Saturday, April 17, 2010


Usually my blog post titles are songs, but this post I had to go in a different direction. I have been avoiding this post because I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my feelings too closely. Or even if I knew what they were at all. Everything seems to be crashing down on me at once. My life is so full and hectic and stressful right now and I just want to get away from it all.

I want to de-compress. I want to relax and not think about the drama. I want to believe, if only for a short time, that my life is carefree.

Last week I got several tests done for the FC. When the results came in they called me and said they were worried I was growing a cyst. I was rushed in for an ultrasound the next morning and sure enough... 45 mm cyst on my left ovary. Which would explain the really uncomfortable exam. I was ordered to take it easy and have my blood tests re-done the next Tuesday.

Tuesday rolled around and in I went for my bloodwork. 8 needlesticks later I finally made it out of there. My arm was bandaged from elbow to wrist. I was not a fan of their new technician.

The next day they called me with the results. My estradiol level went up again. So the cyst is not resolving itself. My progesterone went up as well so they are not sure if I am about to ovulate or already have. Again, I was ordered to take it easy, full pelvic rest, and get my bloodwork done on this next Tuesday. I hope after that they make a decision on how to proceed and it's not more waiting.

I think one of the hardest parts of the fertility journey is the waiting. Wait to get your period, wait to ovulate, the two week wait (which in all honesty mine is more like the 6 week wait), wait to hear from your doctor, wait for your period again.

I am NOT a patient person. I never have been. And I REFUSE to pray for patience. God will only give me situations in which I need to practice it and honestly, I have enough of that in my life right now. Maybe God is forcing it on me whether I like it or not.

Husband got his semen analysis on Monday. He seemed to enjoy himself at his appointment. He was in a great mood when he called me after he was done. That whole 4 days of abstinence was making him cranky.

Again, I am anxious to get the results. I feel like it will be good news and man, I really need some good news right about now.

If it's not good news it's really going to raise alot of questions. As far as we know he's contributed to 4 pregnancies. I would really like him to contribute to a pregnancy of mine.

I am trying hard to understand how I feel right now. I am anxious and I impatient for results. And I am really ready for May when we really start trying again. I feel like I am limbo right now. I like knowing what's going to happen. I like knowing what the plan of action is. I like knowing what my next step is going to be.

This stupid cyst is really ruining that for me. Not to mention, my insanely messy house because I can't clean right now.

I just want a break. Not a break from TTC but a break from all the stress we have going on right now. I want to laugh with my friends and relax and not worry every second. I hope that my trip back to Texas will be just the break I need. A whole week with my girlfriends should be able to cure me of all this baby mama drama.

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