ICLW

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page (the one with the dog). 

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!

The bad blogger award goes to.... ME!!!

This last week or so has been a huge whirlwind and I've barely had time to catch my breath!

Tuesday was the husband and my wedding anniversary but it was also another big day for us. We found out the gender of the lil nug!! :)

Turns out... we're having a BOY!!!

I was truly shocked. I thought with everything in me that we were having a girl. To the point where I got really pretty upset with myself the night before the ultrasound because I had been leaning so hard towards a girl and I did NOT want to be disappointed in any way after all it took for us to get to this point.

So, when the ultrasound tech said it looks like a boy, I was shocked but I was in NO WAY disappointed. It definitely takes some getting used to. If you can't tell I'm super girly (if the hot pink blog didn't clue you in) and I do feel a bit lost thinking about how to raise a boy. But as my husband says, That's what he is there for!

I am so excited and ready to shop! I am also so relieved that the baby looks great and he is measuring right on track to the very day. My ob says that's a little unusual and usually things are either measuring a few days ahead or behind but this baby is just right on time.

I hope that speaks highly of his future punctuality!

At the end of the day, all I can say is:

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!!!!!!!

Then

In two days my two year wedding anniversary will be here.

It feels like time as flown.

I'll be brutally honest here... the first year was harder than I ever thought it could be. I thought our first year would be so easy because we lived together before we got married. Not the case, my friends.

There were times when I really wondered if we would make it. We had huge challenges and struggles that a lot of people never have to deal with (think clomid).

This second year has had it's challenges but it has truly been easier than the first. I feel like the husband and I have been at such a good place. We've learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We've definitely learned to communicate more effectively and we've learned to be more understanding of the other. We've learned to give each other more grace.

Every single day we choose to love each other. I look at him and think that I would choose this man every single day over and over again, no matter what.

We're definitely not perfect in all that we do but we've come a long way.

I can honestly say that each year with him is better than the last. Each day I wake up next to this man I count myself incredibly blessed. He makes me laugh and listens to my crazy rants, takes incredible care of me and even spoils me with purses and back rubs.

I don't know that I can ask much more than that!

He's also pretty damn cute!

Happy Anniversary, Baby!! I love you more today than I ever thought possible!!

Makes Me Wonder

My Dad was just in town for a visit. 12 whole days.

It was a good visit but having a guest for that long... well, it's a long time!

I have mixed feelings right now. I am all over the place with how I feel. I've never had a great relationship with my Dad. It's been a lot of hurt and hope and disappointment.

I'm slowly but surely trying to find a way to trust that he is trying to have a relationship with me and not wall myself off. After 25 years of being let down... it's not that easy. But I'm trying.

The husband and I went to start our baby registry this last weekend and when we got back to the apartment I was talking to my Dad about all the things we need and how expensive they are.

He told me that he had $1000 set aside for the baby. That he wanted to buy the crib and mattress and crib bedding. He didn't want to just give us money because he wanted to feel like he was getting an actual gift for the baby.

I was shocked. I almost didn't even have anything to say and I finally stuttered out a thank you.

This is the man who once sent me the same DVD 3 years in a row for my birthday while getting my brother things like kayaks. (Ok, I swear I'm not jealous of my brother at all, or materialistic... I was just very hurt at the differences).

This is the man who once (many years ago) refused to lend me $50 when I was short on a bill because he wanted to give money to my brother to pay for his ski trip.

I never asked him for anything after that.

So when out of nowhere he made this announcement I was stunned. And I honestly did not know how to react.

He later told my husband privately that he'd really like us to get a video camera with the rest of the money so we could send him videos of the baby.

This made me cry.

And, yes, I am crying while I write this.

I, literally, don't know who this person is and I have no idea how to react to it at all.

Honestly, a tiny itty bitty part of me is wondering where this person was 28 years ago and why my birth wasn't as momentous. And, maybe I am a tiny bit jealous, too.

But the majority of me is happily stunned that this baby is already so loved and will get the chance at a relationship with my Dad that I never had.

I look forward to seeing how their relationship plays out.

And I find myself wondering if people really can change?

Surf Wax America

I know I haven't been around in awhile and it may still be a bit. There is a lot going on and I am super busy.

But until then, here is this....

MY DAD!! He's here visiting for a few weeks and today I convinced him to take this picture. It makes me laugh so much.

What's made you laugh lately?

I'm NOT too Sexy

Today marked a milestone in my life.

I hope.

Today, I do believe I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I hope. Please, God, let this be it.

After being a hermit for 9 long days and not leaving my house once (I'm kinda proud of that) I ventured out today. Grocery shopping needed to be done and errands needed to be run.

All was going well until I was in the grocery store, looking at the seafood (for my husband, not me. I hate seafood) when something happened. Something horribly familiar.

I froze in my moment of panic and looked around and realized that I had two choices in front of me. My Coach purse or the floor.

The choice was obvious.

I doubled over and puked all over the floor. I lost my lunch right there in the middle of a crowded grocery store and people were all around. And I couldn't stop.

When I was done I hightailed it. I didn't know what else to do. I just ran. A little old lady started chasing me yelling and asking if I was alright but I was simply too humiliated to stop.

And now.... Now I need to find a new grocery store because obviously I can never go there ever again.

I would just like to let the Universe know that I have officially reached my lifetime cap on embarrassing moments. So, Universe, give the rest you had stored up for me to someone else. I don't need them anymore.

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.

I just want to take a moment and reflect on that. I also want to say how incredibly grateful I am to be at this point. I am overwhelmed.

This last week or so has been a little hectic. I went to my first ob appointment and I was less than thrilled with the OB. She was pretty rude the whole time and pretty much called me a liar and also did not seem to understand PCOS and all that went with it. She was a... treat.

I did get an ultrasound, though.

This is the lil nug at 11 weeks. This ultrasound really hit me in such a more emotional way than the others before it. Even more than seeing and hearing the heartbeat because at this ultrasound I got to see the lil nug MOVE. It was... unbelievable. There was my tiny little baby wiggling around and waving it's tiny arms and legs. It truly looked like it was dancing. And it's really starting to look like a REAL baby! It was an amazing moment. 

Needless to say I decided to ditch that Ob, though. She was a real bitch. I got set up with another OB and I really like him so I think we'll stick with him. 

Other than doctor appointments this last week has been mostly about me staying in bed. I got a migraine that kept me down for a day and my nausea has made a reappearance which has kept me pretty useless the last week. 

I wanted to be pregnant for such a long time. I knew there were aspects to pregnancy that would not be easy and would challenge me but I think I also majorly romanticized it. I thought if I can just get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy than nothing else will matter. And to a certain extent that is absolutely true. I am thrilled to be pregnant. 

But, physically, this is hard. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. This isn't me complaining about being pregnant at all. This is me being completely realistic. It is just... hard. 

Now, would I trade any of the difficulty? Absolutely not. Because the end reward will be worth it times a thousand. But I definitely glossed over the difficult aspects of this in my mind and I have most assuredly gotten my reality check!!!

In other news, I am changing my degree plan. I was working on my associates and then when finished with that was going to transfer to my Bachelor's but I decided to go ahead and switch over to my bachelor's program now. The classes are shorter and I will be able to make my schedule a little more family friendly. 

My husband will be done with his last class of his degree soon and I can't wait until he can take a break from school and just relax a little. He has been in school non-stop for over three years only taking two weeks off a year and I can't wait to see him be able to relax and enjoy himself for a bit. He works way too hard. 

Again, this post was a little all over the place and had no real theme or goal. Sorry I've been so scattered. Hopefully as I get into this second trimester I will be feeling more like myself and be more dedicated. Until then, I'm thinking about you all and I can't wait to hear about more BFP's!!!! 

I'm not Dead

So I have been a really bad blogger lately.

Between trying to be a good student (semi-successful), being a good wife and getting dinner on the table every night (VERY unsuccessful) and keeping my house from being a complete wreck and doing laundry (dude. COMPLETE FAILURE); I have let a few things slip through the cracks. Sorry about that.

There are a couple things I've been thinking about these last few weeks on my blogging break. The first is that I am ready to put my pregnancy guilt aside and start celebrating this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am, ALWAYS, still pulling for all of you but for me, it is time to embrace this time in my life.

The first step was donating my unused follistim to my clinic to be given to a couple who really, really needed it. It was my personal leap of faith that this pregnancy will be 100% successful. My husband was reluctant to let them go that soon but once I explained to him why I needed to do it he was on board.

I hope that my good luck was sent along with my meds to someone who really needs it.

Also, we made our first baby purchase a few weeks ago. It was just a onesie and matching bib but it was fun to be finally investing myself fully in this miracle.

Yep. We bought a thanksgiving onesie. I could not find anything else that was gender neutral that I could get on board with. Gender neutral baby clothes tend to lean towards a lot of yellow and ducks. 

A few of you have asked what was in my graduation bag and it wasn't too exciting but I did get a few magazines, samples and a few diapers in a nice blue canvas bag with my clinic's motto on it "Where dreams are conceived."

Anyway, this post is a little bit all over the place and kind of a catch all with no real theme but I do promise not to be so absent in the future!

A Perfect Moment

We got to see the lil nug again the other day. Everything is right on track and perfect. Heart rate was 180 and I got much more emotional this time around hearing that heartbeat. I don't think it sunk in with me last time that it was truly what I was hearing. 

I am now officially released from my clinic and I even got a graduation gift bag. That made me laugh. I had no idea there were graduation gifts beyond a healthy pregnancy and baby.

My first OB appointment isn't until January 25 and hopefully everything will still be look excellent then, too. 

Life is not Fair

This is something that I have come to realize more and more lately.

Obviously, it was something that I lamented over the long 21 months that the husband and I tried to conceive. It was often a battle cry for me, "This isn't FAIR!" and "Why me?!".

Now that I have achieved the goal of getting pregnant and everything seems to be going very well I am still asking the same questions.

I feel it isn't fair that I am here carrying my dream when there are so many of you out there who are not. My heart aches for all of you so much. I think when I was going through infertility myself my heart was aching too much for myself for there to be room for it to ache for all of you. And now I am here, heart breaking that so many of you haven't made it here yet.

I do believe that you will all have your families. I do. With everything in me I know that all of us will end up with our happy families in the end. One way or another. We're too determined and deserving. I just have to believe that this will happen for all of us. One way or another.

I just had to get this out. I had to let you all know that as happy as I am for myself (and make no mistake I am crazy happy for my good luck) I am still thinking of all of you and praying for you every single day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I am pulling for each and every one of you.