Sunday, April 18, 2010

I Want It That Way

I don’t know where we have gone wrong lately. I feel like we’re so disconnected. I don’t know if it’s the stress of everything going on in our lives or what but I don’t like it.

I miss my funny dorky husband. I want the man who will do anything to make me smile back. This new stranger who criticizes and gets frustrated at every little thing is not my favorite. I hate feeling like I am being judged on any little thing I do. I hate feeling like I am constantly being watched. And I most especially hate feeling like I am being treated like a child.

I want to go back to that place where I would be suddenly swept into a slow dance in the kitchen while cooking dinner. I want to go back to when we enjoyed each other’s company even when we were doing nothing. I want to go back to laying next to each other and talking the night away for no reason at all. I want to go back to how we used to be as a couple. I want to, but I don’t know the way.

Maybe it’s me. I’m a different person than when we met. I was confident, independent, sassy, stylish and a lot of fun. PCOS, hypothyroidism, the BFH, infertility and all the drama in general has broken me down.

I haven’t been thin since high school but I still used to be insanely confident about 90% of the time. And if I wasn’t feeling confident there is no way that I would let ANYONE ever see that. I never let my weight or my self esteem stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

I let it stop me now. I don’t want to leave the house half the time. And it’s not just the extra weight. It’s the acne, and the hirsutism, and the mood swings and the ever present nausea/hot flashes.

I want to go back to being that girl who was always laughing, or singing or dancing. She was so confident and she never let anything stop her from going after what she wanted. She worked hard but played even harder. She was unapologetically full of life. If you didn’t like it, you could leave.

The woman I am now is worried, stressed, slow, tired, and full of gravity. She needs some lightness. She can’t play as hard as she once did, nor would she want to. She has put that behind her and that is okay. She has grown up and dealt with things that are far harder than she ever imagined. She is strong and capable. These are good things. But she misses the fun and the laughter and the carefree moments.

I want to go back to the girl I used to be but still maintain the woman I have become. I want to, but I don’t know how.

The man I met 2 1/2 years ago was goofy, sweet and unbearably romantic. He’d been devastated but he still opened his heart to me and loved me more than I ever thought possible.

I only see glimpses of that man now. Now I see him and he’s stressed, overwhelmed, overworked, determined and stubborn. He’s become condescending. The little quirks he used to love about me he now finds incredibly frustrating and annoying. He lectures me constantly. It’s not his intention but I feel belittled and insignificant. I want to smooth away the worry lines from his face. I want to take on all the baggage he as weighing him down. I want to make him happy like I used to.

I want the man he used to be to come back but I don’t know where to find him.

I wonder if we can find each other. I hope so.


3 comments:

  1. Oh honey, sending you big hugs. I know what that place is like.
    Kia kaha, aroha nui.

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  2. Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry.
    If it's any consolation just know that all couples go through this. And we all change. Think about one small change you can do for you that might make you feel better. I bet your bottom dollar it will help your relationship too.

    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, this was so open and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this.
    I am sorry that you are going through this. It has to be challenging. It sounds like you are becoming conscious of what is going on. I think that is the first step.
    My heart goes out to you. I know you are an amazing person. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete

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