I know I haven't been around blog land in a while.
Overnight I went from being a mama to a one year old to the stepmom of a ten year old, an almost 8 year old with special needs, and still the mama to my little Bug and of course the little man in my belly (almost 26 weeks pregnant).
I will never share the full details of the situation here. For more than one reason. The first being that the children's privacy should always be protected, and for legal reasons.
But I can share my feelings, which honestly change daily, sometimes moment to moment.
Some days I am fine and I power through my day, cooking, cleaning, cooking again, loving on my boy, and doing stuff for and with the kids when they get home from school. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I usually fall into bed until my alarm wakes us up at 5:30 am (WTF).
Other days I struggle. I fight the tears and feel like I can't breathe and that I'm drowning. The enormity of the situation hits home and I am completely overwhelmed.
Being a mother has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Being a stepmom is different. It's scary and hard.
I love the kids and I want them to know that I love them and that I am there for them, but not that I am trying to replace their mother (which I, of course, am absolutely not). There are so many complicated emotions that come with this situation.
Being a stepmother to a child with special needs and who, at close to eight years old, is not potty trained is terrifying. I struggle everyday to find the patience to handle it. I fail all the time.
I'm doing my best, but I make mistakes all the time.
As for this new little man I am carrying, he is due to arrive exactly on my 30th birthday. I am still flabbergasted at how I ended up with 4 kids in my house by 30. I have no idea how this happened and how much my life has changed in the last year. It shocks me daily.
We also got a new minivan. I never EVER thought I would be driving a minivan, but ESPECIALLY not before 30. I am too damn young!
I sometimes feel I am too damn young to handle being a stepmother to these kids. I don't have the wisdom and experience to know how to handle what they have been through, and I feel lost.
I feel lost. And old. And too young all at the same time.
Through the nearly three years I've had this blog, one thing hasn't changed... my feelings are complicated and confusing.