Thankful

This is what I am thankful for this year...

There is nothing better!

Just a Feeling

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).

Everything

I've been MIA again.

Obviously, life has changed dramatically and I just haven't had the time to blog. Or read blogs. Or comment. Or even really think about them.

Everyone tells you to prepare yourself for your life to be turned upside down. You roll your eyes and think "Of course life is going to change! I'm not an idiot!! This is what I WANT!! Bring it on!!!"

But, man. It CHANGES. You know it will. You think you're prepared. You think you'll never be the mother with dead eyes, unshowered with dried spit up on your clothes, manically rocking a baby begging through tears for him to just PLEASE sleep. Just for an hour. PLEASE.

Well, at least, I thought that. I thought surely I had this on lockdown. I had experience with babies from my daycare days and I was so ahead of the game.

I was prepared. I had to be. I FOUGHT for this baby for close to two years so OBVIOUSLY it all had to be perfect and sunshine and rainbows.

No surprise that I was wrong again (you know, like back in the day when I thought I would be pregnant the month after going off the pill. Oh, how I can laugh at my naivety now).

Motherhood is EVERYTHING.

And by everything, I mean it in every sense of the word. I can't express the feeling that went through me when they pulled him out of me. I had grown detached through my long labor and eventual c-section. It didn't feel like a baby was coming at the end of all of it. It was abstract. I shut down.

But then they pulled him out. And they held him up and he cried. And it was like a shock just went through my body. All I could think as my emotions finally made a reappearance and I started crying was "There you are. I've waited for you. You're more perfect than I ever thought possible."

Motherhood is everything. It's completely overwhelming emotionally. This little creature depends on you for everything and the enormity of that becomes real. You realize that you would do ANYTHING to keep him safe and happy. He's everything and the focus of your life shifts.

Then you come home. And motherhood is everything. It's what you breathe and think of every second of the day. I won't say it's what you sleep because sleep really does become the most valuable and missed experience of your life. It's overwhelming. Everything about your existence is about this baby. It's wonderful and exhausting.

Last night we got back from a road trip with the little man to check out our new town we're moving to in a few months. And I realized I needed to do SOMETHING that wasn't baby related. Anything.

So this morning we all got up and got B fed and I handed him to the husband and told him he was on baby duty.

I then put on some Alanis super loud and started cleaning. Sweeping and mopping and dishes and dusting. It needed to be done. REALLY needed to be done.

And as I was singing as loud as I could to some old school jams (I mean, really, who doesn't love Ironic?!) I started to get flashbacks.

Flashbacks of the girl I once was. Before I was married. Before I was infertile. Before the treatments. Before everything. I remembered what it felt like to zoom down the highway with my windows down screaming along to some good music while smoking a cigarette (yes, I smoked. No, I don't anymore. And, yes, I occasionally miss it. Shoot me). I remembered that feeling of absolute freedom.

I remembered who I used to be. Completely carefree and fun. God, I was SO FUN! And funny. I loved to dance and joke and drink with my girlfriends. I don't feel fun anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I let being a wife swallow me up. And not to mention the years of infertility and how they took up my entire existence and became my only focus. And now B.

Let me be clear and say that I don't regret a single second of it. I love my husband so much and he's changed my life in so many wonderful ways and really through our relationship I grew up and have learned so much about myself and life. I love him and I love the things we've experienced as we've moved around the country together.

But, I don't want to lose myself either. I fear that I've let that happen over the last four years. And I fear that if I am not careful I will let motherhood do the same thing.

It's funny how a few hours of cleaning and good music can clarify things.

So, I'm here.

Struggling to find myself (again!) while trying to be a good wife, good mother, and heal from the scars of infertility.

Struggling to hold onto the remnants of the girl I once was while trying to become the woman I want to be.

Baby Boy

Introducing Brady Conrad born August 3, 2011 6 lbs 5 oz.

He made his appearance after over two days of labor and a last minute c section. I know some women get upset about having to have a c section but I have absolutely NO REGRETS about any second of my birth experience.

I love this little man so much and although I am SO TIRED I am so so grateful for this blessing.

And he is REALLY freaking cute!!! The last three weeks have changed me forever.

How's that for my 100th blog post?!?!!? :) 

Love the Way You Lie

I lied.

I said in the last post I would only post that one belly picture but I completely forgot about our maternity pictures. I got them back yesterday and yes, I am going to have to post some.

In other news, I am 37 weeks 1 day. Full term!!! I am trying not to freak out about the whole pushing a pumpkin out of my hot pocket thing and at the same time I am so, so ready to get this kid out and meet him!!!

The hospital bag... still a work in progress. I do not know why it is so difficult for me to get this bag packed. It's half done and every time I go to finish it I think about how I would rather take a nap instead.

I am done with my class this coming Monday and I am so glad. This has been such a tough class for me. The actual class and assignments have not been that hard but the instructor is not my favorite and I've had no feedback from him and that is really frustrating. I feel like I haven't learned anything from him and combine that with really wanting to be done for a few months it's been a little overwhelming and frustrating.

I just need this baby to stay in until next Tuesday when class is officially done and then he can come ANYTIME he wants. The sooner the better! :)

We are so happy and so excited and cannot wait to meet this little man!!!

She's in Love with the Boy

Here is my one and only belly picture that I will post here.

I'm getting really excited to meet this little man.

35 Weeks 5 Days

Survey Madness

So I've seen this on a couple blogs and I've been meaning to do it for a couple months, so here goes...

How far along? 35 weeks 3 days
How big is baby?  According to the WTE around 6 lbs. 
Total weight gain/loss: I am still down about 16 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight
Best moment this week: Realizing that we have less than 5 weeks left!
Movement: He's moving all the time, mostly when I am laying down or eating. Which is pretty often.
Symptoms: Extreme hip pain, back pain, and fatigue. Also it's pretty hot out, so I overheat pretty easily.
Symptoms I DON'T have: The nausea and migraines from early pregnancy are gone.
Food cravings: chocolate cake, pasta, fried green tomatoes, and steak.
Food aversions: bacon. gross. And dairy makes me sick.
Gender: Boy. It's been confirmed on three different ultrasounds, so we're pretty confident. 
Labor Signs: None, really. I've had some braxton hicks but that's it. 
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What I miss: sleeping without waking up to pee every hour and being able to shave my own legs. :)
What I am looking forward to: Everything! Finishing up the nursery, meeting this little man, and eating ice cream again. Mmm. 
Milestones: Packing the hospital bag and finishing up the nursery. :)

Gone

It's July.

JULY.

This means I'm having a baby NEXT MONTH!!!!!

Holy crap!! Where the hell did the last 8 months go?!?

The anxiety may be starting to set in...

Not Falling Apart

Yesterday started out as a normal day.

I got up, took the husband to work so I could have the car for the day, headed to my doctor appointment, ran errands and came home.

Yesterday afternoon, though, it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. And my Dr. had a little trouble finding his heartbeat at my appointment that morning.

I did my best to remain calm. I really have not freaked out about anything since this pregnancy started. So I drank a large glass of orange juice and laid down on my side like they recommend to get the baby moving.

I laid down for an hour, switching sides, and nothing was happening. He wasn't moving at all.

Cue major freak out. I got in the car and started driving to my husband's office. I called him crying and told him what was happening and he had me call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me to head to the hospital.

I was pretty much hysterical. I got to my husband's office and we headed to the hospital.

They got me in pretty quickly and got me on the monitors. They found his heartbeat right away. They were showing me his movements on the monitors and I still couldn't feel him moving at all. They monitored him and me for a couple hours and in that time I only felt him once at the very end (and after a nurse came and started pressing on my belly) and according to the monitors he was moving constantly.

They did the ultrasound and apparently his back has turned to my belly and his hands and feet are facing my back making it more difficult for me to feel him move. My placenta also moved and is blocking some of his movements.

So, I'm not crazy. Or hormonal and over-reacting. Thank goodness.

I was so afraid I would go in and they would treat me like I was a hysterical, hormonal, crazy woman. But they didn't. They said I did all the right things by drinking the juice and lying down and when it didn't work, coming in. That made me feel so much better. I am so impressed by the staff at our hospital and I am now more happy than ever that we have chosen that hospital for this little man to be born at.

At the end of the night I was absolutely exhausted and could barely bring myself to drag myself into bed.

I am so thankful for my husband who was amazing through the whole thing and stayed very calm which calmed me down, too. He was just what I needed to keep me from going over the deep end (at least more than I already had). I love him and I am so grateful for him.

When it's all said and done, the little man is ok, perfect even, and although I was scared out of my mind for a few hours I will take that scare and the positive results over the alternative.

Now, I need no more scares for the next 7 1/2 weeks!!!!

Better Than This

Well, I guess I should stop apologizing for being a craptastic blogger. It is what it is. Things are, as always, crazy busy.

As I type I am sitting in our brand new townhouse that we have not even moved into yet waiting while my cable and internet gets hooked up. We move this weekend and I am so excited to be in our new place. It doesn't hurt that it's much bigger than our apartment and LESS rent. Score.

Pregnancy wise I am over 30 weeks along now and going to the doctor every two weeks. I am in disbelief that I am this far along already! It seems like it has flown by and it's starting to hit me that I have less than ten weeks left and so much left to do and buy.

PCOS wise I am SYMPTOM FREE!!! Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have lost about 20 pounds. That occasionally fluctuates month to month but stays pretty consistent. I have had no skin breakouts in about 3 months and, this is one of the best parts.... I haven't had a man beard or had to wax my face in 2 MONTHS!!!

I talked to my doctor about it and he said it is very common for PCOS symptoms to disappear during pregnancy and while breastfeeding and that is most likely the cause of such a drop in my weight. Thank God!! And don't worry, I wasn't skinny to begin with so it's perfectly fine for me to be losing weight right now. :)

Basically, my plan is start working out like crazy after this little man gets here and hope my PCOS symptoms stay away and I can get a really great headstart on losing weight and managing this damn disease. I am REALLY excited about the possibilities!!

I have posts that I have been thinking about writing but haven't gotten around to yet... like about my baby shower. Maybe I'll have the time after this move is done.