Jumbled

My mind is in a jumble.

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.

I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.

I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.

I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.

Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).

Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.

Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas

I hope that the Holiday season has been Merry and Bright for all of you!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

ICLW

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page.

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

Baby Mine

Just ONE lil nug in there!!!

We saw AND heard the heartbeat and the Doctor said everything looks perfect!!! :)

I go in two weeks from now for one more ultrasound to make sure we're still right on track and then I'm released to a regular OB.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today I wrote my first blog post. I was on my second day of my first dose of clomid.

When I look back over this year and all that has happened and how far we have come I feel so humbled and blessed.

This last year has definitely had its ups and downs. I cried more tears than I thought possible but at the end of the day I ended up just where I wanted to be... with a husband I love more and more everyday and a baby in my belly.

What more can I ask for?

Thank you all for following my journey and for all the support and love I've gotten over the last year has astounded me. I love following your stories and I hope and pray that we all end up with our heart's desires.



Please feel free to follow and like me on Twitter and Facebook.

Because We Can

The other day I was walking through Target and I let myself do something that I haven't let myself do in a very long time.

I walked through the baby section.

At first, as I walked through I felt sad because I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to buy things from this section for myself and my baby.

And then I remembered... Oh yeah. I'm pregnant!

As I continued on through I really felt like an intruder. I felt like I was in trespassing and about to eat the forbidden fruit. I found myself glancing over my shoulder waiting for someone to tell me to get out because I obviously was not a mommy and not allowed. I felt like an intruder.

I reached out and was about to buy myself a plain pack of white onesies (gender neutral people) and I couldn't do it. I felt like I didn't deserve to buy something like that yet.

courtesy of google images

This pregnancy has not sunk in yet (despite the rapidly increasing morning sickness).

I don't feel like I belong in the pregnancy club.

But I don't feel like I belong in the infertility club either, anymore.

I feel like I am in a bit of a no man's land and I am hoping I find where I fit soon.

Both Sides Now

First, I want to thank all of you so much for all the love and support I've gotten over the last few days. I am truly overwhelmed and grateful to share my story with all of you.

For the last few days I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want to handle this pregnancy here on the blog. I want to handle it with sensitivity and I also want to rejoice and celebrate this time in my life.

Let's be honest here, there is a gushing pregnant woman inside me dying to get out. I want to celebrate this time in my life and be able to document the milestones of my pregnancy. And I feel like I deserve that. I worked for this pregnancy. I poured my heart and soul into the process of getting here and I earned it. I do not want to ignore that and I do not think I should have to.

At the same time, I know how much of a blow positive pregnancy tests are to all of you who are still in the trenches. I know how it makes you ache and ask 'why not me?' Even when it is someone who deserves that BFP it is still a hard blow. I know that. It is something that I struggled with for almost two years.

And I will be a little more honest here.... I have a bit of survivors guilt. I feel a little guilty that I got here when all of you wonderful women are still fighting to get here. I wish I could express how much I want this for all of you.

I also want to keep this blog true to what it started as. It started out as a way to document my journey with infertility and to parenthood. At it's core this blog is about infertility and the struggles that go along with it and while I want to recognize and revel in my pregnancy I do not want to forget my roots.

So, please, bear with me as I struggle to find the right line between pregnancy and the last two years that brought me to this moment.

Infertility Support Group

If any of you are in the Orlando area tomorrow night is our last Resolve Infertility Support Group of the year.

It is so helpful to meet with women/couples who truly understand what you are going through.

If anyone would like to attend please email me at sparklesandfairytales@gmail.com for more information.

We would LOVE to have you!!

Beta Time

2nd beta at 20 dpo: 1704!!

I think this lil nug is here to stay!! :)

Do you Believe in Magic?

Because I officially do!

That's right! I am PREGNANT!!

And in complete shock!!

I was SO convinced that this last cycle was just not going to work and I stopped caring. I literally had the next cycle planned all out and knew I could cycle without Christmas interfering. It's just how it was going to go. I didn't test once, didn't even think about it. So when I didn't start at exactly 17 dpo like I always do (I have a consistent 16 day luteal phase) I was also convinced that my body was messing with me and I was starting to get really pissed off.

But a tiny, tiny voice in my head said... what if?

So I waited it all out on Wednesday analyzing every twinge and cramp convinced that I would start any minute because I was cramping steadily... not hard or super painful, just constant.

I took a bubble bath with a good book and I took myself to bed.

I woke up at 5 am on Thursday and had to pee and made myself stay in bed as long as I could because I was trying to delay the inevitable negative.

The test turned positive before I even got the cap on it! I was in such SHOCK!!! I was just standing in my bathroom shaking and saying 'Holy sh*t!!' over and over and over again.

I went in for my first beta at 9:30 in the morning and when the nurse called she said, 'honey, you should lay down and take a nap because you are very, very pregnant.'

WHAAAAT?!?

First beta: 543
Progesterone: greater than 20
Due Date: August 16, 2011

I have my second beta on Saturday (and since I am setting this to auto-post I will already have those results and will update you all asap).

I wanted to share with all of you right away but now that this lil blog is so much more public and connected to facebook I didn't want my in-laws to see it because we are telling them in person this weekend.

I am so overwhelmed and this really does not seem real, yet. At all. But one thing I do know is I am so, so grateful.

After 21 months of trying my dream is finally coming true. Thank you God.

The Good Life

I've definitely calmed down after my angry rant the other day. I'm calmer and in a better place but I still stand behind that rant because those feelings were and are so real and I think it's important to recognize that anger that we've all felt going through this journey.

But, on a more positive note, this weekend I will be travelling to Savannah, GA to celebrate this man and his amazing accomplishments.

He is graduating with his Bachelor's degree this Sunday and I could not be more proud of him and how hard he has worked.

I cannot WAIT to watch my baby walk that stage!

I love my husband more and more each day and I will never know how I got so lucky to marry someone as amazing as he is!!

Can't Fight this Feeling

I am angry. Very, very angry.

And annoyed and irritated and frustrated and overwhelmed.

And I probably shouldn't be blogging and sending all this negativity out but I'm going to do it anyway.

I am angry at this stupid effing disease. It is all SO UNFAIR. I am angry that it affects me and is tearing the chance to be a mommy away from me. I am angry that it affects my husband and takes away his chances for a baby together. I am angry that it affects friends of mine who deal with it, as well. I am really angry that it even exists.

I am angry that people, in an effort to be nice and supportive, say dumbass things that are actually condescending and hurtful. (and yes, that makes me sound really bitchy because they all mean well, but there it is)

I am so angry that people who don't love their children are able to have them and I am not. And yes, that's judgmental. Sue me. But I see so many people who are AWFUL to their children or constantly complain about them and that is all I want in the world. All I want is to be able to have a child. And all these people are able to and I am not. That makes me angry.

I only want one. Is that too much to ask!?!?!

I am angry and frustrated that I can't fix certain problems for my family. I feel powerless and overwhelmed that I am not there to help and that makes me feel awful.

And worried. I am worried. I am so worried about what my life will look like with no children. As I have stated before we do not feel like adoption is the way to go for us so if I don't get pregnant... that's it. I am worried about my ability to face that impending truth.

I am worried that I will never be able to let this go. And THAT makes me angry.

I am a ball of anger and negative emotion right now.

I don't know how to get out of this funk.

Yesterday...

the baby fever won!!

We went to Petsmart on a Saturday and just HAD to walk by the adoption center. I saw this little face and fell in love. My husband promptly adopted her for me for Christmas.

She's adorable. And I have something small and squidgy to pour all my baby fever into right now. I needed that. I need a place to put all this...

Anyway, meet Daphne!! She's pretty awesome! :D

Oh god, she's SO CUTE! Forget blogging, I am going to go snug this lil baby right now!! :)

This Cycle is Wack

Tonight the husband and I put up the Christmas Tree. Yes, it's capitalized. Because it makes me extremely happy. I love Christmas. I've always loved it but since me and the husband started dating in November way back when Christmas makes me think of the stunning, quick, tumble into love and how fascinated we were with each other. It was that exciting time of the relationship where everything is butterflies and tingles. I truly fell in love with him over the holiday season. It just makes this time of year even more special to me.

As for my cycle, I triggered on the Sunday before Thanksgiving so that makes me... 11 dpo and on cycle day 24. I, literally, just had to pull up the calendar on my computer to count that out. I have not kept track of a single thing about this cycle. I made all the right moves, swallowed my pills right on time, injected when I was supposed to, got busy when told... But other than that it's really like I'm not cycling at all, right now. Honestly, it's been a huge relief.

And, really, I'm not a new and improved more zen person. I think I've just truly gotten to the place where I just don't think it's possible anymore.

Tonight while we were decorating the tree the husband mentioned that he was planning on buying me an ornament but he was waiting to hear if there would be baby news first. I said, "Don't hold your breath."

He asked why.

"Because I'm not pregnant and honestly, I don't think I ever will be. It's just not going to happen."

I've lost all hope. I'm not upset or devastated. I'm truly apathetic and I truly believe that I will never be pregnant. But I keep on cycling. Because, I can, I guess. Everything is covered by insurance, even my meds, so why not?

But, really, I don't think I'm a more peaceful person. I've given up in every way except physically. Physically I am still on the cycle train but emotionally and mentally I am still at the depot. I am just not invested in this game anymore.

Yet, I still know I will cycle next month when this cycle inevitably fails.

Like, I said, this cycle is wack.

Or maybe it's just me.

25 to Life

I am safely home from Boston. It was a good trip and I was excited to share that part of my childhood with my Husband. He loved Boston and I loved showing it to him.

The trip itself brought up a lot of emotions in me. I spent every summer in New England growing up visiting my Dad, Aunts, and Grandparents. My parents split up when I was three months old and when we were old enough my brothers and I spent a month of every summer there with our family.

For me, when a school year would end I was, of course, excited about summer vacation but it was more about seeing my Dad. I only saw him once or twice a year at the most and those summer visits were so looked forward to. Every year I went out with my hopes and excitement soaring and every year I was disappointed. My Dad just wasn't the man and the father that I had built up in my head. I always ended up being sorely disappointed and left heartbroken.

There are way too many issues and circumstances for me to go into here but let's just say that he seemed much more interested in time with my brothers and I was left with whatever relative was free. I so badly wanted a Daddy and I never got one. Even through my teenage years I fought for a relationship with him and it just never seemed to happen.

In hindsight, I still have a very hard time forgiving the unintentionally cruel things that he said to me without thinking. Words can cut deep and leave lasting scars. But, overall, I think that he just had no idea what to do with a daughter. With my brothers they could go fishing and all that fun boy stuff but with me... I wanted glitter and mermaids and he had no idea how to deal with that. So he left it up to his sister and his parents.

Finally, when I was 25 I decided I was done. I was done trying to be close with him and I worked at trying to accept that we would only have a very surface relationship with no real meat to it.

When I was 25 I got engaged. And of course, I told my Dad and begged him to walk me down the aisle. He reluctantly agreed.

My wedding came around when I was 26 and he walked me down that aisle and even danced with me at the reception (after my new husband decided to take matters into his own hands and just have the father daughter dance announced and trapped him into it).

After the wedding, something changed. My Dad started calling me a lot. He checked in about once a week to see how I was. It was a strange shift and I had a hard time with it. I had written him off, I no longer had it in me to try. And most of all I didn't want my heart broken anymore. But he stayed consistent. He kept calling and it felt like he really wanted to make an effort to be in my life. So I let myself hope one more time. Hoping that this wouldn't be a repeat performance. But he kept calling and making an effort.

While my husband and I were in Boston my Dad pulled out an old box of letters that my brothers and I had written him growing up. Some were funny, and most of mine were utter ridiculousness. But throughout them all there was a desperate tone. From all three of us there were desperate pleas that you could read between the lines. Sometimes it wasn't even between the lines... Outright questions.

"Where are you?"
"Where are you living?"
"When will we see you next?"
"Please don't forget that I love you."

All of us, at some point, wrote these words.

In one memorable, melodramatic moment my 10 year old self apologized for being born and being the cause of the divorce.

All I could think as I read these letters is that all of us were desperate for this man to love us. It honestly took me back to all those feelings and broke my heart all over again.

My husband reminded me that he was still trying and I shouldn't shut down. So I struggled not to.

And I ended up having a great visit with my Dad. We hung out, we went and saw the sights and we laughed together.

My husband pointed out that my Dad and I have the same ridiculous sense of humor. It was a revelation to me. I had never considered that I would have something in common with this man who I had chased after my whole life.

And all I could think was... we finally share something. We can laugh together.

It's not the relationship that I yearned for growing up and it's not a replacement for the years of broken hearts and tears because I didn't have a Daddy. But it is a place to start.

My Dad will never be someone I can go to with every hurt and he will never be the one to comfort me when I cry. But we can laugh together.

And that's something, isn't it?