Sparkles and Fairy Tales: Waiting for my Fertile Godmother

Crazy In Love

2012-02-21T00:38:00.000-05:00

I don't want my walls covered in art. I want them covered in memories.

Dancin' Away with my Heart

2012-01-10T19:02:00.000-05:00

A little over four years ago I started dating this guy.

He'd been pursuing me for a while and I finally caved and went out with him. I proceeded to have the best first date of my life (minus the part when I thought I was being kidnapped. That's a story for another day).

A few weeks later he came over to my house for Thanksgiving and I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner for my family. This included my first Turkey.

After dinner that guy was cleaning up (man... love it) and he looked at me and said "I saved the wishbone from the first turkey you ever cooked."

It was that moment that my heart officially became his. All I could think was "I'm in trouble."

My heart has been his since that day.

This is that wishbone.

My mom covered it with silver for us. It was originally supposed to be a Christmas ornament but I realized that I wanted it out year round.

I finally got it in a shadow box today. It is my daily reminder of that first dizzy fall into love with an amazing man. My husband.

I am one lucky girl.

Reflections

2011-12-31T22:15:00.000-05:00

I'm jumping on the predictable blogger bandwagon and doing a post about this last year.

It's been pretty incredible.

This year all my dreams came true.

My marriage is stronger and more wonderful than ever and we finally got our miracle. Everyday I am so overwhelmingly thankful to be where I am.

It's been quite the roller coaster (we moved when I was 8 months pregnant AND when B was 3 months old) but I found myself living in a gorgeous part of the country with the man I love and my precious, precious boy.

Nothing can fill my heart more than my husband and my son.

Holy crap... I can say my son. Sometimes it really hits me that I am finally a mommy and it overwhelms me with joy.

Cinderella was right. Even miracles take a little time.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope the new year brings everyone their miracles.

One Year

2011-12-11T00:14:00.001-05:00

One year ago I woke up at 5 am really needing to go to the bathroom.

I was trying to hold it and wait because it was time to take a pregnancy test. I was scared. I knew it would be another negative. I'd lost all hope and yet I didn't want another heartbreak.

Instead, I got this the positive. I was so stunned and thrilled. I sat on the bathroom floor shaking, holding the test and not believing my eyes.

I could barely contain my joy. It finally happened.

Following that stunning day was a pretty uneventful and smooth sailing pregnancy.

And now a year later, I have this....

Our first moments together outside the operating room.

Heart to Heart

2011-11-24T23:42:00.000-05:00

My heart is so full today.

In between all the cooking and baking it really has been a day of reflecting.

A year ago I was literally getting pregnant.

I have been so emotional all day thinking about where I was a year ago. I had completely given up hope.

I thought that I would not be a mother. I got to a place where I literally thought it was not possible.

And here I am. A year later, this is where I find myself. My heart is so full. A year ago I thought I would not be able to share special days like today with my child.

This was the first outfit we bought him when I was pregnant. Before we even knew he was a boy. :)

Today, I held my little man and I thanked God for this special day filled with memories with my little family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me way more than I deserve and I have a precious baby who is the love of my life (along with the husband, of course).

I never thought I would be here. A mommy. Sometimes, I still can't believe how blessed I am. Everyday I get to wake up to a little person who smiles just because I'm his mommy. He lights up my world.

I do not take any moments for granted and I cannot wait to share this Holiday season with him.

My heart is so full. And so very, very thankful.

Thankful

2011-11-21T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is what I am thankful for this year...

There is nothing better!

Just a Feeling

2011-10-25T16:20:00.002-04:00

I feel like I've turned a corner.

The first 8 weeks of B's life were very hard. It was a long, hard delivery and 6 days in the hospital wasn't easy. When I got home it was hard, too. There were moments when I didn't think I could get through it.

I felt completely overwhelmed and in over my head. There were moments when I looked down at this little baby that I loved so much and wanted for so long and wondered how I could possibly go on for another second. I felt like I could not be a mother to him.

The guilt that came along with those feelings was... staggering. There I was with this precious baby who I had struggled to bring into this world and wanted for so long and I felt like he would be so much better off with someone else besides me. Because all I wanted was some sleep. And quiet. And time to myself.

I even manically suggested to my husband in the middle of the night that we better find him a new home. Because I couldn't possibly be a good mother and I knew so many couples who desperately wanted a baby and they would do such a better job than me.

These are hard things to admit. Even now the guilt for ever feeling that way overwhelms me.

I think as someone who struggled with infertility the guilt from these feelings can be a little more intense. It is like mommy guilt combined with IF guilt because you have what so many want and you can't get past the point where all you want to do is dissolve into tears 30 times a day.

It has been brought to my attention that it's possible I may have been suffering from a touch of postpartum depression.

Anything is possible, I suppose.

Now, though... I feel like I've turned a corner. B will be 12 weeks tomorrow (can you believe it?!? 12 weeks!!) and I cannot wait to hold him and play with him all day. He is so much fun and I have a blast with him. His crying does not overwhelm me like it did in the early days and we're all getting a little more sleep at night.

In the last week he has turned from a baby who was pretty fussy a lot of the time (different issues... colitis, colicky, gassy... you name it) into this baby who is always smiling and playing and pretty close to laughing (I can't wait for this one!).

Maybe I am feeling better about things because B has made the transition into this super happy baby or maybe I am just feeling more confident in myself as a mother. I don't know but I like it.

When he looks up at me and gives me that huge grin... It lights up my world. I am so thankful for him and I know we're going to be okay.

And just for fun (at least it's fun for me... because I'm obsessed with him) here is a little video of his latest accomplishment! (Forgive me... I'm one of those mothers who thinks everything her kid does is amazing. I can't help it).

Everything

2011-09-19T13:20:00.000-04:00

I've been MIA again.

Obviously, life has changed dramatically and I just haven't had the time to blog. Or read blogs. Or comment. Or even really think about them.

Everyone tells you to prepare yourself for your life to be turned upside down. You roll your eyes and think "Of course life is going to change! I'm not an idiot!! This is what I WANT!! Bring it on!!!"

But, man. It CHANGES. You know it will. You think you're prepared. You think you'll never be the mother with dead eyes, unshowered with dried spit up on your clothes, manically rocking a baby begging through tears for him to just PLEASE sleep. Just for an hour. PLEASE.

Well, at least, I thought that. I thought surely I had this on lockdown. I had experience with babies from my daycare days and I was so ahead of the game.

I was prepared. I had to be. I FOUGHT for this baby for close to two years so OBVIOUSLY it all had to be perfect and sunshine and rainbows.

No surprise that I was wrong again (you know, like back in the day when I thought I would be pregnant the month after going off the pill. Oh, how I can laugh at my naivety now).

Motherhood is EVERYTHING.

And by everything, I mean it in every sense of the word. I can't express the feeling that went through me when they pulled him out of me. I had grown detached through my long labor and eventual c-section. It didn't feel like a baby was coming at the end of all of it. It was abstract. I shut down.

But then they pulled him out. And they held him up and he cried. And it was like a shock just went through my body. All I could think as my emotions finally made a reappearance and I started crying was "There you are. I've waited for you. You're more perfect than I ever thought possible."

Motherhood is everything. It's completely overwhelming emotionally. This little creature depends on you for everything and the enormity of that becomes real. You realize that you would do ANYTHING to keep him safe and happy. He's everything and the focus of your life shifts.

Then you come home. And motherhood is everything. It's what you breathe and think of every second of the day. I won't say it's what you sleep because sleep really does become the most valuable and missed experience of your life. It's overwhelming. Everything about your existence is about this baby. It's wonderful and exhausting.

Last night we got back from a road trip with the little man to check out our new town we're moving to in a few months. And I realized I needed to do SOMETHING that wasn't baby related. Anything.

So this morning we all got up and got B fed and I handed him to the husband and told him he was on baby duty.

I then put on some Alanis super loud and started cleaning. Sweeping and mopping and dishes and dusting. It needed to be done. REALLY needed to be done.

And as I was singing as loud as I could to some old school jams (I mean, really, who doesn't love Ironic?!) I started to get flashbacks.

Flashbacks of the girl I once was. Before I was married. Before I was infertile. Before the treatments. Before everything. I remembered what it felt like to zoom down the highway with my windows down screaming along to some good music while smoking a cigarette (yes, I smoked. No, I don't anymore. And, yes, I occasionally miss it. Shoot me). I remembered that feeling of absolute freedom.

I remembered who I used to be. Completely carefree and fun. God, I was SO FUN! And funny. I loved to dance and joke and drink with my girlfriends. I don't feel fun anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I let being a wife swallow me up. And not to mention the years of infertility and how they took up my entire existence and became my only focus. And now B.

Let me be clear and say that I don't regret a single second of it. I love my husband so much and he's changed my life in so many wonderful ways and really through our relationship I grew up and have learned so much about myself and life. I love him and I love the things we've experienced as we've moved around the country together.

But, I don't want to lose myself either. I fear that I've let that happen over the last four years. And I fear that if I am not careful I will let motherhood do the same thing.

It's funny how a few hours of cleaning and good music can clarify things.

So, I'm here.

Struggling to find myself (again!) while trying to be a good wife, good mother, and heal from the scars of infertility.

Struggling to hold onto the remnants of the girl I once was while trying to become the woman I want to be.

Baby Boy

2011-08-23T22:18:00.000-04:00

Introducing Brady Conrad born August 3, 2011 6 lbs 5 oz.

He made his appearance after over two days of labor and a last minute c section. I know some women get upset about having to have a c section but I have absolutely NO REGRETS about any second of my birth experience.

I love this little man so much and although I am SO TIRED I am so so grateful for this blessing.

And he is REALLY freaking cute!!! The last three weeks have changed me forever.

How's that for my 100th blog post?!?!!? :)

Love the Way You Lie

2011-07-27T12:58:00.000-04:00

I lied.

I said in the last post I would only post that one belly picture but I completely forgot about our maternity pictures. I got them back yesterday and yes, I am going to have to post some.

In other news, I am 37 weeks 1 day. Full term!!! I am trying not to freak out about the whole pushing a pumpkin out of my hot pocket thing and at the same time I am so, so ready to get this kid out and meet him!!!

The hospital bag... still a work in progress. I do not know why it is so difficult for me to get this bag packed. It's half done and every time I go to finish it I think about how I would rather take a nap instead.

I am done with my class this coming Monday and I am so glad. This has been such a tough class for me. The actual class and assignments have not been that hard but the instructor is not my favorite and I've had no feedback from him and that is really frustrating. I feel like I haven't learned anything from him and combine that with really wanting to be done for a few months it's been a little overwhelming and frustrating.

I just need this baby to stay in until next Tuesday when class is officially done and then he can come ANYTIME he wants. The sooner the better! :)

We are so happy and so excited and cannot wait to meet this little man!!!

She's in Love with the Boy

2011-07-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

Here is my one and only belly picture that I will post here.

I'm getting really excited to meet this little man.

35 Weeks 5 Days

Survey Madness

2011-07-15T11:56:00.000-04:00

So I've seen this on a couple blogs and I've been meaning to do it for a couple months, so here goes...

How far along? 35 weeks 3 days
How big is baby? According to the WTE around 6 lbs.
Total weight gain/loss: I am still down about 16 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight
Best moment this week: Realizing that we have less than 5 weeks left!
Movement: He's moving all the time, mostly when I am laying down or eating. Which is pretty often.
Symptoms: Extreme hip pain, back pain, and fatigue. Also it's pretty hot out, so I overheat pretty easily.
Symptoms I DON'T have: The nausea and migraines from early pregnancy are gone.
Food cravings: chocolate cake, pasta, fried green tomatoes, and steak.
Food aversions: bacon. gross. And dairy makes me sick.
Gender: Boy. It's been confirmed on three different ultrasounds, so we're pretty confident.
Labor Signs: None, really. I've had some braxton hicks but that's it.
Belly Button in or out? Still in
What I miss: sleeping without waking up to pee every hour and being able to shave my own legs. :)
What I am looking forward to: Everything! Finishing up the nursery, meeting this little man, and eating ice cream again. Mmm.
Milestones: Packing the hospital bag and finishing up the nursery. :)

Gone

2011-07-01T11:46:00.000-04:00

It's July.

JULY.

This means I'm having a baby NEXT MONTH!!!!!

Holy crap!! Where the hell did the last 8 months go?!?

The anxiety may be starting to set in...

Not Falling Apart

2011-06-22T14:26:00.001-04:00

Yesterday started out as a normal day.

I got up, took the husband to work so I could have the car for the day, headed to my doctor appointment, ran errands and came home.

Yesterday afternoon, though, it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before. And my Dr. had a little trouble finding his heartbeat at my appointment that morning.

I did my best to remain calm. I really have not freaked out about anything since this pregnancy started. So I drank a large glass of orange juice and laid down on my side like they recommend to get the baby moving.

I laid down for an hour, switching sides, and nothing was happening. He wasn't moving at all.

Cue major freak out. I got in the car and started driving to my husband's office. I called him crying and told him what was happening and he had me call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me to head to the hospital.

I was pretty much hysterical. I got to my husband's office and we headed to the hospital.

They got me in pretty quickly and got me on the monitors. They found his heartbeat right away. They were showing me his movements on the monitors and I still couldn't feel him moving at all. They monitored him and me for a couple hours and in that time I only felt him once at the very end (and after a nurse came and started pressing on my belly) and according to the monitors he was moving constantly.

They did the ultrasound and apparently his back has turned to my belly and his hands and feet are facing my back making it more difficult for me to feel him move. My placenta also moved and is blocking some of his movements.

So, I'm not crazy. Or hormonal and over-reacting. Thank goodness.

I was so afraid I would go in and they would treat me like I was a hysterical, hormonal, crazy woman. But they didn't. They said I did all the right things by drinking the juice and lying down and when it didn't work, coming in. That made me feel so much better. I am so impressed by the staff at our hospital and I am now more happy than ever that we have chosen that hospital for this little man to be born at.

At the end of the night I was absolutely exhausted and could barely bring myself to drag myself into bed.

I am so thankful for my husband who was amazing through the whole thing and stayed very calm which calmed me down, too. He was just what I needed to keep me from going over the deep end (at least more than I already had). I love him and I am so grateful for him.

When it's all said and done, the little man is ok, perfect even, and although I was scared out of my mind for a few hours I will take that scare and the positive results over the alternative.

Now, I need no more scares for the next 7 1/2 weeks!!!!

Better Than This

2011-06-08T14:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess I should stop apologizing for being a craptastic blogger. It is what it is. Things are, as always, crazy busy.

As I type I am sitting in our brand new townhouse that we have not even moved into yet waiting while my cable and internet gets hooked up. We move this weekend and I am so excited to be in our new place. It doesn't hurt that it's much bigger than our apartment and LESS rent. Score.

Pregnancy wise I am over 30 weeks along now and going to the doctor every two weeks. I am in disbelief that I am this far along already! It seems like it has flown by and it's starting to hit me that I have less than ten weeks left and so much left to do and buy.

PCOS wise I am SYMPTOM FREE!!! Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have lost about 20 pounds. That occasionally fluctuates month to month but stays pretty consistent. I have had no skin breakouts in about 3 months and, this is one of the best parts.... I haven't had a man beard or had to wax my face in 2 MONTHS!!!

I talked to my doctor about it and he said it is very common for PCOS symptoms to disappear during pregnancy and while breastfeeding and that is most likely the cause of such a drop in my weight. Thank God!! And don't worry, I wasn't skinny to begin with so it's perfectly fine for me to be losing weight right now. :)

Basically, my plan is start working out like crazy after this little man gets here and hope my PCOS symptoms stay away and I can get a really great headstart on losing weight and managing this damn disease. I am REALLY excited about the possibilities!!

I have posts that I have been thinking about writing but haven't gotten around to yet... like about my baby shower. Maybe I'll have the time after this move is done.

Hiatus

2011-05-19T12:30:00.000-04:00

I think pregnancy has turned me into an awful blogger.

Things have been so incredibly busy and quite honestly, my last class kind of kicked my ass. I'm glad for it to be over and onto the next one.

I did, however, notice that my last two posts were completely centered around penises. Hmmm. I guess it was a nice break from the year's worth of posts about my ovaries and uterus.

Speaking of my uterus, I am 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Officially in my third trimester! I am so overwhelmed, grateful and humbled to be here. It has been an amazing journey so far.

I have looked back over the years and months it took me to get here and I wonder if I would change anything. Would I change my experiences and wish the infertility away?

I don't think I would. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure so far in this life but it honestly taught me so much. The biggest was to be thankful for every moment.

Every night I lay down to go to sleep and I feel this little boy moving inside my stomach and kicking and punching and rolling and I am so incredibly thankful. This is a blessing that is so truly wonderful and if I had not gone through what I did (and what I most likely will in the future if we want more kids) I would not have the perspective I have now.

I hope it makes me the mommy that I truly want to be.

Things you Shouldn't Shriek in Public

2011-04-06T18:36:00.001-04:00

Number One: "Oh my god!! I'm growing a PENIS!!"

You should especially not shriek this in a very crowded Target and most especially not if you're a woman wearing baggy clothes and the strangers who gape at you can't tell you're pregnant with a boy and don't realize you're on your cell phone.

Trust me on this one, people.

Great Balls of Fire

2011-04-04T14:38:00.000-04:00

WARNING: If you are at all easily shocked, offended or super conservative you should probably stop reading right now.

This last weekend my in laws came into town. They are really great and I always enjoy spending time with them. Saturday we decided to go to the beach so the Husband and his Dad could fish and we could lay out.

My husband had found a beach that we hadn't been to before and had gotten good reviews so we decided to try something new.

We just didn't know how new it was going to be.

We walked over the boardwalk at the beach and immediately noticed that 90% of the people were naked. Very, very naked.

We went by accident but when we walked on and noticed all the nekkids we also noticed that it wasn't too crowded, there were no screaming kids, and people were fishing from the shore. All a plus. So we decided to stay in spite of the penis free for all.

We were there for an hour or two and my husband and FIL were in the water fishing and me and the MIL are laying out (in bathing suits, just to be clear) when a very tan man wearing only a tight fitted crop top and a fringed straw hat comes strolling up to us. Basically he asks if it's our first time there and why we're not naked and how we should strip down and get an all over tan.

Let me just say this... We were sitting. He was not. And he was right on the edge of my towel. And uncircumcised. (first uncircumcised man I've ever seen in person AND he was NOT young at all). Finally, he went on his merry way.

It was awkward to say the least.

We laughed about it and moved on. We were there for almost 5 hours and there were way too many penises for my taste but I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts so thankfully I couldn't see much.

We were packing up to leave and I put my glasses on (really why did I need to do that?!?) and my MIL points out something interesting...

An old couple GOING AT IT.

And by going at it I mean her legs were spread WIDE as they could go and he had his face buried in her crotch and his ass in the air. To say the least, we were ALL in shock. And then...

Old man penetrates. And he is full on sticking it to his little old lady wife. They are not even TRYING to hide or be discreet. Full out on the beach in front of EVERYONE geriatric sex.

So yeah. That's what I did with my in laws this last weekend.

What did you guys do!?!?

20 Weeks and More

2011-04-01T09:25:00.000-04:00

This week I hit the 20 week mark.

I am humbled and amazed to be at this point. It seems like the time has just sailed by and it's making me realize that this second half will, too.

I never, ever thought that I would just coast through a pregnancy like this. I truly expected for there to be problems with this pregnancy to worry and stress over. Partly because of my mother's history of miscarriages and partly because I think, as an infertile woman, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my body to fail me yet again.

But... it didn't. I am here. There hasn't been one thing to be concerned about at all. No spotting, no unusual cramping, nothing. I am truly amazed and humbled at my good fortune.

I've also managed to stay pretty calm. I haven't freaked out at the slightest twinges or aches and pains. I've taken everything in stride.

I think my husband is a little shocked by that.

This pregnancy has been easy for the most part but their have been some rough moments. Physically your body goes through so many changes and even when you know about them beforehand, when it's happening to you, it can be a little rough. I'm thankful for each moment but I'm even more thankful to be past the puking multiple times a day moments!!

I think that I've been shying away from blogging because I'm scared of the judgment. When I was going through treatment all the misconceptions and judgments about what I was doing and how far I was willing to go for a baby hurt me. A lot. I was hurt when family members wouldn't acknowledge it or would make offhand comments invalidating what we were going through and I was hurt by people's ignorance. And shocked.

Now, I find that there is no judgment like there is for a pregnant woman and as a parent. It's especially evident on the internet. People will spew the nastiest comments towards anyone they think isn't doing a good job as a parent (for example, the breastfeeding vs. formula debate) whether their child is born or not. I am astounded at the audacity of people. It has made me nervous to be completely honest about how I feel, the things I do, and how I plan on raising my child.

It has all made me a shy blogger when I wasn't before.

I'm also worried about being judged by my fellow infertiles.

Because, you know what? I DID post my pee stick on Facebook. And I DO put ultrasound pictures up. And I DO talk about being pregnant. I try to be careful not to do it constantly but it is my life and this is what is happening in it right now. And I posted those pictures because I spent two years being jealous of those pictures and it felt like a right of passage.

A right of passage that I'd been longing for. So, no, I didn't deny myself those small pleasures. I felt like I earned them.

A few months ago I read a blog post by someone (I can't remember who now) absolutely blasting women who did these things, calling them stupid and lame. I read on Twitter all the time posts against doing these things. The bitterness is actually a little scary. I was kind of shocked when I first saw things like this.

I remember all too well being hurt when people made pregnancy announcements. I would take time to rail and rant and ask 'Why not me?'. But I think I was only truly angry about them when it was someone who I thought would not be a good parent (yeah, I know, judgmental. We all do it). When I saw someone who was abusive or neglectful fall pregnant... that was so much harder.

But when did this community get to a place where women rail against other women who are proud and excited to become mommies?

It bothers me. It always has.

Does it absolutely suck that some women and couples get pregnant with no problems and some of us struggle and go through unbelievable heartbreak? Yes. It does. Unquestionably.

But shouldn't we be thankful and glad at the same time that these babies are being welcomed into a home that is filled with such love and excitement at their arrival?

My best friend in the world happens to be one of the most fertile women on the planet. She's 39 weeks with her second son right now and both times she tried to get pregnant it happened on the first month. Let me tell you, I was and am jealous of her reproductive organs. (She's also skinny and gorgeous... hello salt on an open wound).

When she called me and told me she was pregnant last August it was hard. Really hard. She knew how hard it would be for me. She had been by my side through everything, which is why she called me before posting it on Facebook. I fought back my tears as I congratulated her. And when I got off the phone I cried like I had never cried before. Not because I wasn't happy for her but because I was sad for myself. My heart broke that night because I wanted what she had so much.

At the same time, I never begrudged her right to post about pregnancy and put up those ultrasound pictures because I know what a great and wonderful mommy she is. I could feel her excitement and love for that baby with every post. And it made me so happy to see her family growing.

All this to say that all these feelings and being scared of judgment has turned me into a shy and infrequent blogger. But no more. I am here and these are my feelings and life. I may lose followers (I actually already have lost many... there really is something to it when people get pregnant after a struggle... the support, the love, and the commenting go away for the most part. It's kind of isolating.); but I am going to post how I feel.

Judgment be damned.

ICLW

2011-03-21T15:55:00.002-04:00

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page (the one with the dog).

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!

2011-03-17T20:44:00.001-04:00

The bad blogger award goes to.... ME!!!

This last week or so has been a huge whirlwind and I've barely had time to catch my breath!

Tuesday was the husband and my wedding anniversary but it was also another big day for us. We found out the gender of the lil nug!! :)

Turns out... we're having a BOY!!!

I was truly shocked. I thought with everything in me that we were having a girl. To the point where I got really pretty upset with myself the night before the ultrasound because I had been leaning so hard towards a girl and I did NOT want to be disappointed in any way after all it took for us to get to this point.

So, when the ultrasound tech said it looks like a boy, I was shocked but I was in NO WAY disappointed. It definitely takes some getting used to. If you can't tell I'm super girly (if the hot pink blog didn't clue you in) and I do feel a bit lost thinking about how to raise a boy. But as my husband says, That's what he is there for!

I am so excited and ready to shop! I am also so relieved that the baby looks great and he is measuring right on track to the very day. My ob says that's a little unusual and usually things are either measuring a few days ahead or behind but this baby is just right on time.

I hope that speaks highly of his future punctuality!

At the end of the day, all I can say is:

TAKE THAT, PCOS!!!!!!!!!

Then

2011-03-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

In two days my two year wedding anniversary will be here.

It feels like time as flown.

I'll be brutally honest here... the first year was harder than I ever thought it could be. I thought our first year would be so easy because we lived together before we got married. Not the case, my friends.

There were times when I really wondered if we would make it. We had huge challenges and struggles that a lot of people never have to deal with (think clomid).

This second year has had it's challenges but it has truly been easier than the first. I feel like the husband and I have been at such a good place. We've learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We've definitely learned to communicate more effectively and we've learned to be more understanding of the other. We've learned to give each other more grace.

Every single day we choose to love each other. I look at him and think that I would choose this man every single day over and over again, no matter what.

We're definitely not perfect in all that we do but we've come a long way.

I can honestly say that each year with him is better than the last. Each day I wake up next to this man I count myself incredibly blessed. He makes me laugh and listens to my crazy rants, takes incredible care of me and even spoils me with purses and back rubs.

I don't know that I can ask much more than that!

He's also pretty damn cute!

Happy Anniversary, Baby!! I love you more today than I ever thought possible!!

Makes Me Wonder

2011-03-11T22:13:00.001-05:00

My Dad was just in town for a visit. 12 whole days.

It was a good visit but having a guest for that long... well, it's a long time!

I have mixed feelings right now. I am all over the place with how I feel. I've never had a great relationship with my Dad. It's been a lot of hurt and hope and disappointment.

I'm slowly but surely trying to find a way to trust that he is trying to have a relationship with me and not wall myself off. After 25 years of being let down... it's not that easy. But I'm trying.

The husband and I went to start our baby registry this last weekend and when we got back to the apartment I was talking to my Dad about all the things we need and how expensive they are.

He told me that he had $1000 set aside for the baby. That he wanted to buy the crib and mattress and crib bedding. He didn't want to just give us money because he wanted to feel like he was getting an actual gift for the baby.

I was shocked. I almost didn't even have anything to say and I finally stuttered out a thank you.

This is the man who once sent me the same DVD 3 years in a row for my birthday while getting my brother things like kayaks. (Ok, I swear I'm not jealous of my brother at all, or materialistic... I was just very hurt at the differences).

This is the man who once (many years ago) refused to lend me $50 when I was short on a bill because he wanted to give money to my brother to pay for his ski trip.

I never asked him for anything after that.

So when out of nowhere he made this announcement I was stunned. And I honestly did not know how to react.

He later told my husband privately that he'd really like us to get a video camera with the rest of the money so we could send him videos of the baby.

This made me cry.

And, yes, I am crying while I write this.

I, literally, don't know who this person is and I have no idea how to react to it at all.

Honestly, a tiny itty bitty part of me is wondering where this person was 28 years ago and why my birth wasn't as momentous. And, maybe I am a tiny bit jealous, too.

But the majority of me is happily stunned that this baby is already so loved and will get the chance at a relationship with my Dad that I never had.

I look forward to seeing how their relationship plays out.

And I find myself wondering if people really can change?

Surf Wax America

2011-03-02T23:01:00.001-05:00

I know I haven't been around in awhile and it may still be a bit. There is a lot going on and I am super busy.

But until then, here is this....

MY DAD!! He's here visiting for a few weeks and today I convinced him to take this picture. It makes me laugh so much.

What's made you laugh lately?

I'm NOT too Sexy

2011-02-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

Today marked a milestone in my life.

I hope.

Today, I do believe I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I hope. Please, God, let this be it.

After being a hermit for 9 long days and not leaving my house once (I'm kinda proud of that) I ventured out today. Grocery shopping needed to be done and errands needed to be run.

All was going well until I was in the grocery store, looking at the seafood (for my husband, not me. I hate seafood) when something happened. Something horribly familiar.

I froze in my moment of panic and looked around and realized that I had two choices in front of me. My Coach purse or the floor.

The choice was obvious.

I doubled over and puked all over the floor. I lost my lunch right there in the middle of a crowded grocery store and people were all around. And I couldn't stop.

When I was done I hightailed it. I didn't know what else to do. I just ran. A little old lady started chasing me yelling and asking if I was alright but I was simply too humiliated to stop.

And now.... Now I need to find a new grocery store because obviously I can never go there ever again.

I would just like to let the Universe know that I have officially reached my lifetime cap on embarrassing moments. So, Universe, give the rest you had stored up for me to someone else. I don't need them anymore.

12 Weeks

2011-02-02T22:02:00.000-05:00

I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.

I just want to take a moment and reflect on that. I also want to say how incredibly grateful I am to be at this point. I am overwhelmed.

This last week or so has been a little hectic. I went to my first ob appointment and I was less than thrilled with the OB. She was pretty rude the whole time and pretty much called me a liar and also did not seem to understand PCOS and all that went with it. She was a... treat.

I did get an ultrasound, though.

This is the lil nug at 11 weeks. This ultrasound really hit me in such a more emotional way than the others before it. Even more than seeing and hearing the heartbeat because at this ultrasound I got to see the lil nug MOVE. It was... unbelievable. There was my tiny little baby wiggling around and waving it's tiny arms and legs. It truly looked like it was dancing. And it's really starting to look like a REAL baby! It was an amazing moment.

Needless to say I decided to ditch that Ob, though. She was a real bitch. I got set up with another OB and I really like him so I think we'll stick with him.

Other than doctor appointments this last week has been mostly about me staying in bed. I got a migraine that kept me down for a day and my nausea has made a reappearance which has kept me pretty useless the last week.

I wanted to be pregnant for such a long time. I knew there were aspects to pregnancy that would not be easy and would challenge me but I think I also majorly romanticized it. I thought if I can just get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy than nothing else will matter. And to a certain extent that is absolutely true. I am thrilled to be pregnant.

But, physically, this is hard. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. This isn't me complaining about being pregnant at all. This is me being completely realistic. It is just... hard.

Now, would I trade any of the difficulty? Absolutely not. Because the end reward will be worth it times a thousand. But I definitely glossed over the difficult aspects of this in my mind and I have most assuredly gotten my reality check!!!

In other news, I am changing my degree plan. I was working on my associates and then when finished with that was going to transfer to my Bachelor's but I decided to go ahead and switch over to my bachelor's program now. The classes are shorter and I will be able to make my schedule a little more family friendly.

My husband will be done with his last class of his degree soon and I can't wait until he can take a break from school and just relax a little. He has been in school non-stop for over three years only taking two weeks off a year and I can't wait to see him be able to relax and enjoy himself for a bit. He works way too hard.

Again, this post was a little all over the place and had no real theme or goal. Sorry I've been so scattered. Hopefully as I get into this second trimester I will be feeling more like myself and be more dedicated. Until then, I'm thinking about you all and I can't wait to hear about more BFP's!!!!

I'm not Dead

2011-01-23T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I have been a really bad blogger lately.

Between trying to be a good student (semi-successful), being a good wife and getting dinner on the table every night (VERY unsuccessful) and keeping my house from being a complete wreck and doing laundry (dude. COMPLETE FAILURE); I have let a few things slip through the cracks. Sorry about that.

There are a couple things I've been thinking about these last few weeks on my blogging break. The first is that I am ready to put my pregnancy guilt aside and start celebrating this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am, ALWAYS, still pulling for all of you but for me, it is time to embrace this time in my life.

The first step was donating my unused follistim to my clinic to be given to a couple who really, really needed it. It was my personal leap of faith that this pregnancy will be 100% successful. My husband was reluctant to let them go that soon but once I explained to him why I needed to do it he was on board.

I hope that my good luck was sent along with my meds to someone who really needs it.

Also, we made our first baby purchase a few weeks ago. It was just a onesie and matching bib but it was fun to be finally investing myself fully in this miracle.

Yep. We bought a thanksgiving onesie. I could not find anything else that was gender neutral that I could get on board with. Gender neutral baby clothes tend to lean towards a lot of yellow and ducks.

A few of you have asked what was in my graduation bag and it wasn't too exciting but I did get a few magazines, samples and a few diapers in a nice blue canvas bag with my clinic's motto on it "Where dreams are conceived."

Anyway, this post is a little bit all over the place and kind of a catch all with no real theme but I do promise not to be so absent in the future!

A Perfect Moment

2011-01-07T12:00:00.002-05:00

We got to see the lil nug again the other day. Everything is right on track and perfect. Heart rate was 180 and I got much more emotional this time around hearing that heartbeat. I don't think it sunk in with me last time that it was truly what I was hearing.

I am now officially released from my clinic and I even got a graduation gift bag. That made me laugh. I had no idea there were graduation gifts beyond a healthy pregnancy and baby.

My first OB appointment isn't until January 25 and hopefully everything will still be look excellent then, too.

Life is not Fair

2011-01-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

This is something that I have come to realize more and more lately.

Obviously, it was something that I lamented over the long 21 months that the husband and I tried to conceive. It was often a battle cry for me, "This isn't FAIR!" and "Why me?!".

Now that I have achieved the goal of getting pregnant and everything seems to be going very well I am still asking the same questions.

I feel it isn't fair that I am here carrying my dream when there are so many of you out there who are not. My heart aches for all of you so much. I think when I was going through infertility myself my heart was aching too much for myself for there to be room for it to ache for all of you. And now I am here, heart breaking that so many of you haven't made it here yet.

I do believe that you will all have your families. I do. With everything in me I know that all of us will end up with our happy families in the end. One way or another. We're too determined and deserving. I just have to believe that this will happen for all of us. One way or another.

I just had to get this out. I had to let you all know that as happy as I am for myself (and make no mistake I am crazy happy for my good luck) I am still thinking of all of you and praying for you every single day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I am pulling for each and every one of you.

Jumbled

2010-12-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

My mind is in a jumble.

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how I am feeling lately and I just do not know how to explain it. It's all jumbled in my head and I do not know how to figure it out.

I am so happy about this pregnancy but I don't know that I'm fully invested in it yet. I am infertile and when it comes down to it, I think when you've dealt with so much heartache and disappointment you're always waiting for the next heartbreak. For the other shoe to drop.

I think that is how I am feeling about being pregnant. I've wanted this so badly and for so long but I'm scared to trust it. I'm scared to fully invest myself in this little miracle inside me.

I can say that I am thrilled to be pregnant. Because I am, totally and completely. But there is this other part of me that feels detached from it, as well.

Maybe this is my way to subconsciously help protect myself in case something does go wrong (although how you protect yourself from something like that, I don't know).

Or maybe I'm just a little effed up.

Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas

2010-12-25T12:30:00.001-05:00

I hope that the Holiday season has been Merry and Bright for all of you!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

ICLW

2010-12-21T11:52:00.001-05:00

It's ICLW time again. If any of you don't know what ICLW is please click on the link on the left hand side of the page.

If you're new here to this lil blog Welcome!!

Instead of writing out a whole post about our journey it's all under the about tab at the top of the page.

I'm excited for this month's week of commenting and so excited to get to know some new people and some new blogs!

Baby Mine

2010-12-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Just ONE lil nug in there!!!

We saw AND heard the heartbeat and the Doctor said everything looks perfect!!! :)

I go in two weeks from now for one more ultrasound to make sure we're still right on track and then I'm released to a regular OB.

One Year Ago...

2010-12-20T21:52:00.000-05:00

One year ago today I wrote my first blog post. I was on my second day of my first dose of clomid.

When I look back over this year and all that has happened and how far we have come I feel so humbled and blessed.

This last year has definitely had its ups and downs. I cried more tears than I thought possible but at the end of the day I ended up just where I wanted to be... with a husband I love more and more everyday and a baby in my belly.

What more can I ask for?

Thank you all for following my journey and for all the support and love I've gotten over the last year has astounded me. I love following your stories and I hope and pray that we all end up with our heart's desires.

Please feel free to follow and like me on Twitter and Facebook.

Because We Can

2010-12-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

The other day I was walking through Target and I let myself do something that I haven't let myself do in a very long time.

I walked through the baby section.

At first, as I walked through I felt sad because I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to buy things from this section for myself and my baby.

And then I remembered... Oh yeah. I'm pregnant!

As I continued on through I really felt like an intruder. I felt like I was in trespassing and about to eat the forbidden fruit. I found myself glancing over my shoulder waiting for someone to tell me to get out because I obviously was not a mommy and not allowed. I felt like an intruder.

I reached out and was about to buy myself a plain pack of white onesies (gender neutral people) and I couldn't do it. I felt like I didn't deserve to buy something like that yet.

courtesy of google images

This pregnancy has not sunk in yet (despite the rapidly increasing morning sickness).

I don't feel like I belong in the pregnancy club.

But I don't feel like I belong in the infertility club either, anymore.

I feel like I am in a bit of a no man's land and I am hoping I find where I fit soon.

Both Sides Now

2010-12-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

First, I want to thank all of you so much for all the love and support I've gotten over the last few days. I am truly overwhelmed and grateful to share my story with all of you.

For the last few days I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want to handle this pregnancy here on the blog. I want to handle it with sensitivity and I also want to rejoice and celebrate this time in my life.

Let's be honest here, there is a gushing pregnant woman inside me dying to get out. I want to celebrate this time in my life and be able to document the milestones of my pregnancy. And I feel like I deserve that. I worked for this pregnancy. I poured my heart and soul into the process of getting here and I earned it. I do not want to ignore that and I do not think I should have to.

At the same time, I know how much of a blow positive pregnancy tests are to all of you who are still in the trenches. I know how it makes you ache and ask 'why not me?' Even when it is someone who deserves that BFP it is still a hard blow. I know that. It is something that I struggled with for almost two years.

And I will be a little more honest here.... I have a bit of survivors guilt. I feel a little guilty that I got here when all of you wonderful women are still fighting to get here. I wish I could express how much I want this for all of you.

I also want to keep this blog true to what it started as. It started out as a way to document my journey with infertility and to parenthood. At it's core this blog is about infertility and the struggles that go along with it and while I want to recognize and revel in my pregnancy I do not want to forget my roots.

So, please, bear with me as I struggle to find the right line between pregnancy and the last two years that brought me to this moment.

Infertility Support Group

2010-12-13T22:27:00.000-05:00

If any of you are in the Orlando area tomorrow night is our last Resolve Infertility Support Group of the year.

It is so helpful to meet with women/couples who truly understand what you are going through.

If anyone would like to attend please email me at sparklesandfairytales@gmail.com for more information.

We would LOVE to have you!!

Beta Time

2010-12-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

2nd beta at 20 dpo: 1704!!

I think this lil nug is here to stay!! :)

Do you Believe in Magic?

2010-12-11T18:12:00.000-05:00

Because I officially do!

That's right! I am PREGNANT!!

And in complete shock!!

I was SO convinced that this last cycle was just not going to work and I stopped caring. I literally had the next cycle planned all out and knew I could cycle without Christmas interfering. It's just how it was going to go. I didn't test once, didn't even think about it. So when I didn't start at exactly 17 dpo like I always do (I have a consistent 16 day luteal phase) I was also convinced that my body was messing with me and I was starting to get really pissed off.

But a tiny, tiny voice in my head said... what if?

So I waited it all out on Wednesday analyzing every twinge and cramp convinced that I would start any minute because I was cramping steadily... not hard or super painful, just constant.

I took a bubble bath with a good book and I took myself to bed.

I woke up at 5 am on Thursday and had to pee and made myself stay in bed as long as I could because I was trying to delay the inevitable negative.

The test turned positive before I even got the cap on it! I was in such SHOCK!!! I was just standing in my bathroom shaking and saying 'Holy sh*t!!' over and over and over again.

I went in for my first beta at 9:30 in the morning and when the nurse called she said, 'honey, you should lay down and take a nap because you are very, very pregnant.'

WHAAAAT?!?

First beta: 543
Progesterone: greater than 20
Due Date: August 16, 2011

I have my second beta on Saturday (and since I am setting this to auto-post I will already have those results and will update you all asap).

I wanted to share with all of you right away but now that this lil blog is so much more public and connected to facebook I didn't want my in-laws to see it because we are telling them in person this weekend.

I am so overwhelmed and this really does not seem real, yet. At all. But one thing I do know is I am so, so grateful.

After 21 months of trying my dream is finally coming true. Thank you God.

The Good Life

2010-12-09T18:53:00.000-05:00

I've definitely calmed down after my angry rant the other day. I'm calmer and in a better place but I still stand behind that rant because those feelings were and are so real and I think it's important to recognize that anger that we've all felt going through this journey.

But, on a more positive note, this weekend I will be travelling to Savannah, GA to celebrate this man and his amazing accomplishments.

He is graduating with his Bachelor's degree this Sunday and I could not be more proud of him and how hard he has worked.

I cannot WAIT to watch my baby walk that stage!

I love my husband more and more each day and I will never know how I got so lucky to marry someone as amazing as he is!!

Can't Fight this Feeling

2010-12-07T19:39:00.000-05:00

I am angry. Very, very angry.

And annoyed and irritated and frustrated and overwhelmed.

And I probably shouldn't be blogging and sending all this negativity out but I'm going to do it anyway.

I am angry at this stupid effing disease. It is all SO UNFAIR. I am angry that it affects me and is tearing the chance to be a mommy away from me. I am angry that it affects my husband and takes away his chances for a baby together. I am angry that it affects friends of mine who deal with it, as well. I am really angry that it even exists.

I am angry that people, in an effort to be nice and supportive, say dumbass things that are actually condescending and hurtful. (and yes, that makes me sound really bitchy because they all mean well, but there it is)

I am so angry that people who don't love their children are able to have them and I am not. And yes, that's judgmental. Sue me. But I see so many people who are AWFUL to their children or constantly complain about them and that is all I want in the world. All I want is to be able to have a child. And all these people are able to and I am not. That makes me angry.

I only want one. Is that too much to ask!?!?!

I am angry and frustrated that I can't fix certain problems for my family. I feel powerless and overwhelmed that I am not there to help and that makes me feel awful.

And worried. I am worried. I am so worried about what my life will look like with no children. As I have stated before we do not feel like adoption is the way to go for us so if I don't get pregnant... that's it. I am worried about my ability to face that impending truth.

I am worried that I will never be able to let this go. And THAT makes me angry.

I am a ball of anger and negative emotion right now.

I don't know how to get out of this funk.

Yesterday...

2010-12-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

the baby fever won!!

We went to Petsmart on a Saturday and just HAD to walk by the adoption center. I saw this little face and fell in love. My husband promptly adopted her for me for Christmas.

She's adorable. And I have something small and squidgy to pour all my baby fever into right now. I needed that. I need a place to put all this...

Anyway, meet Daphne!! She's pretty awesome! :D

Oh god, she's SO CUTE! Forget blogging, I am going to go snug this lil baby right now!! :)

This Cycle is Wack

2010-12-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

Tonight the husband and I put up the Christmas Tree. Yes, it's capitalized. Because it makes me extremely happy. I love Christmas. I've always loved it but since me and the husband started dating in November way back when Christmas makes me think of the stunning, quick, tumble into love and how fascinated we were with each other. It was that exciting time of the relationship where everything is butterflies and tingles. I truly fell in love with him over the holiday season. It just makes this time of year even more special to me.

As for my cycle, I triggered on the Sunday before Thanksgiving so that makes me... 11 dpo and on cycle day 24. I, literally, just had to pull up the calendar on my computer to count that out. I have not kept track of a single thing about this cycle. I made all the right moves, swallowed my pills right on time, injected when I was supposed to, got busy when told... But other than that it's really like I'm not cycling at all, right now. Honestly, it's been a huge relief.

And, really, I'm not a new and improved more zen person. I think I've just truly gotten to the place where I just don't think it's possible anymore.

Tonight while we were decorating the tree the husband mentioned that he was planning on buying me an ornament but he was waiting to hear if there would be baby news first. I said, "Don't hold your breath."

He asked why.

"Because I'm not pregnant and honestly, I don't think I ever will be. It's just not going to happen."

I've lost all hope. I'm not upset or devastated. I'm truly apathetic and I truly believe that I will never be pregnant. But I keep on cycling. Because, I can, I guess. Everything is covered by insurance, even my meds, so why not?

But, really, I don't think I'm a more peaceful person. I've given up in every way except physically. Physically I am still on the cycle train but emotionally and mentally I am still at the depot. I am just not invested in this game anymore.

Yet, I still know I will cycle next month when this cycle inevitably fails.

Like, I said, this cycle is wack.

Or maybe it's just me.

25 to Life

2010-12-01T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am safely home from Boston. It was a good trip and I was excited to share that part of my childhood with my Husband. He loved Boston and I loved showing it to him.

The trip itself brought up a lot of emotions in me. I spent every summer in New England growing up visiting my Dad, Aunts, and Grandparents. My parents split up when I was three months old and when we were old enough my brothers and I spent a month of every summer there with our family.

For me, when a school year would end I was, of course, excited about summer vacation but it was more about seeing my Dad. I only saw him once or twice a year at the most and those summer visits were so looked forward to. Every year I went out with my hopes and excitement soaring and every year I was disappointed. My Dad just wasn't the man and the father that I had built up in my head. I always ended up being sorely disappointed and left heartbroken.

There are way too many issues and circumstances for me to go into here but let's just say that he seemed much more interested in time with my brothers and I was left with whatever relative was free. I so badly wanted a Daddy and I never got one. Even through my teenage years I fought for a relationship with him and it just never seemed to happen.

In hindsight, I still have a very hard time forgiving the unintentionally cruel things that he said to me without thinking. Words can cut deep and leave lasting scars. But, overall, I think that he just had no idea what to do with a daughter. With my brothers they could go fishing and all that fun boy stuff but with me... I wanted glitter and mermaids and he had no idea how to deal with that. So he left it up to his sister and his parents.

Finally, when I was 25 I decided I was done. I was done trying to be close with him and I worked at trying to accept that we would only have a very surface relationship with no real meat to it.

When I was 25 I got engaged. And of course, I told my Dad and begged him to walk me down the aisle. He reluctantly agreed.

My wedding came around when I was 26 and he walked me down that aisle and even danced with me at the reception (after my new husband decided to take matters into his own hands and just have the father daughter dance announced and trapped him into it).

After the wedding, something changed. My Dad started calling me a lot. He checked in about once a week to see how I was. It was a strange shift and I had a hard time with it. I had written him off, I no longer had it in me to try. And most of all I didn't want my heart broken anymore. But he stayed consistent. He kept calling and it felt like he really wanted to make an effort to be in my life. So I let myself hope one more time. Hoping that this wouldn't be a repeat performance. But he kept calling and making an effort.

While my husband and I were in Boston my Dad pulled out an old box of letters that my brothers and I had written him growing up. Some were funny, and most of mine were utter ridiculousness. But throughout them all there was a desperate tone. From all three of us there were desperate pleas that you could read between the lines. Sometimes it wasn't even between the lines... Outright questions.

"Where are you?"
"Where are you living?"
"When will we see you next?"
"Please don't forget that I love you."

All of us, at some point, wrote these words.

In one memorable, melodramatic moment my 10 year old self apologized for being born and being the cause of the divorce.

All I could think as I read these letters is that all of us were desperate for this man to love us. It honestly took me back to all those feelings and broke my heart all over again.

My husband reminded me that he was still trying and I shouldn't shut down. So I struggled not to.

And I ended up having a great visit with my Dad. We hung out, we went and saw the sights and we laughed together.

My husband pointed out that my Dad and I have the same ridiculous sense of humor. It was a revelation to me. I had never considered that I would have something in common with this man who I had chased after my whole life.

And all I could think was... we finally share something. We can laugh together.

It's not the relationship that I yearned for growing up and it's not a replacement for the years of broken hearts and tears because I didn't have a Daddy. But it is a place to start.

My Dad will never be someone I can go to with every hurt and he will never be the one to comfort me when I cry. But we can laugh together.

And that's something, isn't it?

Storms Brewing

2010-11-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

I have been out of town (actually still in chilly, chilly Boston) and have had very limited internet access so I have not had the chance to update here or anywhere, really.

There are things that I need to say and will be saying here soon when I have the time and the space to get emotional. I just don't have that freedom right now while still on vacation visiting the family.

Our vacation has been fun and eventful and the Husband has greatly enjoyed New England and today got the fun experience of hitting up the Freedom Trail and soaking in some history, which he really, really loves.

I have enjoyed showing him my favorite childhood spots from my summer vacations here to see family.

As for the two week wait... It has barely registered with me. We have been so busy having fun and spending time with family that I have barely noticed the days slipping by. For that I am truly thankful.

I will be home in a few days and will be able to really get into the thoughts that have been swirling lately.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

I thought I would do a short post about something that I am thankful for (and yes, there are things to be thankful for in the midst of this infertility crap).

The number one thing that I am thankful for is my Husband. He loves me day in and day out when I am mad, sad, annoying and frustrating. He takes care of me when I am sick, sad and happy and well. He truly loves me in ways that I never thought possible.

No matter what happens I am incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful man who loves me and would do anything to make me happy.

And... In honor of Thanksgiving... here is a fun picture of me with the first Turkey I ever cooked. His name was Tucker and he was delicious.

Yep. That's a picture of me taking a picture of myself with my first turkey! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Party for Two

2010-11-21T11:59:00.001-05:00

Tonight I will inject my trigger shots (and for any of you that do not know these shots will force my ovaries to release eggs out of three mature follicles I have... Yep, folks! It's another triple O!). Sexy time will start tonight and continue for the next three nights in the hopes of catching at least one of the three eggs released.

The hunt is on!!

Hopefully no injuries this time!! :)

I never went back for an extra ultrasound and blood work. I decided to keep on riding the apathy train and trust Dr. Baby as he has not steered me wrong yet (and I seriously adore him as a doctor). I also won't have to go and get my progesterone checked in seven days because I am going to be out of town. They are quite confident that I will ovulate with the trigger shots because I have been responding so well.

I have continued to be as non-stressed about this cycle as possible. I haven't thought about it that much. It's in the back of my mind, occasionally, but I'm much more focused on our trip to Boston for Thanksgiving to see my family and Christmas decorating and my wonderful Husband's upcoming graduation from College.

I will of course do everything in my power to continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next New Mother, but it is not consuming me like it has in past cycles. I am not worried. I am not stressed and I am NOT obsessing. I have to say that it is a nice break for me and I am sure, for my husband.

I cannot help but hope that I continue feeling slightly apathetic because it's actually a giant relief!!

My Give a Damn's Busted

2010-11-18T17:57:00.000-05:00

I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound and E2 bloodwork this morning. I also had them check on my thyroid because I have been really feeling sluggish lately and I just felt like my thyroid must be really off. So my thyroid medication will be increased.

Follicle wise I have a 13, a 12 and an 11 (and for those that don't know, we want the follicles on the ovaries to be at an 18 before it should release an egg and they should grow about 2 mm a day if not more with the injections). Soooo, basically, we've got three potential eggs going on again even with the reduced follistim.

My E2 came back fine but just like I guessed my thyroid wasn't in a normal range. I am so glad that I had them check on that because it's so important to have normal thyroid levels when TTC and in pregnancy.

Because it's Thursday I am to do another dose of the 75 iu's of follistim tomorrow night and then do my trigger shots Sunday night. Because I have been responding so well to this cocktail of meds I don't even have to go in for another ultrasound. I am welcome to, of course, and can go in on Saturday or Sunday but Dr. Baby is comfortable having me continue as is without another ultrasound and bloodwork.

Something hit me last night... this cycle I am completely apathetic. I am making all the right moves and taking all the correct meds and doing my shots when I need to and following all the 'rules'. But... I just don't care. I literally wasn't worried about this morning's ultrasound. I mean, I was glad I didn't get bad news, but I wasn't excited like I have been in past cycles. I have been very 'eh' about it all.

I am not full of hope and optimism for this cycle and have in fact counted out the days to make sure that I can cycle in December and that Christmas will not interfere with me cycling. And I am good on that count. I can cycle in December without any interference from the Holidays.

I don't know if I am subconsciously protecting myself from the heartbreak of last cycle. I probably am. Because let's face it... I'm still recovering from that horrible let down and the complete idiocy I let my mind take me to.

Good news about being so apathetic is that I've barely been paying attention or obsessing at all. I've barely been able to keep track of my cycle days and had to set alarms on my phone to remind me when to do my injections and take my pills.

Hopefully, this bodes well for the two week wait. I hope that I remain sane through it all.

Overall, I did get good news today. I am just trying to find that place within where I give a damn.

We'll see what We See

2010-11-17T23:49:00.000-05:00

My cycle day 10 ultrasound follicle check and E2 bloodwork is in the morning.

My ovaries have been feeling achy but I am still nervous to find out what is going on in there!!

More than Words

2010-11-17T11:55:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about words, lately. Not just any word but the word that effects my life the most right now:

Infertility.

I can't count how many times I've said this word, thought it or written it. Even on a weekly basis it's probably more than I can count.

I remember the first time I read it as it pertains to me and my life. The first time it really hit home what this word means and the effect it could have on my life.

It was over a year ago and I had just moved to Phoenix and my PCP had told me that he suspected I had PCOS and had printed out some information on it for me to take home and read. I had heard of PCOS because a friend of mine had been diagnosed but I still did not know much about it.

I went home and I was reading this information and all of a sudden one word jumped out at me and made my stomach drop. Infertility. We had already been trying for almost 6 months at that point. I called my husband in a panic at work and he told me I needed to calm down (I hear those words a lot) because we didn't even know if I had PCOS or not.

But somewhere, deep down I knew that this word was about to impact me in a very big way and it scared me. A lot.

Since I got my official diagnosis (last December at a mid-cycle follicle check during my first round of Clomid) I have not spent too much time thinking about the actual word.

Obviously, it effects my life in huge ways but when I think of myself I never think of myself as infertile. Logically, I know that I am indeed, infertile, I just don't think of myself that way. I think that I have PCOS and it sucks but it doesn't represent me as a person. It is an aspect of my life. An aspect that I hate and one that has tears streaming down my face right this minute.

But it is not WHO I am. I am so many things and infertile is one of them. Maybe I am in serious denial because I don't think of myself that way... I don't know. I just think of so many other things when I really think of myself. Ridiculous, stubborn and determined to name a few.

I've had friends tell me over the course of the last year that they don't know how I do this. How I keep forging on ahead with all the heartbreak I face each month. And I tell them that they would, too, if face with the same situation. I'm not strong. There isn't much of a choice in it, at all. When you yearn for something so important and so precious it's actually, in many ways, harder to stop trying than it is to keep on going.

Because when you keep going there is a tiny voice in the back of you head that says "Maybe this next cycle is the one." And it is really hard to drown out that voice.

So I am not STRONG. But I am stubborn and unwilling to take no for an answer.

And yes, I am Infertile. But I am also so much more than that.

Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo

2010-11-15T11:50:00.007-05:00

So the redesign is mostly in place! There are a few more elements to be added but this is pretty much it (I'm pretty sure, anyway, unless Barbara has some more tricks up her sleeve! :D).

As you can see it's a whole new space with a new title and everything. I had a LOT of trouble deciding on a new title. I wanted something girly and fun that fit me but also still referenced what this blog is about. SIF helped me so much by reminding me of one of my favorite quotes. This quote has given me so much inspiration and comfort over the last (almost) year. And when SIF reminded me of it, it really got me excited and gave me a great theme for this blog. I am in love with the new title! Thanks, again, lady!! :)

As for the new look, it is all courtesy of the awesome Barbara! I gave her a quick overview of what I wanted and she ran with it and I am loving the fun and girliness of it all!! Thank you so much, Barbara! If anyone needs a blog redesign definitely check her out and shoot her an email : barbaradilisio@gmail.com . She's awesome!!

I also now have a facebook page for the blog. You can find the link at the top left... it's a heart and super cute. You will also find a link to follow me on twitter. Feel free to like and follow me wherever I go! :D

So be a little patient with me... I still need to add info to all the other pages now that I have them and that will be a work in progress the next few days.

Isn't my new button great?! Feel free to grab it!

But other than that...

Welcome to Sparkles and Fairy Tales: Waiting on my Fertile Godmother. I'm so glad to have you!!

I'm Still Standing

2010-11-12T12:09:00.003-05:00

First, I want to thank everyone for their lovely comments, support and love. It truly means the world to me. I am so thankful to share my journey with so many of you.

Second, the new cycle is officially underway! I went and had my cd 2 ultrasound the other day and all is quiet on the western front. No cysts. I did, however, get a small parade of nurses in my exam room to tell me how sorry and absolutely shocked they were that I wasn't pregnant. It was very sweet of them but I was still a bit fragile and had a hard time not just sobbing while sitting there naked from the waist down.

Sadly this is a common struggle in my life. Doesn't everyone have trouble not crying with their pants off in semi-public places?!

No? Just me? Hmmm.

Well, moving on, they are changing up my protocol just a bit this month. I am on femara days 3-7 and they are lowering my follistim dosage to 75 iu's on days 5, 7, and 9. I was a little disappointed about that. I know that my cycle was almost cancelled because of too many follicles but dangit, I want to try with three follicles again!!! Oh well. We shall see what we see at the cycle day 10 ultrasound.

The good news is that I should be all triggered and sexy time completed before Thanksgiving. We are headed to Boston on the 24th-30th to spend the Holiday with my Dad, Aunts, Cousins, and my hilarious 93 year old Grandmother. My husband hasn't met my extended family yet so it should be fun. We're praying for snow!!

The side benefit of this is that the trip falls in my two week wait which should keep me nicely distracted. And when we get back there is my favorite thing of all: Christmas decorating with my handsome husband! It's our favorite time of year and we love decorating our house. We make a day of it and have so much fun. So I really think this two week wait is going to go a bit smoother and I am really happy about that.

In other news, there are some changes in the wind for this lil blog!! A redesign is just getting started and we're even getting a new title! Because, let's face it, Sarah Q is kinda lame.

So get ready to see those changes coming soon to a blog near you.

The Fat Lady Sang

2010-11-09T07:59:00.002-05:00

It's over. The cycle that could officially ended this morning.

These last few days I had a feeling it would. The cramping I was feeling was just too familiar. So these last few days when it's really hit me that this wasn't working I've been crying my heart out. On the floor of the bathroom sobbing.

So this morning when I got up and I hadn't started I felt a tiny bloom of hope because if I was going to start today would be the day officially confirming that I consistently have a 16 day luteal phase.

So to start while I was peeing on a pregnancy test... I can only assume that Mother Nature is one HUGE effing bitch.

To top it all off I have come to realize that I am one of those women who invent pregnancy symptoms and convinces herself she's knocked up. Yep, I'm that kind of special crazy.

So tomorrow I will think about a new cycle. Today I will, once again, grieve for what I never had.

Keeping the Faith

2010-11-07T15:29:00.001-05:00

Thought I would do a quick little update.

Things are still pretty much the same here... symptoms galore and still no positive. I'm still not late, though. Today is cycle day 28 so I should be due tomorrow.

Until then I remain hopeful and I am still keeping the faith!

I hope to share some good news with you all soon!!

The Closer I Get

2010-11-04T19:24:00.001-04:00

The crazier I get.

I started this two week wait determined to stay sane and happy and distracted. Well. That did NOT happen.

I spent the first week on the couch nursing my sex injury. So the first week went by pretty fast and easy.

This second week... well not so much. I was ok until yesterday when I decided to test even though I knew it was too early and I was bound to be disappointed. And I was. Big freaking negative.

I was really upset.

Until I drove my husband to work and almost threw up in the car. He works barely ten minutes from our apartment and I barely made it back in the house before I ran for the bathroom and threw up. I puked for the first time in over a year and a half.

Thankfully, I only had cranberry juice in my stomach. And, sadly, after many years on the club scene this is NOT the first time that I have thrown up cranberry juice.

And just like that I was back in the game. I was so excited that I puked!! The nausea lasted a few more hours but didn't throw up again.

So far my symptoms have been sore boobs, heartburn, a lot of difficulty sleeping, exhaustion, you can see the veins in my boobs like crazy (I know... not sexy at all), and now nausea and puking. Oh, and my sense of smell seems to be a bit more sensitive.

Today, I felt ok for most of the day until about ten minutes ago... the nausea hit and I frantically jammed about 5 mints in my mouth hoping that it helps. So far not so much luck with that.

So, I am still waiting. And yes I still have hope but why the HELL can't I be one of those women who gets a really early positive?

That would really make this so much easier for me.

Triple O!

2010-11-01T18:48:00.001-04:00

I got my progesterone blood work done this morning. After waiting all day long I finally got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse.

My progesterone level is greater than 20. The lab that processes everything won't give a specific numbers if it is over 20. But the nurse said everything is looking excellent. She even mentioned that high progesterone levels can sometimes indicate pregnancy but since we don't have a number I shouldn't get too excited yet.

She also went over all my levels from earlier in the cycle and every level is better than the last cycle I ovulated in.

Basically, I ovulated all three of those eggs!!

But she said one thing that had me tearing up:

"Your body is doing everything it needs to in order to sustain a pregnancy."

At that I burst into tears. It's one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

As for any symptoms, I have a few but I am reluctant to think they're pregnancy symptoms yet. I've been a bit tired and had touches of slight nausea yesterday morning and this morning. The two meals I've had today (chick fil a and chipotle... I know both awful) were terrible! They did not taste ok. And they are both places that I love a lot. So that was strange. We can also say I've been a bit emotional the last couple days.

So there are a few signs that could or could not be pregnancy.

I guess we will just have to wait and see!!!

Waiting on You

2010-10-27T12:50:00.002-04:00

So now that I survived (barely) the weekend of baby making (and yes I did survive! I am still kind of stuck on the couch with this neck shoulder thing going on, though) I have been planning on how I was going to survive the two week wait.

I dread the two week wait... I dread it and I want it at the same time. Because the two week wait means that I have something to hope for... it means there is a chance that in a few ~~long ass~~ short weeks all my dreams may come true. This two week wait is even more... everything, because I feel like our chances are so high this month.

One of the things that I do love so much about this time is dreaming about the possibilities with my husband. Out of nowhere one of us will start spouting off possible names and vetoing each other and laughing about what we hope so badly is soon to come! That's the fun part.

The other parts... not so much.

Originally, my plan was to just pretend that I wasn't in the two week wait. Hmmmm. I wonder how that will go for me.

My other plan is to cook and bake and try a bunch of new recipes I've been planning on trying for awhile. And that is a plan I can get behind.

A few weeks ago I made a joke about baking my way through Infertility... end result... huge ass. And the more I thought about it, I thought why not? Why not add a little something else to this little 'ol blog and keep myself busy at the same time? So that is what I will do.

Last year my husband got me a cookie jar for Valentine's Day.

This cookie jar is more than just a cookie jar. It's personalized and on it all our hopes and dreams are clearly displayed. One of my greatest fears is that this special gift will always be a reminder of what my body cannot achieve.

But for the next two weeks I am going to be filling this jar up with sweet treats and goodies just like I hope my belly is filling with our dreams for the future.

Only Me

2010-10-24T12:57:00.001-04:00

So last night was the trigger shots and the baby making began!

And this is what happens to me...

Something this absolutely ridiculous would only happen to me!!

Follicular Forecast UPDATE

2010-10-22T10:55:00.003-04:00

Don't you love these little updates? They're like the weather forecast... So here goes:

In the south we have a good, strong uterus with a thick and sticky lining measuring over 7 (yay). To the west we have an ovary with a 17 mm follicle and a 16 mm follicle. To the east we have an ovary with another 17 mm follicle. Depending on the on the call we have sweeping through this afternoon it looks like a high chance of trigger shots and at least a double ovulation this weekend (slight chance of triple ovulation).

So what do you think of the forecast? Favorable conditions for conception?!?

UPDATE:

OH MY GOD!

I just got the afternoon instructions call and the nurse freaked me the EFF out!! She said that I had 6 mature follicles and that the cycle was cancelled or IVF. I was like WHAAAAAT!?? I only had 3 this morning!!

She put me on hold and went to go check... turns out the nurse this morning had measured each follicle a few times to make sure that she was getting accurate results and they read the report wrong. WHEW!

So they're letting me continue with a lecture about high chances for multiples but said as long as we're comfortable with it they say it's fine.

Trigger shot tomorrow night between 6-8 PM and sexy time Saturday, Sunday and Monday night.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I am about to ovulate THREE EGGS!!!

This is INSANE!!!!!!

I'm so excited (and ok a little scared about all three getting fertilized and then they all start splitting... AHHH!).

Come What May

2010-10-21T20:02:00.001-04:00

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse yesterday and got my E2 results and further instructions.

My E2 was 94.7. And apparently I have a few more follicles going on than the nurse told me during the ultrasound. Along with the 14 and 2 12'2 I also had an 11 and a couple 10's thrown in there as well.

Dr. Baby's nurse told me that if I have more than three follicles my cycle is cancelled or we can do a last minute IVF. WHAAAAT!?!?! We are so NOT prepared to jump to IVF... that is a huge leap for us, physically and financially. Even with three follicles they are not thrilled with letting me go forward... they will let me but it comes with a huge warning of multiples.

Dr. Baby's verdict: I am having a 'robust response'. Again... WHAAAAAT!?!?

Here I was disappointed because I thought I wasn't responding well and there my ovaries go over-producing. I can't keep up!!!

Honestly, when I got this call yesterday I was just... shell shocked. I didn't know what to think... I wondered around Target in a daze and all of a sudden I was questioning everything...

Can I REALLY do this? Can I really be a mom, let alone a good mom? What about a mom to MULTIPLES!?!? Let me tell you.. I was FUH-REAKING OUT.

Thankfully, my husband was just so matter of fact about it all that I calmed right down. He's just so... 'yeah of course you'll be a good mom.' Like there was never a question about it all. He has confidence in me.

Anyway, this evening I did one more injection of 100 iu's of follistim per Dr's orders and tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and bloodwork to see what is going on with these crazy ovaries.

I can't believe that I am sitting here praying for less follicles to grow!!

We are all on Drugs

2010-10-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

So... today was my cycle day 10 check. We needed to see what those ovaries are doing on the femara and follistim combination.

Official results:

1 follicle measuring at 14
2 follicles measuring at 12

So... not AMAZING. But not awful. I am waiting to hear from Dr. Baby's nurse about my E2 levels. I know that I am going to need a few more days of stimming with the follistim but I don't know the doses or days until I get that call later today.

They said that the 14 is the one to watch but I am hoping that those 12's grow, too and give me those 3 follicles I've been hoping for...

So for now... we are all STILL on drugs.

Stick it to Me

2010-10-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

It is cycle day 8.

I still am not sure what is happening in there with my ovaries but I feel like it is something good!

I have done two of my injections so far with one more tomorrow night.

So far the injections haven't been bad at all. There is some stinging when I take the needle out and my belly is bruised up pretty well; but other than that it has just been excitement to be more aggressive!

Since Thursday I have been feeling pretty consistently achy in the ovary area. I have felt this before during my cycle a few months ago when I did actually ovulate. But I only felt it in smaller doses and it was the night before my ultrasound (so around CD 12). So I am feeling it stronger and more consistently. I hope that means good things are happening in there!

I find out Wednesday morning how many follicles I have going on and if I need a day or two more of the Follistim.

I am hoping for 3. For several reasons... 3 is my favorite number. I don't know why, it just is and always has been. And I want 3 because I feel like 3 will significantly raise our chances but won't put us at too high a risk for multiples. Although multiples wouldn't be bad. I know my husband would be really, really happy with that! :)

I haven't really had any side effects this month from the femara or follistim except I've been feeling really, really tired. I want to nap all the time! And there was some slight nausea last night but only after about 4 spinny fast rides at a carnival.

Oh and did I mention that if this cycle works that my due date would be my husband's birthday?!?

How's that for a sign!?!?

I am happy and excited to see what happens!!!

I have the Best Husband!!

2010-10-16T21:38:00.000-04:00

Today the husband and I went to the outlets to do some shopping. The main goal was some warmer clothes for our upcoming trip to Boston to visit my extended family for Thanksgiving.

We got my husband and a great coat and spent the majority of the day looking for a coat for myself. I found several I liked but they didn't have my size. And the ones that I did find in my size I didn't like at all. Near the end of the day I was in tears because I was so frustrated.

We were about to leave and I wanted to go into the Coach Outlet (let me just tell you, I ALWAYS want to go into the Coach Outlet).

We were looking for a few minutes and I was trying to make it quick because we were both pretty tired. I never intended to buy a thing, I just like to browse and look at all the pretties.

Well, my adorable husband surprised me and bought me the purse that I fell in love with....

Yeah. I know. Super cute.

He said it's my treat for all the fertility treatments and whatnot that I've gone through in the last 19 months.

Like I said... I have the best husband EVER! He's adorable and so sweet.

I am one lucky girl.

I say a little Prayer

2010-10-15T21:08:00.000-04:00

Well, this new cycle is officially underway!

It is cycle day 5 today and I am on day 3 of femara and I did my first follistim injection tonight. The injection itself was not a big deal at all. It was a pen and a very small needle. The emotions of taking it to the next level and what these injections mean... Overwhelming and exciting.

I can feel the hope surging again. I am getting really excited about this cycle. And that scares me. I want to be hopeful and happy but I know that the more hopeful I get the harder I will fall if this cycle doesn't work.

But I still found myself longingly wandering through the baby section at Target. I am so so ready.

In other news, I went to my first Resolve support group meeting on Tuesday. I was so incredibly nervous walking in all by myself but once it started and I started hearing the stories, I relaxed. The things these women have gone through... let me just say they are amazingly strong women.

I felt almost guilty being there because my struggles are so much less than what so many of these women have gone through. I just felt like my journey has been so much less challenging than the other couples there.

The most exciting thing to me is I got a chance to talk to the leader of the group after the meeting about volunteer opportunities with Resolve. I am so excited to get involved!

I encourage everyone to seek out a support group in their area by going here on the Resolve website.

I am planning on doing some weekly baking posts but I haven't gotten around to it just yet. But stay tuned... they are coming eventually.

Wednesday is my next appointment with more femara and injections in between now and then. I am hoping for multiple follicles to heighten our chances this cycle. But we will have to wait and see what happens.

Until then I say a little prayer.

This is a man's world....

2010-10-03T18:07:00.001-04:00

So my better half has asked me to give a viewpoint into the world of infertility from the eyes of a husband. To start maybe I should explain what being a husband means to me. As a husband I feel like it is my job to make my wife happy in every way that I can. That means the small things like taking out the trash without having to be asked, remembering to tell her how much I appreciate all the she does to keep our home up while I'm at work, or tucking her hair behind her ear before I give her a kiss. On the other hand there are all the big things as well. It is my job to protect her from all of the bad things of this world. If that means fighting a dragon with a pillow and some water balloons to keep her safe, then so be it. Well to me, this PCOS and infertility problem is even bigger than a dragon. It is like some mythical creature that I can't see, can't touch, and the only sound it makes is the muffled tears through a bathroom door at the passing of another month.

It's pretty hard to express in words how hard it is to see the most important person in the world to you suffer and fight against something. It is even worse to know that there is nothing you can do to fix it. I'm a fixer, I'm a fighter, I don't even know how to sit still when I get home from work exhausted, let alone while she is suffering like she does. And then there is the feelings she has of having to deal with everything alone because I can't understand what it's like, "To be broken", as she puts it. And the worst part is, she's correct, I can't understand how she feels, despite my desperately wanting to. So there is all of the wonderful fun of not being able to do my job as a husband.

Then you add to that the wanting a baby so bad I can't stand it. I've never loved anyone as much as I love my wife, and the thought of having children with her makes me so happy. And no matter how hard we try we can't seem to make a baby. And of course everyone we know is now having children, which only makes it even harder. All in all, this situation sucks for everyone. I just thought that maybe some of her readers may be interested in a brief view through the window into the life of infertility as a loving husband. This is a man's world.....or at least this is this man's world...

Turtle Time

2010-10-02T20:27:00.002-04:00

Bonus points to anyone who knows about turtle time! :)

I've been thinking about signs a lot lately. I have never been a person who believed in signs or gave them much thought at all.

About three weeks ago though I ordered a fertility necklace from labelledame.com . I was really intrigued by it and what I learned when I read about it.

For one, I had no idea that sea turtles were considered a symbol of fertility. It makes total sense though when you know that a sea turtle lays 50-150 eggs at a time.

When we moved into our apartment one of the things I loved about our complex were the sea turtle details everywhere.

When we went on our trip to the Virgin Islands a few months ago we saw sea turtles on our snorkeling excursion. When I went searching for a Christmas ornament to take home and remember our trip by I bought a sea turtle ornament.

Heck, well over a year ago I even bought the fur baby, Oscar, a sea turtle toy.

Signs.

So when I went searching through La Belle Dame for fertility jewelry and saw the necklace with the sterling silver sea turtle all these things came rushing back to me. I bought it. And I got it today.

picture from labelledame.com

I have been waiting anxiously for this necklace to arrive as my new cycle should be starting this weekend.

I also learned what the stones on the necklace mean. There are moonstones and rose quartz. Moonstone is said to aid receptivity, and help prepare the mother-to-be to welcome new life. It promotes female reproductive health (which, let's face it, is sorely needed right about now).

Rose quartz is said to help promote and support a new pregnancy and help protect it from miscarriage (which I definitely need considering my mother's history). It is also said to balance our emotions through the journey to conceive. And, well... yeah. I need that, for sure. (all information on stone meanings from labelledame.com and Kimberly de Montbrun)

So... signs. I never gave them much credit before. I've never been a superstitious person. I've never believed in magick or mythical creatures (well... except for mermaids. But I maintain that they're just too elusive for us to find!). But maybe I am coming around a little bit on these signs.

At this point I am ready to try anything. And even if the beads on this necklace don't have any special powers and a sterling silver turtle around my neck won't get me pregnant... it will be a daily reminder about what I am fighting for.

This journey has a way of stripping all hope and optimism right out of you. And then the littlest thing makes that hope surge again and that tiny spark of hope drives you on to keep trying month after month after month. You draw so many lines in the sand.... "Well, we'll do clomid but we will never do an IUI or try IVF." 6 months later... "Well, we can do a few IUI's but that is it!" Another 3 months later... "I wonder if I should start researching that IVF clinic in Barbados. Just in case."

These lines we draw. That keep moving and evolving and changing as our hope diminishes.

On the eve of a new cycle, I wear this necklace and every time I feel it and see it in the mirror I will remind myself to have the hope and perseverance to find my dream.

"Even miracles take a little time." -Cinderella

The Husband

2010-09-27T00:29:00.001-04:00

has a blog!

I've been bugging him for awhile to start one and he finally has!

He's smart, opinionated and does NOT pull punches. So go on and check it out!

I'm pretty proud of him if I do say so myself. :)

WTF, Florida?!?

2010-09-23T23:47:00.002-04:00

Over the course of our three years together my adorable and ever restless Husband has moved me across the country four times.

Yes, FOUR TIMES.

We met in Texas and three months later moved to Georgia (I know, it was fast). Six months after that we moved back to Texas. Less than a year later we moved to Phoenix, AZ. I lived in Arizona almost exactly nine months before we moved to Florida.

Where we currently reside.

I LOVE living in Florida. There isn't much that can make this girl happier than sunshine, the beach, a good pool and amazing shopping. There is a Chipotle that is less than five minutes away, too. That doesn't hurt things at all.

The other day while partaking in the aforementioned shopping I discovered something that I don't love about Florida.

LOVE BUGS. And yes, they're doing the nasty. They live just as long as they mate. As soon as they're done mating they die.

When I walked into the store there were none. When I walked out thirty minutes later they were EVERYWHERE. I had to bat them off of me as I made a run for the car.

Huge black swarming clouds of them.

I jumped in my car and got my door shut as quickly as I could. I immediately called a good friend of mine to tell her about this sudden plague on the state of Florida when something horrible and unexpected happened...

A set of love bugs flew in my mouth. And I swallowed them.

It was so sudden and unexpected and awful. I panicked. I hung up on my friend and started desperately drinking a hot soda I had left in my car. I swear I could feel them bumping uglies all the way down my throat.

I swallowed bugs while they were having sex.

WTF, FLORIDA!?!?!?

It's Not Over

2010-09-22T22:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I got a call. A really great call.

Dr. Baby's nurse was calling to see if I wanted to come in for my consult today instead of next week. I jumped on it. Even though the appointment was at 8 in the morning. All the way across town.

And BONUS! On Wednesdays my adorable husband doesn't have to go to work until 11. So I got to drag his ass out of bed before 7 am with me. I REALLY hate getting up early in the morning all by myself!

So the husband finally got to meet Dr. Baby. And he loved him! Just like I do.

We went over all my questions (and let's face it... I had A LOT of questions) and decided on the new treatment plan.

Tomorrow I start prometrium to bring on a period. Then I will continue with femara days 3-7, adding injections of follistim on days 5, 7, and 9. Follicle check ultrasound on day 10 and, depending on those results and these stubborn ovaries of mine, ovidrel trigger shots.

Then sex-a-palooza.

I was initially concerned about follistim being covered by my insurance (even though everything else has been covered thus far). I called my insurance company and it is covered as long as it's not prescribed in conjunction with non-coital procedures.

A.K.A... you can bang until you're blue in the face but if the bangin' don't work you're out of luck!!

So this cycle should be underway soon...

LET THE BANGING COMMENCE!

Where do we go from here?

2010-09-20T13:49:00.001-04:00

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be... "

Bonus points for you if you recognize that great song and even greater movie!

My appointment this morning did not go well. My follicles have barely grown. 12.5 is the biggest. So in the last 4 days it should have grown at least 8 mm (ideally) and it grew.... 3.

Way to go dumb ass ovary!

Worse... my lining has gotten thinner. It wasn't where it needed to be last Thursday and now it's shrinking!?! I don't even know what to do with that information. My lining has never been an issue (that I know of) and I have no clue how to fix it or what it means for all this....

I am... everything. I am hurting.

But more than that... I am FREAKING PISSED OFF!!

I mean, SERIOUSLY, what more do you want from me, Ovaries!?!? What you're doing is really EFFED up! Those eggs are mine, not yours!

STOP HOARDING AND BEING SO SELFISH!!!!

I have officially cracked up. Because that little rant was actually what I was yelling (yes, literally yelling) at my ovaries as I drove away from the clinic this morning.

Infertility has driven me to the brink.

So now I wait (what?!? WAITING! Where have I heard that before!?!?).

Dr. Baby's nurses will call me this afternoon with blood test results and instructions.
Margarita anyone?!?

SexyBack

2010-09-19T00:43:00.000-04:00

Over the months something has slowly but surely started to go missing out of my life.

My sex drive.

It's gone and I don't know where it has run off to.

I don't know if it is the whole trying to conceive thing or if it is something else. It might just be the PCOS. I have gained so much weight and I feel so gross.

I don't find myself beautiful so how can my husband possibly find me beautiful?

I have become self conscious and I don't want to put my body on display anymore. I'm ashamed of the way I look. All my self confidence (which I have always had a bit too much of) has gone out the window.

Rationally, I know my husband loves me more than anything. He really does love me. He loves me for all I am... the good, the bad and the ugly.

Emotionally... I want to be the most beautiful thing in the world for him. I want to make him proud to be with me. I want to be perfect for him.

I know I'll never be perfect. I know that I will never be the most beautiful woman in the world.

Once upon a time, when we first got together, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world because of him. He treated me like I was the most precious thing in existence. I felt so cherished. He looked at me like he couldn't believe his luck in being with me. I felt... invincible.

It was one of the reasons that I fell in love with him. No one had ever treated me like I was so special before. No one had ever made me feel like I was beautiful like that before. I saw myself as he saw me and I lost all the inhibitions I had. For him I let go of everything and became this wanton sex goddess.

It was addictive. Liberating. It was one of the most beautiful times in my life.

Over the last three years, through the stress of life, infertility, PCOS... we've lost it. I've lost it. I've lost every bit of confidence that I used to have. I used to feel beautiful and on top of the world. Now I just want to hide.

And with all my confidence went my sex drive. They are on vacation together and I would really like them to come home about now.

So how do I recapture it? How do I go back to the girl I once was?

Was it just the headiness of that head first tumble into love?

How do I get back to that place where I feel beautiful again?

I feel like infertility and PCOS have stripped away so much that makes me a woman. The core of what makes me a woman has been taken away. I feel like I am less of a woman.

So tell me... How do I bring Sexy Back?

18 mm Forward 9.5 mm Back

2010-09-17T15:01:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was my cycle day 11 follicle check ultrasound. I wasn't very worried about it since last month went so well. There were moments when I thought about the possibility of things not going as well as last month but I mostly discounted those moments as paranoia.

Going into my appointment I was just recovering from a 2 day migraine. I was tired and sluggish and really just wanted to get in and out of there so I could go back home and crawl in bed. Thank goodness for the blood draw lady (phlebotomist?) at Dr. Baby's office. She makes me laugh every time.

I knew things weren't awesome during my ultrasound when the nurse was so quiet and kept rearranging the wand to get a better view of my ovaries. And when she announced that my uterine lining wasn't exactly where they wanted it to be. They wanted it to be over 7 and it was a little over 6. Not awful... just not awesome.

My biggest follicle was 9.5 mm. Last month on cycle day 11 I had a 12 mm follicle that became an 18 mm follicle by cycle day 14 allowing me to trigger on cycle day 15.

I left the appointment really discouraged. I wasn't devastated. Just kind of... morose. I decided to indulge in some retail therapy while I waited for the call from Dr. Baby with the game plan. And when I say retail therapy, I mean SERIOUS retail therapy.

Good news is that I distracted myself pretty well and actually got started on Christmas shopping. I also decided on some projects that I am going to start so I can make some presents. I figure that these projects will keep me busy and nicely distracted from worrying about my follicles.

I got the call from Dr. Baby's nurse and I go back on Monday for a re-check ultrasound. Until then, Dr. Baby has given me strict instructions to relax and take it easy this weekend because stress can delay ovulation and follicle growth.

So I will try and go forth into this weekend with the plan of relaxation, no stress and maybe a pedicure.

I also may or may not have bought a few pounds of raspberries to scarf down.

Aren't they pretty?!

Monday will come soon enough and I will find out the fate of this cycle.

And hopefully I won't have to give these stubborn ovaries a swift kick in the ass!

Thank You for Your Service

2010-09-11T13:55:00.002-04:00

I have been sitting on this post for a little over a month. I wanted to share but I didn't feel ready and I wanted an appropriate time. Today seems to be the day.

At the beginning of August a good friend of mine came to visit with her Mom. I took them all over town to show them a good time. One day we decided to go to St. Augustine, FL. It's the oldest continually inhabited town in America. It's quaint, adorable and lots of fun.

We went and ate at Santa Maria where we got to feed fish and birds from our table. And got a personal dolphin show. It was so much fun!

As we were driving into town to go shopping I saw a man on the corner. He was holding a cardboard sign that said "Out of work Veteran. Will work for food."

I was immediately heartbroken. There are so many vets that really have a hard time transitioning from service to corporate America. I started digging in my purse for cash and since we were at a red light I had my friend call him over to the car and give him the money. As he took it from us I looked at him and said "Thank you for your service." He teared up. I saw the pride in his eyes and how hard it was for him to take handouts.

As we drove away he stood on the sidewalk and saluted us. My heart was full and I teared up myself. This man could have so easily been my husband. Someone who risked life and limb for our country. As the wife of a veteran I felt such a responsibility to help this man who had put our freedom above his personal safety.

All I could think about, as I drove away to spend my frivolous day shopping, was my husband and the sacrifices he made. I was thinking about all the men and women who fight daily for our country. And all the people who sacrifice to make sure that my home is safe and secure. All the families who do without their loved ones for the greater good. And all the people who have given their lives for me and my family.

So, today on the 9th Anniversary of 9/11. Thank you for your Service. We will never forget.

Here We Go Again

2010-09-06T22:30:00.003-04:00

My In Laws are in town. I have spent the last four days hanging out with my 21 year old brother in law and his best friend. And my husband. Listening to them talk about chicks and watching them guzzle beers. It has been nice to spend time with them but I am ready for an estrogen fest!

So we are staying at a condo across town and my husband and I are sleeping on a pull out couch. It's hell on us when we are used to a memory foam mattress. :) So this morning when I woke up and my lower back was on fire I didn't think much of it beyond our sleeping arrangements sucking at the moment. But then I went to the bathroom.

Yep. I started. This cycle is over.

I crawled back in bed and just cried. I really didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't. Everything in me told me that I wasn't pregnant.

My husband, on the other hand, believed it wholeheartedly. He had such faith in those swimmers! His hope got out of control when I was a couple days late. So he is more than disappointed. And he feels like a failure. Because I responded to everything for the first time so he feels like this cycle's pregnancy failure is all on him.

I tried explaining to him that it was just the odds. That just because I ovulate and he has great swimmers does not automatically equal pregnancy. But I understand the feeling. It is what I have been feeling for 18 months now.

In the end, he said that he is glad (glad totally isn't the right word because he doesn't like how he's feeling) because now he can understand how I have been feeling through this whole process. He's glad that he can understand my side of things a bit more now.

We spent the day at the pool with the family. Where I was peer pressured into joining the games that the resort runs for the kids at the pool. I'm not much of a joiner. My husband's family... loved it. Today my husband won the cannon ball contest. Against 10 year olds. I am so proud.

This worked to keep me pretty distracted for most of the day. But this afternoon I did have a meltdown poolside with my husband. I was surrounded by families and several pregnant women running after their toddlers. I just started questioning everything. Why do WE have to go through this? Why is it so hard for us? Why is it so easy for so many others but not me?

In those moments I felt absolutely bereft and broken hearted. All I could do was sit, wrapped up in my damp towel, and cry. I just needed to get it out. I needed the day to mourn this cycle. I, literally, couldn't focus on anything other than the crushing disappointment. Thank god for my husband who has come such a long way in understanding how to support me through this process.

Tomorrow I will focus on the next cycle. Tomorrow I will focus on the successes we did have in this last cycle (which were HUGE). Tomorrow I will be positive and pro-active.

Today I need to cry for what I never had.

O Baby

2010-08-30T14:08:00.002-04:00

Well, after a VERY long weekend I FINALLY got the call from Dr. Baby's office.

I OFFICIALLY OVULATED!!!!!

My progesterone level, as of last Friday, was 13.4. According to Dr. Baby anything over 12 is great.

So, there you go. Officially, I just ovulated for the first time in 3 years. 3 YEARS. That is crazy. And wonderful.

I am overwhelmed and thankful and really excited. As far as I am concerned this cycle is a success even if I am not pregnant. My body responded beautifully to the medications so now it is just a matter of time.

I also figured out how many days past ovulation I am. I wasn't sure how to calculate it because of the trigger shots. The nurse said to count the day of the trigger shots as my ovulation day. So I am 10 DPO today. And I got a negative pregnancy test so I know the triggers are out of my system. From here on out if I get a positive, it's a real one.

Today, I am just going to rejoice in my success.

And me and these ovaries are going to go do a little victory dance!

To O or Not to O

2010-08-27T19:33:00.002-04:00

No, not the good kind of O.

Well, the good kind, just not the sexy time kind.

I went in for my bloodwork this morning. I was in and out within 15 minutes. Which was nice. They were just checking my progesterone levels to confirm if I ovulated last weekend. It was the last thing to check to see if this cycle was a success. The last step in telling me if I could REALLY have hope this cycle. For the first time... hope. Hope for a little nugget of my own.

They told me that I would have the results this afternoon. They always call me by 4 in the afternoon with my blood test results.

So I waited anxiously all day long. At about 5 I called the office when I still hadn't heard. They closed at 1. So I called the emergency line. I know, I know... it's for emergencies. But I was quite agitated. All that and the emergency lady told me to call back in the morning between 8 and 10 am. Annoying.

So here I wait... waiting to know if I ovulated. I am putting all my hope in this faulty body of mine. Hope that finally all this hard work has paid off and my body has finally, FINALLY done what it is supposed to. Hope that I can finally give my husband what he longs for. What I long for.

That's not too much to ask, is it?!?

Counting Your Eggs

2010-08-24T21:01:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated in a while. I've had so much going through my mind. I've had several blog post ideas running through my mind but haven't figured out how I want to write about them. I've had the ideas but my writing has been... stagnant, I guess.

We are more than halfway through our first cycle with Dr. Baby. I started the femara on cycle day three and took it through cycle day 7. The only side effects I had while on the femara were headaches. They got pretty bad but compared to the side effects of the clomid the femara was a piece of cake.

I went in on cycle day 11 for my first follicle check ultrasound and bloodwork. I was really excited that it landed on a Monday because my Husband was able to go with me. It was the first appointment he's been able to go to with me since we lived in Phoenix. Well, we went into the ultrasound and I had a few small follicles on my left ovary and a bigger one on my right. 12 mm. I was so excited! That is the biggest follicle I have ever had. Real progress for the first time! We went home and told to come back on cycle day 14 for another ultrasound to see if the 12 mm follicle had grown to 18.

Initially, I was so excited about a follicle that had grown at all but as the hours went on I started freaking myself out. I read too much on the internet and convinced myself that my follicle would stop growing. I got some good advice from SIF to eat some raspberries. I immediately called my husband and made him stop at the store on his way home from work. I ate so many raspberries over the course of the next three days. They were actually quite delicious.

We went in for my next check and my husband was able to come with me again, which was great, because I was so, so nervous. Immediately, she went to my right ovary and the 12 mm follicle became an 18!!!! I was so overwhelmed and excited I just started crying right there on the table, feet still in the stirrups and all. No other follicles grew, but all we need is one!! The poor ultrasound tech kept trying to get my to stop crying. As soon as she left the room all I could do was look at my husband and whimper through the tears 'It was the raspberries!!'

So thanks for that, SIF! :)

I took my trigger shots Friday night (cycle day 15) and they were a little painful but not bad. It was definitely different using a syringe on myself. The excitement of actual ovulation overshadowed any pain or discomfort. After the shots the whole weekend was spent relaxing and gettin' busy. :)

Right now we are in a holding pattern. We are officially in the two week wait. It truly is the longest two weeks ever. I have an appointment this Friday for more bloodwork to make sure that I did in fact ovulate.

I am a little overwhelmed. I can't believe for the first time in 3 years I just ovulated. Just the thought of it is so exciting! Which makes me feel a little ridiculous. Most women ovulate every single month and for me it is a huge momentous occasion!

My husband is convinced that if I ovulated I am definitely pregnant. I keep telling him not to count my eggs before they're hatched.

But I can't help but count them secretly along with him.

Hallelujah

2010-07-29T16:36:00.002-04:00

Everything feels so right. Right now I am so happy and excited.

I had another appointment with Dr. Baby. I was so nervous! After my run in with one of his nurses last week where she basically told me I was too fat to have a baby and to call back in a few months, I had no idea what was in store for me.

I did see that nurse. She didn't speak to me but she also didn't look too happy to see me. She was kind of shooting me dirty looks. Thankfully, I was quickly tucked away in Dr. Baby's office and his other nurse took care of everything else with me for the rest of the appointment. The other nurse is way nicer than Nurse Ratchet.

Dr. Baby came in and apologized immediately for Nurse Ratchet. He was so nice. He didn't even broach the subject of losing weight before starting a cycle. He just asked me if i was ready to make a baby.

He went over my new treatment plan. I start prometrium tonight to bring on a period. And also another medication to lower my DHEA-S levels to promote ovulation. He also is not having me go back on the clomid. I will be going on Femara and after the results of my mid-cycle scan and hcg trigger shot.

Dr. Baby is really confident that this cocktail will work. I am so excited to get this going! I am also really loving that femara doesn't have nearly the side effects of clomid. No hot flashes for me!!

I am so excited to get this process started. I am so thankful for such a wonderful doctor (even if one of his nurses is cranky). This is the first true cycle we will be doing with a fertility clinic and I am already seeing the difference.

Through all the heartache, uncertainty and emotional instability, I remain thankful. My journey is insignificant compared to so many other people who suffer from infertility. This experience has shown me so much and made me grow in ways that I never thought possible. It has made me a much more compassionate person. I can only hope that this experience makes me a better mother someday.

Oh my god. Mother. I'm going to be a mommy someday.

Hopefully someday very soon!

Somewhere over the Rainbow

2010-07-20T12:38:00.004-04:00

Shut Up and Drive

2010-06-24T16:04:00.002-04:00

Here is our journey from Phoenix, Arizona to Orlando, Florida in pictures.

As for the last picture… no I don’t have cankles… that would be my lovely sprained ankle all swollen up… ignore my bad toenail polish and my hot pink bra in the background. :)

It was quite a journey all in all. Hopefully, the longest road trip I will ever take. Although I am sure my husband has a few more adventures in store for me!

Three Hopeful Thoughts

2010-06-23T16:36:00.004-04:00

I know, I know. It's been awhile since I blogged. Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster this last month!! BUT we are in Orlando!! We still haven't found a place to live so we are staying in a hotel until we find a house or an apartment. We're roughing it a bit but it's so nice to have the packing and the driving part done at least.

Now on to the fun stuff!!!! I went to my new clinic today and if it's even possible I love it even more than the one in Phoenix!! My Doctor is AMAZING. He had so many good things to say and his credentials are so impressive. From here on out he will be Dr. Baby.

The office visit was so great and all the staff was wonderful and so thorough. One of the things that Dr. Baby suggested was putting me on some injectible meds usually used for diabetics that can help PCOS patients lose weight. He wants me to take a TTC break and do these injectibles for a few months and lose weight. He uses this method with almost all his PCOS patients and has seen amazing results. Overall, if I lose weight I will feel better, improve my PCOS symptoms, have a lower risk of miscarriage, and an easier pregnancy. I think that's worth a 3 month wait for a baby making cycle.

He also gave me a very simple, easy to follow diet specifically designed for PCOS that will help my body process foods in a different way. I am so excited!

I, of course, need to talk it all over with my husband tonight but I think my mind is pretty well made up on this one.

If I lose weight I hope that

1. I can improve or even cure my PCOS
2. I may be able to get pregnant without ovulation induction (aka ON MY OWN, PEOPLE!)
3. I will have a healthy pregnancy and baby at the end of all of this.

I feel like there are so many more options and doors open for me that I never knew about before! I am truly excited!

I'm not even minding having to stick myself with needles for the next few months!!!

She's Got It All

2010-05-28T19:57:00.004-04:00

I have been terrible about blogging lately. Things have been a little hectic. First of all, WE ARE MOVING!!! In 2 1/2 weeks. To Orlando, Florida! I am really excited to live near the beach! Woo! Now I just have to pack up my house... Again.

I had my HSG done on Wednesday. It was an experience. I get there and I am really nervous and my husband was supposed to meet me there on his lunch break. Then they tell me he won't be able to come in the room with me anyway. Booo! I called him and told him not to bother coming. I was on my own. I had to face the catheter on my own. This is the biggest medical procedure I've ever had done so I was freaking out a bit and dearly wishing for the valium they offer people who don't have to drive themselves home.

After all the lovely adventures of peeing in a cup and getting weighed they finally take me to the exam room. I strip down and hop up on the table and arrange the very thin paper over my knees. And wait. and wait. and wait. I swear I was in there for about 30 minutes before they came in. I was so nervous I couldn't stop sweating. I swear even my ass was sweating.

Finally, Dr. O and the nurse come in. Aaaaand the system is down. He has me lay down and put my legs on the stirrup thingies and scoot all the way down. And he arranges my paper up above my knees. And pulls out his cell phone. My head popped up so fast and I am sure that I had a look of absolute horror/panic on my face when I said "Ummm. What's the cell phone for!?!" He was only calling the tech guy to fix the system. But in those few seconds I was trying to decide if I should wrestle my legs out of the stirrups and kick him in the face or just start screaming for help.

We finally get started and unexpectedly the table starts moving and lifting and somehow I am almost hanging upside down and the only thing keeping me on the table are the leg stirrups. I am now half naked, spread eagle, upside down with Dr. O inches away from my hot pocket. Words can't even express what was going through my mind.... I was sincerely hoping I didn't get sudden gas or something because I was so nervous. Can you imagine that scenario!?!?

The procedure starts and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I didn't even feel the shots in my cervix. There was some pretty intense cramping when the dye started filling my uterus and it was really crazy to watch it all happening on the screen. It was over pretty quickly, too. As I stood up from the exam table I was really trying to prepare myself for all the dye to come pouring out of me and start running down my legs but none came out. I think he sucked it all out with the catheter or something. I was really relieved about that.

And best news of all.... I HAVE A PERFECT UTERUS AND COMPLETELY HEALTHY AND CLEAR TUBES!!!

This is the first good reproductive news I've gotten about myself! I am really excited. Officially, Dr. O said that if we can get my body to ovulate without forming cysts we are in business!

I can't tell you how thankful I am. So many women have such bigger problems reproductively than I do. They struggle with so many more issues. They are so brave and amazing. Compared to them my problems are so small and insignificant. I have real hope that I can have a baby now.

My new clinic in Orlando already has me in for an appointment a few days after we get there. My new Doctor is apparently amazing and I am ready to get out there and get this baby making STARTED!!!!!

BABY MAKING 2010 STARTS NOW, PEOPLE!!!!

What IF

2010-04-26T00:43:00.002-04:00

During National Infertility Awareness Week Stirrup Queens is hosting Project IF. The first step of this project was adding your infertility what ifs here. The list is powerful and a little bit terrifying. I added my own what if’s but reading the ones that were already on the list was hard. All the fears that you don’t want to admit you have are there in black and white. At the same time, it lets you know that you are not alone. That there are other people out there that know how you feel and how you are struggling.

The second part Project IF was to blog about your own what if’s to help raise awareness. I have been putting this part of the project off because I was nervous to examine my feelings that closely. But if it will help only one other person I have to do it. So here goes….

What IF I never know the feeling of growing a miracle inside me?

I want a child. If I am going to be honest, I want a few. But I am trying not to be greedy. I want to be a mother. I want to experience everything about being a parent… the good, the bad and the ugly. But, just as badly, I want to be pregnant. I want morning sickness (I know, you doubt that but at this point, I would be overjoyed to be puking everyday). I want heartburn. I want to get huge. I want to feel my child moving inside me. I want to sit on the couch while my husband talks to my belly. I want all of that. And I don’t want to let another dream go.

What IF, no matter how hard I try, I am never ok with not having a child?

I have been working really hard on accepting the fact that a child may not happen for us. I am trying to wrap my head around it. I am, admittedly, an extremely impatient person. I want what I want and I want it right now. So, it’s a lot of work for me to accept that what I want so badly may not become a reality. I want to be at peace with this. I want to know that I will be ok if I never have a baby.

What IF I can’t forgive myself and my body for failing my husband and not giving him what he wants so badly?

I am so angry at my body. I hate that it is failing me right now. And I feel so guilty. Everything that is stopping us from our dream is my body. It’s malfunctioning. My husband is perfect (when it comes to this issue, anyway) and I feel so guilty that I am stopping him from having a baby with me. I know that it’s not my fault but it feels like it. I am angry at my body and I am not sure that I can ever forgive.

What IF I get everything I want and dream of?

What if I get pregnant? I am not sure I will be able to believe it’s actually true after all this time. What if I get everything I’ve dreamed of this last year and I fail at it? I know that however and whenever I get my child I will love it to pieces. But what if I make the wrong decisions for my kid? What if I screw him/her up? BUT what if my dreams come true? I can’t imagine anything more exciting. What if we all get what we want. Can you imagine how loved these babies will be.

Being so public about this struggle is scary for me. I know that most people probably know someone who is or has struggled with infertility. No matter how hard you might try to be understanding it’s extremely easy to be hurtful. If you do know someone who is dealing with this, I encourage you to ask questions (and if they don’t want to talk to much, don’t be offended!) and just let that person know that you are there for them.

More than anything, if you have kids at home appreciate them. Know that you have something that so many people would do anything for. For all the people who struggle with infertility hug your kids for us. Tuck them in and read bedtime stories and know how blessed you are. I dream of the day when I can do the same.

Sperm-A-Licious

2010-04-22T01:10:00.005-04:00

OK, I couldn’t resist this title. And seriously, if this isn’t the title to a song, it should be!!

Yesterday I finally got the much anticipated results of Husband’s semen analysis. Aaaaaaaand…. dun dun duuuuun……

HE HAS EXCELLENT SPERM!!

I am so so excited. Here are the stats:

Concentration: 137 million (normal: greater than or equal to 20 million)

Motility: 60% (normal: greater than or equal to 50%)

Volume: 2.7 (normal: greater than or equal to 2.0)

Round Cells: 0 (normal: less than 5)

So, to me it seems that he has better than average swimmers.

FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS!

My husband was very confident that his results would be good and I was hopeful but I didn’t want to assume until we knew for sure. I am so happy that we don’t have any extra obstacles in our way. There was a part of me that was afraid that his results wouldn’t be great and we would have something else to surmount.

I called my husband at work when I got the results and started screaming into the phone “YOU HAVE EXCELLENT SPERM!!!”

His response: “Yeah, I figured.” Conceited man. I don’t even care. Because I find myself quite smug about his sperm status. Smug super sperm. I can actually picture the little spermies with confident smug smirks on their faces. I love those little spermies!

If my husband ever reads this he is going to bring this post up every time he wants sexy time. ‘Remember how much you love them! They love you too!’

And you know what!? I just may fall for it!

Once Upon a Dream

2010-04-18T16:22:00.003-04:00

I have so many dreams for me, my husband and our baby.

I dream of the look on his face when I tell him we’re pregnant.

I dream of a flawless pregnancy.

I dream of a perfect nursery.

I dream of tiny clothes and socks and shoes.

I dream of my husband talking to my belly and kissing it.

I dream of being woken up in the middle of the night by a baby turning somersaults inside me.

I dream of my water breaking and my husband freaking out and rushing me to the hospital.

I dream of being surrounded by family and friends as we stare at our own little miracle.

I dream of sleepless nights nursing my baby.

I dream of the milestones… the first smile, laugh, crawling, pulling the cats’ tails.

I dream of standing over my sleeping child with my husband marveling over the miracle we created from our love.

I dream of my first Mother’s Day.

I dream of playdates.

I dream of pre-school and scribbles hanging on my fridge.

I dream of messes at the kitchen table.

I dream of the first day of school.

I dream of the accomplishments of my child.

I dream of growing pains and puberty.

I dream of my husband teaching him/her how to drive a car.

I dream of first dates.

I dream of graduation and college.

I dream of a wedding with me sitting in the front row crying.

I dream of my husband dancing with my daughter at her wedding (and I have already picked out the song) or me dancing with my tall and handsome son.

I dream of becoming a grandmother before I have even become a mother.

I dream of growing old with my husband and watching our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren flourishing.

I dream so many dreams. I don’t know that they will all come true. But I hope they do. No matter what happens, no matter what I tell myself, the hope will always be burning inside me.

I Want It That Way

2010-04-18T06:19:00.003-04:00

I don’t know where we have gone wrong lately. I feel like we’re so disconnected. I don’t know if it’s the stress of everything going on in our lives or what but I don’t like it.

I miss my funny dorky husband. I want the man who will do anything to make me smile back. This new stranger who criticizes and gets frustrated at every little thing is not my favorite. I hate feeling like I am being judged on any little thing I do. I hate feeling like I am constantly being watched. And I most especially hate feeling like I am being treated like a child.

I want to go back to that place where I would be suddenly swept into a slow dance in the kitchen while cooking dinner. I want to go back to when we enjoyed each other’s company even when we were doing nothing. I want to go back to laying next to each other and talking the night away for no reason at all. I want to go back to how we used to be as a couple. I want to, but I don’t know the way.

Maybe it’s me. I’m a different person than when we met. I was confident, independent, sassy, stylish and a lot of fun. PCOS, hypothyroidism, the BFH, infertility and all the drama in general has broken me down.

I haven’t been thin since high school but I still used to be insanely confident about 90% of the time. And if I wasn’t feeling confident there is no way that I would let ANYONE ever see that. I never let my weight or my self esteem stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

I let it stop me now. I don’t want to leave the house half the time. And it’s not just the extra weight. It’s the acne, and the hirsutism, and the mood swings and the ever present nausea/hot flashes.

I want to go back to being that girl who was always laughing, or singing or dancing. She was so confident and she never let anything stop her from going after what she wanted. She worked hard but played even harder. She was unapologetically full of life. If you didn’t like it, you could leave.

The woman I am now is worried, stressed, slow, tired, and full of gravity. She needs some lightness. She can’t play as hard as she once did, nor would she want to. She has put that behind her and that is okay. She has grown up and dealt with things that are far harder than she ever imagined. She is strong and capable. These are good things. But she misses the fun and the laughter and the carefree moments.

I want to go back to the girl I used to be but still maintain the woman I have become. I want to, but I don’t know how.

The man I met 2 1/2 years ago was goofy, sweet and unbearably romantic. He’d been devastated but he still opened his heart to me and loved me more than I ever thought possible.

I only see glimpses of that man now. Now I see him and he’s stressed, overwhelmed, overworked, determined and stubborn. He’s become condescending. The little quirks he used to love about me he now finds incredibly frustrating and annoying. He lectures me constantly. It’s not his intention but I feel belittled and insignificant. I want to smooth away the worry lines from his face. I want to take on all the baggage he as weighing him down. I want to make him happy like I used to.

I want the man he used to be to come back but I don’t know where to find him.

I wonder if we can find each other. I hope so.

Cyst-a-Licious

2010-04-17T14:00:00.007-04:00

Usually my blog post titles are songs, but this post I had to go in a different direction. I have been avoiding this post because I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my feelings too closely. Or even if I knew what they were at all. Everything seems to be crashing down on me at once. My life is so full and hectic and stressful right now and I just want to get away from it all.

I want to de-compress. I want to relax and not think about the drama. I want to believe, if only for a short time, that my life is carefree.

Last week I got several tests done for the FC. When the results came in they called me and said they were worried I was growing a cyst. I was rushed in for an ultrasound the next morning and sure enough... 45 mm cyst on my left ovary. Which would explain the really uncomfortable exam. I was ordered to take it easy and have my blood tests re-done the next Tuesday.

Tuesday rolled around and in I went for my bloodwork. 8 needlesticks later I finally made it out of there. My arm was bandaged from elbow to wrist. I was not a fan of their new technician.

The next day they called me with the results. My estradiol level went up again. So the cyst is not resolving itself. My progesterone went up as well so they are not sure if I am about to ovulate or already have. Again, I was ordered to take it easy, full pelvic rest, and get my bloodwork done on this next Tuesday. I hope after that they make a decision on how to proceed and it's not more waiting.

I think one of the hardest parts of the fertility journey is the waiting. Wait to get your period, wait to ovulate, the two week wait (which in all honesty mine is more like the 6 week wait), wait to hear from your doctor, wait for your period again.

I am NOT a patient person. I never have been. And I REFUSE to pray for patience. God will only give me situations in which I need to practice it and honestly, I have enough of that in my life right now. Maybe God is forcing it on me whether I like it or not.

Husband got his semen analysis on Monday. He seemed to enjoy himself at his appointment. He was in a great mood when he called me after he was done. That whole 4 days of abstinence was making him cranky.

Again, I am anxious to get the results. I feel like it will be good news and man, I really need some good news right about now.

If it's not good news it's really going to raise alot of questions. As far as we know he's contributed to 4 pregnancies. I would really like him to contribute to a pregnancy of mine.

I am trying hard to understand how I feel right now. I am anxious and I impatient for results. And I am really ready for May when we really start trying again. I feel like I am limbo right now. I like knowing what's going to happen. I like knowing what the plan of action is. I like knowing what my next step is going to be.

This stupid cyst is really ruining that for me. Not to mention, my insanely messy house because I can't clean right now.

I just want a break. Not a break from TTC but a break from all the stress we have going on right now. I want to laugh with my friends and relax and not worry every second. I hope that my trip back to Texas will be just the break I need. A whole week with my girlfriends should be able to cure me of all this baby mama drama.

My Life

2010-04-06T20:01:00.002-04:00

I've gotten this email about 7 times now so I thought I would fill it out on here rather than my email. Because I'm crazy like that. Here is my endlessly fascinating life:

1. Do you like Bleu cheese dressing? sometimes, but I usually prefer Ranch.

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? yep. I was a smoker for about 5 years

3. Do you own a gun? my husband did, until it got stolen out of my trunk

4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? is it strange that I hate Kool-Aid!?!

5. Do you get nervous before a doctor appointment? depends on the appt.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? they're DISGUSTING. I hate hot dogs.

7. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?diet dr pepper

9. Can you do push ups? absolutely not.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my wedding and engagement rings

11. Favorite Hobby? reading, shopping, dancing

12. Do you have A.D.D? nope

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts? both

14. Middle name? Jean

15. What are you thinking about at this moment? how I need to go to the store and make a chicken pot pie for dinner but I'm playing around on the internet instead

16. Name 2 or 3 drinks you regularly drink? diet caf free dr pepper and chocolate milk

17. Current worry: the kids, summer visitation, how I am going to go to all these dr appts with the kids this summer.

18. Current hate right now? not getting what I want immediately.

19. Favorite place to be? snuggled up with my husband.

20. How did you bring in the New Year? at a party trying to get across a room of people so I could kiss my husband at midnight... we missed it. :(

21. Where would you like to go right now? Fiji

23. Do you own slippers? yes, slipper boots

24. What color shirt are you wearing? black

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no... if I don't shave my legs catch on them. So. uncomfortable.

26. What are you doing right now? procrastinating

27. Would you be a pirate? um, HELL YEAH I would! Second to being a mermaid, Pirate is at the top of my list!!

28. What songs do you sing in the shower? ABBA. Yep. My husband is a licky lucky man.

29. Favorite Girl's Name? Savannah or Lorelei

30. Favorite boy's name? Brady

31. What's in your pocket right now? my phone

32. Last thing that made you laugh? fmylife.com

33. What vehicle do you drive? 1997 Toyota Corolla! That's how I roll, bitches.

34. Worst injury you've ever had? I hurt my hot pocket pretty badly in 1st grade on the playground

35. Do you love where you live? I really do.

36. How many TVs do you have in your home? 3, but we really only watch one.

Don't Stop Believing

2010-04-06T16:32:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the big day! We had our appointment at the FC (Fertility Clinic). It did not start off well. Our Dr. was an hour and a half late. My husband... not so happy since he was missing work. But he agreed to stay and wait because he knew I was so anxious and did not want to reschedule.

Finally Dr. Ovulation showed up and we went into our consultation. We went over everything that's wrong with me (nice, extensive list) and the things possibly wrong with the husband (short and sweet list). And went over all our options.

Treatment plan as follows:

Lots of bloodwork for me (done today). Glucose test for me (done today... it completely sucked). Provera to kick start my period (wooo). And then the wonderful HSG. And of course, the ever present transvaginal ultrasound. And my lovely husband gets the sperm analysis done next Monday (lucky... he gets to have fun in a cup and I have every invasive procedure there is. jerk).

He also took me off metformin because I have been consistently getting so nauseated and throwing up almost every afternoon on it and he didn't think me feeling like absolute crap was worth it. And even though I only have about two measly diet sodas a week with caffeine he's making me give it up completely. BOO. I really wish he'd make my husband give up something... He needs to make some sacrifices, damnit!!!!

He did an exam yesterday and I don't know if it's because he's a man (and I've never been to a male gyn til now) and I was a little nervous or what, but that exam was so UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, I realize, not a walk in the park on a sunny spring day but holy hell!! I've never hated a speculum as much as I did yesterday. And that's really saying something!!

But I am excited for progress! We are having all our tests done this cycle and we're not starting to try and make me ovulate until next cycle because I am going out of town (back to Texas) for some weddings in three weeks. I'm a little annoyed that my trip is holding things up, but oh well. At least I'll be able to drink at this wedding! Woo hoo! :D

Anyway, Dr. O said he's confident he can make me ovulate. No question. Hence his name: Dr. Ovulation. So depending on how the S/A works out he feels confident that we're in business! I'm so thankful we came to him. We're still going on the 150 mg clomid but if it doesn't work he's having me do more than one dose of clomid in a cycle and possibly using trigger shots. We shall see. I am very glad that I have more options other than "Hey you. Sit and wait." Because I am sick and tired of waiting. It's my turn!!!

Oh, and Cinderella? I know you said miracles take a little time, but could I borrow your fairy godmother? Because she really seemed to know her stuff.

I'm Alright

2010-03-30T14:28:00.007-04:00

I am full of conflicting feelings. I am excited, motivated, crushed, determined, terrified, hurt and hopeful.

Last Thursday was my follicle check ultrasound. I went in nervous and trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I had no mature follicles. Again. I was devastated. The technician brought one of the doctors in to talk to me. My regular doctor wasn't available so I got someone different. He told me that this cycle is a bust. We talked about my cycle last month and he told me that although I got the LH surge I definitely did not release an egg, otherwise I would have gotten my period naturally. He told me to wait about 25 days, take a pregnancy test and if negative start the 5 day dose of provera. He wrote me a prescription for 150 mg of clomid for next month. I left, called my husband and cried in my car.

Earlier in the month at my last appointment with Dr. Amazing she had told me that she wanted me to go to a fertility clinic if this cycle didn't work. But now I had a choice. I could do one more round of clomid with them on the highest dose or I could just head to the clinic. I was so torn. I had already called the clinic I had chosen just in case the day before. I spent all day thinking about the options. I ended up calling the clinic again and getting the new patient paperwork just in case.

When my husband got home from work we sat down to discuss all our options. He surprised me. All along I have felt that I was willing to go further in this fertility process than he was. He had a moral dilemma about 'manufacturing' babies and how far was too far. He also felt like if God wanted us to have a baby then we would. I felt like if we were trying to have a designer baby or cloning someone then that would be too far. He sat down in front of me and told me how he had really been thinking about all our options. He said that he wanted to have a baby with me so badly that he was willing to do whatever was possible to make it happen.

On the one hand, I knew this. But it was so nice to hear. He thinks I'll be a good mom and that means the world to me. So, the decision was made.

We're going to the Fertility Clinic!!

I feel so good about this decision! We sat down and did all 23 pages of patient history. Well, I did 21 pages, he did 2. I faxed them to the clinic on Friday and yesterday we set our appointment. Monday April 5, 10 AM. I am so ready. But I am nervous at the same time. We also got our new Doctor's name and I looked him up and he's been named one of the top infertility doctors in our city. I am excited and anxious to get to that appointment and see what he has to say.

In clomid news, the side effects keep coming. Even though this cycle is a bust I still took my full dose and so I get to enjoy these lovely hot flashes for a few more weeks.

So until next week I am being the most amazing housewife imaginable! I am baking and cleaning and cooking and folding and running errands. And watching Days of Our Lives. I mean if there is anything in this world to take your mind off your own drama, it's a soap opera!!

Everything I do I do it for You

2010-03-04T14:20:00.005-05:00

I just got home from my latest Dr. appt and I am actually excited about this fertility process again. I love my Dr so much! Seriously, if it wouldn't be really wierd and creepy I would try and become her best friend. I really would. She gives me such hope and she's proactive about things and I really really feel like she's rooting for me. I love that.

But the good news is... she put me on Metformin! I am so excited (despite the GI side effects... ew). She said it should really help me lose weight (which has honestly been such an exercise in frustration) and help get me regulated and we're still sticking with the clomid. She seems really confident about this combination for me. Plus, of course I am still on the thyroid meds, as well. Man... I am turning into a one woman pharmacy! And I am so ok with that... as long as it gets me where I am going. So, next cycle... BRING IT ON! I am ready for this. I also ordered some preseed. And I am taking my husband to the sex toy shop. That's right. We're one of those couples. Time to kick this baby making into high gear!!!

Going to see Dr. Amazing (that's so her new name) was really just the pick me up I needed. I am confident and excited about this process again.

Trouble Sleeping

2010-03-02T21:17:00.005-05:00

I talked to my Doctor's office last Friday. I updated them on everything that was going on. Which is A LOT. Last week I had my bloodwork for my thyroid done. It has FINALLY shown up that it is underactive (which we have suspected for years) and I am finally on medicine. Levoxyl. I was excited about that. It's been a really long time coming. But the pregnancy test came back negative. Disappointed. I was due to start around last Wednesday. Or so I thought. I have never had regular cycles so I wasn't too sure. But I got the positive OPK on February 7 (CD12) so I thought surely I would start on my own this month. Not happening.

Anyway, my Dr. told me to wait til CD35 (today) to take a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE. I have been cramping so badly for the last week. Which isn't abnormal when I am actually on my period. I have always had bad cramps. But I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED. I am getting frustrated. When other women are on clomid a single cycle is usually around 28-30 days (I realize there are exceptions). But for me a single cycle is usually 50-60 days. I hate the whole process. Wait and wait. Get your hopes up. Test. Test. Test. Negative. Progesterone for 5 days. Another 4 days til you actually start and another 3 days until you start the new round of clomid. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!!!

Last night the cramps were so bad they woke me up around 3 am and I was worried about waking up my husband so I literally walked around my house in the dark wimpering. I didn't get back in bed til his alarm went off.

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY!!!!

I am in a very why me?!!? sort of mood right now. Maybe it has to do with the baby shower invite I got and having to go through registries to pick a gift out for my friend's baby girl.

I am getting really emotional right now. I know I should be thankful for all the wonderful in my life (and I swear on most days I am) it's just... I don't even know. I have that impending doom feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe its realizing that by the time I get through all the progesterone hoopla and actually start the clomid I will be taking it while my stepkids, in laws and my mother are here.

I am so full of anger, frustration, self pity, and fear right now. There is a huge part of me that is just simply terrified that I will never be pregnant and have a baby.

You know... I think I need some chocolate.

Take Me the Way I am

2010-03-02T00:02:00.005-05:00

In exactly two weeks it's my first wedding anniversary. I have to say that I am REALLY excited about it. I've had very few anniversary celebrations in my life and definitely none celebrating getting married!
So I decided to do a post dedicated to my anniversary. I would do it in two weeks but I am going to have 5 extra people in my house and I very much doubt I will have time.
We got married in Vegas. Now I had never ever considered myself a get hitched in Vegas sort of girl (although I was definitely the party it up in Vegas girl when i was single). When we got engaged and we started planning we quickly realized we couldn't afford a huge wedding. After a suggestion from my Father In Law (one of the sweetest men in the entire world) I started really considering the Vegas idea. But I really wanted to make sure that it didn't turn out too tacky.
We ended up getting married at Treasure Island. I wasn't thrilled about putting the words Treasure Island on my invitations but they had an adorable chapel and a package that included limos, flowers, a suite, champagne, video, pictures etc for $1300. Hard to pass up. It ended up being beautiful. And we had a hilarious pastor (think Princess Bride).
I walked down the aisle to At Last by Etta James. I had a bouquet made by my mother, a handkerchief hand stitched by my grandmother and an angel pin that belonged to my mother in law's mother. I had hot pink heels on and my veil was handmade by my mother and I had made some cute hot pink panties that said Mrs. Quincey across the butt.
Right when the music started I was in a hallway all by myself. I wasn't nervous but I had butterflies. I walked down the aisle (very short aisle) with my father. As soon as those doors opened all I could see was his face. Everything in me melted and settled all at the same time. I thought I would get so emotional and cry all over the place but all I could do was look at this man that I loved so much and think ‘Thank God you found me.'
Our reception was at Maggiano's Little Italy (if you haven't eaten there... go immediately). We had about 30 wedding guests. Our first dance was to Calling You by Blue October (the acoustic version). The food was AMAZING. Although I didn't get to eat much as there just was not any more room in that dress. Everyone just PARTIED. It was literally the most fun I had ever had. Everyone danced and danced. The open bar helped a lot. At one point my maid of honor was getting low with my mother in law. It was just so great.
It was all over way too soon. I am so thankful that I had a flawless wedding day. Even the things that went wrong just make me laugh. That day I married my best friend, the man who makes me laugh everyday, takes care of me, tolerates my inconsistencies and loves me for who I am. It hasn't always been easy this past year but there is no one I would rather wake up to every morning. I feel so blessed.
In honor of the best day of my life... A slide show of our day...

Hopelessly Devoted to You

2010-02-23T13:58:00.002-05:00

He made up for it! :) We talked while he was at work, I wanted to wait until he came home but he could tell that I was upset and called me on his break. I explained how he had made me feel and he understood and apologized. Then he came home with flowers AND a card!! I really do have a wonderful husband.

He makes me crzy sometimes and he's frustrating and infuriating... but he loves me more than I could ever have imagined possible. I love him quite a bit too... How can you not love a man who wears a tree skirt as a cape and sings to you in the mornings?!? He makes me laugh everyday and he's an EXCELLENT kisser (that was one of my highest standards when looking for a husband).

I am trying to come to peace with the fact that we may never have a baby. I want to know that I will be ok if we don't. If clomid doesn't work next month we will move on to IUI and if that doesn't work... we're done. Neither one of us feels comfortable with IVF (the cost being one of the major factors) and I don't think we would want to adopt.

Once upon a time, I didn't want kids. I was adamant that I would never want them. But then I met my Husband and there was something about falling madly in love with someone in under a month that makes you start wanting things you never thought you would.

So I want to know that I will be ok if there is never a baby. I am trying to come to terms with it. Instead of college funds and diapers and onesies... vacations. Instead of sippy cups, baby food, potty training... white furniture. Instead of nurseries, 4 am feedings and strollers... sports car.

But man... all I can think about are sippy cups, nurseries, and onesies...

Square One

2010-02-22T12:30:00.001-05:00

This cycle has been so up and down for me. I was so excited that I ovulated and it was a real possibility for me to get pregnant this month. Then I actually start getting pregnancy symptoms... excitement goes up! Now I am not so sure. Yesterday I started cramping a little like my period was coming and I got really upset. I mean tears streaming down my face upset. It hasn't yet, but I am still upset.

Last night I was laying in bed crying and my husband, who really is wonderful, just didn't get it. He just completely doesn't understand what I am going through with this process. I tried explaining to him and all he said was 'I mean all you do is take a pill that makes you do what everyone else does normally.' It was like a slap in the face. I couldn't even talk to him about it last night. He has watched me go through mood swings, sob uncontrollably for no reason at all, get horrendous headaches, go through weeks of hot flashes, nausea... you name it, I've had it. And he thinks its basically nothing.

How do I explain that every month that I don't get pregnant my heart breaks a little more and I lose another little piece of myself? How do I explain the complete and utter obsession of the two week wait? How do I explain the complete feeling of failure as a woman? How do I explain the fear that I will never be a mother?

Maybe he'll never understand and this is something that I need to go through alone. I mean, he has kids. And man I love those kids. My step kids are great and I am really thankful for them. But... its not the same. Maybe I will just never have that and maybe its something that I need to make peace with.

I love my husband with all my heart and I am so thankful for him. He really is a wonderful husband. But with this certain situation... I don't know. It's like he doesn't even want to understand what I am going through. I am so confused and upset right now.

And I STILL don't know if I'm pregnant or not... I had some bloodwork done this morning for my thyroid and had them do a pregnancy test as well so I guess I will know by the end of the week. If the witch doesn't show up first...

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

2010-02-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

I have not had the most positive day today! I have been trying so hard to stay positive but I am failing miserably. I bought this little Miracles plaque (I don't know what to call it exactly) last week. I was in Hallmark and saw it and it just hit me. It's exactly what I need to keep me in the right frame of mind. I keep it in my kitchen windowsill so I can see it everyday. I need to be reminded that although other people are able to get pregnant without hardly trying, something so special and magical as a baby of my own will take a little time.

So today, thank you Cinderella! Even as an adult, married to a wonderful man and living an amazing life you have found another way to inspire me to reach for the fairy tale ending after all.

"Even miracles take a little time." -Cinderella

I knew I wasn't done with my happily ever after.

Through the Fire

2010-02-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

I always thought my mom was being a little dramatic about her hot flashes when she was going through menopause... I am now officially apologizing. These hot flashes are a BITCH!!! I can barely even sleep in the same bed as my husband (although to be honest I have always had a hard time sharing my tiny queen size bed). I have always been overly cold all the time (due to my thyroid issues) so I really go everywhere prepared to be cold. Even during the summer... and I live in Phoenix. These hot flashes really took me by surprise. I am sure I look like a maniac running through the aisles of the grocery store ripping my hoodie off. They seem to happen a little less now and I hope they are going away. Damn Clomid (I didn't mean that, clomid! I still love you especially if you help me get pregnant!:)).

So, officially, as the first time I have definitely ovulated in years it is, of course, obvious that I am now obsessing over every tiny thing I feel hoping its my little bundle.

I have had a backache since last Tuesday... lower back like I get right before I start my period. It does seem to be less intense now. I have also had cramps.. again like my period is about to start. They started Friday and went through Sunday. They were most intense early Sunday morning (they woke me up). I have never had cramps like that except when I was on my period. I was CONVINCED I was starting really early (although that would be strange since most of mine have to be chemically induced) and kept going to the bathroom to check. Nothing.

Friday I started feeling nauseous. My husband wanted pizza for dinner, which I usually LOVE (means I don't have to cook!) and I went online to order from this new place he wanted to try and immediately started gagging when I just SAW the pictures of the pizza. I couldn't eat it, either. I could barely stay in the room with him while he ate. I ended up getting nuggets from McDonalds. I usually hate McDonalds and only go when we have the kids and I am forced into it. Weird. I felt nauseous on Saturday when we drove past KFC with the windows down but then that's what I really really wanted for dinner.

On Sunday I was good most of the day, I felt a little sick to my stomach before we went to dinner but then I was fine the rest of the night. Yesterday, however... VERY nauseous. So I had some Godiva chocolate cheesecake for breakfast. It was delicious. But then the nausea came back and I ended up laying down for a nap. We went grocery shopping later and even walking down some aisles in Sam's I was gagging (the huge containers of mayo and ranch really looked gross). My husband made gourmet bacon cheeseburgers on the grill... just about my favorite food ever. They were huge but one did not fill me up so I said what the hell and went for two... Halfway through I guess my stomach decided it didn't like bacon as much as it had 10 minutes before and I almost threw up. I felt sick the rest of the night.

I've had a few touches of heartburn. That really sucks. And I am convinced my nipples are darker. Husband took a picture of them last night so we can compare daily. Ha. I've had a few shooting pains in my boobs, too. Which is strange, my boobs never hurt. At all. EVER. In fact, they're almost numb. Even when they're touched I can barely feel it. It's a real letdown for my husband.

The only other major thing I am feeling is little pin pricks every now and then in my uterus area. And when I stretch it feels like I pulled something in my uterus. I am praying so hard that means I am pregnant! I have been stalking twoweekwait.com and reading other women's symptoms. I have a lot that other women do, too. But I am terrified that it is all in my head. Sunday I was CONVINCED that I was pregnant. Now I am convinced I am not but wishing I was. I've had these really vivid dreams about positive pregnancy tests. I hope that means something good.

In other non-baby related news.... the Husband did an AMAZING job on Valentine's Day. I got an engraved picture frame, a cookie jar (that says Quincey Family Cookies), a cookbook of all cookie recipes and a personalized card. :) Then he took me to see Valentine's Day (it was really good) and then to dinner at PF Chang's. Oh. And dessert from Cheesecake Factory. All in all, amazing day. He got the good lovin' that night! :D

I am working on not being stressed and just hoping this is it! In the meantime, I am preparing to have my step kids for Spring Break. And my mother... and my In-Laws. It's going to be a packed house. 7 people.... three beds. Should be interesting! :)

Maybe I'm Amazed

2010-02-09T19:44:00.000-05:00

I survived the Clomid! Not only did I survive, but I made it through with no more emotional break downs. It's a miracle! I feel like myself again, which is nice. I am pretty sure my husband is pretty relieved, as well.

Sunday I started my ovulation predictor kits. I should have started a couple days earlier, but I lost track of the days. Turns out, the first one I took on Sunday came up POSITIVE!!!! I could barely believe it. I ran outside with the test (which is kind of gross, considering I pee on it) and showed it to my husband to make sure I wasn't seeing things. He confirmed the positive result. I still wasn't satisfied so I took a picture on my phone and sent it to a friend of mine, who also confirmed the positive result. I was sooo excited! FINALLY I am achieving a normal body function! This is the first time I have ovulated in, well, YEARS. I am strangely proud of my body for responding to the Clomid and THANK GOD because that higher dose really made it itself known.

I went to my follicle check ultrasound appointment yesterday. I was so optimistic because I had already gotten the positive result. But again, my follicles weren't showing that they were ripe or that I was about to ovulate. The Dr said that I had probably already released the egg. I suppose I should trust the test of the Dr does but I am still questioning it and hoping that I didn't misread it.

If I did release it already we should have a good chance of being pregnant (thank goodness for all the sex Saturday and Sunday! :)). I am so hopeful. I'm also a little nervous. I don't want to get my hopes up too high and then be disappointed. But I keep telling myself... at least this is a step in the right direction.

I still couldn't stop myself from going through the baby section at Target today, though... So many cute new things! Graco has a new travel system out called little hoot that has owls all over it. SO adorable. I love owls lately for some reason.

I'm babbling.

This weekend is Valentine's Day. I am getting a head start and baking my husband some cupcakes tonight. I never liked this Holiday before but now it's a nice excuse to spoil my husband and make out in public! That's right... we're one of those couples. I'm not ashamed... I hold my head up high and celebrate the PDA!

The Point of No Return

2010-02-01T14:52:00.000-05:00

I am nearing the end of my second round of Clomid! Today is day four and then tomorrow and then its hormone free (hopefully) for a few days.

Last month I basically had no side effects. It was great and I was strangely proud of myself for being stronger than all these hormones I was pumping into my body. I felt like super woman! Then they doubled my dose.

Oh, man. Friday was day one and I didn't have alot planned. That said, I DEFINITELY didn't plan on sitting on the couch and crying my eyes out for 30 minutes for absolutely no reason except I had remembered when George's dad died on Grey's. I mean, REALLY sad episode but it didn't deserve tears a few years later. So I decided to forewarn my husband. I texted him and let him know of my emotional breakdown and told him that I needed him to be careful with me. He said OK and I just felt so relieved... crisis averted!

Not so much.

I had thought he would be coming home early on Friday and I was really excited to see him and spend some time with him. Instead he decided to go to a work function that he had previously not wanted to go to. So I said OK, go. I wasn't happy about it but I recognized that I wasn't reacting rationally and he works hard and of course he should go and enjoy the benefits of that. Unfortunately for both of us I was under the impression that he was only going for an hour or two. Yeah. As time passed, I sat in the living room not able to concentrate on anything except how angry I was! All I could think was that he had abandoned me in my time of need and he would rather have all this fun with his co-workers and not me. And then... the most evil of all.... Tiffany. The girl who has a thing for my husband at work. I pictured him, the innocent lamb, playing skee-ball with his work buddies and her lurking, always ready to give him a high five or a hug for a particularly high score... As my rage grew, I knew he was out having a blast, WITHOUT ME, with Tiffany hanging all over him....

I snapped.

Now, normally, I am not a completely crazy person (sometimes a touch of crazy but never completely). I have known about Tiffany for a long time and I think she is completely inappropriate and I don't want my husband around her but I trust him without one tiny little doubt in my heart. I will say that I don't trust HER (I mean really, what single woman invites a married man to stay with her when his wife is across the country?!?). And I'm just going to say it... I've met her and if we're going to compare looks, I really don't have anything to worry about. So all of this... CLOMID.

I finally talked to him on the phone and I just spewed five hours of angry and pity party all over my poor husband. Yes, he should've called and let me know he was going to be later than we thought, which he immediately apologized for. Did that stop me?!!? NOOOOO. The point of no return. I could not stop. I was crying hysterically and hurling accusations at him like a wild woman.

Needless to say he didn't take it well. The decision was made to leave it til morning. After he went to bed I stayed up, completely spent and not understanding my emotions. A little talk with one of my best friends calmed me down and I determined to do better the next day and to apologize to my husband. I also got a great recommendation from another friend on a couple books that help you understand the opposite sex better... I decided I would go out early, pick them up and then sit down and apologize and try to explain the whole thing to my husband.

Well, I didn't make it out of the house before he got up. We talked for a long time, apologies were made and he came with me to get the books. I came home and read them both, cover to cover. I thought the worst had passed...

Nope.

Saturday night, low and behold, all these emotions are just raging inside me. Then I read this message board about how having PCOS makes you 50% more likely to get certain kinds of cancer. 50%!!!!! I freaked out... I was so scared. So I cried and cried and cried and cried. Could. not. stop.

I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling... How I felt so broken, and like everything was all my fault and I was so sorry that he was stuck with this barren, infertile woman. Finally I took some benadryl so I could sleep. I was sick of myself at this point so I can only imagine what my husband was feeling.

Finally, blessed sleep.

Strangely enough, Sunday I was fine. I got a little extra annoyed a few times but I did my best to contain it. I also decided to take control of my life a little bit. I made a schedule for myself. If I am going to be a housewife and a stay at home mom I am going to be the best that I can possibly be. Now I know what chores I am going to get done everyday of the week and I am going to do my best to do Yoga everyday. And there will be dinner on the table every weekday at 7:30. Sounds like 1952, right?!?! I know. My old independent party girl self would be so ashamed. But I guess I am more traditional than I ever thought. I like to take care of my husband and for the most part, I really enjoy cooking (I'm not half bad either). I don't LOVE cleaning but I do enjoy having a clean, neat house. It's just easier to breathe.

That brings us to today... I am feeling fine today. I haven't gotten much done but I am feeling very ambitious today. I will conquer the world today! Well, if not the world, then at the very least my messy living room.

Learning to Breathe

2010-01-26T13:24:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy, crazy, hectic, wonderful last few weeks. My best friend came into town to see me and we had a blast! There is nothing quite like shopping with your best friend. My husband tolerates it and does his best, but it's never the same as your girlfriends. We also went sledding in Flagstaff which was hilarious. We all came home a little bit beat up with bruises and scrapes but it was a blast. I was so sad to see her go back to Texas!

The next day (my birthday) my Dad flew in. I am not super close with my Dad, he's been absent most of my life, so I was a little nervous about this visit. But ever since our wedding last Spring I feel like he's making a much bigger effort to be in my life so I am trying to give him credit for that and I try as well. It was a good visit. We did normal stuff... took him to see a few sights of Phoenix and out to eat.We had good visits with both Katie and my Dad but by the end of the 7 days of visitors I was so happy to have my house back and not have to entertain anyone.

I turned 27. I am having a little bit of an age crisis. It just sounds so OLD. Now I know that people in their 40's would probably want to smack me for that... it just really does sound incredibly old to me. I feel like my youth is slipping away from me... I know that sounds melodramatic... but really if you know me, that's nothing new. My husband did well on my birthday, we had lunch at Maggiano's and he got me a HUGE flower arrangement and grilled out delicious burgers for dinner. And chocolate cake of course. :)

I should be starting my second round of Clomid in the next few days. I finished my progesterone this last Saturday (the 23rd) and I am just waiting for that to do its job. Based on how my body reacted last month I should be starting my Clomid Friday or Saturday. I'm taking 100 mg a day now. I am really nervous to see how I will react to it. Last month really no side effects except for one day that I recognized that I wasn't reacting well to things for no reason at all. But this is double the dose so I am a little apprehensive about what kind of crazy I will be. Hope my husband is ready for it. :)

I have been working really hard on being thankful lately. I have so much that other people don't have. I have this amazing husband, and although we DEFINITELY have our moments at the end of the day I would choose him over and over again. So many people don't have that. I have a wonderful house to live in and all my fur babies to spoil. I have family that I love and the most amazing in-laws you could ask for and of course the best friends in the world who put up with me no matter what kind of nuts I am. I am quickly coming to the realization that if the clomid doesn't work than I don't think I want to go any further with fertility treatments. I don't think that I want to go through IUI or IVF. And I don't think I want to adopt. If the clomid doesn't work than I think we will be done trying. I love my husband and I want a baby with him more than anything in the world but I also know that if we don't have one, we have each other and I will still lead this incredibly blessed and wonderful life with him.