Love the Way You Lie

I lied.

I said in the last post I would only post that one belly picture but I completely forgot about our maternity pictures. I got them back yesterday and yes, I am going to have to post some.

In other news, I am 37 weeks 1 day. Full term!!! I am trying not to freak out about the whole pushing a pumpkin out of my hot pocket thing and at the same time I am so, so ready to get this kid out and meet him!!!

The hospital bag... still a work in progress. I do not know why it is so difficult for me to get this bag packed. It's half done and every time I go to finish it I think about how I would rather take a nap instead.

I am done with my class this coming Monday and I am so glad. This has been such a tough class for me. The actual class and assignments have not been that hard but the instructor is not my favorite and I've had no feedback from him and that is really frustrating. I feel like I haven't learned anything from him and combine that with really wanting to be done for a few months it's been a little overwhelming and frustrating.

I just need this baby to stay in until next Tuesday when class is officially done and then he can come ANYTIME he wants. The sooner the better! :)

We are so happy and so excited and cannot wait to meet this little man!!!

She's in Love with the Boy

Here is my one and only belly picture that I will post here.

I'm getting really excited to meet this little man.

35 Weeks 5 Days

Survey Madness

So I've seen this on a couple blogs and I've been meaning to do it for a couple months, so here goes...

How far along? 35 weeks 3 days
How big is baby?  According to the WTE around 6 lbs. 
Total weight gain/loss: I am still down about 16 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight
Best moment this week: Realizing that we have less than 5 weeks left!
Movement: He's moving all the time, mostly when I am laying down or eating. Which is pretty often.
Symptoms: Extreme hip pain, back pain, and fatigue. Also it's pretty hot out, so I overheat pretty easily.
Symptoms I DON'T have: The nausea and migraines from early pregnancy are gone.
Food cravings: chocolate cake, pasta, fried green tomatoes, and steak.
Food aversions: bacon. gross. And dairy makes me sick.
Gender: Boy. It's been confirmed on three different ultrasounds, so we're pretty confident. 
Labor Signs: None, really. I've had some braxton hicks but that's it. 
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What I miss: sleeping without waking up to pee every hour and being able to shave my own legs. :)
What I am looking forward to: Everything! Finishing up the nursery, meeting this little man, and eating ice cream again. Mmm. 
Milestones: Packing the hospital bag and finishing up the nursery. :)

Gone

It's July.

JULY.

This means I'm having a baby NEXT MONTH!!!!!

Holy crap!! Where the hell did the last 8 months go?!?

The anxiety may be starting to set in...

Not Falling Apart

Yesterday started out as a normal day.

I got up, took the husband to work so I could have the car for the day, headed to my doctor appointment, ran errands and came home.

Yesterday afternoon, though, it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. And my Dr. had a little trouble finding his heartbeat at my appointment that morning.

I did my best to remain calm. I really have not freaked out about anything since this pregnancy started. So I drank a large glass of orange juice and laid down on my side like they recommend to get the baby moving.

I laid down for an hour, switching sides, and nothing was happening. He wasn't moving at all.

Cue major freak out. I got in the car and started driving to my husband's office. I called him crying and told him what was happening and he had me call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me to head to the hospital.

I was pretty much hysterical. I got to my husband's office and we headed to the hospital.

They got me in pretty quickly and got me on the monitors. They found his heartbeat right away. They were showing me his movements on the monitors and I still couldn't feel him moving at all. They monitored him and me for a couple hours and in that time I only felt him once at the very end (and after a nurse came and started pressing on my belly) and according to the monitors he was moving constantly.

They did the ultrasound and apparently his back has turned to my belly and his hands and feet are facing my back making it more difficult for me to feel him move. My placenta also moved and is blocking some of his movements.

So, I'm not crazy. Or hormonal and over-reacting. Thank goodness.

I was so afraid I would go in and they would treat me like I was a hysterical, hormonal, crazy woman. But they didn't. They said I did all the right things by drinking the juice and lying down and when it didn't work, coming in. That made me feel so much better. I am so impressed by the staff at our hospital and I am now more happy than ever that we have chosen that hospital for this little man to be born at.

At the end of the night I was absolutely exhausted and could barely bring myself to drag myself into bed.

I am so thankful for my husband who was amazing through the whole thing and stayed very calm which calmed me down, too. He was just what I needed to keep me from going over the deep end (at least more than I already had). I love him and I am so grateful for him.

When it's all said and done, the little man is ok, perfect even, and although I was scared out of my mind for a few hours I will take that scare and the positive results over the alternative.

Now, I need no more scares for the next 7 1/2 weeks!!!!

Better Than This

Well, I guess I should stop apologizing for being a craptastic blogger. It is what it is. Things are, as always, crazy busy.

As I type I am sitting in our brand new townhouse that we have not even moved into yet waiting while my cable and internet gets hooked up. We move this weekend and I am so excited to be in our new place. It doesn't hurt that it's much bigger than our apartment and LESS rent. Score.

Pregnancy wise I am over 30 weeks along now and going to the doctor every two weeks. I am in disbelief that I am this far along already! It seems like it has flown by and it's starting to hit me that I have less than ten weeks left and so much left to do and buy.

PCOS wise I am SYMPTOM FREE!!! Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have lost about 20 pounds. That occasionally fluctuates month to month but stays pretty consistent. I have had no skin breakouts in about 3 months and, this is one of the best parts.... I haven't had a man beard or had to wax my face in 2 MONTHS!!!

I talked to my doctor about it and he said it is very common for PCOS symptoms to disappear during pregnancy and while breastfeeding and that is most likely the cause of such a drop in my weight. Thank God!! And don't worry, I wasn't skinny to begin with so it's perfectly fine for me to be losing weight right now. :)

Basically, my plan is start working out like crazy after this little man gets here and hope my PCOS symptoms stay away and I can get a really great headstart on losing weight and managing this damn disease. I am REALLY excited about the possibilities!!

I have posts that I have been thinking about writing but haven't gotten around to yet... like about my baby shower. Maybe I'll have the time after this move is done.

Hiatus

I think pregnancy has turned me into an awful blogger.

Things have been so incredibly busy and quite honestly, my last class kind of kicked my ass. I'm glad for it to be over and onto the next one.

I did, however, notice that my last two posts were completely centered around penises. Hmmm. I guess it was a nice break from the year's worth of posts about my ovaries and uterus.

Speaking of my uterus, I am 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Officially in my third trimester! I am so overwhelmed, grateful and humbled to be here. It has been an amazing journey so far.

I have looked back over the years and months it took me to get here and I wonder if I would change anything. Would I change my experiences and wish the infertility away?

I don't think I would. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure so far in this life but it honestly taught me so much. The biggest was to be thankful for every moment.

Every night I lay down to go to sleep and I feel this little boy moving inside my stomach and kicking and punching and rolling and I am so incredibly thankful. This is a blessing that is so truly wonderful and if I had not gone through what I did (and what I most likely will in the future if we want more kids) I would not have the perspective I have now.

I hope it makes me the mommy that I truly want to be.

Things you Shouldn't Shriek in Public

Number One: "Oh my god!! I'm growing a PENIS!!"

You should especially not shriek this in a very crowded Target and most especially not if you're a woman wearing baggy clothes and the strangers who gape at you can't tell you're pregnant with a boy and don't realize you're on your cell phone.

Trust me on this one, people.

Great Balls of Fire

WARNING: If you are at all easily shocked, offended or super conservative you should probably stop reading right now. 


This last weekend my in laws came into town. They are really great and I always enjoy spending time with them. Saturday we decided to go to the beach so the Husband and his Dad could fish and we could lay out. 


My husband had found a beach that we hadn't been to before and had gotten good reviews so we decided to try something new. 


We just didn't know how new it was going to be. 


We walked over the boardwalk at the beach and immediately noticed that 90% of the people were naked. Very, very naked. 


We went by accident but when we walked on and noticed all the nekkids we also noticed that it wasn't too crowded, there were no screaming kids, and people were fishing from the shore. All a plus. So we decided to stay in spite of the penis free for all. 

We were there for an hour or two and my husband and FIL were in the water fishing and me and the MIL are laying out (in bathing suits, just to be clear) when a very tan man wearing only a tight fitted crop top and a fringed straw hat comes strolling up to us. Basically he asks if it's our first time there and why we're not naked and how we should strip down and get an all over tan. 

Let me just say this... We were sitting. He was not. And he was right on the edge of my towel. And uncircumcised. (first uncircumcised man I've ever seen in person AND he was NOT young at all). Finally, he went on his merry way. 

It was awkward to say the least. 

We laughed about it and moved on. We were there for almost 5 hours and there were way too many penises for my taste but I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts so thankfully I couldn't see much. 

We were packing up to leave and I put my glasses on (really why did I need to do that?!?) and my MIL points out something interesting...

An old couple GOING AT IT. 

And by going at it I mean her legs were spread WIDE as they could go and he had his face buried in her crotch and his ass in the air. To say the least, we were ALL in shock. And then... 

Old man penetrates. And he is full on sticking it to his little old lady wife. They are not even TRYING to hide or be discreet. Full out on the beach in front of EVERYONE geriatric sex. 

So yeah. That's what I did with my in laws this last weekend. 

What did you guys do!?!?

20 Weeks and More

This week I hit the 20 week mark.

I am humbled and amazed to be at this point. It seems like the time has just sailed by and it's making me realize that this second half will, too.

I never, ever thought that I would just coast through a pregnancy like this. I truly expected for there to be problems with this pregnancy to worry and stress over. Partly because of my mother's history of miscarriages and partly because I think, as an infertile woman, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my body to fail me yet again.

But... it didn't. I am here. There hasn't been one thing to be concerned about at all. No spotting, no unusual cramping, nothing. I am truly amazed and humbled at my good fortune.

I've also managed to stay pretty calm. I haven't freaked out at the slightest twinges or aches and pains. I've taken everything in stride.

I think my husband is a little shocked by that.

This pregnancy has been easy for the most part but their have been some rough moments. Physically your body goes through so many changes and even when you know about them beforehand, when it's happening to you, it can be a little rough. I'm thankful for each moment but I'm even more thankful to be past the puking multiple times a day moments!!

I think that I've been shying away from blogging because I'm scared of the judgment. When I was going through treatment all the misconceptions and judgments about what I was doing and how far I was willing to go for a baby hurt me. A lot. I was hurt when family members wouldn't acknowledge it or would make offhand comments invalidating what we were going through and I was hurt by people's ignorance. And shocked.

Now, I find that there is no judgment like there is for a pregnant woman and as a parent. It's especially evident on the internet. People will spew the nastiest comments towards anyone they think isn't doing a good job as a parent (for example, the breastfeeding vs. formula debate) whether their child is born or not. I am astounded at the audacity of people. It has made me nervous to be completely honest about how I feel, the things I do, and how I plan on raising my child.

It has all made me a shy blogger when I wasn't before.

I'm also worried about being judged by my fellow infertiles.

Because, you know what? I DID post my pee stick on Facebook. And I DO put ultrasound pictures up. And I DO talk about being pregnant. I try to be careful not to do it constantly but it is my life and this is what is happening in it right now. And I posted those pictures because I spent two years being jealous of those pictures and it felt like a right of passage.

A right of passage that I'd been longing for. So, no, I didn't deny myself those small pleasures. I felt like I earned them.

A few months ago I read a blog post by someone (I can't remember who now) absolutely blasting women who did these things, calling them stupid and lame. I read on Twitter all the time posts against doing these things. The bitterness is actually a little scary. I was kind of shocked when I first saw things like this.

I remember all too well being hurt when people made pregnancy announcements. I would take time to rail and rant and ask 'Why not me?'. But I think I was only truly angry about them when it was someone who I thought would not be a good parent (yeah, I know, judgmental. We all do it). When I saw someone who was abusive or neglectful fall pregnant... that was so much harder.

But when did this community get to a place where women rail against other women who are proud and excited to become mommies?

It bothers me. It always has.

Does it absolutely suck that some women and couples get pregnant with no problems and some of us struggle and go through unbelievable heartbreak? Yes. It does. Unquestionably.

But shouldn't we be thankful and glad at the same time that these babies are being welcomed into a home that is filled with such love and excitement at their arrival?

My best friend in the world happens to be one of the most fertile women on the planet. She's 39 weeks with her second son right now and both times she tried to get pregnant it happened on the first month. Let me tell you, I was and am jealous of her reproductive organs. (She's also skinny and gorgeous... hello salt on an open wound).

When she called me and told me she was pregnant last August it was hard. Really hard. She knew how hard it would be for me. She had been by my side through everything, which is why she called me before posting it on Facebook. I fought back my tears as I congratulated her. And when I got off the phone I cried like I had never cried before. Not because I wasn't happy for her but because I was sad for myself. My heart broke that night because I wanted what she had so much.

At the same time, I never begrudged her right to post about pregnancy and put up those ultrasound pictures because I know what a great and wonderful mommy she is. I could feel her excitement and love for that baby with every post. And it made me so happy to see her family growing.

All this to say that all these feelings and being scared of judgment has turned me into a shy and infrequent blogger. But no more. I am here and these are my feelings and life. I may lose followers (I actually already have lost many... there really is something to it when people get pregnant after a struggle... the support, the love, and the commenting go away for the most part. It's kind of isolating.); but I am going to post how I feel.

Judgment be damned.