Sunday, September 19, 2010

SexyBack

Over the months something has slowly but surely started to go missing out of my life.

My sex drive.

It's gone and I don't know where it has run off to.

I don't know if it is the whole trying to conceive thing or if it is something else. It might just be the PCOS. I have gained so much weight and I feel so gross.

I don't find myself beautiful so how can my husband possibly find me beautiful?

I have become self conscious and I don't want to put my body on display anymore. I'm ashamed of the way I look. All my self confidence (which I have always had a bit too much of) has gone out the window.

Rationally, I know my husband loves me more than anything. He really does love me. He loves me for all I am... the good, the bad and the ugly.

Emotionally... I want to be the most beautiful thing in the world for him. I want to make him proud to be with me. I want to be perfect for him.

I know I'll never be perfect. I know that I will never be the most beautiful woman in the world.

Once upon a time, when we first got together, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world because of him. He treated me like I was the most precious thing in existence. I felt so cherished. He looked at me like he couldn't believe his luck in being with me. I felt... invincible.

It was one of the reasons that I fell in love with him. No one had ever treated me like I was so special before. No one had ever made me feel like I was beautiful like that before. I saw myself as he saw me and I lost all the inhibitions I had. For him I let go of everything and became this wanton sex goddess.

It was addictive. Liberating. It was one of the most beautiful times in my life.

Over the last three years, through the stress of life, infertility, PCOS... we've lost it. I've lost it. I've lost every bit of confidence that I used to have. I used to feel beautiful and on top of the world. Now I just want to hide.

And with all my confidence went my sex drive. They are on vacation together and I would really like them to come home about now.

So how do I recapture it? How do I go back to the girl I once was?

Was it just the headiness of that head first tumble into love?

How do I get back to that place where I feel beautiful again?

I feel like infertility and PCOS have stripped away so much that makes me a woman. The core of what makes me a woman has been taken away. I feel like I am less of a woman.

So tell me... How do I bring Sexy Back?


4 comments:

  1. Contrary to popular belief you are as beautiful to me today as you were the first time I saw you and you took my breath away. I know this is a hard time for you but just remember that I am always here for you. Even when I don't do the right thing, which happens every now and then.

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  2. I'm right there with you on that one. I've felt like that a lot lately. I just want to curl up and hide and cry. All the time. Randy sounds like an amazing man, and I am really glad you have him to support you. In time, your confidence and sex drive will come back. As will mine. I'm just glad that Tim is as good to me as Randy is to you. Lord only knows what I'd do without him. I'm rooting for you, even if it's from a terrible long far away.

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  3. Aww what your husband said is so sweet!! I have been there girl! Stress does crazy things to our bodies, minds, and vajayjays! haha. Just think how much more you will enjoy it when you get your groove back!

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  4. This breaks my heart. But I can absolutely relate. My story is different, and so much the same. But, almost five years ago, I had a stillborn daughter. I felt my body had failed me. And all that would and should have been beautiful about my weight and breasts and stretch marks was buried in the ground. I felt my body was not something to love. It's taken years and much more life to get that back. It's still a struggle. But, it sounds like your husband is amazing and just remember that you're still always the you you once loved. Wishing you warm and worthy thoughts.

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