Here We Go Again

My In Laws are in town. I have spent the last four days hanging out with my 21 year old brother in law and his best friend. And my husband. Listening to them talk about chicks and watching them guzzle beers. It has been nice to spend time with them but I am ready for an estrogen fest!

So we are staying at a condo across town and my husband and I are sleeping on a pull out couch. It's hell on us when we are used to a memory foam mattress. :) So this morning when I woke up and my lower back was on fire I didn't think much of it beyond our sleeping arrangements sucking at the moment. But then I went to the bathroom.

Yep. I started. This cycle is over.

I crawled back in bed and just cried. I really didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't. Everything in me told me that I wasn't pregnant.

My husband, on the other hand, believed it wholeheartedly. He had such faith in those swimmers! His hope got out of control when I was a couple days late. So he is more than disappointed. And he feels like a failure. Because I responded to everything for the first time so he feels like this cycle's pregnancy failure is all on him.

I tried explaining to him that it was just the odds. That just because I ovulate and he has great swimmers does not automatically equal pregnancy. But I understand the feeling. It is what I have been feeling for 18 months now.

In the end, he said that he is glad (glad totally isn't the right word because he doesn't like how he's feeling) because now he can understand how I have been feeling through this whole process. He's glad that he can understand my side of things a bit more now.

We spent the day at the pool with the family. Where I was peer pressured into joining the games that the resort runs for the kids at the pool. I'm not much of a joiner. My husband's family... loved it. Today my husband won the cannon ball contest. Against 10 year olds. I am so proud.

This worked to keep me pretty distracted for most of the day. But this afternoon I did have a meltdown poolside with my husband. I was surrounded by families and several pregnant women running after their toddlers. I just started questioning everything. Why do WE have to go through this? Why is it so hard for us? Why is it so easy for so many others but not me?

In those moments I felt absolutely bereft and broken hearted. All I could do was sit, wrapped up in my damp towel, and cry. I just needed to get it out. I needed the day to mourn this cycle. I, literally, couldn't focus on anything other than the crushing disappointment. Thank god for my husband who has come such a long way in understanding how to support me through this process.

Tomorrow I will focus on the next cycle. Tomorrow I will focus on the successes we did have in this last cycle (which were HUGE). Tomorrow I will be positive and pro-active.

Today I need to cry for what I never had.