Irony and the Moral of the Story

Last year when I found out about the situation with the stepkids I panicked. We found out less than 24 hours after we found out I was pregnant for a second time (a huge surprise).

We had no idea what was going to happen and added to that in the beginning all the doctors and nurses told me I was going to lose the pregnancy. Thankfully, and obviously, they were very, very wrong.

When the kids came to live with us I was almost 5 months pregnant. I panicked again. We suddenly had two more kids in our house who had been through hell and one who has extreme special needs and was not even potty trained at 8 years old. We had exactly one week to get them into the pediatrician, buy them clothes, toiletries, furniture, bedding, and get them into school.

Here I was, an infertile woman who had her miracle baby who had just turned one and now my two stepkids who desperately needed a lot of love, discipline, boundaries, and stability. I started questioning everything.

I am so ashamed to say that many times I questioned the timing of my pregnancy. I did not know how I would handle everything and a new baby.

The first night we were in our house with the kids, my best friend was in town. The kids were all in bed and I sat on the couch and cried and told her that I shouldn't be pregnant. The timing was terrible and I was terrified.

I was terrified that I would not be able to give my all to B and the stepkids, and the baby. I was also so scared that I would experience PPD again and have a high needs newborn like B.

My B Man. I can't believe he's almost 2!

I felt like I was drowning. I didn't panic everyday, but I definitely had episodes. Sometimes it felt like I wouldn't make it to the end of the day. But, as time went on we all fell into a routine and it seemed like things were getting easier.

My little surprise blessing made his way into my world on my 30th birthday. And now I am so thankful for God's timing. The joy I would've missed if I was in charge of the timing of my pregnancy is tremendous.

This baby is pure happiness. He is the happiest, easiest baby and he just loves to laugh. He fills my heart with so much joy it physically hurts.

Almost 5 months old and loves snugging with Mama in the big bed.

I truly don't know that I deserve such perfection in my life as I have in my two little men. They are the reason I get up in the morning. 

Who would want to miss a day with this guy? My aspiring underwear model.

The stepkids have come a long way in the last 10 months, we all have, as a family. We have had our struggles and some still continue as I navigate the waters of step-parenting. It is not always easy (or even often easy), but I believe that we are doing really well most of the time. I dread the day when I hear "You're not my mom", and I know those words will cut like a knife. I strive everyday to be a mother to them without replacing the one they already have. It's murky water. 

These last ten months have been a whirlwind. And I know the years to come promise to be just as hectic (but maybe less eventful, please!).

The moral of the story is that you never know how much or what you can handle until you're just doing it. You're making your way through every single day and some fly by and some are excruciating, but at the end of the day, you did it. You made it. God, my husband, and friends who are better than I deserve have carried me through this last year. 

And, really, isn't it ironic that this infertile woman is running around town looking like a woman who doesn't know what birth control is?

Awesomesauce

SIF did something pretty awesome... She wrote a book!! I bought it yesterday and I am already on Chapter 50.

Her story is amazing and everyone needs to go buy it!! Go here and check it out.

So proud of you, friend!

I Can't Handle It

Right off the bat I am going to say that I shouldn't be writing anything right now.

I am an emotional wreck.

Not the kind of emotional wreck that I was after B was born and I had PPD, though. I want to make that perfectly clear. My emotions are NOT hormone-driven.

They are just the emotions of a woman who sometimes feels like she's drowning.

So in this emotional state I may not express myself as well as I would like.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I may not be able to handle being a wife and mother to two and stepmother to two more.

I separate mother and stepmother because there are different considerations when you're a step-parent. I love my stepkids and I want to make that painfully clear. But... there are different considerations. Such as they have a mother and I in no way want to replace her. I'm not their mother and that is ok. I am ok with it and I think they are too. That doesn't mean that we don't all love each other.

I had been feeling like I was handling things pretty well. I wasn't drowning in self-doubt and worry constantly as I was when I first brought B, home. I am more experienced in newborn now. My husband also takes G every other night so I am getting decent sleep.

It's not the nights that have me worried, it's the days. Days where there is no opportunity to nap and I am constantly battling the toddler and the newborn, hoping that they stay happy all day and if they don't, at least they take turns crying. At the point in my day where I feel like I have a handle on things (B's naptime) the stepkids are getting home and we're starting the rounds of homework and chores. And when that is done it is time to cook dinner and get everyone to bed.

And that does not even take into consideration my duties as a wife.

To say that I am busy is an understatement.

There are days when I am not sure that I am going to make it. And I've already given up on being any sort of attractive at all.

But I had been feeling like we had been making it ok.

But now I'm not so sure. My confidence has been slowly crumbling. Tiny little comments here and there with a negative connotation have me questioning everything.

Maybe I can't handle being a wife and mother of four. It happened so fast. In 17 months I went from no kids to 4 and I worry constantly that I am not good enough.

And maybe I'm not.

I know I fail on a daily basis. I fail to keep my house clean, I fail to cook dinner every night (the husband has been cooking a lot), I fail to be patient and loving at all times.

I've been so worried about B lately. I 've been worrying that I don't teach him nearly enough. He doesn't do arts and crafts at home, he doesn't know his shapes or colors, yet. He can't count and I'm not sure when I'm going to find the time to teach him these things. I know pre-school would teach him all this and more, but I want to be the one to be there for those little moments. I, selfishly, want to teach him all that myself... But how?

I feel like I can either be a GREAT mother to one or a mediocre mother to more.

I already know I've failed as a wife.

So, I am here, an emotional wreck, thinking... They're all right....

I can't handle it.

In a Moment...

I probably know better than anyone how life can change in a moment.

One second you're walking around thinking life is normal and things stay the same and the next... everything changes.

This has happened to me several times in the last few years. A little over two years ago I was stuck in a funk, thinking I would never be pregnant. I was about to give up.

And then I got my 2 lines. And had an uneventful pregnancy followed by one long ass labor and eventual c-section. But I got this...

Brady. The hardest and best thing I've ever done. We struggled through PPD, colic, and reflux. He is the light of my life.

My boys. I am so blessed.

And then 9 months later I was going along, thinking it would take me at least 6 months to a year to get pregnant again, but wondering why I was having such terrible motion sickness.... Life changed again. I was pregnant (talk about an absolute shock).

The day after we found out I was pregnant (naturally) we learned my stepkids might come live with us and 3 months later they were here. In a year I went from 1 kid to 3, one with special needs.

And 6 months later... (just 4 short weeks ago)...

Another little man stole my heart. Grayson. My absolute joy.

Ladies and gentleman... in a year and a half I went from no kids in my home to four. FOUR.

So, I know that a moment, a split second, can change your life.

This is why I am so unbelievably excited for this lady. She's been there for me for about 3 years now and virtually held my hand through failed cycles and treatments. In fact, when I got pregnant with B she had just gone through her second failed IVF, the FET. And I hurt so much as I announced my pregnancy because I knew how it would hurt her, the first announcement after her failed cycle. It killed me, even though I knew how happy she was for me. And she was. She has been nothing but incredibly supportive of me as I have navigated the waters of two pregnancies, two newborns, and two stepkids and all the accompanying emotions.

I spent most of my day scouring the internet for the perfect baby gifts for her precious girl, so excited for this person that has touched my life in so many ways, but that I have never met.

SIF, I am so incredibly happy and excited for you, friend. And just know if your girl ever needs a really good looking, southern boyfriend with great manners... I'm raising two of them.

Like I said... Life can change in a moment. And it can be so incredibly amazing.

It's Been a Long Time

I haven't been in this space much in the past months. I have thought about it and there have been posts that I have considered writing. When it came down to it, I just didn't have the energy or time. Well, I had the time, but I just chose to use it in other ways.

I have also had a conflict about what I wanted for this space. It's been useful for me over the last 3 years, but my time is limited and I am not sure I can keep up.

My life has also done a complete 180. When I started this blog I had no children. I now have 2, plus 2 step kids who live with us full time. I am obviously not waiting on that fertile godmother anymore. She's been by, and won't be back again. Ever.

I was talking to a friend and telling her I wasn't sure what to do with the blog anymore. I am an infertile girl who ended up with 4 kids. What do I do with that? She said that's exactly what I should do with the blog... The infertile girl with 4 kids.

And maybe someday I will. When I have more time and energy. Or when I can wrap my head around the concept myself.

In the meantime, about two and a half weeks ago I welcomed this little man. He has stolen my heart and incidentally, he also stole my birthday. It was quite the way to celebrate my 30th birthday.

Grayson Corbin 1/17/13 6:56 AM 7 lb 10 oz