Storms Brewing

I have been out of town (actually still in chilly, chilly Boston) and have had very limited internet access so I have not had the chance to update here or anywhere, really.

There are things that I need to say and will be saying here soon when I have the time and the space to get emotional. I just don't have that freedom right now while still on vacation visiting the family.

Our vacation has been fun and eventful and the Husband has greatly enjoyed New England and today got the fun experience of hitting up the Freedom Trail and soaking in some history, which he really, really loves.

I have enjoyed showing him my favorite childhood spots from my summer vacations here to see family.

As for the two week wait... It has barely registered with me. We have been so busy having fun and spending time with family that I have barely noticed the days slipping by. For that I am truly thankful.

I will be home in a few days and will be able to really get into the thoughts that have been swirling lately.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

I thought I would do a short post about something that I am thankful for (and yes, there are things to be thankful for in the midst of this infertility crap).

The number one thing that I am thankful for is my Husband. He loves me day in and day out when I am mad, sad, annoying and frustrating. He takes care of me when I am sick, sad and happy and well. He truly loves me in ways that I never thought possible.

No matter what happens I am incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful man who loves me and would do anything to make me happy.

And... In honor of Thanksgiving... here is a fun picture of me with the first Turkey I ever cooked. His name was Tucker and he was delicious.

Yep. That's a picture of me taking a picture of myself with my first turkey! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Party for Two

Tonight I will inject my trigger shots (and for any of you that do not know these shots will force my ovaries to release eggs out of three mature follicles I have... Yep, folks! It's another triple O!). Sexy time will start tonight and continue for the next three nights in the hopes of catching at least one of the three eggs released.

The hunt is on!!

Hopefully no injuries this time!! :)

I never went back for an extra ultrasound and blood work. I decided to keep on riding the apathy train and trust Dr. Baby as he has not steered me wrong yet (and I seriously adore him as a doctor). I also won't have to go and get my progesterone checked in seven days because I am going to be out of town. They are quite confident that I will ovulate with the trigger shots because I have been responding so well.

I have continued to be as non-stressed about this cycle as possible. I haven't thought about it that much. It's in the back of my mind, occasionally, but I'm much more focused on our trip to Boston for Thanksgiving to see my family and Christmas decorating and my wonderful Husband's upcoming graduation from College.

I will of course do everything in my power to continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next New Mother, but it is not consuming me like it has in past cycles. I am not worried. I am not stressed and I am NOT obsessing. I have to say that it is a nice break for me and I am sure, for my husband.

I cannot help but hope that I continue feeling slightly apathetic because it's actually a giant relief!!

My Give a Damn's Busted

I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and E2 bloodwork this morning. I also had them check on my thyroid because I have been really feeling sluggish lately and I just felt like my thyroid must be really off. So my thyroid medication will be increased.

Follicle wise I have a 13, a 12 and an 11 (and for those that don't know, we want the follicles on the ovaries to be at an 18 before it should release an egg and they should grow about 2 mm a day if not more with the injections). Soooo, basically, we've got three potential eggs going on again even with the reduced follistim.

My E2 came back fine but just like I guessed my thyroid wasn't in a normal range. I am so glad that I had them check on that because it's so important to have normal thyroid levels when TTC and in pregnancy.

Because it's Thursday I am to do another dose of the 75 iu's of follistim tomorrow night and then do my trigger shots Sunday night. Because I have been responding so well to this cocktail of meds I don't even have to go in for another ultrasound. I am welcome to, of course, and can go in on Saturday or Sunday but Dr. Baby is comfortable having me continue as is without another ultrasound and bloodwork.

Something hit me last night... this cycle I am completely apathetic. I am making all the right moves and taking all the correct meds and doing my shots when I need to and following all the 'rules'. But... I just don't care. I literally wasn't worried about this morning's ultrasound. I mean, I was glad I didn't get bad news, but I wasn't excited like I have been in past cycles. I have been very 'eh' about it all.

I am not full of hope and optimism for this cycle and have in fact counted out the days to make sure that I can cycle in December and that Christmas will not interfere with me cycling. And I am good on that count. I can cycle in December without any interference from the Holidays.

I don't know if I am subconsciously protecting myself from the heartbreak of last cycle. I probably am. Because let's face it... I'm still recovering from that horrible let down and the complete idiocy I let my mind take me to.

Good news about being so apathetic is that I've barely been paying attention or obsessing at all. I've barely been able to keep track of my cycle days and had to set alarms on my phone to remind me when to do my injections and take my pills.

Hopefully, this bodes well for the two week wait. I hope that I remain sane through it all.

Overall, I did get good news today. I am just trying to find that place within where I give a damn.

We'll see what We See

My cycle day 10 ultrasound follicle check and E2 bloodwork is in the morning.

My ovaries have been feeling achy but I am still nervous to find out what is going on in there!!

More than Words

I have been thinking about words, lately. Not just any word but the word that effects my life the most right now:

Infertility.

I can't count how many times I've said this word, thought it or written it. Even on a weekly basis it's probably more than I can count.

I remember the first time I read it as it pertains to me and my life. The first time it really hit home what this word means and the effect it could have on my life.

It was over a year ago and I had just moved to Phoenix and my PCP had told me that he suspected I had PCOS and had printed out some information on it for me to take home and read. I had heard of PCOS because a friend of mine had been diagnosed but I still did not know much about it.

I went home and I was reading this information and all of a sudden one word jumped out at me and made my stomach drop. Infertility. We had already been trying for almost 6 months at that point. I called my husband in a panic at work and he told me I needed to calm down (I hear those words a lot) because we didn't even know if I had PCOS or not.

But somewhere, deep down I knew that this word was about to impact me in a very big way and it scared me. A lot.

Since I got my official diagnosis (last December at a mid-cycle follicle check during my first round of Clomid) I have not spent too much time thinking about the actual word.

Obviously, it effects my life in huge ways but when I think of myself I never think of myself as infertile. Logically, I know that I am indeed, infertile, I just don't think of myself that way. I think that I have PCOS and it sucks but it doesn't represent me as a person. It is an aspect of my life. An aspect that I hate and one that has tears streaming down my face right this minute.

But it is not WHO I am. I am so many things and infertile is one of them. Maybe I am in serious denial because I don't think of myself that way... I don't know. I just think of so many other things when I really think of myself. Ridiculous, stubborn and determined to name a few.

I've had friends tell me over the course of the last year that they don't know how I do this. How I keep forging on ahead with all the heartbreak I face each month. And I tell them that they would, too, if face with the same situation. I'm not strong. There isn't much of a choice in it, at all. When you yearn for something so important and so precious it's actually, in many ways, harder to stop trying than it is to keep on going.

Because when you keep going there is a tiny voice in the back of you head that says "Maybe this next cycle is the one." And it is really hard to drown out that voice.

So I am not STRONG.  But I am stubborn and unwilling to take no for an answer.

And yes, I am Infertile. But I am also so much more than that.

Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo

So the redesign is mostly in place! There are a few more elements to be added but this is pretty much it (I'm pretty sure, anyway, unless Barbara has some more tricks up her sleeve! :D).

As you can see it's a whole new space with a new title and everything. I had a LOT of trouble deciding on a new title. I wanted something girly and fun that fit me but also still referenced what this blog is about. SIF helped me so much by reminding me of one of my favorite quotes. This quote has given me so much inspiration and comfort over the last (almost) year. And when SIF reminded me of it, it really got me excited and gave me a great theme for this blog. I am in love with the new title! Thanks, again, lady!! :)

As for the new look, it is all courtesy of the awesome Barbara! I gave her a quick overview of what I wanted and she ran with it and I am loving the fun and girliness of it all!! Thank you so much, Barbara! If anyone needs a blog redesign definitely check her out and shoot her an email : barbaradilisio@gmail.com . She's awesome!!

I also now have a facebook page for the blog. You can find the link at the top left... it's a heart and super cute. You will also find a link to follow me on twitter. Feel free to like and follow me wherever I go! :D

So be a little patient with me... I still need to add info to all the other pages now that I have them and that will be a work in progress the next few days.

Isn't my new button great?! Feel free to grab it!

But other than that...

Welcome to Sparkles and Fairy Tales: Waiting on my Fertile Godmother. I'm so glad to have you!!

I'm Still Standing

First, I want to thank everyone for their lovely comments, support and love. It truly means the world to me. I am so thankful to share my journey with so many of you.

Second, the new cycle is officially underway! I went and had my cd 2 ultrasound the other day and all is quiet on the western front. No cysts. I did, however, get a small parade of nurses in my exam room to tell me how sorry and absolutely shocked they were that I wasn't pregnant. It was very sweet of them but I was still a bit fragile and had a hard time not just sobbing while sitting there naked from the waist down.

Sadly this is a common struggle in my life. Doesn't everyone have trouble not crying with their pants off in semi-public places?!

No? Just me? Hmmm.

Well, moving on, they are changing up my protocol just a bit this month. I am on femara days 3-7 and they are lowering my follistim dosage to 75 iu's on days 5, 7, and 9. I was a little disappointed about that. I know that my cycle was almost cancelled because of too many follicles but dangit, I want to try with three follicles again!!! Oh well. We shall see what we see at the cycle day 10 ultrasound.

The good news is that I should be all triggered and sexy time completed before Thanksgiving. We are headed to Boston on the 24th-30th to spend the Holiday with my Dad, Aunts, Cousins, and my hilarious 93 year old Grandmother. My husband hasn't met my extended family yet so it should be fun. We're praying for snow!!

The side benefit of this is that the trip falls in my two week wait which should keep me nicely distracted. And when we get back there is my favorite thing of all: Christmas decorating with my handsome husband! It's our favorite time of year and we love decorating our house. We make a day of it and have so much fun. So I really think this two week wait is going to go a bit smoother and I am really happy about that.

In other news, there are some changes in the wind for this lil blog!! A redesign is just getting started and we're even getting a new title! Because, let's face it, Sarah Q is kinda lame.

So get ready to see those changes coming soon to a blog near you.

The Fat Lady Sang

It's over. The cycle that could officially ended this morning.

These last few days I had a feeling it would. The cramping I was feeling was just too familiar. So these last few days when it's really hit me that this wasn't working I've been crying my heart out. On the floor of the bathroom sobbing.

So this morning when I got up and I hadn't started I felt a tiny bloom of hope because if I was going to start today would be the day officially confirming that I consistently have a 16 day luteal phase.

So to start while I was peeing on a pregnancy test... I can only assume that Mother Nature is one HUGE effing bitch.

To top it all off I have come to realize that I am one of those women who invent pregnancy symptoms and convinces herself she's knocked up. Yep, I'm that kind of special crazy.

So tomorrow I will think about a new cycle. Today I will, once again, grieve for what I never had.

Keeping the Faith

Thought I would do a quick little update.

Things are still pretty much the same here... symptoms galore and still no positive. I'm still not late, though. Today is cycle day 28 so I should be due tomorrow.

Until then I remain hopeful and I am still keeping the faith!

I hope to share some good news with you all soon!!

The Closer I Get

The crazier I get.

I started this two week wait determined to stay sane and happy and distracted. Well. That did NOT happen.

I spent the first week on the couch nursing my sex injury. So the first week went by pretty fast and easy.

This second week... well not so much. I was ok until yesterday when I decided to test even though I knew it was too early and I was bound to be disappointed. And I was. Big freaking negative.

I was really upset.

Until I drove my husband to work and almost threw up in the car. He works barely ten minutes from our apartment and I barely made it back in the house before I ran for the bathroom and threw up. I puked for the first time in over a year and a half.

Thankfully, I only had cranberry juice in my stomach. And, sadly, after many years on the club scene this is NOT the first time that I have thrown up cranberry juice.

And just like that I was back in the game. I was so excited that I puked!! The nausea lasted a few more hours but didn't throw up again.

So far my symptoms have been sore boobs, heartburn, a lot of difficulty sleeping, exhaustion, you can see the veins in my boobs like crazy (I know... not sexy at all), and now nausea and puking. Oh, and my sense of smell seems to be a bit more sensitive.

Today, I felt ok for most of the day until about ten minutes ago... the nausea hit and I frantically jammed about 5 mints in my mouth hoping that it helps. So far not so much luck with that.

So, I am still waiting. And yes I still have hope but why the HELL can't I be one of those women who gets a really early positive?

That would really make this so much easier for me.

Triple O!

I got my progesterone blood work done this morning. After waiting all day long I finally got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse.

My progesterone level is greater than 20. The lab that processes everything won't give a specific numbers if it is over 20. But the nurse said everything is looking excellent. She even mentioned that high progesterone levels can sometimes indicate pregnancy but since we don't have a number I shouldn't get too excited yet.

She also went over all my levels from earlier in the cycle and every level is better than the last cycle I ovulated in.

Basically, I ovulated all three of those eggs!!

But she said one thing that had me tearing up:

"Your body is doing everything it needs to in order to sustain a pregnancy."

At that I burst into tears. It's one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

As for any symptoms, I have a few but I am reluctant to think they're pregnancy symptoms yet. I've been a bit tired and had touches of slight nausea yesterday morning and this morning. The two meals I've had today (chick fil a and chipotle... I know both awful) were terrible! They did not taste ok. And they are both places that I love a lot. So that was strange. We can also say I've been a bit emotional the last couple days.

So there are a few signs that could or could not be pregnancy.

I guess we will just have to wait and see!!!