Things you Shouldn't Shriek in Public

Number One: "Oh my god!! I'm growing a PENIS!!"

You should especially not shriek this in a very crowded Target and most especially not if you're a woman wearing baggy clothes and the strangers who gape at you can't tell you're pregnant with a boy and don't realize you're on your cell phone.

Trust me on this one, people.

Great Balls of Fire

WARNING: If you are at all easily shocked, offended or super conservative you should probably stop reading right now. 


This last weekend my in laws came into town. They are really great and I always enjoy spending time with them. Saturday we decided to go to the beach so the Husband and his Dad could fish and we could lay out. 


My husband had found a beach that we hadn't been to before and had gotten good reviews so we decided to try something new. 


We just didn't know how new it was going to be. 


We walked over the boardwalk at the beach and immediately noticed that 90% of the people were naked. Very, very naked. 


We went by accident but when we walked on and noticed all the nekkids we also noticed that it wasn't too crowded, there were no screaming kids, and people were fishing from the shore. All a plus. So we decided to stay in spite of the penis free for all. 

We were there for an hour or two and my husband and FIL were in the water fishing and me and the MIL are laying out (in bathing suits, just to be clear) when a very tan man wearing only a tight fitted crop top and a fringed straw hat comes strolling up to us. Basically he asks if it's our first time there and why we're not naked and how we should strip down and get an all over tan. 

Let me just say this... We were sitting. He was not. And he was right on the edge of my towel. And uncircumcised. (first uncircumcised man I've ever seen in person AND he was NOT young at all). Finally, he went on his merry way. 

It was awkward to say the least. 

We laughed about it and moved on. We were there for almost 5 hours and there were way too many penises for my taste but I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts so thankfully I couldn't see much. 

We were packing up to leave and I put my glasses on (really why did I need to do that?!?) and my MIL points out something interesting...

An old couple GOING AT IT. 

And by going at it I mean her legs were spread WIDE as they could go and he had his face buried in her crotch and his ass in the air. To say the least, we were ALL in shock. And then... 

Old man penetrates. And he is full on sticking it to his little old lady wife. They are not even TRYING to hide or be discreet. Full out on the beach in front of EVERYONE geriatric sex. 

So yeah. That's what I did with my in laws this last weekend. 

What did you guys do!?!?

20 Weeks and More

This week I hit the 20 week mark.

I am humbled and amazed to be at this point. It seems like the time has just sailed by and it's making me realize that this second half will, too.

I never, ever thought that I would just coast through a pregnancy like this. I truly expected for there to be problems with this pregnancy to worry and stress over. Partly because of my mother's history of miscarriages and partly because I think, as an infertile woman, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my body to fail me yet again.

But... it didn't. I am here. There hasn't been one thing to be concerned about at all. No spotting, no unusual cramping, nothing. I am truly amazed and humbled at my good fortune.

I've also managed to stay pretty calm. I haven't freaked out at the slightest twinges or aches and pains. I've taken everything in stride.

I think my husband is a little shocked by that.

This pregnancy has been easy for the most part but their have been some rough moments. Physically your body goes through so many changes and even when you know about them beforehand, when it's happening to you, it can be a little rough. I'm thankful for each moment but I'm even more thankful to be past the puking multiple times a day moments!!

I think that I've been shying away from blogging because I'm scared of the judgment. When I was going through treatment all the misconceptions and judgments about what I was doing and how far I was willing to go for a baby hurt me. A lot. I was hurt when family members wouldn't acknowledge it or would make offhand comments invalidating what we were going through and I was hurt by people's ignorance. And shocked.

Now, I find that there is no judgment like there is for a pregnant woman and as a parent. It's especially evident on the internet. People will spew the nastiest comments towards anyone they think isn't doing a good job as a parent (for example, the breastfeeding vs. formula debate) whether their child is born or not. I am astounded at the audacity of people. It has made me nervous to be completely honest about how I feel, the things I do, and how I plan on raising my child.

It has all made me a shy blogger when I wasn't before.

I'm also worried about being judged by my fellow infertiles.

Because, you know what? I DID post my pee stick on Facebook. And I DO put ultrasound pictures up. And I DO talk about being pregnant. I try to be careful not to do it constantly but it is my life and this is what is happening in it right now. And I posted those pictures because I spent two years being jealous of those pictures and it felt like a right of passage.

A right of passage that I'd been longing for. So, no, I didn't deny myself those small pleasures. I felt like I earned them.

A few months ago I read a blog post by someone (I can't remember who now) absolutely blasting women who did these things, calling them stupid and lame. I read on Twitter all the time posts against doing these things. The bitterness is actually a little scary. I was kind of shocked when I first saw things like this.

I remember all too well being hurt when people made pregnancy announcements. I would take time to rail and rant and ask 'Why not me?'. But I think I was only truly angry about them when it was someone who I thought would not be a good parent (yeah, I know, judgmental. We all do it). When I saw someone who was abusive or neglectful fall pregnant... that was so much harder.

But when did this community get to a place where women rail against other women who are proud and excited to become mommies?

It bothers me. It always has.

Does it absolutely suck that some women and couples get pregnant with no problems and some of us struggle and go through unbelievable heartbreak? Yes. It does. Unquestionably.

But shouldn't we be thankful and glad at the same time that these babies are being welcomed into a home that is filled with such love and excitement at their arrival?

My best friend in the world happens to be one of the most fertile women on the planet. She's 39 weeks with her second son right now and both times she tried to get pregnant it happened on the first month. Let me tell you, I was and am jealous of her reproductive organs. (She's also skinny and gorgeous... hello salt on an open wound).

When she called me and told me she was pregnant last August it was hard. Really hard. She knew how hard it would be for me. She had been by my side through everything, which is why she called me before posting it on Facebook. I fought back my tears as I congratulated her. And when I got off the phone I cried like I had never cried before. Not because I wasn't happy for her but because I was sad for myself. My heart broke that night because I wanted what she had so much.

At the same time, I never begrudged her right to post about pregnancy and put up those ultrasound pictures because I know what a great and wonderful mommy she is. I could feel her excitement and love for that baby with every post. And it made me so happy to see her family growing.

All this to say that all these feelings and being scared of judgment has turned me into a shy and infrequent blogger. But no more. I am here and these are my feelings and life. I may lose followers (I actually already have lost many... there really is something to it when people get pregnant after a struggle... the support, the love, and the commenting go away for the most part. It's kind of isolating.); but I am going to post how I feel.

Judgment be damned.

ICLW

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page (the one with the dog). 

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!

The bad blogger award goes to.... ME!!!

This last week or so has been a huge whirlwind and I've barely had time to catch my breath!

Tuesday was the husband and my wedding anniversary but it was also another big day for us. We found out the gender of the lil nug!! :)

Turns out... we're having a BOY!!!

I was truly shocked. I thought with everything in me that we were having a girl. To the point where I got really pretty upset with myself the night before the ultrasound because I had been leaning so hard towards a girl and I did NOT want to be disappointed in any way after all it took for us to get to this point.

So, when the ultrasound tech said it looks like a boy, I was shocked but I was in NO WAY disappointed. It definitely takes some getting used to. If you can't tell I'm super girly (if the hot pink blog didn't clue you in) and I do feel a bit lost thinking about how to raise a boy. But as my husband says, That's what he is there for!

I am so excited and ready to shop! I am also so relieved that the baby looks great and he is measuring right on track to the very day. My ob says that's a little unusual and usually things are either measuring a few days ahead or behind but this baby is just right on time.

I hope that speaks highly of his future punctuality!

At the end of the day, all I can say is:

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!!!!!!!

Then

In two days my two year wedding anniversary will be here.

It feels like time as flown.

I'll be brutally honest here... the first year was harder than I ever thought it could be. I thought our first year would be so easy because we lived together before we got married. Not the case, my friends.

There were times when I really wondered if we would make it. We had huge challenges and struggles that a lot of people never have to deal with (think clomid).

This second year has had it's challenges but it has truly been easier than the first. I feel like the husband and I have been at such a good place. We've learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We've definitely learned to communicate more effectively and we've learned to be more understanding of the other. We've learned to give each other more grace.

Every single day we choose to love each other. I look at him and think that I would choose this man every single day over and over again, no matter what.

We're definitely not perfect in all that we do but we've come a long way.

I can honestly say that each year with him is better than the last. Each day I wake up next to this man I count myself incredibly blessed. He makes me laugh and listens to my crazy rants, takes incredible care of me and even spoils me with purses and back rubs.

I don't know that I can ask much more than that!

He's also pretty damn cute!

Happy Anniversary, Baby!! I love you more today than I ever thought possible!!

Makes Me Wonder

My Dad was just in town for a visit. 12 whole days.

It was a good visit but having a guest for that long... well, it's a long time!

I have mixed feelings right now. I am all over the place with how I feel. I've never had a great relationship with my Dad. It's been a lot of hurt and hope and disappointment.

I'm slowly but surely trying to find a way to trust that he is trying to have a relationship with me and not wall myself off. After 25 years of being let down... it's not that easy. But I'm trying.

The husband and I went to start our baby registry this last weekend and when we got back to the apartment I was talking to my Dad about all the things we need and how expensive they are.

He told me that he had $1000 set aside for the baby. That he wanted to buy the crib and mattress and crib bedding. He didn't want to just give us money because he wanted to feel like he was getting an actual gift for the baby.

I was shocked. I almost didn't even have anything to say and I finally stuttered out a thank you.

This is the man who once sent me the same DVD 3 years in a row for my birthday while getting my brother things like kayaks. (Ok, I swear I'm not jealous of my brother at all, or materialistic... I was just very hurt at the differences).

This is the man who once (many years ago) refused to lend me $50 when I was short on a bill because he wanted to give money to my brother to pay for his ski trip.

I never asked him for anything after that.

So when out of nowhere he made this announcement I was stunned. And I honestly did not know how to react.

He later told my husband privately that he'd really like us to get a video camera with the rest of the money so we could send him videos of the baby.

This made me cry.

And, yes, I am crying while I write this.

I, literally, don't know who this person is and I have no idea how to react to it at all.

Honestly, a tiny itty bitty part of me is wondering where this person was 28 years ago and why my birth wasn't as momentous. And, maybe I am a tiny bit jealous, too.

But the majority of me is happily stunned that this baby is already so loved and will get the chance at a relationship with my Dad that I never had.

I look forward to seeing how their relationship plays out.

And I find myself wondering if people really can change?

Surf Wax America

I know I haven't been around in awhile and it may still be a bit. There is a lot going on and I am super busy.

But until then, here is this....

MY DAD!! He's here visiting for a few weeks and today I convinced him to take this picture. It makes me laugh so much.

What's made you laugh lately?

I'm NOT too Sexy

Today marked a milestone in my life.

I hope.

Today, I do believe I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I hope. Please, God, let this be it.

After being a hermit for 9 long days and not leaving my house once (I'm kinda proud of that) I ventured out today. Grocery shopping needed to be done and errands needed to be run.

All was going well until I was in the grocery store, looking at the seafood (for my husband, not me. I hate seafood) when something happened. Something horribly familiar.

I froze in my moment of panic and looked around and realized that I had two choices in front of me. My Coach purse or the floor.

The choice was obvious.

I doubled over and puked all over the floor. I lost my lunch right there in the middle of a crowded grocery store and people were all around. And I couldn't stop.

When I was done I hightailed it. I didn't know what else to do. I just ran. A little old lady started chasing me yelling and asking if I was alright but I was simply too humiliated to stop.

And now.... Now I need to find a new grocery store because obviously I can never go there ever again.

I would just like to let the Universe know that I have officially reached my lifetime cap on embarrassing moments. So, Universe, give the rest you had stored up for me to someone else. I don't need them anymore.

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.

I just want to take a moment and reflect on that. I also want to say how incredibly grateful I am to be at this point. I am overwhelmed.

This last week or so has been a little hectic. I went to my first ob appointment and I was less than thrilled with the OB. She was pretty rude the whole time and pretty much called me a liar and also did not seem to understand PCOS and all that went with it. She was a... treat.

I did get an ultrasound, though.

This is the lil nug at 11 weeks. This ultrasound really hit me in such a more emotional way than the others before it. Even more than seeing and hearing the heartbeat because at this ultrasound I got to see the lil nug MOVE. It was... unbelievable. There was my tiny little baby wiggling around and waving it's tiny arms and legs. It truly looked like it was dancing. And it's really starting to look like a REAL baby! It was an amazing moment. 

Needless to say I decided to ditch that Ob, though. She was a real bitch. I got set up with another OB and I really like him so I think we'll stick with him. 

Other than doctor appointments this last week has been mostly about me staying in bed. I got a migraine that kept me down for a day and my nausea has made a reappearance which has kept me pretty useless the last week. 

I wanted to be pregnant for such a long time. I knew there were aspects to pregnancy that would not be easy and would challenge me but I think I also majorly romanticized it. I thought if I can just get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy than nothing else will matter. And to a certain extent that is absolutely true. I am thrilled to be pregnant. 

But, physically, this is hard. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. This isn't me complaining about being pregnant at all. This is me being completely realistic. It is just... hard. 

Now, would I trade any of the difficulty? Absolutely not. Because the end reward will be worth it times a thousand. But I definitely glossed over the difficult aspects of this in my mind and I have most assuredly gotten my reality check!!!

In other news, I am changing my degree plan. I was working on my associates and then when finished with that was going to transfer to my Bachelor's but I decided to go ahead and switch over to my bachelor's program now. The classes are shorter and I will be able to make my schedule a little more family friendly. 

My husband will be done with his last class of his degree soon and I can't wait until he can take a break from school and just relax a little. He has been in school non-stop for over three years only taking two weeks off a year and I can't wait to see him be able to relax and enjoy himself for a bit. He works way too hard. 

Again, this post was a little all over the place and had no real theme or goal. Sorry I've been so scattered. Hopefully as I get into this second trimester I will be feeling more like myself and be more dedicated. Until then, I'm thinking about you all and I can't wait to hear about more BFP's!!!!