Too Damn Young

I know I haven't been around blog land in a while.

Overnight I went from being a mama to a one year old to the stepmom of a ten year old, an almost 8 year old with special needs, and still the mama to my little Bug and of course the little man in my belly (almost 26 weeks pregnant).

I will never share the full details of the situation here. For more than one reason. The first being that the children's privacy should always be protected, and for legal reasons.

But I can share my feelings, which honestly change daily, sometimes moment to moment.

Some days I am fine and I power through my day, cooking, cleaning, cooking again, loving on my boy, and doing stuff for and with the kids when they get home from school. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I usually fall into bed until my alarm wakes us up at 5:30 am (WTF).

Other days I struggle. I fight the tears and feel like I can't breathe and that I'm drowning. The enormity of the situation hits home and I am completely overwhelmed.

Being a mother has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Being a stepmom is different. It's scary and hard.

I love the kids and I want them to know that I love them and that I am there for them, but not that I am trying to replace their mother (which I, of course, am absolutely not). There are so many complicated emotions that come with this situation.

Being a stepmother to a child with special needs and who, at close to eight years old, is not potty trained is terrifying. I struggle everyday to find the patience to handle it. I fail all the time.

I'm doing my best, but I make mistakes all the time.

As for this new little man I am carrying, he is due to arrive exactly on my 30th birthday. I am still flabbergasted at how I ended up with 4 kids in my house by 30. I have no idea how this happened and how much my life has changed in the last year. It shocks me daily.

We also got a new minivan. I never EVER thought I would be driving a minivan, but ESPECIALLY not before 30. I am too damn young!

I sometimes feel I am too damn young to handle being a stepmother to these kids. I don't have the wisdom and experience to know how to handle what they have been through, and I feel lost.

I feel lost. And old. And too young all at the same time.

Through the nearly three years I've had this blog, one thing hasn't changed... my feelings are complicated and confusing.

Long, Overdue Update

I have done a great job at being way too busy for updating this blog.

Currently, I am nearly 20 weeks pregnant and it will be confirmed on Friday that it is indeed another BOY! :)

B also turned one 3 weeks ago. It was a lovely and bittersweet day. He amazes me everyday.

In other news, and the biggest reason why I have been so incredibly busy, my stepkids have come to live with us from Texas. When we got them we had a week to drive home to Florida from Texas (with three kids and a uhaul trailer), get them into the pediatrician, get them registered for school, buy them furniture, clothes and school supplies.

It was a busy, busy week.

Now, the amount of kids in my house has tripled (and come January another one will be added to the mix). My laundry has quadrupled and I finally have given into the fact that I HAVE to cook every night.

In the last two and a half weeks I have never been so insanely busy and on my feet in my life. In fact I've dropped nearly ten pounds in that time. I fall into bed everynight exhausted.

The schools here are insane. My stepdaughter's bus comes at 6:05 AM and my stepson's comes at 6:20. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!!? I have learned to make breakfast casseroles on Sunday nights and just heat some up in the mornings. It keeps things a little easier in the mornings.

Overall, it has been  HUGE adjustment, but I think we're all doing really well. We've started to settle into a routine and we're all getting our feet under us and getting used to our new normal.

We're very excited to have them here with us, although I'm so nervous to be adding a newborn into this mix in a few months. I'm terrified that this new baby is going to get lost in the shuffle. As a good friend's mom told me... Newborns have a way of not getting lost in the shuffle. She has a point.

Now I need to learn a thing or two about baby wearing. I have a feeling I'm going to need my hands free!!

Perpetuating the Myth

Last Thursday morning we went in for an ultrasound. This was the big one, the one where we would see if this little bun had a heartbeat.

We immediately saw it, and just as immediately I burst into tears of relief.

Let me tell you, crying during a vaginal ultrasound is its own special kind of awkward. Just sayin'.

Now that we have that out of the way I feel a huge sense of relief and joy in this pregnancy. I am excited for the future and can't wait to find out what we're having so I can start shopping.

This pregnancy was such a shock to us. We did not expect this, and although we were planning to start treatment soon, we did not plan on this happening right now. We thought we had a few months. At least.

And while I am overjoyed that this has happened and I didn't have to endure the follistim shots (and that I get to donate those back to my clinic) there is a part of me that is a little embarrassed.

What happened here, to us, this pregnancy... it perpetuates the myth.

Ever since my pregnancy with B (who is now officially 10 months old!) I have listened to people who don't know better tell me that I will get pregnant on my own now. My body knows what to do now and it will just happen.

I could not wrap my mind around the fact that just because I  have had one successful pregnancy that I would now ovulate and my PCOS would be fine. I mean, it doesn't even make sense! I have a disease. A disease that has been confirmed (again) AFTER the birth of my son.

It just so happens that I ovulated on my own in the month of April. For the first time since 2007. Let's take a moment to think about that. It's been 5 years since I ovulated without medical assistance.

AND it just so happens there was sexy time that weekend. Also another kind of miracle as our lives and B have taken over and there isn't always time made for recreational activities (or lets be honest, I'd rather sleep).

The odds at work here are insane.

Every infuriating cliche we've all heard happened to me. Shoot, I even had my hsg the same month.

So here I am. And I want to shout from the rooftops that natural pregnancies just don't happen after a pregnancy just because someone has been pregnant. It just... doesn't.

But it did. To us. And I have nothing to back up my firm belief that this doesn't happen to most people who struggle with infertility. We all wish it did. It would be nice if it did.

But it doesn't.

So here I am. Happy and joyful at our luck, but also completely embarrassed to be perpetuating the myth for everyone else.

Surprise!

Well, my life is crazy. REALLY crazy.

I got my day 22 progesterone on May 4. They called and told me it wasn't a true ovulation and to start my 10 day dose of aygestin to bring on my period.

I took all ten days and expected my period to show up about 3-4 days after I finished the dose.

Never showed.

I was getting so frustrated. I was angry at my body and that it wasn't responding to the medication and that I was having to deal with further problems with my body.

Finally after a week of a no show period my mind started thinking... maybe I should take a pregnancy test and then my period will show. We all know that's how it works.

Tuesday night around 9 PM I took a test.

It turned positive before I was even done peeing on it. Just like it did with B.

COMPLETE SHOCK.

I got in the next day for beta. Results came yesterday afternoon. 4888. Holy crap.

At first they told me that my hugh number indicated an ectopic pregnancy. I knew that it wasn't. I just knew.

Then they told me my progesterone was only 8.2. I freaked out. I obviously know how important progesterone levels are. When I was pregnant with B I had perfect progesterone levels. So I freaked out.

Thankfully, I already had some crinone in my bathroom and they started me on that immediately. Its gross but I don't care. Whatever I need to do.

This morning I went in for an ultrasound. The pregnancy is definitely in my uterus. The gestational sac was visible, as was the yolk sac. I'm measuring 5 weeks 6 days so it is still too early to see the baby or heartbeat. Also, my RE's ultrasound machine SUCKS. Big time. Even follicle checks are barely visible on that machine. I miss my old RE.

I got the call from the nurse this afternoon going over everything. Turns out they started using new progesterone kits at the end of April. The kits have different values (don't ask me to explain that because I don't understand it at all). So when they said my progesterone was under 5 on May 4 it was actually closer about 8 (indicating ovulation) and when they said it was 8.2 yesterday it's actually over 12.

It's still low for pregnancy and remains a concern but it's a lot better than 8.2!

So there you have it. We are pregnant with baby number 2. And it happened the old fashioned way... hurried, frantic sex before the baby starts crying.

Not very romantic, but definitely a wonderful gift. We are extremely grateful and hopeful.

You are my Joy

I haven't even started writing this post yet and I am already crying.

I feel so blessed. And grateful.

I didn't know how my first Mother's Day would hit me. I didn't know I would get so emotional and it's not even until tomorrow. I didn't know if I would have mixed emotions about the day.

Mostly, I cried as I rocked my son to sleep tonight because I cannot believe how incredibly blessed I am. He has turned my world upside down into a chaotic, messy, tornado. I wouldn't change a thing. He is my joy. If my heart could burst with love, it would.

I could not ask for more than my beautiful boy.

Today I cry with joy at my blessings.

But, I have not forgotten all of you still waiting.

Tomorrow I will think about every single one of you. You are not alone. I have not forgotten the journey that brought me to this place in my life. I have not forgotten all of the amazing women who stood by me on my journey and I stand with you now.

So, tomorrow, Mother's Day, I am thinking about all the expectant mommies, first time and seasoned mommies, the mommies who had to say goodbye too soon, and the mommies who are still waiting to say hello.

You are all in my heart and I am better for knowing you all.

Things are Happening

My new favorite time to blog is when I should be doing school work. It is really helping my GPA. Just kidding, I have a great GPA even if I am the worst procrastinator on the face of the planet.

First of all, my great friend over at Bumpy Journey, gave me a great recommendation on a doctor. We have become really great friends in real life over the last few months. Her baby, Oat, is five weeks older than B and we take Kindermusik classes together and do lunch after. I am so thankful for her friendship!

Anyway, at her advice I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor. I got in Monday after calling Friday afternoon (awesome), got my blood work done, and just like I suspected, my thyroid is in a normal range after going off of my medication this last month. We are keeping a really close eye on it to make sure it stays where it needs to.

This means that I can start cycling without delay as long as my cyst is gone by my day 3 ultrasound! I start aygestin tomorrow, for 10 days, and then the official get me knocked up cycle begins!!

I never thought I would be ready this soon after having B (who just turned 9 months. Holy crap time flies). And, honestly, after the labor I went through I did not think I would be able to do it again. Ever.

Part of the reason we decided we're ready again is because I have learned over the last three years that I should not waste precious opportunities. We still have amazing insurance coverage that covers all my ultrasounds, bloodwork, and medications (including follistim and trigger shots). I am not ignorant to how blessed we are to have this coverage and I want to take advantage of it.

Also, who knows when my fertility will take an even bigger nosedive? I do not want to waste precious time and then find out my window has passed. So while I am a little petrified of trying to be pregnant with a toddler, and having a newborn and a toddler at the same time... I would rather have it now than look back 5 years down the road and realize my opportunity passed.

So, I am scared, but I am ready.

I still have some fears about baby number 2. I wonder how I could possibly love another baby as much as I love B (he fills my heart in a way I never thought possible). I am scared that I won't. My best friend assures me my heart will grow.

I am fearful that B will feel neglected (obviously we will do everything in our power for that to not be the case), but I worry about his feelings when he is used to having me and the husband's full attention.

I think these fears are natural, though. I think they are normal (even for fertile women) and I am sure that I will work it out when the time comes.

Right now, though, in this time... I am really excited to be cycling again.

I feel the hope growing with every day that passes.

The Bitch is Back

I know. Once again I should apologize for being a crappy blogger.

Sorry, life has been extremely busy and when I do have time I always choose sleep over anything else.

But there are major things going on over here. Things I've been meaning to share for quite some time but haven't found the time to write about.

Right now I am supposed to be doing school work as the husband and the baby nap, so obviously I chose to blog instead. I am an excellent student.

So here is what is up.... We are officially TTC #2. We decided a few months ago that we did not want to wait an overly long amount of time so we made the plunge.

I have found a new RE. I miss my old one from Orlando SO MUCH, but the new one is good. He's not quite as awesome as Orlando, but he's agreed to follow the same protocol that got me pregnant with B even though it is not a protocol they often use at this clinic. So, I'm pretty happy about that. It took two cycles on the femara, follistim, and trigger shot plan to get me pregnant. I'm very hopeful that this will not take a long time.

I am currently in the middle of my diagnostic cycle. New Dr. wanted to redo tests since it has been two years since I've had them all done. I had my HSG done last week and it was much more painful than the first one. I was not expecting that, at all. But the results were that everything is perfect so I can't complain too much.

Now, here is the bad news. My crappy PCP messed up my thyroid. Pretty significantly. She upped my dose a few months ago because my TSH was a little elevated, although not above normal levels. When New Dr. checked my levels my TSH came back at .02. Low end of normal is .4. This is not good.

So now, new Dr does not want me cycling until my thyroid is at a normal level (they prefer under 2.5 but obviously, not this low). I understand why it needs to be at a normal level but I am SO frustrated at the delay.

I have officially been off my thyroid meds for a month in an effort to even out my levels. I called my PCP the other day to let them know what they did to me. They decreased my dose. Without doing any blood work whatsoever. They called in a new dose and told me they would retest me in 6 weeks. When I asked for blood work they told me no.

Does this strike anyone else as extremely irresponsible?! You messed me up before and now you're just putting me on a different dose without checking to see where I am at currently?! Needless to say I am not going back to them and have an appointment in the morning with a different Dr. I am hopeful that my levels have come back up in the last month.

So there it is in a nutshell. Life is crazy busy and it is a little difficult to fit appointments in around my school, my husband's work schedule (he travels quite a bit now) and B.

I committed the cardinal sin the other day. I took B with me to an appointment at the RE. I couldn't help it. My husband was out of town and I didn't have a babysitter. I felt awful sitting in the waiting room with him. And of course he took it as an opportunity to be babbling and laughing his little ass off. I kept trying to keep him quiet because I wanted to be as unobtrusive as possible. I know the hurt that comes with seeing a baby at an RE's office and I absolutely hated to do that to other women. But, I also don't want to start scrapping cycles because I don't have a babysitter seven times a month for monitoring appointments.

So, if you see me with my baby at the RE, PLEASE know that it is not my first choice and I am deeply sorry about the hurt we are causing you.

I will TRY my hardest to keep everyone updated on the TTC front.

Baby 2.0 is officially underway!

On the Move

I have a few thing I want to write about but haven't figured out how to yet. In the meantime, look what this guy learned to do!!

He is into everything and I am exhausted. :) 

Jumbled, Confused, and Hurt

Of course, you guessed it, this post is about PAIL.

I have so many thoughts concerning this issue that's popped up in this community the last few days.

First, I am sure you all see the link to PAIL on the side of my blog. So, you know that I do not see it as a hurtful action against others.

Before anything I want to clarify something. Joining PAIL does not, and never will, mean that I am leaving the ALI community behind and that I've 'moved on'. It simply means that I wanted to meet and connect with others who are in the same place as I am. That's it. It's a way to connect and build new relationships NOT leave old ones behind.

Fact: I follow and comment on more IF blogs than parenting or pregnancy blogs. I will ALWAYS be there for those still waiting on their babies. ALWAYS. Joining PAIL does not mean that I will remove my support from others. The insinuation that some will do that just because they listed their blog with PAIL is, frankly, disgusting and insulting.

Fact: Joining PAIL does not mean that blog posts are going to be in new places. They will still be in the same place. PAIL is simply a way to find new blogs and therefore new people that one might have something in common with. Basically, it's adding your blog link in a new place. That's it.

It is not a community that meets and gloats over their reproductive success.

The comments that have occurred in the last few days are atrocious. Comparing levels of infertility? Really?!? They make me sick to my stomach and has seriously shaken my faith in this community as a whole.

And when it comes to that... I have a huge problem with the bitterness in the ALI community. I understand it, I really do, but it also makes me cringe. I HATE HATE HATE the awful comments I see towards women who aren't reproductively challenged. Since when did this woman on woman hating become ok?

Since when is it okay to judge and be rude about women who are EXCITED to be pregnant and having a family?!? Shouldn't we all be rejoicing that a child is being born to someone who has so much love to give?

Would I get jealous when I saw all my friend get pregnant easily? Sure. ABSOLUTELY. But I was so thankful that they had so much love for their babies. I look up to these women who are so incredibly excited to expand their family that they cannot help but to share their love and excitement with others. I think THAT is amazing.

It's ok to be happy for others but sad for yourself. But there is a line.

You know what? Be angry at people who abuse their children, smoke through their pregnancies and generally don't take care of their kids. That makes me angry. And, I'll admit, extremely judgmental.

I am just sick to death of censoring myself here. I've been doing it since I got pregnant. And I've seen several comments and posts that said that some are offended at the thought of someone editing themselves in order to protect their feelings. So... at the advice of those people, I will not edit here.

It remains to be seen if I can handle the ugly comments and emails. If I can't then blogging is clearly not for me and I will shut this blog down. It is something that I will have to seriously consider as I move forward with this space.

Crazy In Love

I don't want my walls covered in art. I want them covered in memories.

Dancin' Away with my Heart

A little over four years ago I started dating this guy. 

He'd been pursuing me for a while and I finally caved and went out with him. I proceeded to have the best first date of my life (minus the part when I thought I was being kidnapped. That's a story for another day). 

A few weeks later he came over to my house for Thanksgiving and I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner for my family. This included my first Turkey. 

After dinner that guy was cleaning up (man... love it) and he looked at me and said "I saved the wishbone from the first turkey you ever cooked."

It was that moment that my heart officially became his. All I could think was "I'm in trouble."

My heart has been his since that day. 

This is that wishbone. 

My mom covered it with silver for us. It was originally supposed to be a Christmas ornament but I realized that I wanted it out year round. 

I finally got it in a shadow box today. It is my daily reminder of that first dizzy fall into love with an amazing man. My husband. 

I am one lucky girl.