Monday, April 26, 2010

What IF

During National Infertility Awareness Week Stirrup Queens is hosting Project IF. The first step of this project was adding your infertility what ifs here. The list is powerful and a little bit terrifying. I added my own what if’s but reading the ones that were already on the list was hard. All the fears that you don’t want to admit you have are there in black and white. At the same time, it lets you know that you are not alone. That there are other people out there that know how you feel and how you are struggling.

The second part Project IF was to blog about your own what if’s to help raise awareness. I have been putting this part of the project off because I was nervous to examine my feelings that closely. But if it will help only one other person I have to do it. So here goes….

What IF I never know the feeling of growing a miracle inside me?

I want a child. If I am going to be honest, I want a few. But I am trying not to be greedy. I want to be a mother. I want to experience everything about being a parent… the good, the bad and the ugly. But, just as badly, I want to be pregnant. I want morning sickness (I know, you doubt that but at this point, I would be overjoyed to be puking everyday). I want heartburn. I want to get huge. I want to feel my child moving inside me. I want to sit on the couch while my husband talks to my belly. I want all of that.  And I don’t want to let another dream go.

What IF, no matter how hard I try, I am never ok with not having a child?

I have been working really hard on accepting the fact that a child may not happen for us. I am trying to wrap my head around it. I am, admittedly, an extremely impatient person. I want what I want and I want it right now. So, it’s a lot of work for me to accept that what I want so badly may not become a reality. I want to be at peace with this. I want to know that I will be ok if I never have a baby.

What IF I can’t forgive myself and my body for failing my husband and not giving him what he wants so badly?

I am so angry at my body. I hate that it is failing me right now. And I feel so guilty. Everything that is stopping us from our dream is my body. It’s malfunctioning. My husband is perfect (when it comes to this issue, anyway) and I feel so guilty that I am stopping him from having a baby with me. I know that it’s not my fault but it feels like it. I am angry at my body and I am not sure that I can ever forgive.

What IF I get everything I want and dream of?

What if I get pregnant? I am not sure I will be able to believe it’s actually true after all this time. What if I get everything I’ve dreamed of this last year and I fail at it? I know that however and whenever I get my child I will love it to pieces. But what if I make the wrong decisions for my kid? What if I screw him/her up? BUT what if my dreams come true? I can’t imagine anything more exciting. What if we all get what we want. Can you imagine how loved these babies will be.

Being so public about this struggle is scary for me. I know that most people probably know someone who is or has struggled with infertility. No matter how hard you might try to be understanding it’s extremely easy to be hurtful. If you do know someone who is dealing with this, I encourage you to ask questions (and if they don’t want to talk to much, don’t be offended!) and just let that person know that you are there for them.

More than anything, if you have kids at home appreciate them. Know that you have something that so many people would do anything for. For all the people who struggle with infertility hug your kids for us. Tuck them in and read bedtime stories and know how blessed you are. I dream of the day when I can do the same.


  1. This blog struck a chord deep within. It's scary to go so public with it, and everything your what ifs described is everything I've ever thought and pondered and cried over. Good luck and lots of prayers are headed your way as you and your hubby work through all of this. In a few months, it will be my turn. I hope I can be as strong as you are with it.

    --Amanda K.

  2. You will be, Amanda. I have no doubts. :)

  3. Ohhh Sarah, I'm so glad you posted this. I can't even imagine what this is like but I know it is hard. I know you from the community and I know that you won't fail at being a parent. You are loving and kind. ((BIG HUGS))

  4. Sarah... Yeah... I had that 'I feel like I'm failing' conversation with my husband last night... My son overwhelmes me at times... I know how to navigate my paid job with my eyes closed... Motherhood is a job I sometimes close my eyes in hopes the right answer will just come to me...

    But as my husband said, you cannot love a child as much as I do (& sounds like you already do) and fail at it... The number one thing they need to grow is love. And it is probably because I love my child so much he is so difficult at times... He has a comfort level to really spread his 2-year-old toddler wings...

    Either that, or the fact he has two very independent (Read: Difficult) parents...

    I'm excited to see what your Dr's new cocktail means for this cycle...


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