I was getting ready for my dr appt this morning listening to the radio and I heard a song I had never heard before. I really loved it but didn't think much about it... I was so anxious for my appt... and excited (as excited as you can be for an internal ultrasound, anyway).
I really couldn't wait to find out how many ripe follicles I had and how the clomid worked... the only thing I worried about was if it worked too well and I had a ton of ripe follicles and had to skip this month so I wouldn't end up with 20 kids. What I didn't expect was that it didn't work at all. Nothing. Not ONE follicle. Thankfully the technician/nurse was really nice and I was able to leave quickly. I made it to the car before I really started crying.
And I KNOW that this isn't the end of the world and I KNOW that my dr will probably just end up putting me on a higher dose next month and seeing how that works. I know all that. But no one can understand this feeling unless they've experienced it themselves. No one can understand grieving for something that you never had unless you've done it. No one can understand feeling like you're broken and you're not whole because your body won't do what it's supposed to do, unless they've gone through it. No one can know this overwhelming feeling of failure, without experiencing it themselves. And as much as I love all the supportive people in my life telling me don't worry... it will happen. They don't know that. They CAN'T know that. And I appreciate their efforts to make me feel better, I really do... it just doesn't make me feel better.
Turns out I have this amazing husband. He let me cry on the phone and he was so sweet. He's done alot of research about all this and he's always full of facts. They don't always make me feel better but today they did. And I am so grateful for him and how understanding he is.
So I'm waiting to hear from my dr. The results of my ultrasound were faxed over and when she reviews them she will call me and tell me what the next step is. I am thinking it will be the 100 mg dose of Clomid this time (last one was 50 mg). Hopefully that will do the trick.
But in the meantime, I am reflecting on the Trace Adkins song I heard this morning...
'you're gonna miss this
you're gonna want this back
you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but you're gonna miss this'
Leave it to a country song to sum up my life. It puts it in perspective... I have this amazing husband. It's just us right now and I need to enjoy every minute we have together before we add another life to our family. So today I will cry for what I don't have but tonight I will hug my husband when he walks through the door and I will remind myself how truly blessed I am.