and remains a concern but it's a lot better than 8.2!

So there you have it. We are pregnant with baby number 2. And it happened the old fashioned way... hurried, frantic sex before the baby starts crying.

Not very romantic, but definitely a wonderful gift. We are extremely grateful and hopeful.

You are my Joy

I haven't even started writing this post yet and I am already crying.

I feel so blessed. And grateful.

I didn't know how my first Mother's Day would hit me. I didn't know I would get so emotional and it's not even until tomorrow. I didn't know if I would have mixed emotions about the day.

Mostly, I cried as I rocked my son to sleep tonight because I cannot believe how incredibly blessed I am. He has turned my world upside down into a chaotic, messy, tornado. I wouldn't change a thing. He is my joy. If my heart could burst with love, it would.

I could not ask for more than my beautiful boy.

Today I cry with joy at my blessings.

But, I have not forgotten all of you still waiting.

Tomorrow I will think about every single one of you. You are not alone. I have not forgotten the journey that brought me to this place in my life. I have not forgotten all of the amazing women who stood by me on my journey and I stand with you now.

So, tomorrow, Mother's Day, I am thinking about all the expectant mommies, first time and seasoned mommies, the mommies who had to say goodbye too soon, and the mommies who are still waiting to say hello.

You are all in my heart and I am better for knowing you all.

Things are Happening

My new favorite time to blog is when I should be doing school work. It is really helping my GPA. Just kidding, I have a great GPA even if I am the worst procrastinator on the face of the planet.

First of all, my great friend over at Bumpy Journey, gave me a great recommendation on a doctor. We have become really great friends in real life over the last few months. Her baby, Oat, is five weeks older than B and we take Kindermusik classes together and do lunch after. I am so thankful for her friendship!

Anyway, at her advice I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor. I got in Monday after calling Friday afternoon (awesome), got my blood work done, and just like I suspected, my thyroid is in a normal range after going off of my medication this last month. We are keeping a really close eye on it to make sure it stays where it needs to.

This means that I can start cycling without delay as long as my cyst is gone by my day 3 ultrasound! I start aygestin tomorrow, for 10 days, and then the official get me knocked up cycle begins!!

I never thought I would be ready this soon after having B (who just turned 9 months. Holy crap time flies). And, honestly, after the labor I went through I did not think I would be able to do it again. Ever.

Part of the reason we decided we're ready again is because I have learned over the last three years that I should not waste precious opportunities. We still have amazing insurance coverage that covers all my ultrasounds, bloodwork, and medications (including follistim and trigger shots). I am not ignorant to how blessed we are to have this coverage and I want to take advantage of it.

Also, who knows when my fertility will take an even bigger nosedive? I do not want to waste precious time and then find out my window has passed. So while I am a little petrified of trying to be pregnant with a toddler, and having a newborn and a toddler at the same time... I would rather have it now than look back 5 years down the road and realize my opportunity passed.

So, I am scared, but I am ready.

I still have some fears about baby number 2. I wonder how I could possibly love another baby as much as I love B (he fills my heart in a way I never thought possible). I am scared that I won't. My best friend assures me my heart will grow.

I am fearful that B will feel neglected (obviously we will do everything in our power for that to not be the case), but I worry about his feelings when he is used to having me and the husband's full attention.

I think these fears are natural, though. I think they are normal (even for fertile women) and I am sure that I will work it out when the time comes.

Right now, though, in this time... I am really excited to be cycling again.

I feel the hope growing with every day that passes.