Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Trouble Sleeping

I talked to my Doctor's office last Friday. I updated them on everything that was going on. Which is A LOT. Last week I had my bloodwork for my thyroid done. It has FINALLY shown up that it is underactive (which we have suspected for years) and I am finally on medicine. Levoxyl. I was excited about that. It's been a really long time coming. But the pregnancy test came back negative. Disappointed. I was due to start around last Wednesday. Or so I thought. I have never had regular cycles so I wasn't too sure. But I got the positive OPK on February 7 (CD12) so I thought surely I would start on my own this month. Not happening.

Anyway, my Dr. told me to wait til CD35 (today) to take a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE. I have been cramping so badly for the last week. Which isn't abnormal when I am actually on my period. I have always had bad cramps. But I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED. I am getting frustrated. When other women are on clomid a single cycle is usually around 28-30 days (I realize there are exceptions). But for me a single cycle is usually 50-60 days. I hate the whole process. Wait and wait. Get your hopes up. Test. Test. Test. Negative. Progesterone for 5 days. Another 4 days til you actually start and another 3 days until you start the new round of clomid. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!

Last night the cramps were so bad they woke me up around 3 am and I was worried about waking up my husband so I literally walked around my house in the dark wimpering. I didn't get back in bed til his alarm went off.

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY!!!!

I am in a very why me?!!? sort of mood right now. Maybe it has to do with the baby shower invite I got and having to go through registries to pick a gift out for my friend's baby girl.

I am getting really emotional right now. I know I should be thankful for all the wonderful in my life (and I swear on most days I am) it's just... I don't even know. I have that impending doom feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe its realizing that by the time I get through all the progesterone hoopla and actually start the clomid I will be taking it while my stepkids, in laws and my mother are here.

I am so full of anger, frustration, self pity, and fear right now. There is a huge part of me that is just simply terrified that I will never be pregnant and have a baby.

You know... I think I need some chocolate.



6 comments:

  1. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers! I have dealt with those thoughts of wanting to be pregnant so badly. The longing can sometimes be overwhelming. If you ever want to chat personally, I am here.

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  2. Thank you I appreciate that! I think my emotions and frustration are getting the best of me tonight! Cue the M&M's! :)

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  3. Oh, wow. So sorry:-( But I've read that hypothyroidism really contributes a lot to infertility, so maybe as that levels out, you'll have some luck there:-)

    I'm going to get blood work tomorrow to see if thyroid issues are causing my problems. Apparently 5% of women have issued after the birth of a child. It wouldn't surprise me if I was one in that small percentage.

    On a positive note, maybe God is protecting you because uncontrolled thyroid problems can lead to miscarriages, so maybe He's giving your body time to respond to your new medicine. Maybe?

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  4. That is entirely possible! My mother had 11 miscarriages and I was her 15th pregnancy. I am hoping that I don't have the same problems she did... although she got pregnant easily.

    Thanks for the encouragement! :)

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  5. Sarah...so sorry. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way!

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  6. So sorry. That has to be so rough. Hoping and praying for you!

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