Monday, February 1, 2010

The Point of No Return

I am nearing the end of my second round of Clomid! Today is day four and then tomorrow and then its hormone free (hopefully) for a few days.

Last month I basically had no side effects. It was great and I was strangely proud of myself for being stronger than all these hormones I was pumping into my body. I felt like super woman! Then they doubled my dose.

Oh, man. Friday was day one and I didn't have alot planned. That said, I DEFINITELY didn't plan on sitting on the couch and crying my eyes out for 30 minutes for absolutely no reason except I had remembered when George's dad died on Grey's. I mean, REALLY sad episode but it didn't deserve tears a few years later. So I decided to forewarn my husband. I texted him and let him know of my emotional breakdown and told him that I needed him to be careful with me. He said OK and I just felt so relieved... crisis averted!

Not so much.

I had thought he would be coming home early on Friday and I was really excited to see him and spend some time with him. Instead he decided to go to a work function that he had previously not wanted to go to. So I said OK, go. I wasn't happy about it but I recognized that I wasn't reacting rationally and he works hard and of course he should go and enjoy the benefits of that. Unfortunately for both of us I was under the impression that he was only going for an hour or two. Yeah. As time passed, I sat in the living room not able to concentrate on anything except how angry I was! All I could think was that he had abandoned me in my time of need and he would rather have all this fun with his co-workers and not me. And then... the most evil of all.... Tiffany. The girl who has a thing for my husband at work. I pictured him, the innocent lamb, playing skee-ball with his work buddies and her lurking, always ready to give him a high five or a hug for a particularly high score... As my rage grew, I knew he was out having a blast, WITHOUT ME, with Tiffany hanging all over him....

I snapped.

Now, normally, I am not a completely crazy person (sometimes a touch of crazy but never completely). I have known about Tiffany for a long time and I think she is completely inappropriate and I don't want my husband around her but I trust him without one tiny little doubt in my heart. I will say that I don't trust HER (I mean really, what single woman invites a married man to stay with her when his wife is across the country?!?). And I'm just going to say it... I've met her and if we're going to compare looks, I really don't have anything to worry about. So all of this... CLOMID.

I finally talked to him on the phone and I just spewed five hours of angry and pity party all over my poor husband. Yes, he should've called and let me know he was going to be later than we thought, which he immediately apologized for. Did that stop me?!!? NOOOOO. The point of no return. I could not stop. I was crying hysterically and hurling accusations at him like a wild woman.

Needless to say he didn't take it well. The decision was made to leave it til morning. After he went to bed I stayed up, completely spent and not understanding my emotions. A little talk with one of my best friends calmed me down and I determined to do better the next day and to apologize to my husband. I also got a great recommendation from another friend on a couple books that help you understand the opposite sex better... I decided I would go out early, pick them up and then sit down and apologize and try to explain the whole thing to my husband.

Well, I didn't make it out of the house before he got up. We talked for a long time, apologies were made and he came with me to get the books. I came home and read them both, cover to cover. I thought the worst had passed...

Nope.

Saturday night, low and behold, all these emotions are just raging inside me. Then I read this message board about how having PCOS makes you 50% more likely to get certain kinds of cancer. 50%!!!!! I freaked out... I was so scared. So I cried and cried and cried and cried. Could. not. stop.

I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling... How I felt so broken, and like everything was all my fault and I was so sorry that he was stuck with this barren, infertile woman. Finally I took some benadryl so I could sleep. I was sick of myself at this point so I can only imagine what my husband was feeling.

Finally, blessed sleep.

Strangely enough, Sunday I was fine. I got a little extra annoyed a few times but I did my best to contain it. I also decided to take control of my life a little bit. I made a schedule for myself. If I am going to be a housewife and a stay at home mom I am going to be the best that I can possibly be. Now I know what chores I am going to get done everyday of the week and I am going to do my best to do Yoga everyday. And there will be dinner on the table every weekday at 7:30. Sounds like 1952, right?!?! I know. My old independent party girl self would be so ashamed. But I guess I am more traditional than I ever thought. I like to take care of my husband and for the most part, I really enjoy cooking (I'm not half bad either). I don't LOVE cleaning but I do enjoy having a clean, neat house. It's just easier to breathe.

That brings us to today... I am feeling fine today. I haven't gotten much done but I am feeling very ambitious today. I will conquer the world today! Well, if not the world, then at the very least my messy living room.

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