Monday, February 22, 2010

Square One

This cycle has been so up and down for me. I was so excited that I ovulated and it was a real possibility for me to get pregnant this month. Then I actually start getting pregnancy symptoms... excitement goes up! Now I am not so sure. Yesterday I started cramping a little like my period was coming and I got really upset. I mean tears streaming down my face upset. It hasn't yet, but I am still upset.

Last night I was laying in bed crying and my husband, who really is wonderful, just didn't get it. He just completely doesn't understand what I am going through with this process. I tried explaining to him and all he said was 'I mean all you do is take a pill that makes you do what everyone else does normally.' It was like a slap in the face. I couldn't even talk to him about it last night. He has watched me go through mood swings, sob uncontrollably for no reason at all, get horrendous headaches, go through weeks of hot flashes, nausea... you name it, I've had it. And he thinks its basically nothing.

How do I explain that every month that I don't get pregnant my heart breaks a little more and I lose another little piece of myself? How do I explain the complete and utter obsession of the two week wait? How do I explain the complete feeling of failure as a woman? How do I explain the fear that I will never be a mother?

Maybe he'll never understand and this is something that I need to go through alone. I mean, he has kids. And man I love those kids. My step kids are great and I am really thankful for them. But... its not the same. Maybe I will just never have that and maybe its something that I need to make peace with.

I love my husband with all my heart and I am so thankful for him. He really is a wonderful husband. But with this certain situation... I don't know. It's like he doesn't even want to understand what I am going through. I am so confused and upset right now.

And I STILL don't know if I'm pregnant or not... I had some bloodwork done this morning for my thyroid and had them do a pregnancy test as well so I guess I will know by the end of the week. If the witch doesn't show up first...

1 comment:

  1. I know this is an old post, but I've only just read it. I wanted to thank you for so clearly describing so many of the emotions I'm going through myself and how hard it is for my husband to navigate it all or really understand what I'm going through. It is painful reading your words, but also comforting to no that I'm not alone.

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