I am full of conflicting feelings. I am excited, motivated, crushed, determined, terrified, hurt and hopeful.
Last Thursday was my follicle check ultrasound. I went in nervous and trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I had no mature follicles. Again. I was devastated. The technician brought one of the doctors in to talk to me. My regular doctor wasn't available so I got someone different. He told me that this cycle is a bust. We talked about my cycle last month and he told me that although I got the LH surge I definitely did not release an egg, otherwise I would have gotten my period naturally. He told me to wait about 25 days, take a pregnancy test and if negative start the 5 day dose of provera. He wrote me a prescription for 150 mg of clomid for next month. I left, called my husband and cried in my car.
Earlier in the month at my last appointment with Dr. Amazing she had told me that she wanted me to go to a fertility clinic if this cycle didn't work. But now I had a choice. I could do one more round of clomid with them on the highest dose or I could just head to the clinic. I was so torn. I had already called the clinic I had chosen just in case the day before. I spent all day thinking about the options. I ended up calling the clinic again and getting the new patient paperwork just in case.
When my husband got home from work we sat down to discuss all our options. He surprised me. All along I have felt that I was willing to go further in this fertility process than he was. He had a moral dilemma about 'manufacturing' babies and how far was too far. He also felt like if God wanted us to have a baby then we would. I felt like if we were trying to have a designer baby or cloning someone then that would be too far. He sat down in front of me and told me how he had really been thinking about all our options. He said that he wanted to have a baby with me so badly that he was willing to do whatever was possible to make it happen.
On the one hand, I knew this. But it was so nice to hear. He thinks I'll be a good mom and that means the world to me. So, the decision was made.
We're going to the Fertility Clinic!!
I feel so good about this decision! We sat down and did all 23 pages of patient history. Well, I did 21 pages, he did 2. I faxed them to the clinic on Friday and yesterday we set our appointment. Monday April 5, 10 AM. I am so ready. But I am nervous at the same time. We also got our new Doctor's name and I looked him up and he's been named one of the top infertility doctors in our city. I am excited and anxious to get to that appointment and see what he has to say.
In clomid news, the side effects keep coming. Even though this cycle is a bust I still took my full dose and so I get to enjoy these lovely hot flashes for a few more weeks.
So until next week I am being the most amazing housewife imaginable! I am baking and cleaning and cooking and folding and running errands. And watching Days of Our Lives. I mean if there is anything in this world to take your mind off your own drama, it's a soap opera!!