What IF

During National Infertility Awareness Week Stirrup Queens is hosting Project IF. The first step of this project was adding your infertility what ifs here. The list is powerful and a little bit terrifying. I added my own what if’s but reading the ones that were already on the list was hard. All the fears that you don’t want to admit you have are there in black and white. At the same time, it lets you know that you are not alone. That there are other people out there that know how you feel and how you are struggling.

The second part Project IF was to blog about your own what if’s to help raise awareness. I have been putting this part of the project off because I was nervous to examine my feelings that closely. But if it will help only one other person I have to do it. So here goes….

What IF I never know the feeling of growing a miracle inside me?

I want a child. If I am going to be honest, I want a few. But I am trying not to be greedy. I want to be a mother. I want to experience everything about being a parent… the good, the bad and the ugly. But, just as badly, I want to be pregnant. I want morning sickness (I know, you doubt that but at this point, I would be overjoyed to be puking everyday). I want heartburn. I want to get huge. I want to feel my child moving inside me. I want to sit on the couch while my husband talks to my belly. I want all of that.  And I don’t want to let another dream go.

What IF, no matter how hard I try, I am never ok with not having a child?

I have been working really hard on accepting the fact that a child may not happen for us. I am trying to wrap my head around it. I am, admittedly, an extremely impatient person. I want what I want and I want it right now. So, it’s a lot of work for me to accept that what I want so badly may not become a reality. I want to be at peace with this. I want to know that I will be ok if I never have a baby.

What IF I can’t forgive myself and my body for failing my husband and not giving him what he wants so badly?

I am so angry at my body. I hate that it is failing me right now. And I feel so guilty. Everything that is stopping us from our dream is my body. It’s malfunctioning. My husband is perfect (when it comes to this issue, anyway) and I feel so guilty that I am stopping him from having a baby with me. I know that it’s not my fault but it feels like it. I am angry at my body and I am not sure that I can ever forgive.

What IF I get everything I want and dream of?

What if I get pregnant? I am not sure I will be able to believe it’s actually true after all this time. What if I get everything I’ve dreamed of this last year and I fail at it? I know that however and whenever I get my child I will love it to pieces. But what if I make the wrong decisions for my kid? What if I screw him/her up? BUT what if my dreams come true? I can’t imagine anything more exciting. What if we all get what we want. Can you imagine how loved these babies will be.

Being so public about this struggle is scary for me. I know that most people probably know someone who is or has struggled with infertility. No matter how hard you might try to be understanding it’s extremely easy to be hurtful. If you do know someone who is dealing with this, I encourage you to ask questions (and if they don’t want to talk to much, don’t be offended!) and just let that person know that you are there for them.

More than anything, if you have kids at home appreciate them. Know that you have something that so many people would do anything for. For all the people who struggle with infertility hug your kids for us. Tuck them in and read bedtime stories and know how blessed you are. I dream of the day when I can do the same.

Sperm-A-Licious

OK, I couldn’t resist this title. And seriously, if this isn’t the title to a song, it should be!!

Yesterday I finally got the much anticipated results of Husband’s semen analysis. Aaaaaaaand…. dun dun duuuuun……

HE HAS EXCELLENT SPERM!!

I am so so excited. Here are the stats:

Concentration: 137 million (normal: greater than or equal to 20 million)

Motility: 60% (normal: greater than or equal to 50%)

Volume: 2.7 (normal: greater than or equal to 2.0)

Round Cells: 0 (normal: less than 5)

So, to me it seems that he has better than average swimmers.

FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS!

My husband was very confident that his results would be good and I was hopeful but I didn’t want to assume until we knew for sure. I am so happy that we don’t have any extra obstacles in our way. There was a part of me that was afraid that his results wouldn’t be great and we would have something else to surmount.

I called my husband at work when I got the results and started screaming into the phone “YOU HAVE EXCELLENT SPERM!!!”

His response: “Yeah, I figured.” Conceited man. I don’t even care. Because I find myself quite smug about his sperm status. Smug super sperm. I can actually picture the little spermies with confident smug smirks on their faces. I love those little spermies!

If my husband ever reads this he is going to bring this post up every time he wants sexy time. ‘Remember how much you love them! They love you too!’

And you know what!? I just may fall for it!

Once Upon a Dream

I have so many dreams for me, my husband and our baby.

I dream of the look on his face when I tell him we’re pregnant.

I dream of a flawless pregnancy.

I dream of a perfect nursery.

I dream of tiny clothes and socks and shoes.

I dream of my husband talking to my belly and kissing it.

I dream of being woken up in the middle of the night by a baby turning somersaults inside me.

I dream of my water breaking and my husband freaking out and rushing me to the hospital.

I dream of being surrounded by family and friends as we stare at our own little miracle.

I dream of sleepless nights nursing my baby.

I dream of the milestones… the first smile, laugh, crawling, pulling the cats’ tails.

I dream of standing over my sleeping child with my husband marveling over the miracle we created from our love.

I dream of my first Mother’s Day.

I dream of playdates.

I dream of pre-school and scribbles hanging on my fridge.

I dream of messes at the kitchen table.

I dream of the first day of school.

I dream of the accomplishments of my child.

I dream of growing pains and puberty.

I dream of my husband teaching him/her how to drive a car.

I dream of first dates.

I dream of graduation and college.

I dream of a wedding with me sitting in the front row crying.

I dream of my husband dancing with my daughter at her wedding (and I have already picked out the song) or me dancing with my tall and handsome son.

I dream of becoming a grandmother before I have even become a mother.

I dream of growing old with my husband and watching our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren flourishing.

I dream so many dreams. I don’t know that they will all come true. But I hope they do. No matter what happens, no matter what I tell myself, the hope will always be burning inside me.

I Want It That Way

I don’t know where we have gone wrong lately. I feel like we’re so disconnected. I don’t know if it’s the stress of everything going on in our lives or what but I don’t like it.

I miss my funny dorky husband. I want the man who will do anything to make me smile back. This new stranger who criticizes and gets frustrated at every little thing is not my favorite. I hate feeling like I am being judged on any little thing I do. I hate feeling like I am constantly being watched. And I most especially hate feeling like I am being treated like a child.

I want to go back to that place where I would be suddenly swept into a slow dance in the kitchen while cooking dinner. I want to go back to when we enjoyed each other’s company even when we were doing nothing. I want to go back to laying next to each other and talking the night away for no reason at all. I want to go back to how we used to be as a couple. I want to, but I don’t know the way.

Maybe it’s me. I’m a different person than when we met. I was confident, independent, sassy, stylish and a lot of fun. PCOS, hypothyroidism, the BFH, infertility and all the drama in general has broken me down.

I haven’t been thin since high school but I still used to be insanely confident about 90% of the time. And if I wasn’t feeling confident there is no way that I would let ANYONE ever see that. I never let my weight or my self esteem stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

I let it stop me now. I don’t want to leave the house half the time. And it’s not just the extra weight. It’s the acne, and the hirsutism, and the mood swings and the ever present nausea/hot flashes.

I want to go back to being that girl who was always laughing, or singing or dancing. She was so confident and she never let anything stop her from going after what she wanted. She worked hard but played even harder. She was unapologetically full of life. If you didn’t like it, you could leave.

The woman I am now is worried, stressed, slow, tired, and full of gravity. She needs some lightness. She can’t play as hard as she once did, nor would she want to. She has put that behind her and that is okay. She has grown up and dealt with things that are far harder than she ever imagined. She is strong and capable. These are good things. But she misses the fun and the laughter and the carefree moments.

I want to go back to the girl I used to be but still maintain the woman I have become. I want to, but I don’t know how.

The man I met 2 1/2 years ago was goofy, sweet and unbearably romantic. He’d been devastated but he still opened his heart to me and loved me more than I ever thought possible.

I only see glimpses of that man now. Now I see him and he’s stressed, overwhelmed, overworked, determined and stubborn. He’s become condescending. The little quirks he used to love about me he now finds incredibly frustrating and annoying. He lectures me constantly. It’s not his intention but I feel belittled and insignificant. I want to smooth away the worry lines from his face. I want to take on all the baggage he as weighing him down. I want to make him happy like I used to.

I want the man he used to be to come back but I don’t know where to find him.

I wonder if we can find each other. I hope so.

Cyst-a-Licious

Usually my blog post titles are songs, but this post I had to go in a different direction. I have been avoiding this post because I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my feelings too closely. Or even if I knew what they were at all. Everything seems to be crashing down on me at once. My life is so full and hectic and stressful right now and I just want to get away from it all.

I want to de-compress. I want to relax and not think about the drama. I want to believe, if only for a short time, that my life is carefree.

Last week I got several tests done for the FC. When the results came in they called me and said they were worried I was growing a cyst. I was rushed in for an ultrasound the next morning and sure enough... 45 mm cyst on my left ovary. Which would explain the really uncomfortable exam. I was ordered to take it easy and have my blood tests re-done the next Tuesday.

Tuesday rolled around and in I went for my bloodwork. 8 needlesticks later I finally made it out of there. My arm was bandaged from elbow to wrist. I was not a fan of their new technician.

The next day they called me with the results. My estradiol level went up again. So the cyst is not resolving itself. My progesterone went up as well so they are not sure if I am about to ovulate or already have. Again, I was ordered to take it easy, full pelvic rest, and get my bloodwork done on this next Tuesday. I hope after that they make a decision on how to proceed and it's not more waiting.

I think one of the hardest parts of the fertility journey is the waiting. Wait to get your period, wait to ovulate, the two week wait (which in all honesty mine is more like the 6 week wait), wait to hear from your doctor, wait for your period again.

I am NOT a patient person. I never have been. And I REFUSE to pray for patience. God will only give me situations in which I need to practice it and honestly, I have enough of that in my life right now. Maybe God is forcing it on me whether I like it or not.

Husband got his semen analysis on Monday. He seemed to enjoy himself at his appointment. He was in a great mood when he called me after he was done. That whole 4 days of abstinence was making him cranky.

Again, I am anxious to get the results. I feel like it will be good news and man, I really need some good news right about now.

If it's not good news it's really going to raise alot of questions. As far as we know he's contributed to 4 pregnancies. I would really like him to contribute to a pregnancy of mine.

I am trying hard to understand how I feel right now. I am anxious and I impatient for results. And I am really ready for May when we really start trying again. I feel like I am limbo right now. I like knowing what's going to happen. I like knowing what the plan of action is. I like knowing what my next step is going to be.

This stupid cyst is really ruining that for me. Not to mention, my insanely messy house because I can't clean right now.

I just want a break. Not a break from TTC but a break from all the stress we have going on right now. I want to laugh with my friends and relax and not worry every second. I hope that my trip back to Texas will be just the break I need. A whole week with my girlfriends should be able to cure me of all this baby mama drama.

My Life

I've gotten this email about 7 times now so I thought I would fill it out on here rather than my email. Because I'm crazy like that. Here is my endlessly fascinating life:


1. Do you like Bleu cheese dressing? sometimes, but I usually prefer Ranch.

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? yep. I was a smoker for about 5 years

3. Do you own a gun? my husband did, until it got stolen out of my trunk

4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? is it strange that I hate Kool-Aid!?!

5. Do you get nervous before a doctor appointment? depends on the appt.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? they're DISGUSTING. I hate hot dogs.

7. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?diet dr pepper

9. Can you do push ups? absolutely not.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my wedding and engagement rings

11. Favorite Hobby? reading, shopping, dancing

12. Do you have A.D.D? nope

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts? both

14. Middle name? Jean

15. What are you thinking about at this moment? how I need to go to the store and make a chicken pot pie for dinner but I'm playing around on the internet instead

16. Name 2 or 3 drinks you regularly drink? diet caf free dr pepper and chocolate milk

17. Current worry: the kids, summer visitation, how I am going to go to all these dr appts with the kids this summer.

18. Current hate right now? not getting what I want immediately.

19. Favorite place to be? snuggled up with my husband.

20. How did you bring in the New Year? at a party trying to get across a room of people so I could kiss my husband at midnight... we missed it. :(

21. Where would you like to go right now? Fiji

23. Do you own slippers? yes, slipper boots

24. What color shirt are you wearing? black

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no... if I don't shave my legs catch on them. So. uncomfortable.

26. What are you doing right now? procrastinating

27. Would you be a pirate? um, HELL YEAH I would! Second to being a mermaid, Pirate is at the top of my list!!

28. What songs do you sing in the shower? ABBA. Yep. My husband is a licky lucky man.

29. Favorite Girl's Name? Savannah or Lorelei

30. Favorite boy's name? Brady

31. What's in your pocket right now? my phone

32. Last thing that made you laugh? fmylife.com

33. What vehicle do you drive? 1997 Toyota Corolla! That's how I roll, bitches.

34. Worst injury you've ever had? I hurt my hot pocket pretty badly in 1st grade on the playground

35. Do you love where you live? I really do.

36. How many TVs do you have in your home? 3, but we really only watch one.

Don't Stop Believing

Yesterday was the big day! We had our appointment at the FC (Fertility Clinic). It did not start off well. Our Dr. was an hour and a half late. My husband... not so happy since he was missing work. But he agreed to stay and wait because he knew I was so anxious and did not want to reschedule.

Finally Dr. Ovulation showed up and we went into our consultation. We went over everything that's wrong with me (nice, extensive list) and the things possibly wrong with the husband (short and sweet list). And went over all our options.

Treatment plan as follows:

Lots of bloodwork for me (done today). Glucose test for me (done today... it completely sucked). Provera to kick start my period (wooo). And then the wonderful HSG. And of course, the ever present transvaginal ultrasound. And my lovely husband gets the sperm analysis done next Monday (lucky... he gets to have fun in a cup and I have every invasive procedure there is. jerk).

He also took me off metformin because I have been consistently getting so nauseated and throwing up almost every afternoon on it and he didn't think me feeling like absolute crap was worth it. And even though I only have about two measly diet sodas a week with caffeine he's making me give it up completely. BOO. I really wish he'd make my husband give up something... He needs to make some sacrifices, damnit!!!!

He did an exam yesterday and I don't know if it's because he's a man (and I've never been to a male gyn til now) and I was a little nervous or what, but that exam was so UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, I realize, not a walk in the park on a sunny spring day but holy hell!! I've never hated a speculum as much as I did yesterday. And that's really saying something!!

But I am excited for progress! We are having all our tests done this cycle and we're not starting to try and make me ovulate until next cycle because I am going out of town (back to Texas) for some weddings in three weeks. I'm a little annoyed that my trip is holding things up, but oh well. At least I'll be able to drink at this wedding! Woo hoo! :D

Anyway, Dr. O said he's confident he can make me ovulate. No question. Hence his name: Dr. Ovulation. So depending on how the S/A works out he feels confident that we're in business! I'm so thankful we came to him. We're still going on the 150 mg clomid but if it doesn't work he's having me do more than one dose of clomid in a cycle and possibly using trigger shots. We shall see. I am very glad that I have more options other than "Hey you. Sit and wait." Because I am sick and tired of waiting. It's my turn!!!

Oh, and Cinderella? I know you said miracles take a little time, but could I borrow your fairy godmother? Because she really seemed to know her stuff.