We had no idea what was going to happen and added to that in the beginning all the doctors and nurses told me I was going to lose the pregnancy. Thankfully, and obviously, they were very, very wrong.
When the kids came to live with us I was almost 5 months pregnant. I panicked again. We suddenly had two more kids in our house who had been through hell and one who has extreme special needs and was not even potty trained at 8 years old. We had exactly one week to get them into the pediatrician, buy them clothes, toiletries, furniture, bedding, and get them into school.
Here I was, an infertile woman who had her miracle baby who had just turned one and now my two stepkids who desperately needed a lot of love, discipline, boundaries, and stability. I started questioning everything.
I am so ashamed to say that many times I questioned the timing of my pregnancy. I did not know how I would handle everything and a new baby.
The first night we were in our house with the kids, my best friend was in town. The kids were all in bed and I sat on the couch and cried and told her that I shouldn't be pregnant. The timing was terrible and I was terrified.
I was terrified that I would not be able to give my all to B and the stepkids, and the baby. I was also so scared that I would experience PPD again and have a high needs newborn like B.
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| My B Man. I can't believe he's almost 2! |
I felt like I was drowning. I didn't panic everyday, but I definitely had episodes. Sometimes it felt like I wouldn't make it to the end of the day. But, as time went on we all fell into a routine and it seemed like things were getting easier.
My little surprise blessing made his way into my world on my 30th birthday. And now I am so thankful for God's timing. The joy I would've missed if I was in charge of the timing of my pregnancy is tremendous.
This baby is pure happiness. He is the happiest, easiest baby and he just loves to laugh. He fills my heart with so much joy it physically hurts.
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| Almost 5 months old and loves snugging with Mama in the big bed. |
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| Who would want to miss a day with this guy? My aspiring underwear model. |
The stepkids have come a long way in the last 10 months, we all have, as a family. We have had our struggles and some still continue as I navigate the waters of step-parenting. It is not always easy (or even often easy), but I believe that we are doing really well most of the time. I dread the day when I hear "You're not my mom", and I know those words will cut like a knife. I strive everyday to be a mother to them without replacing the one they already have. It's murky water.
These last ten months have been a whirlwind. And I know the years to come promise to be just as hectic (but maybe less eventful, please!).
The moral of the story is that you never know how much or what you can handle until you're just doing it. You're making your way through every single day and some fly by and some are excruciating, but at the end of the day, you did it. You made it. God, my husband, and friends who are better than I deserve have carried me through this last year.
And, really, isn't it ironic that this infertile woman is running around town looking like a woman who doesn't know what birth control is?
