Waiting on You

So now that I survived (barely) the weekend of baby making (and yes I did survive! I am still kind of stuck on the couch with this neck shoulder thing going on, though) I have been planning on how I was going to survive the two week wait.

I dread the two week wait... I dread it and I want it at the same time. Because the two week wait means that I have something to hope for... it means there is a chance that in a few long ass short weeks all my dreams may come true. This two week wait is even more... everything, because I feel like our chances are so high this month.

One of the things that I do love so much about this time is dreaming about the possibilities with my husband. Out of nowhere one of us will start spouting off possible names and vetoing each other and laughing about what we hope so badly is soon to come! That's the fun part.

The other parts... not so much.

Originally, my plan was to just pretend that I wasn't in the two week wait. Hmmmm. I wonder how that will go for me.

My other plan is to cook and bake and try a bunch of new recipes I've been planning on trying for awhile. And that is a plan I can get behind.

A few weeks ago I made a joke about baking my way through Infertility... end result... huge ass. And the more I thought about it, I thought why not? Why not add a little something else to this little 'ol blog and keep myself busy at the same time? So that is what I will do.

Last year my husband got me a cookie jar for Valentine's Day.

This cookie jar is more than just a cookie jar. It's personalized and on it all our hopes and dreams are clearly displayed. One of my greatest fears is that this special gift will always be a reminder of what my body cannot achieve.

But for the next two weeks I am going to be filling this jar up with sweet treats and goodies just like I hope my belly is filling with our dreams for the future.

Only Me

So last night was the trigger shots and the baby making began!

And this is what happens to me...

Something this absolutely ridiculous would only happen to me!!

Follicular Forecast UPDATE

Don't you love these little updates? They're like the weather forecast... So here goes:

In the south we have a good, strong uterus with a thick and sticky lining measuring over 7 (yay). To the west we have an ovary with a 17 mm follicle and a 16 mm follicle. To the east we have an ovary with another 17 mm follicle. Depending on the on the call we have sweeping through this afternoon it looks like a high chance of trigger shots and at least a double ovulation this weekend (slight chance of triple ovulation).

So what do you think of the forecast? Favorable conditions for conception?!?

UPDATE:


OH MY GOD!

I just got the afternoon instructions call and the nurse freaked me the EFF out!! She said that I had 6 mature follicles and that the cycle was cancelled or IVF. I was like WHAAAAAT!?? I only had 3 this morning!!

She put me on hold and went to go check... turns out the nurse this morning had measured each follicle a few times to make sure that she was getting accurate results and they read the report wrong. WHEW!

So they're letting me continue with a lecture about high chances for multiples but said as long as we're comfortable with it they say it's fine.

Trigger shot tomorrow night between 6-8 PM and sexy time Saturday, Sunday and Monday night.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I am about to ovulate THREE EGGS!!!

This is INSANE!!!!!!

I'm so excited (and ok a little scared about all three getting fertilized and then they all start splitting... AHHH!).

Come What May

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse yesterday and got my E2 results and further instructions.

My E2 was 94.7. And apparently I have a few more follicles going on than the nurse told me during the ultrasound. Along with the 14 and 2 12'2 I also had an 11 and a couple 10's thrown in there as well.

Dr. Baby's nurse told me that if I have more than three follicles my cycle is cancelled or we can do a last minute IVF. WHAAAAT!?!?! We are so NOT prepared to jump to IVF... that is a huge leap for us, physically and financially. Even with three follicles they are not thrilled with letting me go forward... they will let me but it comes with a huge warning of multiples.

Dr. Baby's verdict: I am having a 'robust response'. Again... WHAAAAAT!?!?

Here I was disappointed because I thought I wasn't responding well and there my ovaries go over-producing. I can't keep up!!!

Honestly, when I got this call yesterday I was just... shell shocked. I didn't know what to think... I wondered around Target in a daze and all of a sudden I was questioning everything...

Can I REALLY do this? Can I really be a mom, let alone a good mom? What about a mom to MULTIPLES!?!? Let me tell you.. I was FUH-REAKING OUT.

Thankfully, my husband was just so matter of fact about it all that I calmed right down. He's just so... 'yeah of course you'll be a good mom.' Like there was never a question about it all. He has confidence in me.

Anyway, this evening I did one more injection of 100 iu's of follistim per Dr's orders and tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and bloodwork to see what is going on with these crazy ovaries.

I can't believe that I am sitting here praying for less follicles to grow!!

We are all on Drugs

So... today was my cycle day 10 check. We needed to see what those ovaries are doing on the femara and follistim combination.

Official results:

1 follicle measuring at 14
2 follicles measuring at 12

So... not AMAZING. But not awful. I am waiting to hear from Dr. Baby's nurse about my E2 levels. I know that I am going to need a few more days of stimming with the follistim but I don't know the doses or days until I get that call later today.

They said that the 14 is the one to watch but I am hoping that those 12's grow, too and give me those 3 follicles I've been hoping for...

So for now... we are all STILL on drugs.

Stick it to Me

It is cycle day 8.

I still am not sure what is happening in there with my ovaries but I feel like it is something good!

I have done two of my injections so far with one more tomorrow night.

So far the injections haven't been bad at all. There is some stinging when I take the needle out and my belly is bruised up pretty well; but other than that it has just been excitement to be more aggressive!

Since Thursday I have been feeling pretty consistently achy in the ovary area. I have felt this before during my cycle a few months ago when I did actually ovulate. But I only felt it in smaller doses and it was the night before my ultrasound (so around CD 12). So I am feeling it stronger and more consistently. I hope that means good things are happening in there!

I find out Wednesday morning how many follicles I have going on and if I need a day or two more of the Follistim.

I am hoping for 3. For several reasons... 3 is my favorite number. I don't know why, it just is and always has been. And I want 3 because I feel like 3 will significantly raise our chances but won't put us at too high a risk for multiples. Although multiples wouldn't be bad. I know my husband would be really, really happy with that! :)

I haven't really had any side effects this month from the femara or follistim except I've been feeling really, really tired. I want to nap all the time! And there was some slight nausea last night but only after about 4 spinny fast rides at a carnival.

Oh and did I mention that if this cycle works that my due date would be my husband's birthday?!?

How's that for a sign!?!?

I am happy and excited to see what happens!!!

I have the Best Husband!!

Today the husband and I went to the outlets to do some shopping. The main goal was some warmer clothes for our upcoming trip to Boston to visit my extended family for Thanksgiving.

We got my husband and a great coat and spent the majority of the day looking for a coat for myself. I found several I liked but they didn't have my size. And the ones that I did find in my size I didn't like at all. Near the end of the day I was in tears because I was so frustrated.

We were about to leave and I wanted to go into the Coach Outlet (let me just tell you, I ALWAYS want to go into the Coach Outlet).

We were looking for a few minutes and I was trying to make it quick because we were both pretty tired. I never intended to buy a thing, I just like to browse and look at all the pretties.

Well, my adorable husband surprised me and bought me the purse that I fell in love with....

Yeah. I know. Super cute.

He said it's my treat for all the fertility treatments and whatnot that I've gone through in the last 19 months.

Like I said... I have the best husband EVER! He's adorable and so sweet.

I am one lucky girl.

I say a little Prayer

Well, this new cycle is officially underway!

It is cycle day 5 today and I am on day 3 of femara and I did my first follistim injection tonight. The injection itself was not a big deal at all. It was a pen and a very small needle. The emotions of taking it to the next level and what these injections mean... Overwhelming and exciting.

I can feel the hope surging again. I am getting really excited about this cycle. And that scares me. I want to be hopeful and happy but I know that the more hopeful I get the harder I will fall if this cycle doesn't work.

But I still found myself longingly wandering through the baby section at Target. I am so so ready.

In other news, I went to my first Resolve support group meeting on Tuesday. I was so incredibly nervous walking in all by myself but once it started and I started hearing the stories, I relaxed. The things these women have gone through... let me just say they are amazingly strong women.

I felt almost guilty being there because my struggles are so much less than what so many of these women have gone through. I just felt like my journey has been so much less challenging than the other couples there.

The most exciting thing to me is I got a chance to talk to the leader of the group after the meeting about volunteer opportunities with Resolve. I am so excited to get involved!

I encourage everyone to seek out a support group in their area by going here on the Resolve website.

I am planning on doing some weekly baking posts but I haven't gotten around to it just yet.  But stay tuned... they are coming eventually.

Wednesday is my next appointment with more femara and injections in between now and then. I am hoping for multiple follicles to heighten our chances this cycle. But we will have to wait and see what happens.

Until then I say a little prayer.

This is a man's world....

So my better half has asked me to give a viewpoint into the world of infertility from the eyes of a husband. To start maybe I should explain what being a husband means to me. As a husband I feel like it is my job to make my wife happy in every way that I can. That means the small things like taking out the trash without having to be asked, remembering to tell her how much I appreciate all the she does to keep our home up while I'm at work, or tucking her hair behind her ear before I give her a kiss. On the other hand there are all the big things as well. It is my job to protect her from all of the bad things of this world. If that means fighting a dragon with a pillow and some water balloons to keep her safe, then so be it. Well to me, this PCOS and infertility problem is even bigger than a dragon. It is like some mythical creature that I can't see, can't touch, and the only sound it makes is the muffled tears through a bathroom door at the passing of another month.

It's pretty hard to express in words how hard it is to see the most important person in the world to you suffer and fight against something. It is even worse to know that there is nothing you can do to fix it. I'm a fixer, I'm a fighter, I don't even know how to sit still when I get home from work exhausted, let alone while she is suffering like she does. And then there is the feelings she has of having to deal with everything alone because I can't understand what it's like, "To be broken", as she puts it. And the worst part is, she's correct, I can't understand how she feels, despite my desperately wanting to. So there is all of the wonderful fun of not being able to do my job as a husband.

Then you add to that the wanting a baby so bad I can't stand it. I've never loved anyone as much as I love my wife, and the thought of having children with her makes me so happy. And no matter how hard we try we can't seem to make a baby. And of course everyone we know is now having children, which only makes it even harder. All in all, this situation sucks for everyone. I just thought that maybe some of her readers may be interested in a brief view through the window into the life of infertility as a loving husband. This is a man's world.....or at least this is this man's world...

Turtle Time

Bonus points to anyone who knows about turtle time! :)

I've been thinking about signs a lot lately. I have never been a person who believed in signs or gave them much thought at all.

About three weeks ago though I ordered a fertility necklace from labelledame.com . I was really intrigued by it and what I learned when I read about it.

For one, I had no idea that sea turtles were considered a symbol of fertility. It makes total sense though when you know that a sea turtle lays 50-150 eggs at a time.

When we moved into our apartment one of the things I loved about our complex were the sea turtle details everywhere.

When we went on our trip to the Virgin Islands a few months ago we saw sea turtles on our snorkeling excursion. When I went searching for a Christmas ornament to take home and remember our trip by I bought a sea turtle ornament.

Heck, well over a year ago I even bought the fur baby, Oscar, a sea turtle toy.

Signs.

So when I went searching through La Belle Dame for fertility jewelry and saw the necklace with the sterling silver sea turtle all these things came rushing back to me. I bought it. And I got it today.

                                                              picture from labelledame.com

I have been waiting anxiously for this necklace to arrive as my new cycle should be starting this weekend.

I also learned what the stones on the necklace mean. There are moonstones and rose quartz. Moonstone is said to aid receptivity, and help prepare the mother-to-be to welcome new life. It promotes female reproductive health (which, let's face it, is sorely needed right about now).

Rose quartz is said to help promote and support a new pregnancy and help protect it from miscarriage (which I definitely need considering my mother's history). It is also said to balance our emotions through the journey to conceive. And, well... yeah. I need that, for sure. (all information on stone meanings from labelledame.com and Kimberly de Montbrun)

So... signs. I never gave them much credit before. I've never been a superstitious person. I've never believed in magick or mythical creatures (well... except for mermaids. But I maintain that they're just too elusive for us to find!). But maybe I am coming around a little bit on these signs.

At this point I am ready to try anything. And even if the beads on this necklace don't have any special powers and a sterling silver turtle around my neck won't get me pregnant... it will be a daily reminder about what I am fighting for.

This journey has a way of stripping all hope and optimism right out of you. And then the littlest thing makes that hope surge again and that tiny spark of hope drives you on to keep trying month after month after month. You draw so many lines in the sand.... "Well, we'll do clomid but we will never do an IUI or try IVF." 6 months later... "Well, we can do a few IUI's but that is it!" Another 3 months later... "I wonder if I should start researching that IVF clinic in Barbados. Just in case."

These lines we draw. That keep moving and evolving and changing as our hope diminishes.

On the eve of a new cycle, I wear this necklace and every time I feel it and see it in the mirror I will remind myself to have the hope and perseverance to find my dream.

"Even miracles take a little time." -Cinderella